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Shit My Kid Says

ROFL BOX

By ROFL BOX
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Hmbre97
Hmbre97

2 weeks ago, watching my kid hen peck on his keyboard Me: Son, you really need to practice your typing using the home row. You'll never type fast typing with 2 fingers. Him: I try to type fa

Post Oak
Post Oak

My daughter (1st grade) has been having issues at recess.  She's really tender hearted and takes offense to just about everything.  When she tells me what's wrong to me it just sounds like playground

burns_312
burns_312

I coach college baseball and my 3 year old son has begun to catch on to things that go on at the ball field. He sees me talk to players when things go wrong, etc. Last night I was throwing him passes

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Prepuce of Doom

Prepuce of Doom 20909

Posted
Posted
Just now, Grade of D as in David said:

Was he all jacked up on Mountain Dew?

Nope. Just garden-variety insolence.

Carbonation short-circuits him - avoids it at all costs, but if he takes a drink of something that he doesn't realize is carbonated, he'll immediately just open his mouth and let it fall out all over himself and whatever else.

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Longboard Horn

Longboard Horn 39900

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Posted

Went to my brother in-laws for dinner yesterday. All the kids were in the playroom watching Disney plus. One of my older sisters and I walk in on them watching Pocahontas. I believe they’re at the part where the guys are singing about finding the gold in the New World something like that. My three-year-old nephew then chimes in with, “when they find the gold Ratcliffe is going to dance around happy and naked wearing only his boots and hat singing the Loopy loo song. Then he’s going to go potty and wipe his bottom really good!” 

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gyroprotagonist

gyroprotagonist 2591

Posted
Posted

convo with 10yo daughter 

"Dad, i feel like i am missing out on experiencing all the different Earths, you know if there are other multiverses.  I mean, I'll never get to experience those if i am just in this one"

Me: ooookay.  well, we can't travel to other multiverses yet, but maybe some day

FOMO of multiverses is real, apparently. 

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pantone159

pantone159 710

Posted
Posted
6 minutes ago, gyroprotagonist said:

"Dad, i feel like i am missing out on experiencing all the different Earths, you know if there are other multiverses.  I mean, I'll never get to experience those if i am just in this one"

Me: ooookay.  well, we can't travel to other multiverses yet, but maybe some day

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SilasCoade

SilasCoade 2620

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Anastasis said:

On way to some 3v3 soccer right now. Listening to hype music for the kids. 
 

“Dad. Did you know that the fastest rapper in the world is a YouTuber named Eminem “

 

I feel like I am failing as a father. 

Yeah you've clearly never forced him to listen to dizzee rascal.

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Laxtonto

Laxtonto 11879

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5 year old is tickle fighting his mother… She says “I am going to tickle your belly” and start going after him. He gets away and turns around and says, “I’m going to tickle your boobies”… 
 

She looks at him sorta stunned and then flubs out, “That’s not a nice way to play”. He automatically retorts, “That’s what daddy does….”

Touché young man, Touché 

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Laxtonto

Laxtonto 11879

Posted
Posted (edited)

I am guessing we have reached that age...

So the 5 year old is playing Lego the Hobbit. And so he has (with lots of adult help) beat most of the game and so now he has all sorts of characters.

So he has this big green troll and it sniffs the air looking for things...

Lil-Lax "I smell Bimbos"

Me: "Bilbo?"

Lil-Lax: "Yeah, I smell Bimbos... They smell tasty..."

Me:"Oh, is that so?"

Lil-Lax: "Yeah. Bimbos smell good. Im going to eat them up!, Im hungry"

 

I had to leave the room to not bust out laughing and his mother is just sitting there shaking her head..

Edited by Laxtonto
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Jerry Callo

Jerry Callo 8631

Posted
Posted
25 minutes ago, Laxtonto said:

I am guessing we have reached that age...

So the 5 year old is playing Lego the Hobbit. And so he has (with lots of adult help) beat most of the game and so now he has all sorts of characters.

So he has this big green troll and it sniffs the air looking for things...

Lil-Lax "I smell Bimbos"

Me: "Bilbo?"

Lil-Lax: "Yeah, I smell Bimbos... They smell tasty..."

Me:"Oh, is that so?"

Lil-Lax: "Yeah. Bimbos smell good. Im going to eat them up!, Im hungry"

 

I had to leave the room to not bust out laughing and his mother is just sitting there shaking her head..

Has he been in a Mexican market lately - they have Bimbos on the shelves.

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pops

pops 6959

Posted
Posted

9 year old just asked me the score of the cardinals/rockies game. Said nothing nothing. Without missing a beat he says so the bears are winning? 

Then,  to double down,  he walks into the room with the game on the TV and just says Colorado rockies in anumpumas voice. 

I'm either the worst parent in the world or the best. 

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Modessit

Modessit 5582

Posted
Posted

My 7yo son is talking to me about a video game. His 5yo sister (who still has problems with her Rs) is chiming in:

Son: Dad! I finished the game. I'm an expert at it.

Me: You did it all?

Son: Well, I got a 66% completion but I beat the last boss.

Me: Good job, but you're not really an expert if you only got 66%.

Daughter: I'm a pwo at it.

Son: You're not a pro. You're a noob.

Daughter: I'm not a noob.

Son. Yes you are.

Daughter: Actually, I'm a hacker.

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Modessit

Modessit 5582

Posted
Posted

Also on the trip, my wife and I were talking about the Beatles when my wife mentioned that my son's music teacher played one of their songs in his class last year. I made a joke about singing beetles.

Son: Dad, it's a band.

Me: Well, they WERE a band. Two of them have died already.

Son: So now they're just The Beatle?

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Grade of D as in David

Grade of D as in David 13253

Posted
Posted
7 hours ago, Modessit said:

Also on the trip, my wife and I were talking about the Beatles when my wife mentioned that my son's music teacher played one of their songs in his class last year. I made a joke about singing beetles.

Son: Dad, it's a band.

Me: Well, they WERE a band. Two of them have died already.

Son: So now they're just The Beatle?
 

Pretty good dig on Ringo for a 7 year old

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Prepuce of Doom

Prepuce of Doom 20909

Posted
Posted (edited)

I don't know the context, if any - may have just been a spontaneous utterance, though we are still working on several aspects of his bathroom self-sufficiency such that the current battle is over his insistence at shitting only while nude. That obviously won't fly in first grade, so the rest of this summer is going to be contentious. 

Anyway, this morning before I got out of bed, I heard the Doomlet shout at his mother in an accusatory tone that, "the only thing you care about is butt hygiene!" 

Edited by Prepuce of Doom
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Prepuce of Doom

Prepuce of Doom 20909

Posted
Posted
On 4/29/2021 at 5:15 PM, Prepuce of Doom said:

In case anyone needs ideas for Mother's Day gifts, the Doomlet suggested "a disobedient clown with diarrhea" for his mother this year, and I figured I'd pass that along for anyone else who is similarly stumped... 

Mrs. Doom's birthday is coming up, so I asked the boy to think about what presents she might like. 

Suggestion #1 was "pet dog," #2 was "more TP," and, you guessed it, #3 was our old standby, "disobedient diarrhea clown." 

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