Shit My Kid Says

[Armybrat 40559]

Now it is clear why the Doomlet does what he does.

[SHOOTER12 8769]

On 9/23/2022 at 8:25 PM, Prepuce of Doom said:

This isn't just the doing of the Doomlet, but also his classmates. The other day when Mrs. Doom came home after picking up the boy at school, she immediately told me that every single second grader coming out of the school doors was talking about the same thing: one of the toilets in the school bathroom is haunted. 

These two illustrations were in his backpack that day. 

It has been speculated that it is the ghost of George Washington (note the tri-corn hat on the left). In case it needs to be said, there is no logical reason (in my estimation, at least) to assume any connection to George Washington. 

I asked him to tell me why he thought the toilet was haunted, and Exhibit #1 is that "a girl saw an invisible hand" (yes, you read that correctly) while using the bathroom. Exhibit #2 is that there was a coat found on the floor of the bathroom with nobody wearing it, and nobody knows whose it is. He asked me if I thought the toilet was haunted, so naturally I agreed that it certainly seemed that way. He was glad to hear that, because apparently all of the other adults don't believe them. 

He and his buddies have taken it upon themselves to investigate this matter and "collect evidence."  This has been an ongoing saga with regular updates. I hope that I've included them all. 

Additional corroborating evidence includes the fact that the lights went off in the bathroom, that a stall door opened while a kid was taking a dump without anyone opening it, a cockroach spotted under the sink (this is suspicious because according to the detectives, cockroaches are only found in Africa [???]), and a tarantula has allegedly been spotted in the girl's bathroom. 

For a few days, he wasn't using the bathroom at all during the day, but we eventually convinced him that this is an unnecessary precaution. 

Nevertheless, the motto for the boys working the case is "don't wash hands, and don't look back."  Not great, obviously, but at least he's using the bathroom at school again. 

Today we caught him Googling "haunted bathrooms in Illinois" and much to our surprise, there is a haunted women's bathroom at the Lincoln Park Zoo, so he's already decreed that Mrs. Doom is not allowed to use that bathroom the next time we go to that zoo. 

This has been going on for more than a week now. I'm doing everything I can to keep stoking the fear and curiosity in order to drag it out for as long as possible, and just to indirectly fuck with the other kids. 

I'll continue to update you all if it continues into a third week... 

 

Wait until you find "ghost poop" on your kitchen counter that he brought home after collecting evidence at school.

[Scheiss Meister 8321]

2 hours ago, SHOOTER12 said:

Wait until you find "ghost poop" on your kitchen counter that he brought home after collecting evidence at school.

@Prepuce of Doom  In the Marine Corps there are no "dust bunnies"; they are "ghost turds".  Do with this what you will.

[Longboard Horn 39896]

@Prepuce of Doom is doomlet making t-shirts and designs now? Saw this and automatically thought of him. 

[Wally Fairway 5494]

not my kid, but my 2.5 year old grandson called his dad a butt asshole yesterday
it was all I could do not to laugh and give the kid a high five
kids are great at repeating those words that they hear at home

[Prepuce of Doom 20906]

5 hours ago, Longboard Horn said:

@Prepuce of Doom is doomlet making t-shirts and designs now? Saw this and automatically thought of him. 

Do they come in a 5T?

[Grade of D as in David 13253]

Best I could find in 5t

[Hmbre97 6264]

I bought my boys new loofahs for the shower over the weekend and all they had in non-girly colors were dark blue and black. I'm helping the 6 year old with his shower tonight and he takes the black loofah, tucks it between his legs Buffalo Bob style and says "Look, I'm mommy!"

[BigDHornfan 6512]

Who's Buffalo Bob?

 

[ABSR 5275]

1 hour ago, BigDHornfan said:

Who's Buffalo Bob?

 

He skins his humps and tucks his junk.

[BigDHornfan 6512]

4 minutes ago, ABSR said:

He skins his humps and tucks his junk.

That's Buffalo Bill

[Wiler77 1542]

My 5 year old had a "Kindergarten Fashion Show" today.  All the kids get assigned a letter (his was K), and they had to come dressed up as something associated with that letter.  We helped him make a vest out of a paper bag, and then he came up with words associated with that letter.  Some stuff we had around the house, and other stuff we had to find online to print pictures to cut out, but we let him do all the cutting and gluing.  We really wanted this to be his project.

So we park him at the table with scissors and glue, and we tell him we'll check on him in a bit.

20 minutes later we come over to check, and he's made letters on the vest using glue and some glitter he found.

Big letters on the back of the vest read "K K K"

"Uh, that's really good buddy.  I think we should add 1 more K because you do such a good job."

"OK, yea!"

[Prepuce of Doom 20906]

No meaningful updates to the Haunted Toilet story aside from the discovery of some poop on a toilet seat "that was in 3D!" (???) 

But here's the back of his math homework - drawings and comics of farting Among Us characters. 

 

Edited October 7, 2022 by Prepuce of Doom

[nnm 35669]

 

[NorthLoop 13954]

3yo boy called me a shitbucket today

[Brisketexan 103650]

3yo boy called me a shitbucket today

Well…are you?

[nnm 35669]

17 minutes ago, NorthLoop said:

3yo boy called me a shitbucket today

[pops 6959]

Geezus fucking christ.... my daughter just gave this to me tonight. I'm going to be a fucking grandpa. Holy shit. 

[tbone_ 13991]

Username fits

[SHOOTER12 8769]

Mmn

[BigDHornfan 6512]

Sat the boy down this week to talk about his grades.  He's in 4th grade and he's always been an A & B student, until this year when he's going to end up with a D in reading.

I was telling him that he's smart enough to make a's and b's that a D is totally unacceptable.  His response,

"What about Deez nuts?"

I had to leave the room.  lil asshat has the smart ass gene and unleashes it at the most perfect times to diffuse situations.  I am turbo fucked.

 

[General Specific 3155]

Well…are you?

He posts on Surly right?

[Brisketexan 103650]

2 hours ago, BigDHornfan said:

Sat the boy down this week to talk about his grades.  He's in 4th grade and he's always been an A & B student, until this year when he's going to end up with a D in reading.

I was telling him that he's smart enough to make a's and b's that a D is totally unacceptable.  His response,

"What about Deez nuts?"

I had to leave the room.  lil asshat has the smart ass gene and unleashes it at the most perfect times to diffuse situations.  I am turbo fucked.

 

Sounds like presidential candidate Doomlet has a solid choice for a runningmate, that's what it sounds like to me.

[Post Oak 20114]

My 1st grade son and daughter were told to ask their teacher if they liked nuts in their brownies. Their mom is making her some for some reason. Anyway, I said ask her if she's Team Nuts or not. 

Their mom caught me and said maybe that's not the correct way to ask the question. Ask her if she would like pecans in her brownies.

I could see my son pick up on that. He didn't know what Team Nuts meant. Didn't understand that it might be inappropriate to say it like that. But I also so a gleam in that little fuckers eye and I knew he was going to say, Mrs. Smith are you Team Nuts?

Picked them up yesterday for school and my daughter told me he asked her that and he was just giggling away In the back seat. Dad she said she was Team Nuts.

 

[Post Oak 20114]

Yesterday I was trying to get them showered up and ready for bed. I explained to them years ago the importance of pooping before your shower. So poop, shower, get dressed, brush your teeth then we watch an episode of Parks and Rec before bed.

Anyway, I can't find him and he's in the bathroom wiping.  I yell come on buddy, let's hurry.  He says I'm going as fast as I can but it's like wiping a marker. 

I've got awesome kids.

 

[Grade of D as in David 13253]

3 hours ago, Post Oak said:

Yesterday I was trying to get them showered up and ready for bed. I explained to them years ago the importance of pooping before your shower. So poop, shower, get dressed, brush your teeth then we watch an episode of Parks and Rec before bed.

Anyway, I can't find him and he's in the bathroom wiping.  I yell come on buddy, let's hurry.  He says I'm going as fast as I can but it's like wiping a marker. 

I've got awesome kids.

 

Senior year of college I went to Cancun for spring break with a few buddies. There were four of us crammed in a hotel room and at one point we're all getting dressed to go out for the night. One of our friends shit after he showered and when he came out we asked him why he did that. He said I don't like showering with the stench of shit in the air.

We all busted his balls telling him the main reason to shower is to get your ass clean. And by shitting right after you clean your ass you defeat the entire purpose of the shower.

I'm pretty sure he still does that to this day.

[Brisketexan 103650]

4 minutes ago, Grade of D as in David said:

Senior year of college I went to Cancun for spring break with a few buddies. There were four of us crammed in a hotel room and at one point we're all getting dressed to go out for the night. One of our friends shit after he showered and when he came out we asked him why he did that. He said I don't like showering with the stench of shit in the air.

We all busted his balls telling him the main reason to shower is to get your ass clean. And by shitting right after you clean your ass you defeat the entire purpose of the shower.

I'm pretty sure he still does that to this day.

[Post Oak 20114]

5 minutes ago, Grade of D as in David said:

Senior year of college I went to Cancun for spring break with a few buddies. There were four of us crammed in a hotel room and at one point we're all getting dressed to go out for the night. One of our friends shit after he showered and when he came out we asked him why he did that. He said I don't like showering with the stench of shit in the air.

We all busted his balls telling him the main reason to shower is to get your ass clean. And by shitting right after you clean your ass you defeat the entire purpose of the shower.

I'm pretty sure he still does that to this day.

Senior of HS we go on our Senior Trip. It's a 4-day cruise somewhere.  Shared a room with 4 buddies. First one takes a dump and stinks up the place. My buddy told us about the courtesy flush. As soon as splash down, flush. Handles most stench issues. Life changing.

[TKthunder2 4959]

21 hours ago, Post Oak said:

My 1st grade son and daughter were told to ask their teacher if they liked nuts in their brownies. Their mom is making her some for some reason.

This is the kind of shit I’ll never understand about women.

[pops 6959]

On 10/12/2022 at 9:42 PM, pops said:

Geezus fucking christ.... my daughter just gave this to me tonight. I'm going to be a fucking grandpa. Holy shit. 

Well,  that didn't last long. She miscarried today. I'm fucking gutted for her. 

[Scheiss Meister 8321]

Damn, @pops.  I'm sorry to hear that.

[Brisketexan 103650]

Goddamn, Pops. I’m so sorry.
Just love your daughter, and be there as she feels what she must. I really am so sorry.

[Longboard Horn 39896]

Sad news Pops. So sorry to hear that. 

[Jerry Callo 8631]

This is the kind of shit I’ll never understand about women.

It used to drive me nuts when the wife bought Christmas gifts for teachers, doctor's office staff, etc. Over the years, I've come to appreciate the relationships she's developed with these folks.

[nnm 35669]

So sorry Pops. My daughter just got done with professional school and I’m expecting a call any day from her and her husband with baby news. Having lost one of our own when we were young, I know how hard it is for the mom. The joy of expecting and sharing that joy is just crushed with the loss. So, so sorry. Will pray for peace for them. 

[Prepuce of Doom 20906]

Sorry to hear, pops.

You might feel tempted to get rid of the onesey, but an optimist would keep it... 

Edited October 18, 2022 by Prepuce of Doom

[TKthunder2 4959]

51 minutes ago, Jerry Callo said:

On 10/14/2022 at 8:56 AM, TKthunder2 said:

This is the kind of shit I’ll never understand about women.

It used to drive me nuts when the wife bought Christmas gifts for teachers, doctor's office staff, etc. Over the years, I've come to appreciate the relationships she's developed with these folks.

I fine with the gifts, it’s the whole making a mountain out a molehill shit that drives me crazy.

Did she ask if they are vegan, gluten/dairy intolerant?  Just put nuts on the fucking brownies and send them to the teacher or don’t, but asking the kids to ask the teacher if they like nuts and then making them that way adds such an unnecessary level of complexity.

if they don’t like nuts they can pick them off, if they are allergic they can send them back or just accept them and throw them in the teachers lounge and not eat them.

That’s the part I don’t get.

[Modessit 5582]

I fine with the gifts, it’s the whole making a mountain out a molehill shit that drives me crazy.
Did she ask if they are vegan, gluten/dairy intolerant?  Just put nuts on the fucking brownies and send them to the teacher or don’t, but asking the kids to ask the teacher if they like nuts and then making them that way adds such an unnecessary level of complexity.
if they don’t like nuts they can pick them off, if they are allergic they can send them back or just accept them and throw them in the teachers lounge and not eat them.
That’s the part I don’t get.

Or.... now hear me out...

Make them without nuts. If they don't like nuts, they'll be happy. If they do, they won't miss them.

[Atxracer 797]

5 hours ago, Modessit said:

Or.... now hear me out...

Make them without nuts. If they don't like nuts, they'll be happy. If they do, they won't miss them.

That is way too logical for any straight woman to comprehend.  If it were that easy, the divorce rate would be much lower.  Beer, golf, fishing, hunting, etc would be less popular.  We would pretty much be living in rainbow land.  

[BigDHornfan 6512]

So sorry to hear that Pops.  

[CooterBrown 17760]

Took my oldest on a college tour this past weekend. Normally we VRBO when traveling with kids, but since it was just the two of us, we stayed in a hotel. Separate beds, assholes. Around 2AM, she screams out “WHAT THE FUCK?!?!” I’m instantly awake and ask what the hell is wrong. She wakes up and is like what are talking about.

Startled the shit out of me.

[pops 6959]

Thanks for all the thoughts. Best group of assholes on the internet. She came and stayed with us last weekend and I was the first person she told. And she was just so so happy. Now she's back home 600 miles away and I just feel so far away and so....I dont even know.... unable to do anything for her. I fix her problems. That's what I do. And there is nothing I can do for this. Mom is headed down tomorrow but neither of us have talked to her yet other than texts because she just says she isn't ready. 

Blah blah blah. Better and cheaper than therapy. I'll quit thread jacking now. Carry on....

[Longboard Horn 39896]

Perfect Halloween movie for doomlet @Prepuce of Doom

[Prepuce of Doom 20906]

This is what he bought at the book fair:

And the blurb on the right side of this page is what he loudly read to last year's teacher when he encountered her in the hallway:

I'm sure she really misses hearing this shit from him all day long. 

[Prepuce of Doom 20906]

Mrs. Doom saw him standing in his room naked while changing into his pajamas, looking down at his dingdong and saying, "magnificent!" 

[BigDHornfan 6512]

11 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Mrs. Doom saw him standing in his room naked while changing into his pajamas, looking down at his dingdong and saying, "magnificent!" 

You should do the same for her.

[ABSR 5275]

13 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Mrs. Doom saw him standing in his room naked while changing into his pajamas, looking down at his dingdong and saying, "magnificent!" 

Are you trying to tell us he's adopted?

[Prepuce of Doom 20906]

9 hours ago, ABSR said:

Are you trying to tell us he's adopted?

You must be mistaking me for Doomed Prepuce. 

[Armybrat 40559]

On 10/18/2022 at 7:17 AM, CooterBrown said:

Took my oldest on a college tour this past weekend. Normally we VRBO when traveling with kids, but since it was just the two of us, we stayed in a hotel. Separate beds, assholes. Around 2AM, she screams out “WHAT THE FUCK?!?!” I’m instantly awake and ask what the hell is wrong. She wakes up and is like what are talking about.

Startled the shit out of me.

Were you in College Station?

[Armybrat 40559]

On 10/21/2022 at 10:59 PM, Prepuce of Doom said:

 

And the blurb on the right side of this page is what he loudly read to last year's teacher when he encountered her in the hallway:

I'm sure she really misses hearing this shit from him all day long. 

I have been to Kaohsiung, and am not surprised a dish like that is offered.