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Shit My Kid Says

ROFL BOX

By ROFL BOX
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Hmbre97
Hmbre97

2 weeks ago, watching my kid hen peck on his keyboard Me: Son, you really need to practice your typing using the home row. You'll never type fast typing with 2 fingers. Him: I try to type fa

Post Oak
Post Oak

My daughter (1st grade) has been having issues at recess.  She's really tender hearted and takes offense to just about everything.  When she tells me what's wrong to me it just sounds like playground

burns_312
burns_312

I coach college baseball and my 3 year old son has begun to catch on to things that go on at the ball field. He sees me talk to players when things go wrong, etc. Last night I was throwing him passes

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Longboard Horn

Longboard Horn 40289

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On 1/16/2023 at 8:39 AM, Hmbre97 said:

Took my boys (6 and 11) to lunch yesterday. My 6 yr old is really into pretend play right now and is constantly saying "pretend I'm a ________" about everything we do. On the other side, my 11 yr old is slowly losing his innocence after just half a year in middle school.

We're getting ready to leave and my youngest takes one more drag off his root beer, then says "this root beer really tastes like a root beer dum-dum." As we get up and start to walk through this crowded restaurant to leave, he goes "pretend I'm a root beer dum-dum and suck on me". My oldest immediately goes "Ayyyyee yoooo" and starts giggling. As we're walking, he just keep saying "suck me, suck me, suck me, suck on my head" which sends my oldest over the edge. 

What's his surly name?

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ImissWallyPryor

ImissWallyPryor 9046

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My DIL was playing a Q&A game with my almost 3-year old granddaughter last night (we are visiting). The questions were all “what’s your favorite” this or that. About 20 questions into it, she asked what her favorite body part is, and my granddaughter yelled out, “Nipples!”

She always liked singing the “head and shoulders, knees and toes” song, so this was unexpected. 

Edited by ImissWallyPryor
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Saint Austin

Saint Austin 745

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I hadn't contributed in a while, but here's an entry from my first-grade boy:

Son: “Can we go to Chicago this year?”
Me: “I don’t think so, buddy.”
Son: “I want to go to Chicago and flick ’The Bean.’”
Wife: “Excuse me??”
Son: “Millions of people go to Chicago every year to flick ‘The Bean.’”
Wife: “Where did you hear that?!”
Son: “YouTube.”
Wife: “Bennett! Stop saying—“
Son: “FLICK ‘THE BEAN!!’”
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Prepuce of Doom

Prepuce of Doom 21052

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10 hours ago, Grade of D as in David said:

Does he know how to cup and throw them yet? If not, that sounds like a father son activity for this weekend.

We'll figure that out in due time. 

~~~~~

The Creature from Planet Simile earned him some mild consternation from his teacher today. 

121510.thumb.jpeg.52ec81498b28334ad74e598796baf96c.jpeg

Details of note:

A body as fat as my dad's booty

Skin as smelly and brown as my farts

Feet as long as Bol Bol

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GoPokes83

GoPokes83 2240

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Caught my 10.5 year old and her little friends going full Thujone writing dick and balls on each other’s pictures and sending them back and forth. I was fucking apoplectic!!! I tried to remember WTF I was up to at that age, shit’s just different today, rationalization, rationalization….I got nuthin. This is a kid that is just now “liking” some little bastard in her class, but is too shy to actually talk to him! Not to sound like too much like an old asshole, but it’s fucking scary the things kids are exposed to and are now normalized on a daily basis these days.

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SHOOTER12

SHOOTER12 8800

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5 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Doomlet has been poring over NBA books and almanacs lately. 

Post Malone is currently delaying the start of the NBA All Star Game.

When he came on the TV, Doomlet quizzically asked, "That's Moses Malone?!"

 

4 hours ago, Scheiss Meister said:

Tell him that it's Karl Malone.

Tell him it's Mark Malone.

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Slacks

Slacks 6819

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Just so you guys know what is coming later (as in soon) when they stop picking boogers and playing with their dick, they are going to start giving you the blues...

 

We're on vacation... Yesterday we were standing in a line for something somewhere... as is usual, Little Brother (who is now 14 years old and jacked af) and I are hand fighting and wrestling about - to Mom's dismay.

Little Brother says, "Flex your pecs! Flex!" 

I flex my pecs. He flips my left pec.

"Old Man, you got them Lineman Tiddies."

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Hmbre97

Hmbre97 6304

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Very topical but I'm helping my youngest (who just turned 7) with his shower. He tells me he needs to get out to poop. He's sitting there straining (because he never drinks enough and shits out a brown coke can about every 3 or so days). While he's straining, he notices is penis is at max length so goes "wooooooaaahhhh! look dada, look how big it is!", then starts singing a song about "sometimes it's big, sometimes it's small". He gets done and hops in the shower and proceeds to spend the next 3-5 minutes thumping it and grabbing it to stretch it out while still singing his song. 

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Slacks

Slacks 6819

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10 hours ago, Hmbre97 said:

Very topical but I'm helping my youngest (who just turned 7) with his shower. He tells me he needs to get out to poop. He's sitting there straining (because he never drinks enough and shits out a brown coke can about every 3 or so days). While he's straining, he notices is penis is at max length so goes "wooooooaaahhhh! look dada, look how big it is!", then starts singing a song about "sometimes it's big, sometimes it's small". He gets done and hops in the shower and proceeds to spend the next 3-5 minutes thumping it and grabbing it to stretch it out while still singing his song. 

33d.gif.de9b3eedb0a5c12f7e0b3a422975a6da.gif

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Slacks

Slacks 6819

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3 hours ago, Rimbo said:

Technically correct is the best kind of correct.

20230316_174102.thumb.jpg.d841f10a50f57ba9f0c09b240b3fce6d.jpg

Technically incorrect. It does show 1/3, so the answer is not "No".

Correct answer would be, "Yes, it shows 1/3, as well as 2/3 and 1."

 

I'm not usually a "well actually" kind of guy...

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Rimbo

Rimbo 25910

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10 hours ago, Slacks said:

Technically incorrect. It does show 1/3, so the answer is not "No".

Correct answer would be, "Yes, it shows 1/3, as well as 2/3 and 1."

 

I'm not usually a "well actually" kind of guy...

I mean. The correct answer is "No, that marks 1/4, not 1/3,” but you do you. 🤣

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blacklab

blacklab 11926

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kid: how was your day?

me: well it sucked. I fell while skiing, had to go to the hospital, have torn ligaments, can't ski anymore this trip and have to wear a sling for a month. How do you think my day was?

kid: well other than that one thing how was it?

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