Jump to content

Shit My Kid Says

ROFL BOX

By ROFL BOX
in Lulz

 Share

Recommended Posts

Prepuce of Doom

Prepuce of Doom 21053

Posted
Posted (edited)
7 minutes ago, Scheiss Meister said:

Likes to live dangerously, does he?  My mom would have beaten me to death with one of my own arms if I'd said that to her.

We've got bigger behavioral fish to fry and have already lost the vulgarity war anyway. 

Edited by Prepuce of Doom
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
  • Replies 1.6k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Days

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Days

Popular Posts

Hmbre97
Hmbre97

2 weeks ago, watching my kid hen peck on his keyboard Me: Son, you really need to practice your typing using the home row. You'll never type fast typing with 2 fingers. Him: I try to type fa

Post Oak
Post Oak

My daughter (1st grade) has been having issues at recess.  She's really tender hearted and takes offense to just about everything.  When she tells me what's wrong to me it just sounds like playground

burns_312
burns_312

I coach college baseball and my 3 year old son has begun to catch on to things that go on at the ball field. He sees me talk to players when things go wrong, etc. Last night I was throwing him passes

Posted Images

  • 2 weeks later...
Hmbre97

Hmbre97 6305

Posted
Posted

Was giving my 6 yr old a bath and noticed he kept messing with his junk to the point of getting it standing at attention. I see him side-eying me and giggling but I ignore it. He gets out of the bath and starts waving it around. Again, I ignore it. We get into his room and start drying off. By now, it's back to normal but he just couldn't help himself as I'm about to help him get his underwear on. He grabs it and says " Dada, look how big my penis is! It's huge! :looks down: oh, it's small again"

  • Like 3
  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
  • 4 weeks later...
  • Popular Post
BigDHornfan

BigDHornfan 6545

Posted
  • Popular Post
Posted

So the boy has started texting from his ipad:

Got this gem the other night,

LilDHornfan-  Knock knock
Me - Who's there?
LD- Hello
Me- Hello who?
LD-  Hello motherfucker.

He gets his ipad back in a month.   but that doesn't mean I didn't laugh my ass off.

  • Like 5
  • Haha 15
  • Fuck Around and Find Out 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Prepuce of Doom

Prepuce of Doom 21053

Posted
Posted (edited)
5 hours ago, UTPhil2006 said:

Did Doomlet get sent to Summer camp or something?  I find it hard to believe our future leader hasn't said something funny in the last 3 weeks

Despite taking swim lessons for 2.5 years, he's unable to swim. The instructors at Goldfish allowed him to just hang out at the edge of the pool and chat with them if he felt like it, and he always felt like it, so he never actually learned how to swim. So he's ineligible for most summer camps. 

He had a birthday recently and received a Nintendo Switch, so almost everything he's had to say for the past few weeks has been related to the game Among Us. When he's not playing it, he's drawing characters from it or from Friday Night Funkin, his other current video game obsession. And none of that shit is very funny, just exhausting...

Edited by Prepuce of Doom
  • Hook 'Em 1
  • Rage+1 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Pig Bellmont

Pig Bellmont 8712

Posted
Posted

The other week I was driving my 4 y.o. daughter from daycare to pick up the 6 y.o. from kindergarten. I always try to have a little conversation: what did you have for lunch, who did you play with, stuff like that. 
 

Me:“So, sweetheart, did you have fun today? Who did you play with?”

Kid: (uninterested in talking) “Just drive the car, OK Daddy?”

Kevin Hart Reaction GIF
 

If this is 4- I can only imagine the attitude when she’s a teenager 

  • Hook 'Em 2
  • Like 1
  • Haha 4
  • Fuck Around and Find Out 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Hmbre97

Hmbre97 6305

Posted
Posted
10 hours ago, Post Oak said:

My 6year old told me yesterday, "dad you're sus"

I told him he better run

Just be glad he's saying it innocently. My 11 yr old is always trying to catch me slipping. Got called sus for eating a hot dog aka a glizzy. 

  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Longboard Horn

Longboard Horn 40294

Posted
Posted
12 hours ago, SHOOTER12 said:

Thank you good sir...

Yep, definitely old. Never heard of Among Us, haven't played a video game since Miss Pacman back in the day...

This is Among Us. One of my brothers, who is a grown man, plays it. I've watched him play it some, but don't fully understand it. Also with my schedule I don't have time to learn that bullshit nor do I have any intention to learn it. 

amoguslandscape_2560x1440-3fac17e8bb45d8

  • Hook 'Em 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
harpercollins

harpercollins 394

Posted
Posted
I dawned on me today that when HarperCollins multiposts, he doesn't really mean to multipost. What he wants is to share his excitement of a sick meme. What he wants is to bond with the board. What he wants is quality time together. Still, it's a hard no.

Legit LOL.

Sorry for the multi post. Tapa cray
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Hmbre97

Hmbre97 6305

Posted
Posted
8 hours ago, Longboard Horn said:

This is Among Us. One of my brothers, who is a grown man, plays it. I've watched him play it some, but don't fully understand it. Also with my schedule I don't have time to learn that bullshit nor do I have any intention to learn it. 

amoguslandscape_2560x1440-3fac17e8bb45d8

 

Among Us is only entertaining if played with close friends. It's just a video game version of a traditional social deduction game.

Most games have 10 or so players. You're on a space ship and have to do tasks to get the ship ready to launch (the tasks are stupid simple point and click mini games). The catch is 1 or 2 people are 'imposters' which don't do tasks but instead kill the other players. Once a dead body is seen and reported, everyone is pulled into a meeting and people have to make their case who the imposters are or to defend yourself if you're being accused. At the end of the meeting, everyone has a vote to boot someone off the ship who they think is the imposter. If the imposters are booted or they finish the tasks, the players win. If the imposters can kill everyone before the tasks are completed, the imposters win.

TLDR; it's not a video game that you have to learn to play as all the interactions are simple point and click mini games; The strategy is either bullshitting people or being convincing in your arguments.

 

As many attornies are on this board, a Surely game of Among Us would probably be pretty entertaining, especially if booze is involved.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Prepuce of Doom

Prepuce of Doom 21053

Posted
Posted

A commercial for Beneful dog food featuring some little dog with a "wheelchair" prosthetic for his rear legs was just on. Doomlet declared that a dog with wheels counts as a driver and therefore he is driving without a license and should be pulled over and ticketed. 

Earlier today he asked whether the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus were rivals. 

  • Haha 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Trey3216

Trey3216 15344

Posted
Posted
On 6/15/2022 at 5:03 PM, Prepuce of Doom said:

It's short for "suspicious." 

And if used in the past tense, sussed, it means you have someone figured out.  For instance, in the song "We're Not Gonna Take It" by The Who...

"Hey you gettin' drunk, so sorry, I got you sussed."  

Link to comment
Share on other sites
  • Popular Post
Prepuce of Doom

Prepuce of Doom 21053

Posted
  • Popular Post
Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Chad Fuck said:

Among Us and “suss” seeing a lot of action in the F casa.

The Fortnite chatter is also highly entertaining. I need to record some of that for a wider audience.

Don’t shame your forefathers by denying your heritage this way - it's the Fuck household. 

For those of you lucky enough to not know any better, this is generally what a dead body looks like in Among Us. It's the lower half of a character with a bone sticking out. 

 

133244216_Yellow27s_dead_body.png.aaea8b2d8c1b76ef052c28f0fb1130a9.png

 

Doomlet has been hiding this "dead body" around the house for the past few days. 

20220621_143030.jpg

Edited by Prepuce of Doom
  • Hook 'Em 1
  • Like 2
  • Haha 12
Link to comment
Share on other sites
CooterBrown

CooterBrown 18003

Posted
Posted

My 9YO is FaceTiming with her best friend. We are currently in London and we were also in Paris. A few things I overheard made me chuckle.

“I gotta tell you, the fish and chips are no joke!”

“Everybody in Paris smokes. I guess that’s why there’s no old people there.”

“Everybody in Paris smells like a sweaty skunk. I almost vomited on the metro. Twice.”

  • Hook 'Em 1
  • Like 2
  • Fuck Around and Find Out 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Prepuce of Doom

Prepuce of Doom 21053

Posted
Posted
4 hours ago, CooterBrown said:

My 9YO is FaceTiming with her best friend. We are currently in London and we were also in Paris. A few things I overheard made me chuckle.

“I gotta tell you, the fish and chips are no joke!”

“Everybody in Paris smokes. I guess that’s why there’s no old people there.”

“Everybody in Paris smells like a sweaty skunk. I almost vomited on the metro. Twice.”

I hope you're making lots of "wee wee, poo poo" jokes. 

  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
  • Popular Post
Prepuce of Doom

Prepuce of Doom 21053

Posted
  • Popular Post
Posted

Our family likes to watch Jeopardy! during meals. One of last week's episodes was entirely preempted by coverage of the January 6 hearings, so when I pulled it up on the DVR and discovered as much, Doomlet said in disgust, "aw, man, this one is all presidented up." 

~~~~~

Doomlet is a big fan of Al Bundy's Napoleon Hand (and then some...) and can hardly keep his hands off of his dingdong. We've got to the point where we just yell "hands" at him whenever we discover him "peening."

The other day, Mrs. Doom caught him in flagrente delicto and busted him out, to which he quickly and defensively replied, "what, Mom? I'm just touchin', not clutchin'!" 

  • Hook 'Em 1
  • Like 4
  • Haha 7
Link to comment
Share on other sites
  • Popular Post
Brisketexan

Brisketexan 105065

Posted
  • Popular Post
Posted
Our family likes to watch Jeopardy! during meals. One of last week's episodes was entirely preempted by coverage of the January 6 hearings, so when I pulled it up on the DVR and discovered as much, Doomlet said in disgust, "aw, man, this one is all presidented up." 
~~~~~
Doomlet is a big fan of Al Bundy's Napoleon Hand (and then some...) and can hardly keep his hands off of his dingdong. We've got to the point where we just yell "hands" at him whenever we discover him "peening."
The other day, Mrs. Doom caught him in flagrente delicto and busted him out, to which he quickly and defensively replied, "what, Mom? I'm just touchin', not clutchin'!" 

If “just touchin’, not clutchin’” doesn’t end up as the Surly banner, I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.
  • Hook 'Em 8
  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites
ztejas

ztejas 43411

Posted
Posted
6 minutes ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Doomlet is a big fan of Al Bundy's Napoleon Hand (and then some...) and can hardly keep his hands off of his dingdong.

Let he who can keep his hands off his digdong cast the first stone. 

  • Hook 'Em 2
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites
High Plains Drifter

High Plains Drifter 11028

Posted
Posted

 

 

 

On 6/23/2022 at 11:49 AM, CooterBrown said:

My 9YO is FaceTiming with her best friend. We are currently in London and we were also in Paris. A few things I overheard made me chuckle.

“I gotta tell you, the fish and chips are no joke!”

“Everybody in Paris smokes. I guess that’s why there’s no old people there.”

“Everybody in Paris smells like a sweaty skunk. I almost vomited on the metro. Twice.”

 

 

she's not wrong on all three counts.

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites
JSB

JSB 677

Posted
Posted

My 7 year old is going to vacation bible school this week, and came home last night demanding 10% of my salary so she can give it to the church. The church is now training their muscle at a very young age, luckily though I can still convince her I still only make $10 a week. I give to my church, but I'm not sending more than a dollar with a 7 year old that losses shit on a daily basis.

  • Hook 'Em 2
  • Haha 7
Link to comment
Share on other sites
EE2B

EE2B 1565

Posted
Posted
20 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Our family likes to watch Jeopardy! during meals. One of last week's episodes was entirely preempted by coverage of the January 6 hearings, so when I pulled it up on the DVR and discovered as much, Doomlet said in disgust, "aw, man, this one is all presidented up." 

~~~~~

Doomlet is a big fan of Al Bundy's Napoleon Hand (and then some...) and can hardly keep his hands off of his dingdong. We've got to the point where we just yell "hands" at him whenever we discover him "peening."

The other day, Mrs. Doom caught him in flagrente delicto and busted him out, to which he quickly and defensively replied, "what, Mom? I'm just touchin', not clutchin'!" 

My 5 year old has taken swim lessons a couple of times this summer. The first time she took there was a kid in there that could not leave his junk alone when he was out of the pool. At one point the teacher had them all out of the pool and they are getting back in one by one to swim to the other end of the pool. This little boy was at the end of the line. He played with hisself the entire time. It was easy to find the parents because the dad was laughing his ass off and the mom was pissed. 

  • Like 1
  • Haha 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
 Share
Go to topic listing


Football ... Basketball ... Baseball ... Other Sports ... Futbol ... 🤫995🤫 ... Gambling ... Movies & TV ... Music ... Hobbies ... Lulz ... Food & Travel ... Daily Texan ... Business and Markets ... Cloak Room ... Help ... For Sale ... Board Discussion ... Subscribe!... Donate!... Advertise... COOKIE MONSTER!

×
×
  • Create New...