Shit My Kid Says

[Prepuce of Doom 20909]

Every week, we get an email report of all the Google searches that are conducted on the Doomlet's school tablet.
Here's a section from this week's report.

 

Edited February 9, 2021 by Prepuce of Doom

[UTPhil2006 3773]

Hahahahahahahhaah he is destined for Surly

[ROFL BOX 6623]

Hahahahahahahhaah he is destined for Surly

...

[Scheiss Meister 8321]

On 2/9/2021 at 10:31 AM, Prepuce of Doom said:

Every week, we get an email report of all the Google searches that are conducted on the Doomlet's school tablet.
Here's a section from this week's report.

 

Looks to me like he is preparing for a job in the exciting field of wastewater.  Tell him he would make more money and be held in higher regard if he played piano in a whorehouse, or became a leg breaker for a loan shark.

[Prepuce of Doom 20909]

Well, he left the dinner table to go undertake these searches a few minutes ago. 

Go Illini!!! 

[Thatguy 8208]

My daughter, who is mixed, called my wife, who is white....Karen. She is 12, and it did not go over well even though it was supposed to be a joke.

[CooterBrown 17762]

My 8 year old daughter: “that puppy was fucking adorable.”

Me: “uh, what was it?”

8 YO “it was fucking adorable. “

Me: “yeah, we don’t say that word even though mom says it every other word. “

8 YO: “why does mom say it?”

Me: “She was raised by your grandma.”

[ztejas 42819]

46 minutes ago, CooterBrown said:

Me: “yeah, we don’t say that word even though mom says it every other word. “

She does not.

[ztejas 42819]

3 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Well, he left the dinner table to go undertake these searches a few minutes ago. 

Go Illini!!! 

You can let him know they play Nebraska on Friday. 

[Grade of D as in David 13253]

10 hours ago, Thatguy said:

My daughter, who is mixed, called my wife, who is white....Karen. She is 12, and it did not go over well even though it was supposed to be a joke.

She sure responded like a Karen

[markstanco 12449]

Crazy. My oldest just turned 12 and is 5'5. Cared nothing about sports 24 months ago. Something clicked about that time. Tall white boy who is slow but played safety because of knowledge of the game.

He has been outside shooting hoops with friends for 2 hours now, and it's 31 degrees here. Handles the ball like a point forward already. Proud Dad.

[WhatTheBuck 28618]

On 2/11/2021 at 12:36 AM, ztejas said:

She does not.

Yes she does. And that other word is “me.”

[956 Worldwide 34019]

I made a big pot of chili to eat this weekend. I went out to run some errands yesterday morning and being alone in the car, let them rip.  On my way home I could tell they were coming straight off a turd.

A couple hours later we loaded up to go somewhere. Six year old climbs in and announces, “this car smells like Daddy’s farts.”

[Superhero 8636]

Me: Hey, your teacher emailed saying she's gonna start giving "red hands" in class if kids aren't behaving.

6 year old: Yeah, she started doing it last week. Madison got a lot of "red hands".

Me: Oh yeah? Did you get any?

6 year old: I got 3.

Me: What did you do?

6 year old: I really don't want to talk about it...

 

[BigDHornfan 6512]

Went to DQ yesterday when I picked up LilD from school.

He went against his normal kid's cone and got an m&m blizzard. 

Tried one bite and said, "this is fucking good Dad."

I give up.  and just resign myself that he's gonna cuss when Mom isn't around.  Because I can't help but to laugh.

[blacklab 11826]

10yo went to the dentist today and did not have a good time. I've never really liked them and after hearing the details I told my wife we're not going back there.

10yo "I want to go back one time"

me "Why"

10yo "So I can tell him I'm never coming back"

 

[Slacks 6723]

"With your eyebrows thicker than your penis head-ass..."

[blacklab 11826]

Wife and kids waiting for place to open wife is looking at phone, boys are looking over her shoulder at phone.

Wife pulls phone away and says "I'm texting my friends, it's private, you don't need to look."

12yo: "You guys talkin about vibrators?"

[956 Worldwide 34019]

Went for a walk this morning and rode the streetcar back.  You gotta have a mask on public transportation. Six year old jumps off at our stop, rips the mask off and yells “I’m a mask denier!”

[BigDHornfan 6512]

On 3/6/2021 at 11:45 AM, blacklab said:

Wife and kids waiting for place to open wife is looking at phone, boys are looking over her shoulder at phone.

Wife pulls phone away and says "I'm texting my friends, it's private, you don't need to look."

12yo: "You guys talkin about vibrators?"

Well?   Were they?

[Jameslaw121 4440]

My wife in 7 year old were arguing over something that I didn't care to get involved in. Then he used the phrase "Butt Penis"

 

And I lost my shit

[blacklab 11826]

Wife: "Do you like my hair cut?"

10yo: "You look like a Karen"

[High Plains Drifter 10938]

 

I spent all day today putting together a loft bed with built in desk underneath in my daughter's room.

After breakfast, I got all the shit laid out, ready to go to work. Daughter (10 yr old) takes a look around and says "putting this together is going to suck donkey balls, isn't it dad?"

[Sbbruin 21588]

My daughter (15 and fuck you re pics) just asked “what was that show with the old people on an island?”  Me “you mean ‘Gilligan’s Island?”  “Yeah, what was it about?”  After explaining it I said the best way to explain it is to sign the theme song, which I did.  She looked at me like I was insane.  I told her there was almost nobody in my ag grou who couldn’t sing that entire song word-for-word.

is there ANYONE on here that doesn’t know the whole Gilligan’s Island song?

[Sbbruin 21588]

On 3/13/2021 at 7:00 PM, High Plains Drifter said:

 

I spent all day today putting together a loft bed with built in desk underneath in my daughter's room.

After breakfast, I got all the shit laid out, ready to go to work. Daughter (10 yr old) takes a look around and says "putting this together is going to suck donkey balls, isn't it dad?"

Best thing I ever did was paying IKEA to build my daughters loft bed.  Only like $125, and it took 2 guys like 2.5 hours to build it.  Fuck that shit.

[mininghorn88 2243]

31 minutes ago, Sbbruin said:

My daughter (15 and fuck you re pics) just asked “what was that show with the old people on an island?”  Me “you mean ‘Gilligan’s Island?”  “Yeah, what was it about?”  After explaining it I said the best way to explain it is to sign the theme song, which I did.  She looked at me like I was insane.  I told her there was almost nobody in my ag grou who couldn’t sing that entire song word-for-word.

is there ANYONE on here that doesn’t know the whole Gilligan’s Island song?

I know the words from Gilligan's Island.  You can also throw in the Beverly Hillbillies and the Brady Bunch.  Many of those shows back then had catchy tunes.

[Ifiwaspresident 57]

Not recently, but my kid was about 7-8 years old.  Coming back from picking him up from Camp Lonehollow with my girlfriend, we decided to stay a couple of days at Lost Pines.  We were out by the pool.  My GF told my boy he needed to apply sunscreen before tearing off.  He went into the bag to find it.  Said, "I only see sunscreen for girls."  GF asks what he means.  He said, "the label says 'broad' something".  It was broad spectrum.  No idea where he learned the "broad" moniker for girls at that age.  Laughter ensued.

[Prepuce of Doom 20909]

"Mom, 'nip it in the bud' is offensive to flowers." 

[EE2B 1561]

“Bounce houses were not invented when you were my age.” Cold hearted like her mother.

[Mole 4311]

My wife can cuss like a sailor and some of that has drifted into my 3 year old's vocabulary. He dropped a "fuck it" on the playground this past weekend when my wife spilled her drink. Last night he and I had a talk about appropriate language and he really understood the message. He gets that there are some words that aren't appropriate for little kids to use. I know he understood this because he spent the rest of the night walking around the house saying, "no shit."

[Bullneck 18779]

On 2/10/2021 at 9:00 PM, Prepuce of Doom said:

Well, he left the dinner table to go undertake these searches a few minutes ago. 

Go Illini!!! 

Look on the bright side: he could have searched "Texas Basketball v. poop."

[mininghorn88 2243]

A number of years ago when my son was 11 or 12 we went to a hockey game with his youth group from church.  A fight ensued during the game and the fans were yelling at the visiting team's goon.  As things begin to quiet down my son stands up and yells "you suck!!"  Being that we were at a "church" event I said that we should not say that.  He looks at me and says, "Dad, you let me yell 'OU SUCKS' at the Texas football games".  I said, "Yeah, but that is different."  A proud dad I am!

[demos 2978]

Youngest just walked in the living room and said, “I got the brain freeze.”

Never thought about it before but it does deserve “the” like the beetus.

[OrangEngr 1034]

On 4/1/2021 at 10:49 PM, mininghorn88 said:

A number of years ago when my son was 11 or 12 we went to a hockey game with his youth group from church.  A fight ensued during the game and the fans were yelling at the visiting team's goon.  As things begin to quiet down my son stands up and yells "you suck!!"  Being that we were at a "church" event I said that we should not say that.  He looks at me and says, "Dad, you let me yell 'OU SUCKS' at the Texas football games".  I said, "Yeah, but that is different."  A proud dad I am!

Did you explain to him that “Well yes, but OU are a bunch of land grabbing cock gobblers, but this is just a friendly game against other players?”

[Mole 4311]

On 4/1/2021 at 10:47 PM, Mole said:

My wife can cuss like a sailor and some of that has drifted into my 3 year old's vocabulary. He dropped a "fuck it" on the playground this past weekend when my wife spilled her drink. Last night he and I had a talk about appropriate language and he really understood the message. He gets that there are some words that aren't appropriate for little kids to use. I know he understood this because he spent the rest of the night walking around the house saying, "no shit."

To follow up on this. The lesson mostly stuck and he has the self-control to not say them, unless he hears someone else say one. Then he calmly rattles off every cuss word he knows and explains how you shouldn't say any of them. He's a smart kid, so he has a rapidly growing vocabulary.

We're church-going people, so "oh my God" was on the list of words/phrases to avoid. If he hears that phrase on TV (which is a lot) or just thinks that you might say any bad word at all (for example, if you spill something and seem frustrated), he responds with, "don't say oh my God, don't say fuck, don't say shit, don't say...." It's so calm and matter-of-fact that it's unnerving. 

[Prepuce of Doom 20909]

Is there such a place as "Mistersippi"? Because when there's a missus, there's usually a mister, too. 

[High Plains Drifter 10938]

 

My 10 yr old daughter got the board game "Clue" for Christmas this year. We've been playing it once a week or so, and until tonight I was undefeated. She won tonight, and told me "The sun don't shine on the same dog's ass 24 hours a day, dad."

 

 

[Armybrat 40559]

On 4/18/2021 at 9:27 PM, Prepuce of Doom said:

Is there such a place as "Mistersippi"? Because when there's a missus, there's usually a mister, too. 

Genderist

[Prepuce of Doom 20909]

In case anyone needs ideas for Mother's Day gifts, the Doomlet suggested "a disobedient clown with diarrhea" for his mother this year, and I figured I'd pass that along for anyone else who is similarly stumped... 

Edited April 29, 2021 by Prepuce of Doom

[Guadaloopy 10803]

On 2/9/2021 at 9:38 AM, UTPhil2006 said:

Hahahahahahahhaah he is destined for Surly  Shaggy

 

[Clintonaldo 2539]

12 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

In case anyone needs ideas for Mother's Day gifts, the Doomlet suggested "a disobedient clown with diarrhea" for his mother this year, and I figured I'd pass that along for anyone else who is similarly stumped... 

Kinky

[SHOOTER12 8769]

On 4/29/2021 at 5:15 PM, Prepuce of Doom said:

In case anyone needs ideas for Mother's Day gifts, the Doomlet suggested "a disobedient clown with diarrhea" for his mother this year, and I figured I'd pass that along for anyone else who is similarly stumped... 

Fuck, looks like I'm going to be popular this year...

[Longboard Horn 39899]

On 4/29/2021 at 5:15 PM, Prepuce of Doom said:

In case anyone needs ideas for Mother's Day gifts, the Doomlet suggested "a disobedient clown with diarrhea" for his mother this year, and I figured I'd pass that along for anyone else who is similarly stumped... 

Just book Yucko the Clown to entertain. 

Disobedient clown? Check

Has diarrhea? Most likely a check 

[Armybrat 40559]

On 4/29/2021 at 5:15 PM, Prepuce of Doom said:

In case anyone needs ideas for Mother's Day gifts, the Doomlet suggested "a disobedient clown with diarrhea" for his mother this year, and I figured I'd pass that along for anyone else who is similarly stumped... 

So, the Doomlet is going to be a cruise ship entertainment director when he grows up?

[Superhero 8636]

Making scrambled eggs with my 6 YO a few days ago...

Me: You know where eggs come from?

Boy: Yeah, from a chicken.

Me: So which came first? The chicken or the egg?

Boy ponders for a few seconds: "The chicken, because God made the chicken."

 

I thought it was pretty good answer if you believe in creation.

[Modessit 5582]

5yo girl: Hey...
Me: Hay's for horses.
5yo: And for cows.

[Prepuce of Doom 20909]

You know that commercial for some product intended to treat Peyronie's Disease (boner deformations) where the backdrop of the ad shows all of the different peppers and various phallus-shaped fruits and vegetables? The one where some somber and paternal-voiced older man asks "if you've got a bump or a bend that bothers you"? 

Doomlet has seen that commercial enough that he's now running around the house chanting "a BEND ora BUMP that BOTH-ERS YOU" over and over. We're trying not to acknowledge it in any way because feedback of any kind only emboldens him, but I'm having a really hard time not laughing at this performance. 

~~~~~

And earlier today he said to me, "Hey dad - come over and check out this awesome bird poop!"

The bird had obviously eaten some kind of large berry, if you're wondering. 

Edited May 16, 2021 by Prepuce of Doom

[Scheiss Meister 8321]

2 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

You know that commercial for some product intended to treat Peyronie's Disease (boner deformations) where the backdrop of the ad shows all of the different peppers and various phallus-shaped fruits and vegetables? The one where some somber and paternal-voiced older man asks "if you've got a bump or a bend that bothers you"? 

Doomlet has seen that commercial enough that he's now running around the house chanting "a BEND ora BUMP that BOTH-ERS YOU" over and over. We're trying not to acknowledge it in any way because feedback of any kind only emboldens him, but I'm having a really hard time not laughing at this performance. 

~~~~~

And earlier today he said to me, "Hey dad - come over and check out this awesome bird poop!"

The bird had obviously eaten some kind of large berry, if you're wondering. 

You need to get that chant on video so that it can be used at his high school graduation.

[Grade of D as in David 13253]

1 hour ago, Scheiss Meister said:

You need to get that chant on video so that it can be used at his high school graduation.

Engagement party

[Kennythetiger 9284]

A what?