Shit My Kid Says

[thunderlounge 7,642]

47 minutes ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

This would yield an undesirable outcome. 

Undesirable for you, not for us. 

[Prepuce of Doom 20,906]

52 minutes ago, thunderlounge said:

Undesirable for you, not for us. 

Fair, but I don't need to take sand to the beach here - he's spontaneously crude enough without further encouragement. 

Edited June 29, 2022 by Prepuce of Doom

[RamjetFDO 10,547]

10 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

We would either hear it forever, or it would be a non-starter.....up until he decides to pull it out of the vault when asking a friend's mom or the lunch lady or a waitress for something to drink. 

From our perspective ... we're waiting to hear why this is a bad thing.

[Prepuce of Doom 20,906]

Well, for a limited time, you can fire up Among Us and chat with "FartyPoopPants" until he changes his display name to some other amalgamation of the scatological. 

[Trey3216 15,308]

Since it’s summertime and the wife is at home all day, the girls aren’t in daycare.  Every morning when I get ready for work, my oldest (21 months old) preempts my leaving with a really long drawn out “Byyyyye Dadddddy” as soon as I touch my keys.   

[Dutchrudder 11,071]

My 3 year old has a theme for naming shops:

HEB = The Food Store

Donut and Kolache shop = The Donut Store

McDonalds = The Chicken Nugget Store

Any Pizza place = The Pizza Store

CVS = The ABC's Store  

Target = Target

Target is the only store he's learned the name of so far, and I can't believe it didn't get the name "the toy store". I don't think he even knows what McDonalds is, but we do reinforce the names a bit, because we get a kick out of how he names them. We will correct it in the future, but for now it's a cute pattern. 

[UTPhil2006 3,773]

He's got upper management written all over him

[CooterBrown 17,760]

Wait until y’all drive by the Yellow Rose and he shouts out Daddy’s Whore Store.

[CooterBrown 17,760]

My 15YO made me proud today.

15YO: “I’m babysitting for a new family next week. They have 2 kids and I’ll get $25/hour.”

Me: “Wow. Don’t you usually charge $15 for two kids?”

15YO: “They’re young and can afford a house in our neighborhood so I knew they could afford it.”

[SHOOTER12 8,769]

Oh hell yeah, way to use that Ole noggin.

Kid's got a great future!

[Modessit 5,582]

My 3 year old has a theme for naming shops:
HEB = The Food Store
Donut and Kolache shop = The Donut Store
McDonalds = The Chicken Nugget Store
Any Pizza place = The Pizza Store
CVS = The ABC's Store  
Target = Target
Target is the only store he's learned the name of so far, and I can't believe it didn't get the name "the toy store". I don't think he even knows what McDonalds is, but we do reinforce the names a bit, because we get a kick out of how he names them. We will correct it in the future, but for now it's a cute pattern. 

When my now 8yo was 2 or 3, he always talked about "the question mark store". We had no idea what he was talking about until one day he said it while pointing out the window. Turns out it was Walmart. No idea why that name.

[Trey3216 15,308]

29 minutes ago, Modessit said:

On 7/1/2022 at 10:41 PM, Dutchrudder said:

My 3 year old has a theme for naming shops:
HEB = The Food Store
Donut and Kolache shop = The Donut Store
McDonalds = The Chicken Nugget Store
Any Pizza place = The Pizza Store
CVS = The ABC's Store  
Target = Target
Target is the only store he's learned the name of so far, and I can't believe it didn't get the name "the toy store". I don't think he even knows what McDonalds is, but we do reinforce the names a bit, because we get a kick out of how he names them. We will correct it in the future, but for now it's a cute pattern. 

When my now 8yo was 2 or 3, he always talked about "the question mark store". We had no idea what he was talking about until one day he said it while pointing out the window. Turns out it was Walmart. No idea why that name.

Questionable patrons= Question Mark Store

[Post Oak 20,114]

On 7/4/2022 at 3:30 PM, CooterBrown said:

My 15YO made me proud today.

15YO: “I’m babysitting for a new family next week. They have 2 kids and I’ll get $25/hour.”

Me: “Wow. Don’t you usually charge $15 for two kids?”

15YO: “They’re young and can afford a house in our neighborhood so I knew they could afford it.”

Humblebrag

[Prepuce of Doom 20,906]

He was angry at his mother for some dumb reason or another this afternoon, and he thought that he needed to play a prank to get her back. 

His bright idea was to take his collection of cicada skins and dump them into the mailbox. 

I pointed out that this was actually more of a prank on the mailman, and that depending on how much mail we received tomorrow, then they might all end up being crushed into dust and then it would just become a mess that he would have to clean up. 

So he dumped them all back into his tin, and Mrs. Doom remains unpranked and blissfully ignorant of what nearly transpired. 

Edited July 13, 2022 by Prepuce of Doom

[Modessit 5,582]

"Hey Dad, did you know the song The Final Countdown was recorded in Europe?"

[Prepuce of Doom 20,906]

"Girls give a better reaction when you show them big boogers than boys."

[Prepuce of Doom 20,906]

I discovered him Googling "poop in the toilet" and snickering to himself this morning. 

I'll spare you all, but there's a Wikipedia page (or at least a file photo) for this particular query. 

[Longhornfan1024 1,707]

1 hour ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

I discovered him Googling "poop in the toilet" and snickering to himself this morning. 

I'll spare you all, but there's a Wikipedia page (or at least a file photo) for this particular query. 

Seems like he belongs on the old website.  

[ImissWallyPryor 9,044]

My wife and I took our 2-1/2 year old granddaughter out for a “date” to McDonald’s. We were about the only people dining in, and in walks a 70-something year old man wearing overalls (this was in Iowa). Our granddaughter starts singing Old McDonald Had A Farm at the top of her lungs. My back was to the old guy, and I couldn’t understand why my wife was choking on her food.

[Elvis 3,348]

Me: anything

12.5yo: this is bull shit

me: alright the internet is off for a month

kid: that’s total  bull shit!

me: ok a year no phone

kid: ok I’ll clean the pool

me: giterdun before football practice at seventeen fucking AM.!!!

[BigDHornfan 6,512]

the boy, who turns 10 next week, walking around the house grabbing his wiener.

Me:  Why do you keep grabbing your junk?

LilD:  Cuz it feels good.

the wife:  fuck y'all,  I'm out.

[Jerry Callo 8,631]

On 8/2/2022 at 10:37 AM, Prepuce of Doom said:

I discovered him Googling "poop in the toilet" and snickering to himself this morning. 

I'll spare you all, but there's a Wikipedia page (or at least a file photo) for this particular query. 

You should let him listen the this Stuff You Should Know podcast.

[Mole 4,311]

We had lunch today at a little mom and pop place in our little town. The door to the back dining room was closed with a sign saying, “Closed, reserved for larger parties.”
 

The lunch rush filled the front dining room up, so the server opened the door to the back to let more people sit. My kid asks, “why is she letting people back there? Because they’re bigger people?”

[TKthunder2 4,959]

5yo said to my 2yo who is going through potty training

“If God wanted you to watch your poops come out your butt he would have put your eyes down there”

[tbone_ 13,991]

Well that’s correct

[blacklab 11,826]

11yo shows me pyramid shaped thing he got on a trip:

"It's like the holocaust from star wars"

me "not sure there was a holocaust in star wars"

11yo "holocron?"

me "yes, holocron" 

[Grade of D as in David 13,253]

What about episode 1?

[High Plains Drifter 10,937]

 

As we were flying back from Santa Monica, my 11 yr old made the observation "Santa Monica has more homeless people, but less fat people."

 

 

[ztejas 42,818]

1 hour ago, blacklab said:

11yo shows me pyramid shaped thing he got on a trip:

"It's like the holocaust from star wars"

me "not sure there was a holocaust in star wars"

11yo "holocron?"

me "yes, holocron" 

It was kind of like the Holocaust when they killed all the Jedi. 

[Prepuce of Doom 20,906]

Doomlet is very much interested in purchasing a "realistic decoy poop" to leave on his friend's doorstep after he rings the bell and runs away. 

I think I'm going to have to be a good father and make the purchase for him. 

[thunderlounge 7,642]

Might as well seal the deal with fart in a can too. 

[Jerry Callo 8,631]

51 minutes ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Doomlet is very much interested in purchasing a "realistic decoy poop" to leave on his friend's doorstep after he rings the bell and runs away. 

I think I'm going to have to be a good father and make the purchase for him. 

Why pay for a decoy?

[Armybrat 40,559]

1 hour ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Doomlet is very much interested in purchasing a "realistic decoy poop" to leave on his friend's doorstep after he rings the bell and runs away. 

I think I'm going to have to be a good father and make the purchase for him. 

About 40 years ago I confiscated a fake dog turd that a student surreptitiously placed on the classroom floor behind my back while I was writing something on the chalkboard.  Of course there was a round of laughing when I turned around and spotted it… deadpan.
It was about 3” or 4” long, made out of a ferrous material, and was very realistic. Took it home to prank Mrs. Brat, who did not appreciate the humor. One of my sons mentioned not long ago that he still had it somewhere. He used it to prank people now & then all the way through college.

Edited August 9, 2022 by Armybrat

[thunderlounge 7,642]

They had chalkboards back then? Wow. Who’da thunk?

[BearMace 2,180]

5 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Doomlet is very much interested in purchasing a "realistic decoy poop" to leave on his friend's doorstep after he rings the bell and runs away. 

I think I'm going to have to be a good father and make the purchase for him. 

Do you have a good vegan peperoni recipe?

 

[OrangEngr 1,034]

7 hours ago, thunderlounge said:

They had chalkboards back then? Wow. Who’da thunk?

He misspelled cuneiform tablets

[Prepuce of Doom 20,906]

On 8/9/2022 at 2:19 PM, Prepuce of Doom said:

Doomlet is very much interested in purchasing a "realistic decoy poop" to leave on his friend's doorstep after he rings the bell and runs away. 

I think I'm going to have to be a good father and make the purchase for him. 

Would you all believe that we're going to have to wait another day - perhaps even two - for the Deluxe Eight Piece Fake Poop Collection to arrive from Amazon Prime? 

 

[ztejas 42,818]

On 8/9/2022 at 3:43 PM, thunderlounge said:

They had chalkboards back then? Wow. Who’da thunk?

Well... the "board" was a large, flat rock and the "chalk" was... well, another rock. 

[JSB 677]

18 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Would you all believe that we're going to have to wait another day - perhaps even two - for the Deluxe Eight Piece Fake Poop Collection to arrive from Amazon Prime? 

 

Is today the day??

[UTPhil2006 3,773]

No doomlet school stories?

[gyroprotagonist 2,591]

On 8/7/2022 at 9:03 PM, blacklab said:

11yo shows me pyramid shaped thing he got on a trip:

"It's like the holocaust from star wars"

me "not sure there was a holocaust in star wars"

11yo "holocron?"

me "yes, holocron" 

well, many Bothans did die to bring the DS plans to the rebillion

[Prepuce of Doom 20,906]

9 hours ago, UTPhil2006 said:

No doomlet school stories?

School starts tomorrow. 

Yesterday he asked Mrs. Doom, "Which do you like better - cheese or Internet memes?" 

[UTPhil2006 3,773]

8 minutes ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

School starts tomorrow. 

Yesterday he asked Mrs. Doom, "Which do you like better - cheese or Internet memes?" 

That’s a toughie 

[Pig Bellmont 8,637]

My 6 year old kid’s school was having a get together at the school playground with ice pops. When driving over she said “I can’t wait for popsicles- I’m going to eat 1,000 then throw up!”

Edited August 26, 2022 by Pig Bellmont

[Prepuce of Doom 20,906]

Rather than "like taking candy from a baby," Doomlet used the expression, "it's so easy, it's like scaring a baby" yesterday. I asked him how easy it was to scare a baby, and he explained, "all you have to do is say, 'look out, there's a shark!' and then they'll be scared because they don't know anything." 

~~~~~

We asked him how school was yesterday, and in describing what he did at recess, he told us that he "played the Chicken Shack game with Maeve." We asked him to tell us more about that, and he explained that he pretends to be the chicken shack owner, and he chases Maeve (who pretends to be the chicken) around the playground with his axe, and when he catches her, he chops her up into chicken nuggets.

Mrs. Doom and I were mildly concerned that perhaps Maeve might not want to be chased and/or chopped into nuggets, but apparently she's the one who came up with this game. 

Edited August 26, 2022 by Prepuce of Doom

[tbone_ 13,991]

There’s gonna be school people that don’t understand your kiddo from time to time.

[nnm 35,669]

5 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Rather than "like taking candy from a baby," Doomlet used the expression, "it's so easy, it's like scaring a baby" yesterday. I asked him how easy it was to scare a baby, and he explained, "all you have to do is say, 'look out, there's a shark!' and then they'll be scared because they don't know anything." 

~~~~~

We asked him how school was yesterday, and in describing what he did at recess, he told us that he "played the Chicken Shack game with Maeve." We asked him to tell us more about that, and he explained that he pretends to be the chicken shack owner, and he chases Maeve (who pretends to be the chicken) around the playground with his axe, and when he catches her, he chops her up into chicken nuggets.

Mrs. Doom and I were mildly concerned that perhaps Maeve might not want to be chased and/or chopped into nuggets, but apparently she's the one who came up with this game. 

My kid playing the chicken shack game may have concerned me. 

 

[High Plains Drifter 10,937]

 

Maeve sounds like a keeper.

 

 

[Prepuce of Doom 20,906]

He just read a book about rabbits, and quizzed Mrs. Doom and me about what their biggest predator is. I guessed coyotes and Mrs. Doom guessed birds of prey. 

He informed us that the correct answer is humans, and "that's why you don't trust hillbillies." 

[Prepuce of Doom 20,906]

This isn't just the doing of the Doomlet, but also his classmates. The other day when Mrs. Doom came home after picking up the boy at school, she immediately told me that every single second grader coming out of the school doors was talking about the same thing: one of the toilets in the school bathroom is haunted. 

These two illustrations were in his backpack that day. 

It has been speculated that it is the ghost of George Washington (note the tri-corn hat on the left). In case it needs to be said, there is no logical reason (in my estimation, at least) to assume any connection to George Washington. 

I asked him to tell me why he thought the toilet was haunted, and Exhibit #1 is that "a girl saw an invisible hand" (yes, you read that correctly) while using the bathroom. Exhibit #2 is that there was a coat found on the floor of the bathroom with nobody wearing it, and nobody knows whose it is. He asked me if I thought the toilet was haunted, so naturally I agreed that it certainly seemed that way. He was glad to hear that, because apparently all of the other adults don't believe them. 

He and his buddies have taken it upon themselves to investigate this matter and "collect evidence."  This has been an ongoing saga with regular updates. I hope that I've included them all. 

Additional corroborating evidence includes the fact that the lights went off in the bathroom, that a stall door opened while a kid was taking a dump without anyone opening it, a cockroach spotted under the sink (this is suspicious because according to the detectives, cockroaches are only found in Africa [???]), and a tarantula has allegedly been spotted in the girl's bathroom. 

For a few days, he wasn't using the bathroom at all during the day, but we eventually convinced him that this is an unnecessary precaution. 

Nevertheless, the motto for the boys working the case is "don't wash hands, and don't look back."  Not great, obviously, but at least he's using the bathroom at school again. 

Today we caught him Googling "haunted bathrooms in Illinois" and much to our surprise, there is a haunted women's bathroom at the Lincoln Park Zoo, so he's already decreed that Mrs. Doom is not allowed to use that bathroom the next time we go to that zoo. 

This has been going on for more than a week now. I'm doing everything I can to keep stoking the fear and curiosity in order to drag it out for as long as possible, and just to indirectly fuck with the other kids. 

I'll continue to update you all if it continues into a third week...