Shit My Kid Says

[ROFL BOX 6623]

 

 

[ulukinatme 1740]

14 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

 

 

That's not bad, I was thinking about something more like this though:

Ebros Great White Shark Trophy Wall Decor Sculptural Hanging Plaque 12"Tall Taxidermy Art Decor Sculpture Ocean Apex Predator Shark Wall Bust Plaque

 

[High Plains Drifter 10937]

On 11/10/2021 at 7:44 PM, CooterBrown said:

My 9 YO requested the Brazilian steakhouse for her birthday dinner today. Halfway through dinner she proclaimed “I’m a monster. I love lamb.”

 

When my daughter was younger, she called meat "super hero food". My vegetarian wife was not amused.

 

[OrangEngr 1034]

On 11/10/2021 at 7:44 PM, CooterBrown said:

My 9 YO requested the Brazilian steakhouse for her birthday dinner today. Halfway through dinner she proclaimed “I’m a monster. I love lamb.”

 

26154FB9-9B69-449C-A8A9-9B3BB0C60464.webp

[Surly Bevo 24608]

Last night my 14 year old son got up off the couch walking off disgusted and said, “fuckin make a tackle” as Brockermeyer got trucked by Daniels in route to a rushing TD.

Love that kid.

[BigDHornfan 6512]

Having a conversation with my wife in the kitchen last night and she mentions we are out of big batteries.  
I ask her are you talking about C's or D's.
From the living room, the 9 yr old boy yells out  "Deez Nuts!"

I went and gave him a high five.

[TKthunder2 4959]

This one may be super tame compared to most of yall’s spawn but my almost 5yo boy was playing with his toy doctor kit and I was telling him the names of things

Me-Stethoscope, Scalpel, Tweezers, Blood Pressure Cuff…

Boy-”No!”

Me-Yes, that’s a Blood Pressure Cuff

Boy-”No, it’s a cheese pocket” 

[CooterBrown 17762]

At pick up today, I asked my 9YO daughter to point out her friend’s dad. She pointed to a crowd and said “He has the punchable face.”

100% chance she got that phrase from her mom.

[Slacks 6723]

On 11/16/2021 at 8:46 AM, TKthunder2 said:

This one may be super tame compared to most of yall’s spawn but my almost 5yo boy was playing with his toy doctor kit and I was telling him the names of things

Me-Stethoscope, Scalpel, Tweezers, Blood Pressure Cuff…

Boy-”No!”

Me-Yes, that’s a Blood Pressure Cuff

Boy-”No, it’s a cheese pocket” 

I'm trying really hard... but I got nothing on a cheese pocket.

[Slacks 6723]

Text just now with Lil Bro (now 13 / 8th grade):

Me: Hey

LB: Whattttttttt

Me: I'm proud of you and I love you.

LB: You finna die or sum?

Me: Haaaaaaahhahaaa... No. Just want you to know.

LB: Alright

[Doc Reeves 6434]

We are playing 911/police officer.

 

4yr old daughter:  “Officer dadda, someone stole my backpack with my stuffies in it!”

Me: “ Oh no, don’t worry Ill help. What did the bad guy look like?”

daughter:  “He was brown with a hat”

Me: “………..uhhhh……brown…how?”

daughter: “He had a brown hat!!”

Me: “(oh, thank God) No worries! Officer Dadda is on the case!”

[Prepuce of Doom 20909]

When I went to take this picture, Doomlet begged "please don't show that to Santa!" 

[Slacks 6723]

On 11/21/2021 at 9:52 AM, Doc Reeves said:

We are playing 911/police officer.

 

4yr old daughter:  “Officer dadda, someone stole my backpack with my stuffies in it!”

Me: “ Oh no, don’t worry Ill help. What did the bad guy look like?”

daughter:  “He was brown with a hat”

Me: “………..uhhhh……brown…how?”

daughter: “He had a brown hat!!”

Me: “(oh, thank God) No worries! Officer Dadda is on the case!”

Too late... She's gonna frame the browns.

[CooterBrown 17762]

9 YO at dinner: “Mom is acting like a lil fucker.”

Me: “we don’t talk like that regardless of how your mom talks.”

9 YO looking confused and then slowly: “I said Lord Farquaad.”

I don’t know if I believe her.

[tbone_ 13991]

9 YO at dinner: “Mom is acting like a lil fucker.”

Me: “we don’t talk like that regardless of how your mom talks.”

9 YO looking confused and then slowly: “I said Lord Farquaad.”

I don’t know if I believe her.

That would have gotten me punched in the face at 9.

[CooterBrown 17762]

That would have gotten me punched in the face at 9.

Kind of hard to do anything when their mom drops about 50 “fucks” directly at the kids each day.

[Covri 6155]

My 6 year old just said “Daddy isn’t that funny, an ad inside an ad!”  to that direct tv/Wonder Woman/Serena Williams ad. I just said sure son, sure.

[blacklab 11826]

11yo - What's a Celtic?

me - someone from Ireland

11yo - Then why is the Celtic's logo the monopoly man?

[CooterBrown 17762]

Drove my 15 YO and a couple of her friends to the Domain.

On the way one said “it’s like that book about the kids on the island that turn into cannibals.”

Other kid “I think it was called Gilligan’s Island.”

[Whatever 700]

On 2/10/2021 at 11:36 PM, ztejas said:

She does not.

Norm?

[demos 2978]

Stopped at sonic, 5yo says she wants a cheeseburger, then says, “if they don’t put cheese on it, I’m gonna call them fers (she has learned she can’t says fuck)”

[Doc Reeves 6434]

When playing Dr. my daughter calls the patients “customers” 

[Doc Reeves 6434]

Also, for some reason my 4yo daughter is under the impression that one day her mom and I will grow smaller and become babies like she was and she will care for us. I have no idea who told her that but it’s been pretty hard to convince her the world works otherwise 

[SilasCoade 2620]

1 hour ago, Doc Reeves said:

When playing Dr. my daughter calls the patients “customers” 

so do the soulless corporate overlords I work for.

[SHOOTER12 8769]

On 11/29/2021 at 7:00 PM, Doc Reeves said:

Also, for some reason my 4yo daughter is under the impression that one day her mom and I will grow smaller and become babies like she was and she will care for us. I have no idea who told her that but it’s been pretty hard to convince her the world works otherwise 

Well, aside from the getting younger and smaller...if she's a good girl she more than likely will be taking care of you.

[Longboard Horn 39898]

Visiting family in Arizona and hiking through the mountains with them the other day when my youngest sister stumbles and scrapes her knee. It’s not bad just needs to be washed and have a little rubbing alcohol put on it. As we’re bandaging her she says “well at least this is better than psoriasis.”

[Prepuce of Doom 20909]

Doomlet gave himself a tattoo yesterday - "eat your blood" with a scary face. 

He then offered me a tattoo, so of course, I accepted, if for no other reason than to discover whatever other fucked up things he might come up with. 

"give me your poop" and "poop your pants" 

[ROFL BOX 6623]

Doomlet is gonna work @ a scrip club.

Hopefully as a bouncer.

Sent from my SM-A326U1 using Tapatalk

[Prepuce of Doom 20909]

Today I learned that the Titanic sank because someone woke up a mummy. 

Also, Doomlet told me the other day that he's going to carry a dinner fork with him on Halloween next year to defend himself from zombies. 

[Grade of D as in David 13253]

8 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Today I learned that the Titanic sank because someone woke up a mummy. 

Also, Doomlet told me the other day that he's going to carry a dinner fork with him on Halloween next year to defend himself from zombies. 

He should also take a pumpkin knife. You know, just in case the demon gourd comes to life.

[Doc Reeves 6434]

4yo Daughter: “ok daddy, you need to call me on the phone and tell me there is a bad guy and you need supergirl to help you and if she didn’t hurry the bad guy will get away and you are scared. Ok? Ok, call me now dadda.”

Me: “ring, ring, ring”

Daughter: “hello?”

Me: “help supergirl we need you, there is a bad guy and I am scared, please help!”

Daughter: “No, I’m busy” *click* and walks out of the room. 

[Jerry Callo 8631]

Oh . . . you're in trouble.

[Longboard Horn 39898]

Fucked around, found out... 

[Doc Reeves 6434]

5 hours ago, Jerry Callo said:

Oh . . . you're in trouble.

She’s got a twin sister

[Doc Reeves 6434]

Me: “good morning honey! Merry Christmas!”

4yo daughter: “merry Christmas…..Dexter(the fucking dog)”

[Goofyboy 3013]

My son labeled my gift with my name instead of Dad. He loves the Simpsons.

[Prepuce of Doom 20909]

Mrs. Doom's parents brought their Boston Terrier over to our house for Christmas dinner. 

At one point later on in the evening when all of the adults were just kind of sitting around in a stupor, Doomlet casually sauntered up to me and whispered in my ear, "I was just looking at the dog's butthole. Don't tell Mom." 

[Longboard Horn 39898]

17 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Mrs. Doom's parents brought their Boston Terrier over to our house for Christmas dinner. 

At one point later on in the evening when all of the adults were just kind of sitting around in a stupor, Doomlet casually sauntered up to me and whispered in my ear, "I was just looking at the dog's butthole. Don't tell Mom." 

Fascinating, the boy has already chosen a career path. Say hello to Dr. Doomlet, future proctologist! 

[Scheiss Meister 8321]

17 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Mrs. Doom's parents brought their Boston Terrier over to our house for Christmas dinner. 

At one point later on in the evening when all of the adults were just kind of sitting around in a stupor, Doomlet casually sauntered up to me and whispered in my ear, "I was just looking at the dog's butthole. Don't tell Mom." 

Interesting boy you're raising there, Doom.  Interesting indeed.

[Grade of D as in David 13253]

17 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Mrs. Doom's parents brought their Boston Terrier over to our house for Christmas dinner. 

At one point later on in the evening when all of the adults were just kind of sitting around in a stupor, Doomlet casually sauntered up to me and whispered in my ear, "I was just looking at the dog's butthole. Don't tell Mom." 

Not going to have to tell mom anything, the pink eye will give him away.

[Longboard Horn 39898]

1 minute ago, Grade of D as in David said:

Not going to have to tell mom anything, the pink eye will give him away.

[Doc Reeves 6434]

Me: “it’s been quite in there for a while, what are you up to?”

4yo Daughter: (nervously) “Dad! Hi! I just had my new makeup kit I got for Christmas and was……..doing nothing…”

[Prepuce of Doom 20909]

We have in-floor heating registers in our house. 

Doomlet has begun squatting over them whenever he needs to fart in order to spread the good tidings throughout the room. 

Also, he got a blank journal for Christmas. Here's the table of contents for the book he's writing. 

[Superhero 8636]

My 6 YO took ski lessons for 2 days, and on the 3 day was fearless on the mountain...

6 YO: Daddy, I'll see you at the bottom.

(When I finally catch up)

6 YO: Daddy, what took you so long? Was it because of your knee? It doesn't matter because I'm now the best skier in the family.

 

[Superhero 8636]

My 6 YO again...

Mom: Daddy's going to stay with you until you fall asleep.

Boy: I don't want him because he snores really loud. And he drools. Last time he drooled into my ear, and it was like a swimming pool. Then it washed the earwax into my brain.

[Doc Reeves 6434]

My daughter breaks containment and runs to our bedroom to jump on our bed. It’s brand new so it’s been a bit of a battle between us. 
 

twin 4 yo sister while sitting on the couch with me:  “Go Abby! Go! Go!!”

*looks at me, pauses, smiles*

”dammit”

 

suddenly, I’m the one in trouble. 

Edited January 6, 2022 by Doc Reeves

[Jameslaw121 4440]

Didn't want to start a new thread but. 

My oldest has a one year old. In mid 20's - The three of them are going through the normal mid 20's with a kid problems. Not enough money. Not enough time.

Been going back and forth about paying off her truck for her. Part of me is like - yeah that would really help them. Other part of me is like "let them grow up. They're doing a hell of alot better than I was at that age. don't interfere with it"

I took the afternoon off with just me and the 2.5 yo girl. She smashed her finger and was crying and asked me to kiss it better. Afterwards she was all smiles and laughs. I wish it always stayed this easy....

[Prepuce of Doom 20909]

Doomlet is allowed to play games on Mrs. Doom's old phone for two 15 minute periods per day. We're fairly involved in making sure that he only plays games that have a bunch of downloads (i.e., let others be the early adopters in case of malware, etc.), that don't have in-app purchases, aren't violent in nature, and don't have in-game communication between players. 

He just showed her some level achievement or whatever that he was proud of, and then the game cycled to the high score board, at which point she was alarmed to see that one player in the game was called "Fat Cat Poop In A Jar" and worried that maybe this game wasn't appropriate for him. 

... 

As I'm sure that regular readers of this thread have already anticipated, Doomlet's screen name in that game is none other than Fat Cat Poop In A Jar. 

Edited January 7, 2022 by Prepuce of Doom

[CooterBrown 17762]

9YO while watching The Book of Boba Fett: “The original Star Wars movies are the best Star Wars movies.”

Me:

[Longboard Horn 39898]

16 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Doomlet is allowed to play games on Mrs. Doom's old phone for two 15 minute periods per day. We're fairly involved in making sure that he only plays games that have a bunch of downloads (i.e., let others be the early adopters in case of malware, etc.), that don't have in-app purchases, aren't violent in nature, and don't have in-game communication between players. 

He just showed her some level achievement or whatever that he was proud of, and then the game cycled to the high score board, at which point she was alarmed to see that one player in the game was called "Fat Cat Poop In A Jar" and worried that maybe this game wasn't appropriate for him. 

... 

As I'm sure that regular readers of this thread have already anticipated, Doomlet's screen name in that game is none other than Fat Cat Poop In A Jar. 

Will that also be his Surly handle?