Shit My Kid Says

[Prepuce of Doom 20906]

19 minutes ago, Longboard Horn said:

Will that also be his Surly handle?

Perhaps, as @Scheiss Meister is already taken... 

[Scheiss Meister 8321]

11 minutes ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Perhaps, as @Scheiss Meister is already taken... 

Damn right it is.  Maybe he and I can work out a "Dread Pirate Roberts" situation, where he takes over the handle when I am ready to retire.

[Brisketexan 103650]

I’ll be watching Doomlet’s progress carefully. That boy may be going places.

Mostly “to the bathroom,” but still…greatness is greatness.

[BigDHornfan 6512]

Sitting with the boy on the couch.
Watching wheel of fortune.
Someone calls for a D.
without looking up from his Nintendo,
Says D’s nuts!!

[Longboard Horn 39896]

On 12/26/2021 at 3:27 PM, Prepuce of Doom said:

Mrs. Doom's parents brought their Boston Terrier over to our house for Christmas dinner. 

At one point later on in the evening when all of the adults were just kind of sitting around in a stupor, Doomlet casually sauntered up to me and whispered in my ear, "I was just looking at the dog's butthole. Don't tell Mom." 

 

On 12/27/2021 at 9:01 AM, Longboard Horn said:

Fascinating, the boy has already chosen a career path. Say hello to Dr. Doomlet, future proctologist! 

Found Doomlet

[Prepuce of Doom 20906]

He was fiddling around with his school iPad's online book reserve just now and somehow found his way to a book called "Weaponizing Poop" about primitive germ warfare. 

[Armybrat 40559]

5 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

He was fiddling around with his school iPad's online book reserve just now and somehow found his way to a book called "Weaponizing Poop" about primitive germ warfare. 

We are gonna have to persuade the mods here to start a new forum exclusively for the Doomlet’s adventures.

[Prepuce of Doom 20906]

He referred to a toilet scrub brush as a "toilet sword" today. 

I look forward to the day when he hears the legend of the Poop Knife. 

[Armybrat 40559]

God forbid Dad educates him about the waffle stomp.

[Jerry Callo 8631]

2 minutes ago, Armybrat said:

God forbid Dad educates him about the waffle stomp.

I'm guessing that is going to come to him naturally - if it hasn't already.

[thunderlounge 7642]

7 minutes ago, Jerry Callo said:

I'm guessing that is going to come to him naturally - if it hasn't already.

Agreed. It’s the blumpkin that is questionable, but also likely to be self-discovered by early teens. 

[High Plains Drifter 10937]

On 1/9/2022 at 7:55 PM, BigDHornfan said:

Sitting with the boy on the couch.
Watching wheel of fortune.
Someone calls for a D.
without looking up from his Nintendo,
Says D’s nuts!!

 

this is either the worst or best hiaku I have ever read.

 

[Superhero 8636]

From several years ago when he was still in preschool…

”If you don’t know a guy’s name, you can just call him Bro.”

[Trey3216 15308]

1 hour ago, Superhero said:

From several years ago when he was still in preschool…

”If you don’t know a guy’s name, you can just call him Bro.”

Avatar kinda checks out  

[Prepuce of Doom 20906]

Doomlet has been punching and kicking us in the back of the knee every now and then lately and I'm fucking fed up with it. He just did it to me and I spazzed and shouted at him. I couldn't remember whether the last time he did it I told him that any subsequent knee sneak attacks would be met with an immediate time out, so I told him that front that point on, any knee attacks from behind are an automatic trip to the penalty box.

I wrote it on a Post It both to help me remember the line I have drawn in the sand, but also so that he could sign the document to acknowledge his understanding of the new policy. 

 

[UTPhil2006 3773]

I find it hard to believe Doomlet hasn't said something Surl worthy in almost *checks watch*.. 3 weeks.

[davidg 4015]

On 1/23/2022 at 3:18 PM, Prepuce of Doom said:

Doomlet has been punching and kicking us in the back of the knee every now and then lately and I'm fucking fed up with it. He just did it to me and I spazzed and shouted at him. I couldn't remember whether the last time he did it I told him that any subsequent knee sneak attacks would be met with an immediate time out, so I told him that front that point on, any knee attacks from behind are an automatic trip to the penalty box.

I wrote it on a Post It both to help me remember the line I have drawn in the sand, but also so that he could sign the document to acknowledge his understanding of the new policy. 

 

He's gonna come up and kick you right in the shin now and claim impunity.

[Prepuce of Doom 20906]

1 hour ago, UTPhil2006 said:

I find it hard to believe Doomlet hasn't said something Surl worthy in almost *checks watch*.. 3 weeks.

Just garden-variety sass. 

But we got our first call home from his teacher - someone else was stuffing his friend into a locker, so Doomlet (the second smallest boy in his class) shoved the aggressor, which in turn attracted the attention of the most high-strung spaz (the smallest boy, incidentally) in the class who then turned it all into a melee.

And a long pattern of insolence on the "show your work/explain your reasoning" types of questions in math class has finally resulted in him getting moved into a separate and more advanced math class. 

*all the weird doodles are from some game he's currently obsessed with (Among Us) that to my knowledge he's never even played, but apparently it's all the rage with the kids at school. 

 

Edited February 9, 2022 by Prepuce of Doom

[Jerry Callo 8631]

blah blah blah for the win.

[UTPhil2006 3773]

I use my head blah blah blah is 100% going to be my reasoning for everything going forward.

[High Plains Drifter 10937]

1 hour ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Just garden-variety sass. 

But we got our first call home from his teacher - someone else was stuffing his friend into a locker, so Doomlet (the second smallest boy in his class) shoved the aggressor, which in turn attracted the attention of the most high-strung spaz (the smallest boy, incidentally) in the class who then turned it all into a melee.

And a long pattern of insolence on the "show your work/explain your reasoning" types of questions in math class has finally resulted in him getting moved into a separate and more advanced math class. 

*all the weird doodles are from some game he's currently obsessed with (Among Us) that to my knowledge he's never even played, but apparently it's all the rage with the kids at school. 

 

 

My daughter (6th grade) loves among us. I think its similar to Werewolves, but in school answering some math question or something correctly is somehow incorporated into the game. Also, they play online somehow.

 

[Prepuce of Doom 20906]

1 hour ago, UTPhil2006 said:

I youse my head blah blah blah is 100% going to be my reasoning for everything going forward.

Fify

[blacklab 11826]

Wife has a credit card I pay off to use for food/kids stuff. She uses her own money for non essentials. At dinner last night and I mention to the wife she used the my credit card for non essential stuff. 

11yo: "Mom is such a golddigger" 

[Prepuce of Doom 20906]

Upon emerging from the bathroom, naked, "that was the second biggest poop of my life. It was big, and it was hot." 

I pressed him to tell me about the biggest poop of his life, and he explained "it took two hours. You were involved." 

[CooterBrown 17760]

Older kid was in the bathroom. 9 YO bangs on the door and yells “Let that poop go! It’s had a good life. It’s time to say goodbye and get out!”

[Prepuce of Doom 20906]

I was called a "Michigan State Fartan" during a game of indoor basketball this evening. 

[Hmbre97 6264]

2 weeks ago, watching my kid hen peck on his keyboard

Me: Son, you really need to practice your typing using the home row. You'll never type fast typing with 2 fingers.

Him: I try to type fast but I have trouble with my D's.

Me: Show me

Him: *Opens google search window, furiously types 'deez nuts' followed by uncontrollable laughter

Me: ......damnit

 

Fast forward to Monday

Me: You score some good loot at school exchanging valentines?

Him: Yeah, I got a bunch of different type of candies.

Me: Oh yeah, what kind of candies did you get?

Him: Candies nuts fit in your mouth *uncontrollable laughter* GOT EEEM!

Me: 

[Brisketexan 103650]

They share some gems when they get older, too. The boy’s been out having a good time with his buddies, and shared a story of them hanging out and listening to a dude playing Johnny Cash on the sax….

[Hook1997 5241]

49 minutes ago, Brisketexan said:

They share some gems when they get older, too. The boy’s been out having a good time with his buddies, and shared a story of them hanging out and listening to a dude playing Johnny Cash on the sax….

Sounds like awesome experience for him.   Man I really wish I would have done a semester abroad or just a summer traveling Europe when I was in college. 

[mininghorn88 2243]

11 hours ago, Hook1997 said:

Sounds like awesome experience for him.   Man I really wish I would have done a semester abroad or just a summer traveling Europe when I was in college. 

Me too. My only problem was money! If I wasn’t in class I was working to pay for school. Fortunately for me, my job has allowed me to travel the world at an age where I probably enjoy and understand it more.

[CooterBrown 17760]

As we we were leaving the 9YO’s basketball game: “You know what I love about sports? Kicking butt.”

[blacklab 11826]

when leaving the tech game we sat in the parking garage for a while without moving

11yo: "Probably a drunk tech fan blocking the exit"

[Superhero 8636]

The kids (9 and 7) and I were figuring out which movies they could watch. Sex and bad language were the deal breakers.

My 9 YO: I know the f word.

Me (quietly): Tell me what the f word is. Quietly because I don’t want your brother to hear.

9 YO: It’s f-u-c-k.

Me: How did you learn the word? Did anyone at school use the word?

9 YO: No. I learned it from you when you got mad. 

Edited February 20, 2022 by Superhero

[Frank The Tank 1438]

[DigglerontheHoof 20595]

On 2/20/2022 at 3:02 PM, Superhero said:

The kids (9 and 7) and I were figuring out which movies they could watch. Sex and bad language were the deal breakers.

My 9 YO: I know the f word.

Me (quietly): Tell me what the f word is. Quietly because I don’t want your brother to hear.

9 YO: It’s f-u-c-k.

Me: How did you learn the word? Did anyone at school use the word?

9 YO: No. I learned it from you when you got mad. 

 

[Superhero 8636]

On 2/20/2022 at 1:02 PM, Superhero said:

The kids (9 and 7) and I were figuring out which movies they could watch. Sex and bad language were the deal breakers.

My 9 YO: I know the f word.

Me (quietly): Tell me what the f word is. Quietly because I don’t want your brother to hear.

9 YO: It’s f-u-c-k.

Me: How did you learn the word? Did anyone at school use the word?

9 YO: No. I learned it from you when you got mad. 

Well shit. My 9 YO told on me yesterday.  She told mom that she knew the f-word because daddy used it before.

My wife was mad at me while I could only shrug my shoulders.

 

I need to talk to the kids today, and remind of the importance of the phrase "Don't tell mom".

[Jerry Callo 8631]

25 minutes ago, Superhero said:

I need to talk to the kids today, and remind of the importance of the phrase "Don't tell mom".

Good luck with that.  The first thing they say is - "Daddy told me not to tell you, but . . ." 

[Superhero 8636]

1 hour ago, Jerry Callo said:

Good luck with that.  The first thing they say is - "Daddy told me not to tell you, but . . ." 

[tbone_ 13991]

Yea that doesn’t work. Better just to own it.

[Prepuce of Doom 20906]

I couldn't give adequate context if I had all day, but he just (accurately) said "I used science to get my underwear off of the refrigerator."

[harpercollins 394]

Unless your kids are homeschooled there is zero chance a nine year old does not know the f word.

[CooterBrown 17760]

Took the oldest to Whataburger last night and for the first time ever she said “I’ll take a number 4.”

[Jerry Callo 8631]

22 minutes ago, harpercollins said:

Unless Especially if your kids are homeschooled there is zero chance a nine year old does not know the f word.

 

[Superhero 8636]

1 hour ago, Jerry Callo said:

 

Depends on who's homeschooling them though. Mom doesn't use that language except in the bedroom. Dad will drop the f bomb every 5 minutes if I have to homeschool them. (and they're really good kids compared to the ones we interact with).

[ztejas 42818]

3 hours ago, CooterBrown said:

Took the oldest to Whataburger last night and for the first time ever she said “I’ll take a number 4.”

I hope she's working up to some variation of "hey there boss - gonna do a #4 - let's make them onions and peños sweat a bit on the flattop. Do me a favor and take it easy on the mustard and link it up with some rings and a co cola."

[Superhero 8636]

On the way home from Chinese school, we're listening to radio which mentioned Covid...

7 YO: I'm going to invent a pill that you can eat so you never get the flu again. It's going to be sweet, and people will just *nom* *nom* *nom* eat it.

[Prepuce of Doom 20906]

Never poop on someone - that's the number one rule. Especially on their head. But if you have to, then you should try to poop on their buttcrack. 

[UTPhil2006 3773]

1 hour ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Never poop on someone - that's the number one rule. Especially on their head. But if you have to, then you should try to poop on their buttcrack. 

That's just solid logic.

[Superhero 8636]

My son started soccer practice today. This group is supposed to have passed an initial screening so there wouldn't be kids picking daisies. But apparently a few made it through, and one of them was on my son's team. 

The kid sucked, and even worse, wasn't trying. My son got in his face and yelled "What you doing? You supposed to kick it to your team! And you're not even trying!"

 

He probably shouldn't have done that, but it brought a tear to my eye.

[mininghorn88 2243]

15 hours ago, Superhero said:

My son started soccer practice today. This group is supposed to have passed an initial screening so there wouldn't be kids picking daisies. But apparently a few made it through, and one of them was on my son's team. 

The kid sucked, and even worse, wasn't trying. My son got in his face and yelled "What you doing? You supposed to kick it to your team! And you're not even trying!"

 

He probably shouldn't have done that, but it brought a tear to my eye.

When my son was in the 5th/6th grade I helped coach his youth football team.  The head coach was a total dumbass.  All he knew was yelling without any tangible instruction.  I do not think that he ever played and all he knew was "hit'em hard".  He ended up dying from a brain anuerysm while in his 40's (probably from yelling).  I do not have a problem with "tough" coaching as long as it is in context.  I know I did my fair share of yelling!