Shit My Kid Says

[Hook1997 5,241]

@Prepuce of Doom  Doomlet will be a surly legend before he ever makes his first post.  I say by twelve he will be ready his own account lol.   

Edited July 20, 2021 by Hook1997

[Prepuce of Doom 20,909]

47 minutes ago, Hook1997 said:

@Prepuce of Doom  Doomlet will be a surly legend before he ever makes his first post.  I say by twelve he will be ready his own account lol.   

Yeah, somewhere between 10 and 14 is my current estimate. 

But I can't even imagine the new heights of foolishness that our household will endure as a result. 

[ROFL BOX 6,623]

2 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Yeah, somewhere between 10 and 14 is my current estimate. 

But I can't even imagine the new heights of foolishness that our household will endure as a result. 

I'm thinking if the Earf survives long enough, Doomlet will take the Supreme 2nd in Command Mod role from @immamac .

[Slacks 6,723]

Last week, I was teaching little bro (who turned 13 yesterday) how to play holdem with a few of my buddies at a house we rented on the Guadalupe...

Lil Bro: "I'm going to win."

Buddy1: "Do you even know how to play poker?"

Lol Bro: "Nope. Doesnt matter. When I want something or I'm going to do something, I say it and it happens. It shows up. That's how it works at our house."

Buddy2: "I need to spend more time at your house."

Night proceeds, Lil Bro starts getting hands blind, taking people out (took me out) and ends up with the largest chip stack when everyone decides to call it quits.

"I told y'all. That's how it works."

The next day he said he was going to be wealthy, so he'd buy me any car I want... and a beach.

I believe.

 

Edited July 20, 2021 by Snacks
Editing

[ROFL BOX 6,623]

You're getting your very own private bitch.

[Slacks 6,723]

On 7/20/2021 at 9:49 AM, ROFL BOX said:

You're getting your very own private bitch.

So... Not South Austin's mom...

[Prepuce of Doom 20,909]

This almost certainly has to be parroted from elsewhere (though I can't find any reference online), but I was just informed that, "when an employee and an employer love each other, a new job is born." 

[CooterBrown 17,762]

At a pizza joint last night, 8 YO is perusing the menu…”oooh, this sounds good…pineapple, coconut…it’s called the painkiller. I think I’ll have that!”

[ROFL BOX 6,623]

23 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

This almost certainly has to be parroted from elsewhere (though I can't find any reference online), but I was just informed that, "when an employee and an employer love each other, a new job is born." 

Not if the "job' blows.

[Prepuce of Doom 20,909]

Doomlet is watching Temple of Doom for the first time, and during the introduction to Mola Ram with the first heart grab/lava lowering sacrifice scene, he pointed out to us that "this looks like an album from Slayer." 

Edited August 7, 2021 by Prepuce of Doom

[Modessit 5,582]

Wife and I were talking about a movie we saw in the theater and trying to remember what year it came out. I look it up on IMDB.

Me: Wow. That was 2012. (Before kids)

Son (born in 2013): So it was in black & white?

[markstanco 12,449]

Oldest kiddo has two friends over right now. I’ve been in the yard and just showered and ready to watch some college football. They were watching a movie. I come upstairs and say “some girls keep driving by on a side by side, who is it?” They left in 10 seconds.

And no, no girls drove by. Dad 1, Oldest kid 0.

[Prepuce of Doom 20,909]

I hid around a corner of the house and frightened the crap out of the boy when he got home from school today. 

He called me a "butt demon" in response. 

[ShaggyBevo RIP 3,859]

On 6/28/2021 at 5:25 PM, Laxtonto said:

We are in Ohio now, so he has never had the joy of visiting a Mexican grocer

Aren't you in Toledo? There are some in Toledo. Pretty sure the La Perla tortillas, I bought when we lived in Columbus, bakery is in Toledo.

Edited September 22, 2021 by ShaggyBevo RIP

[Slacks 6,723]

On 7/20/2021 at 8:11 AM, Snacks said:

Last week, I was teaching little bro (who turned 13 yesterday) how to play holdem with a few of my buddies at a house we rented on the Guadalupe...

Lil Bro: "I'm going to win."

Buddy1: "Do you even know how to play poker?"

Lol Bro: "Nope. Doesnt matter. When I want something or I'm going to do something, I say it and it happens. It shows up. That's how it works at our house."

Buddy2: "I need to spend more time at your house."

Night proceeds, Lil Bro starts getting hands blind, taking people out (took me out) and ends up with the largest chip stack when everyone decides to call it quits.

"I told y'all. That's how it works."

The next day he said he was going to be wealthy, so he'd buy me any car I want... and a beach.

I believe.

 

So... Last night, Little Bro scores his first TD in a tackle football game (8th Grade) on his 2nd carry ever. He's a backup RB to a kid that already has several private school tuition offers and (rumored) a college offer. His 1st carry was 11 yards on 3rd and 10. Next play was 30 yard TD as the game clock expired...

When we get home, I pull out one of those Middle School Football Yard signs that I bought to support the team...

"Hey, sign this sign so I can put it in the yard."

He signs...

"Hold on to that. You're going to be able to sell it for about $2MM one day."

"If I can sell it for $2MM, that means you're worth about a billion..."

"Yep."

"But you already told me you'd buy me any car you want... and a beach.  I'm not selling this sign."

"You right."

[Mitch Cumsteen 18,413]

I've done a terrible job as a father, both from a football perspective and as a jew. My 14 year old daughter went to the football game and was offended because everybody kept doing the Nazi solute. "Uh, honey, that's just a signal for a first down."

[tbone_ 13,991]

Pretty sure my 14yo daughter couldn’t point to the end zone at a football game.

[burns_312 353]

Driving kids to school the other day and “Song of the South” comes on the radio and 5 year old son starts in on it. “Song, song of the south, sweet potato fries and I shut my mouth” at the top of his lungs. His eght year old sister looks at me and serious as a heart attack says “did they even have sweet potato fries when this song was made?”


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Doc Reeves 6,434]

 

my 4 year old evidently was told that “dude” is a naughty/ toilet word.

 

dudes, I’m in fucking trouble.

[Hmbre97 6,264]

Talking to my 10yo on the phone one night that him and his 5yo brother were with their mom. 
 

Me: What's your brother doing right now?

10yo: He's watching Puss in Boots :starts giggling:

Me: What's funny about that? (even though I know him and his friends are starting to experiment with dirty jokes so I have a feeling where this is going)

10yo: I dunno, Puss in Boots. more like Puss on my face :more giggling:

Me:

 

10yo: :more giggling: No wait, he's watching Puss on my weiner :starts laughing:

Me: Hold up son, I let some stuff slide but you're not old enough to be saying stuff like that. Who's telling you these jokes?

10yo: I didn't say anything bad. I said it with a U and not an I

Me: Wait, you think it's funny if it's piss instead of puss?

10yo: Yeah, I guess. My fortnite friend said it and I think that's what he meant.

Me: We're gonna have to have a chat in a couple of years but for now, don't let your mom hear any of your jokes....

[Grade of D as in David 13,253]

As part of that chat in a couple of years tell him to expect to pay more for piss fetish stuff.

 

[Prepuce of Doom 20,909]

Mrs. Doom and Doomlet made a guitar yesterday, and I just noticed the adornment. 

 

Edited October 17, 2021 by Prepuce of Doom

[Bevo&Pevo 4,932]

Guessing he can play the shit out of it.

[SilasCoade 2,620]

 I like your chairs. Remind me of the chairs in my grandfather's waiting room of his practice.

[Prepuce of Doom 20,909]

Thanks, they look a little harsh or minimalist, but they're very comfortable. 

And all the songs seem to sound the same. 

[Prepuce of Doom 20,909]

Broached over the dinner table tonight: Would you rather drink lemon juice for an hour, or get paper cuts in your sleep? 

[High Plains Drifter 10,937]

 

Wife lost a big case, and we were commiserating. 11 yr old daughter was eaves dropping. After a bit, she says "At least you're not as bad as that cat lawyer guy."

 

for those who don't know or remember cat lawyer guy:

 

[Scheiss Meister 8,321]

16 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Broached over the dinner table tonight: Would you rather drink lemon juice for an hour, or get paper cuts in your sleep? 

So, did you drink the lemon juice, or wake up covered in paper cuts?

[Prepuce of Doom 20,909]

10 hours ago, Scheiss Meister said:

So, did you drink the lemon juice, or wake up covered in paper cuts?

Neither, but was awakened at 3am to answer the very pressing question of whether extinct prehistoric animals might somehow come back to life. 

I was too tired to tell him "life finds a way." 

[Hmbre97 6,264]

10 yr old walking to laundry room holding a pair of underwear

Me: whatcha got there bud?
Him: my underwear...
Me: having some issues?
Him: I had a foop accident but just a tiny bit
Me: foop?
Him: I farted but then some poop came out too. I call it fooping.
Me: alright, fair enough. Happens to the best of us.

[Doc Reeves 6,434]

me:   good morning honey, are you all ready for school?

4y/o daughter:    yes dada, all ready

me:    that’s great, you look pretty in your dress today 

daughter: (while striking a model pose) yep dada, I’m a preeeeeetty girl! (Then raises her arm and make the 3pt-nothing-but-net hand motion and walks off)

[Scheiss Meister 8,321]

On 10/19/2021 at 7:13 PM, Hmbre97 said:

10 yr old walking to laundry room holding a pair of underwear

Me: whatcha got there bud?
Him: my underwear...
Me: having some issues?
Him: I had a foop accident but just a tiny bit
Me: foop?
Him: I farted but then some poop came out too. I call it fooping.
Me: alright, fair enough. Happens to the best of us.

 

I guess I'll stop using the mangled idiom "one swell foop" now.

[Prepuce of Doom 20,909]

Securing the Doomlet into his car seat this evening and taking care not to buckle his nuts, I learned that he refers to his scrotum as his "jojo." 

[Kennythetiger 9,284]

On 10/17/2021 at 8:00 PM, Prepuce of Doom said:

Broached over the dinner table tonight: Would you rather drink lemon juice for an hour, or get paper cuts in your sleep? 

Ask him if he’d rather have a paper cut between his fingers or a paper cut on his tongue. 

[ROFL BOX 6,623]

Kid related.

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk

[ROFL BOX 6,623]

me:   good morning honey, are you all ready for school?
4y/o daughter:    yes dada, all ready
me:    that’s great, you look pretty in your dress today 
daughter: (while striking a model pose) yep dada, I’m a preeeeeetty girl! (Then raises her arm and make the 3pt-nothing-but-net hand motion and walks off)

I was hoping for the "fart noise from armpit" business, but this will suffice.

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk

[Prepuce of Doom 20,909]

Doomlet just drew this picture of a demolition derby car. 

[Marfa Low Crown 2,540]

On 10/19/2021 at 7:13 PM, Hmbre97 said:

10 yr old walking to laundry room holding a pair of underwear

Me: whatcha got there bud?
Him: my underwear...
Me: having some issues?
Him: I had a foop accident but just a tiny bit
Me: foop?
Him: I farted but then some poop came out too. I call it fooping.
Me: alright, fair enough. Happens to the best of us.

 

Send him our way & we’ll get him straight. 

[Scheiss Meister 8,321]

4 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Doomlet just drew this picture of a demolition derby car. 

The presence of The Dark Gourd is twisting Doomlet.  I love it.

[Trey3216 15,308]

11 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Doomlet just drew this picture of a demolition derby car. 

Rex Ryan approves 

Edited October 25, 2021 by Trey3216

[Doc Reeves 6,434]

mat dinner with me, wife and 4yo daughter.

me: well, it was an eventful trip to the apple store. Dee was showing off with the Genius Bar guy and knocked my brand new phone into the ground. Luckily everything was fine

my wife: (while looking at my daughter) oh my, well that sounds like it was very embarrassing.

me: (also while looking at my daughter) it was. I thought my little girl was going to use her manners better…

 

<we all sit looking at each other for about 10 sec>
 

my daughter: Don’t worry momma, I wasn’t embarrassed.

 

[Jameslaw121 4,440]

I was ruffling my sons hair saying "Your hairs messed up! You hairs messed up"

him "Well...I mean at least I have hair."

listen here you little fuck ( I am very bald)

[Hate 20,061]

Did you tell him it is hereditary?

[Jameslaw121 4,440]

3 hours ago, Hate said:

Did you tell him it is hereditary?

yes. Yes I did

 

[Doc Reeves 6,434]

1 hour ago, Jameslaw121 said:

yes. Yes I did

 

His first brush with mortality…

[Hmbre97 6,264]

My 5 yr old after punching on his brother and being an asshole

Me: Son, you keep acting like this and Santa ain't bringing you nothing but coal for Christmas

Him: Well, we like to grill a lot so I wouldn't mind getting coal.

Me: 

[Prepuce of Doom 20,909]

You need to remind him that Krampus will stuff him in a sack and hit him with sticks. 

Sometimes that's the only thing that can rein in the Doomlet when he's on a tear. I wear a Krampus sweater when I'm cold around the house to serve as a constant reminder. We even have a Krampus topper on our Christmas tree. 

 

Edited November 5, 2021 by Prepuce of Doom
Added sweater and tree topper photos.

[Prepuce of Doom 20,909]

Had enchiladas for dinner tonight. 

Doomlet now refers to them as "meat bags." 

[CooterBrown 17,762]

My 9 YO requested the Brazilian steakhouse for her birthday dinner today. Halfway through dinner she proclaimed “I’m a monster. I love lamb.”

[ulukinatme 1,740]

A couple months back I was having a conversation with my daughter, and Philip(Tiny Trouble) butted in trying to get my attention:

Philip: "Dad.  Dad.  Dad.  Dad.  Dad  Dad  Dad  Dad. Dad.  Dad.  Dad.  Dad.  Dad  Dad  Dad  Dad."
Me:  "Just hold on, buddy, Libby is talking to me."
Philip: "Dad!  Dad!  Dad!  Dad!  Dad!  Dad!  Dad!  Dad! Dad!  Dad!  Dad!  Dad!  Dad!  Dad!  Dad!  Dad!"
Me:  "Just wait, dude, it's not your turn."
Philip:  "DAD!  DAD!  DAD!  DAD!  DAD!  DAD!  DAD! DAD!  DAD!  DAD!  DAD!  DAD!  DAD!  DAD!"
Me:  "Okay, what?!  What is so important?"
Philip:  "We should get a shark's head and mount it on the wall!"

I know what he's getting for Christmas now.

Edited November 11, 2021 by ulukinatme