Shit My Kid Says

[Prepuce of Doom 20,906]

7 minutes ago, Scheiss Meister said:

Likes to live dangerously, does he?  My mom would have beaten me to death with one of my own arms if I'd said that to her.

We've got bigger behavioral fish to fry and have already lost the vulgarity war anyway. 

Edited May 6, 2022 by Prepuce of Doom

[Dnaguy 11,598]

On 4/3/2022 at 4:52 PM, Brisketexan said:

Like I said, he’s a man of destiny.

[mininghorn88 2,243]

3 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

We've got bigger behavioral fish to fry and have already lost the vulgarity war anyway. 

I think I was in college before I ever said a curse word in front of my parents. They were/are rather strict.

[Prepuce of Doom 20,906]

31 minutes ago, mininghorn88 said:

I think I was in college before I ever said a curse word in front of my parents. They were/are rather strict.

I can confidently say that I never called my mom a peehole. 

[Prepuce of Doom 20,906]

"Mom, for your birthday, I'm going to make you a card that says 'fart more often' with a picture of me farting on another person." 

[Prepuce of Doom 20,906]

He's still in his pajamas, and just shuffled into the room with a sweatshirt halfway stuffed down the front of his pants and half of it hanging out in front of him. 

"Check out my brand new fat penis" was the direct quote. 

[Hmbre97 6,264]

Was giving my 6 yr old a bath and noticed he kept messing with his junk to the point of getting it standing at attention. I see him side-eying me and giggling but I ignore it. He gets out of the bath and starts waving it around. Again, I ignore it. We get into his room and start drying off. By now, it's back to normal but he just couldn't help himself as I'm about to help him get his underwear on. He grabs it and says " Dada, look how big my penis is! It's huge! :looks down: oh, it's small again"

[UTPhil2006 3,773]

Did Doomlet get sent to Summer camp or something?  I find it hard to believe our future leader hasn't said something funny in the last 3 weeks

[BigDHornfan 6,512]

So the boy has started texting from his ipad:

Got this gem the other night,

LilDHornfan-  Knock knock
Me - Who's there?
LD- Hello
Me- Hello who?
LD-  Hello motherfucker.

He gets his ipad back in a month.   but that doesn't mean I didn't laugh my ass off.

[Prepuce of Doom 20,906]

5 hours ago, UTPhil2006 said:

Did Doomlet get sent to Summer camp or something?  I find it hard to believe our future leader hasn't said something funny in the last 3 weeks

Despite taking swim lessons for 2.5 years, he's unable to swim. The instructors at Goldfish allowed him to just hang out at the edge of the pool and chat with them if he felt like it, and he always felt like it, so he never actually learned how to swim. So he's ineligible for most summer camps. 

He had a birthday recently and received a Nintendo Switch, so almost everything he's had to say for the past few weeks has been related to the game Among Us. When he's not playing it, he's drawing characters from it or from Friday Night Funkin, his other current video game obsession. And none of that shit is very funny, just exhausting...

Edited June 15, 2022 by Prepuce of Doom

[Post Oak 20,114]

My 6year old told me yesterday, "dad you're sus"

I told him he better run

[SHOOTER12 8,769]

1 hour ago, Post Oak said:

My 6year old told me yesterday, "dad you're sus"

I told him he better run

OK...I'm old, what does this even mean?

[JesusSweatDuck 17,779]

8 minutes ago, SHOOTER12 said:

OK...I'm old, what does this even mean?

It's from the game Among Us.  

[Prepuce of Doom 20,906]

It's short for "suspicious." 

[SHOOTER12 8,769]

25 minutes ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

It's short for "suspicious." 

Thank you good sir...

Yep, definitely old. Never heard of Among Us, haven't played a video game since Miss Pacman back in the day...

Edited June 15, 2022 by SHOOTER12

[Pig Bellmont 8,637]

The other week I was driving my 4 y.o. daughter from daycare to pick up the 6 y.o. from kindergarten. I always try to have a little conversation: what did you have for lunch, who did you play with, stuff like that. 
 

Me:“So, sweetheart, did you have fun today? Who did you play with?”

Kid: (uninterested in talking) “Just drive the car, OK Daddy?”

 

If this is 4- I can only imagine the attitude when she’s a teenager 

[Post Oak 20,114]

1 hour ago, JesusSweatDuck said:

It's from the game Among Us.  

I didn't even know this.  My mind immediately went to...

 

[mininghorn88 2,243]

2 hours ago, SHOOTER12 said:

OK...I'm old, what does this even mean?

Glad you asked. I thought it was an incomplete post!

[thunderlounge 7,642]

2 hours ago, SHOOTER12 said:

Thank you good sir...

Yep, definitely old. Never heard of Among Us, haven't played a video game since Miss Pacman back in the day...

shit. I have a switch and haven’t heard of it. 🤣

[Armybrat 40,559]

5 hours ago, Post Oak said:

My 6year old told me yesterday, "dad you're sus"

I told him he better run

Were you wearing grey slacks?

[harpercollins 394]

[Grade of D as in David 13,253]

I dawned on me today that when HarperCollins multiposts, he doesn't really mean to multipost. What he wants is to share his excitement of a sick meme. What he wants is to bond with the board. What he wants is quality time together. Still, it's a hard no.

[ztejas 42,817]

Harper is a chica I believe.

[BearMace 2,180]

14 minutes ago, ztejas said:

Harper is a chica I believe.

He, she, whatever, Harper Collins published the shit out of that meme.

[Hmbre97 6,264]

10 hours ago, Post Oak said:

My 6year old told me yesterday, "dad you're sus"

I told him he better run

Just be glad he's saying it innocently. My 11 yr old is always trying to catch me slipping. Got called sus for eating a hot dog aka a glizzy. 

[Longboard Horn 39,896]

12 hours ago, SHOOTER12 said:

Thank you good sir...

Yep, definitely old. Never heard of Among Us, haven't played a video game since Miss Pacman back in the day...

This is Among Us. One of my brothers, who is a grown man, plays it. I've watched him play it some, but don't fully understand it. Also with my schedule I don't have time to learn that bullshit nor do I have any intention to learn it. 

[harpercollins 394]

I dawned on me today that when HarperCollins multiposts, he doesn't really mean to multipost. What he wants is to share his excitement of a sick meme. What he wants is to bond with the board. What he wants is quality time together. Still, it's a hard no.

Legit LOL.

Sorry for the multi post. Tapa cray

[Hmbre97 6,264]

8 hours ago, Longboard Horn said:

This is Among Us. One of my brothers, who is a grown man, plays it. I've watched him play it some, but don't fully understand it. Also with my schedule I don't have time to learn that bullshit nor do I have any intention to learn it. 

 

Among Us is only entertaining if played with close friends. It's just a video game version of a traditional social deduction game.

Most games have 10 or so players. You're on a space ship and have to do tasks to get the ship ready to launch (the tasks are stupid simple point and click mini games). The catch is 1 or 2 people are 'imposters' which don't do tasks but instead kill the other players. Once a dead body is seen and reported, everyone is pulled into a meeting and people have to make their case who the imposters are or to defend yourself if you're being accused. At the end of the meeting, everyone has a vote to boot someone off the ship who they think is the imposter. If the imposters are booted or they finish the tasks, the players win. If the imposters can kill everyone before the tasks are completed, the imposters win.

TLDR; it's not a video game that you have to learn to play as all the interactions are simple point and click mini games; The strategy is either bullshitting people or being convincing in your arguments.

 

As many attornies are on this board, a Surely game of Among Us would probably be pretty entertaining, especially if booze is involved.

[thunderlounge 7,642]

Sooooooo. Clue on a spaceship. Check. 

[Prepuce of Doom 20,906]

A commercial for Beneful dog food featuring some little dog with a "wheelchair" prosthetic for his rear legs was just on. Doomlet declared that a dog with wheels counts as a driver and therefore he is driving without a license and should be pulled over and ticketed. 

Earlier today he asked whether the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus were rivals. 

[Prepuce of Doom 20,906]

My Among Us-themed supplemental Father's Day card. 

 

[Trey3216 15,308]

On 6/15/2022 at 5:03 PM, Prepuce of Doom said:

It's short for "suspicious." 

And if used in the past tense, sussed, it means you have someone figured out.  For instance, in the song "We're Not Gonna Take It" by The Who...

"Hey you gettin' drunk, so sorry, I got you sussed."  

[Chad Fuck 17,309]

Among Us and “suss” seeing a lot of action in the F casa.

The Fortnite chatter is also highly entertaining. I need to record some of that for a wider audience.

[Prepuce of Doom 20,906]

1 hour ago, Chad Fuck said:

Among Us and “suss” seeing a lot of action in the F casa.

The Fortnite chatter is also highly entertaining. I need to record some of that for a wider audience.

Don’t shame your forefathers by denying your heritage this way - it's the Fuck household. 

For those of you lucky enough to not know any better, this is generally what a dead body looks like in Among Us. It's the lower half of a character with a bone sticking out. 

 

 

Doomlet has been hiding this "dead body" around the house for the past few days. 

Edited June 21, 2022 by Prepuce of Doom

[Longboard Horn 39,896]

Doomlet is creative, I'll give him that. 

[CooterBrown 17,760]

My 9YO is FaceTiming with her best friend. We are currently in London and we were also in Paris. A few things I overheard made me chuckle.

“I gotta tell you, the fish and chips are no joke!”

“Everybody in Paris smokes. I guess that’s why there’s no old people there.”

“Everybody in Paris smells like a sweaty skunk. I almost vomited on the metro. Twice.”

[Prepuce of Doom 20,906]

4 hours ago, CooterBrown said:

My 9YO is FaceTiming with her best friend. We are currently in London and we were also in Paris. A few things I overheard made me chuckle.

“I gotta tell you, the fish and chips are no joke!”

“Everybody in Paris smokes. I guess that’s why there’s no old people there.”

“Everybody in Paris smells like a sweaty skunk. I almost vomited on the metro. Twice.”

I hope you're making lots of "wee wee, poo poo" jokes. 

[Prepuce of Doom 20,906]

Our family likes to watch Jeopardy! during meals. One of last week's episodes was entirely preempted by coverage of the January 6 hearings, so when I pulled it up on the DVR and discovered as much, Doomlet said in disgust, "aw, man, this one is all presidented up." 

~~~~~

Doomlet is a big fan of Al Bundy's Napoleon Hand (and then some...) and can hardly keep his hands off of his dingdong. We've got to the point where we just yell "hands" at him whenever we discover him "peening."

The other day, Mrs. Doom caught him in flagrente delicto and busted him out, to which he quickly and defensively replied, "what, Mom? I'm just touchin', not clutchin'!" 

[Brisketexan 103,650]

Our family likes to watch Jeopardy! during meals. One of last week's episodes was entirely preempted by coverage of the January 6 hearings, so when I pulled it up on the DVR and discovered as much, Doomlet said in disgust, "aw, man, this one is all presidented up." 
~~~~~
Doomlet is a big fan of Al Bundy's Napoleon Hand (and then some...) and can hardly keep his hands off of his dingdong. We've got to the point where we just yell "hands" at him whenever we discover him "peening."
The other day, Mrs. Doom caught him in flagrente delicto and busted him out, to which he quickly and defensively replied, "what, Mom? I'm just touchin', not clutchin'!" 

If “just touchin’, not clutchin’” doesn’t end up as the Surly banner, I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.

[ztejas 42,817]

6 minutes ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Doomlet is a big fan of Al Bundy's Napoleon Hand (and then some...) and can hardly keep his hands off of his dingdong.

Let he who can keep his hands off his digdong cast the first stone. 

[High Plains Drifter 10,937]

 

 

 

On 6/23/2022 at 11:49 AM, CooterBrown said:

My 9YO is FaceTiming with her best friend. We are currently in London and we were also in Paris. A few things I overheard made me chuckle.

“I gotta tell you, the fish and chips are no joke!”

“Everybody in Paris smokes. I guess that’s why there’s no old people there.”

“Everybody in Paris smells like a sweaty skunk. I almost vomited on the metro. Twice.”

 

 

she's not wrong on all three counts.

 

 

[BigDHornfan 6,512]

The boy is walking around the house the last couple of days singing
"I put my balls on your jaws."

I am leaving when he hits puberty.   He's almost 10

[JSB 677]

My 7 year old is going to vacation bible school this week, and came home last night demanding 10% of my salary so she can give it to the church. The church is now training their muscle at a very young age, luckily though I can still convince her I still only make $10 a week. I give to my church, but I'm not sending more than a dollar with a 7 year old that losses shit on a daily basis.

[Prepuce of Doom 20,906]

I don't know the context, but Mrs. Doom just texted me that "he just referred to an udder as 'the nuts of a cow.'" 

[RamjetFDO 10,547]

3 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

I don't know the context, but Mrs. Doom just texted me that "he just referred to an udder as 'the nuts of a cow.'" 

At dinner tonight, Doomlet gets a glass of "cow nut juice".

[SHOOTER12 8,769]

23 minutes ago, RamjetFDO said:

At dinner tonight, Doomlet gets a glass of "cow nut juice".

Ramjet for the win.

[EE2B 1,561]

20 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Our family likes to watch Jeopardy! during meals. One of last week's episodes was entirely preempted by coverage of the January 6 hearings, so when I pulled it up on the DVR and discovered as much, Doomlet said in disgust, "aw, man, this one is all presidented up." 

~~~~~

Doomlet is a big fan of Al Bundy's Napoleon Hand (and then some...) and can hardly keep his hands off of his dingdong. We've got to the point where we just yell "hands" at him whenever we discover him "peening."

The other day, Mrs. Doom caught him in flagrente delicto and busted him out, to which he quickly and defensively replied, "what, Mom? I'm just touchin', not clutchin'!" 

My 5 year old has taken swim lessons a couple of times this summer. The first time she took there was a kid in there that could not leave his junk alone when he was out of the pool. At one point the teacher had them all out of the pool and they are getting back in one by one to swim to the other end of the pool. This little boy was at the end of the line. He played with hisself the entire time. It was easy to find the parents because the dad was laughing his ass off and the mom was pissed. 

[Prepuce of Doom 20,906]

4 hours ago, RamjetFDO said:

At dinner tonight, Doomlet gets a glass of "cow nut juice".

This would yield an undesirable outcome. 

[SilasCoade 2,620]

36 minutes ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

This would yield an undesirable outcome. 

what, he's lactose intolerant?

[Prepuce of Doom 20,906]

4 minutes ago, Llogg said:

what, he's lactose intolerant?

We would either hear it forever, or it would be a non-starter.....up until he decides to pull it out of the vault when asking a friend's mom or the lunch lady or a waitress for something to drink.