Shit My Kid Says

[Prepuce of Doom 20905]

This month's crop of noteworthy school computer search terms. 

Note that two of these were flagged and two were apparently acceptable. 

 

[Anastasis 23214]

Dad?

[Brisketexan 103602]

Got a buddy with a daughter who is still young enough to need someone to accompany her to the bathroom. They’re visiting family, she needs to go to the bathroom. Dad goes with. She’s taking forever sitting on the crapper, dad wants to get back out to visit with people. He gets frustrated and asks his daughter “so….how much longer?” She answers “umm….about an inch.” He was in tears from laughing when he got back out to the living room.

[Prepuce of Doom 20905]

He "signed" a classmate's cast with "Deez Nuts," much to Mrs. Doom's disappointment. 

~~~~~

In the cold months, he likes to sit atop the heating vent in the floor of our den whenever the heat is on. But he's now discovered that he can blast hot fart all over the room by farting while seated there. 

I guess this is payback for all of the times that I have stuck my butt into his bedroom and audibly farted while he's trying to go to sleep. 

[nolongerU2horn 725]

On 10/23/2023 at 1:18 PM, HenryJames said:

Six-year-old daughter: If I ate myself, would I be twice as big or would I disappear?

I hope you told her she'd disappear until she poops herself back out

[Superhero 8631]

On 10/23/2023 at 11:18 AM, HenryJames said:

Six-year-old daughter: If I ate myself, would I be twice as big or would I disappear?

 

Is your daughter a hotdog?

[Prepuce of Doom 20905]

The resulting photo is now the wallpaper of the phone he uses for Pokémon Go. 

[Prepuce of Doom 20905]

Mrs. Doom discovered his new wallpaper and does not approve of his edits.  She has since deleted this picture, but not before allowing me to document it for you people. 

 

Edited November 25, 2023 by Prepuce of Doom

[Brisketexan 103602]

Mrs. Doom discovered his new wallpaper and does not approve of his edits.  She has since deleted this picture, but not before allowing me to document it for you people. 

 

Dibs on being Attorney General in the future Doomlet presidential administration.

[Longboard Horn 39890]

Update on nephew turning every song into toilet humor.

Last night while talking to the BIL he informed me that while my sister was listening to How do I live by Leann Rimes the nephew chimed in with "how do I pee and not poo? How do I pee? How do I peeeeeeeee and not pooo?" Sister wasn't happy that he ruined one of her favorite songs. 

[Prepuce of Doom 20905]

Relatively tame batch of Internet searches this time around, but a few sequences that made me chuckle. 

 

[CooterBrown 17735]

11YO Lil’ Brown told us she was writing a love triangle story for class. It was about a boy in love with a girl and a boy.

Me: “Uh oh, if you’re gonna be woke, the governor is gonna come after you!”

Lil’ Brown: “If Hot Wheels comes my way, I know how to use a tree as a weapon!”

[Prepuce of Doom 20905]

He didn't know the word for "hairdresser" so he referred to them as "the hair dentist." 

Edited December 4, 2023 by Prepuce of Doom

[Prepuce of Doom 20905]

He just saw a dwarf on television and exclaimed, "Wow, a man baby!" 

[Prepuce of Doom 20905]

What kind of incompetent, psychopathic slob am I raising?! 

[CooterBrown 17735]

5 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

What kind of incompetent, psychopathic slob am I raising?! 

The odds that he shoved that up his, or the dog's, butt is greater than zero.

 

[Prepuce of Doom 20905]

30 minutes ago, CooterBrown said:

The odds that he shoved that up his, or the dog's, butt is greater than zero.

 

Well, we have no dog, so I guess that narrows down our pool of potential buttholes. 

[Chad Fuck 17307]

What kind of incompetent, psychopathic slob am I raising?! 

Small price to pay to be in the presence of genius.

[BigDHornfan 6511]

19 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Well, we have no dog, so I guess that narrows down our pool of potential buttholes. 

Pool of potential buttholes is a good band name

[Prepuce of Doom 20905]

He was disqualified from winning some kind of computer-based competition or contest at school because he entered his name as "your mom" and so the winner's identity on the top score display page was inconclusive, giving the prize or street cred or whatever to the second place finisher. 

We were unable to extract any more details from him than that. 

Edited January 20 by Prepuce of Doom

[Prepuce of Doom 20905]

He put one of these microscopic gummy bears into my boot the other day. 

*these bears are the apex predator of the Gummy forest. Best brand by a long shot - try them out if you don't already know this. They make normal sizes, too. And a very wide variety of flavors. 

~~~~~

This was his note-to-self to help remember his winning guess at Clue. 

Edited January 29 by Prepuce of Doom

[Slacks 6712]

On 10/29/2023 at 11:26 AM, Prepuce of Doom said:

There's an Art Club forming at Doomlet's grade school, and the kids had to apply for consideration. His interest is art is inversely correlated with the outdoor temperature, so it's been on the back burner for a while, but in the winter, at least, he enjoys giving his drawings as gifts. 

Here's Doomlet's application - note how he had to insert a barrier between "of art" so it didn't appear to admissions committee that he had written the word "fart." And yes, it's beginning to look like he inherited my shitty handwriting. 

I was out of town at the time of his application, but apparently he had intended to create and submit "a beautiful sunrise over Walgreen's" (?!) but Mrs. Doom explained to him how that didn't really fit with the theme of his application, and how most people wouldn't necessarily be too enamored with (and more likely confused by) the depiction of a sunrise over a drugstore. In case it needs to be clarified, our family has no particular connection to or affinity for Walgreen's. 

So he submitted something more representative of his catalog and was accepted. 

Avatar worthy. I miss this thread. 

[Prepuce of Doom 20905]

It's been less than two weeks since I last excised a tumor from this same location. 

[Prepuce of Doom 20905]

And let me preempt the "price of genius" retorts this time by sharing this experience. It happened last week, but I haven't had the time to do the story justice until now. 

He had a loose tooth and was constantly putting his fingers in his mouth and messing with it, etc. It was his fourth or fifth loose tooth, and all others had previously come out with a lot of angst and worry in the build-up to the actual loss/removal, only for it to be no big deal once the moment came. Probably a pretty typical emotional trajectory for losing one's baby teeth. 

He wanted to look at the wiggly tooth in the mirror. He was anxious for it to come out because the Tooth Fairy is his only reliable source of income. We tried to give him an allowance for a few weeks, before abandoning it because he would often argue about doing his single chore (using the electric sweeper around the house and under his place setting at the table after dinner every night) and he eventually declined to do his single chore often enough that we weren't going to keep paying him, and he was more or less fine with that once it became clear that we were trying to teach him something and that the purpose of his allowance wasn't just because we wanted to give him free money. He would rather be poor than learn a lesson he doesn't want to learn... 

Anyway, he decided to go look in the mirror in our small powder room bathroom. 

The mirror is mounted too high for him to see himself from standing on the floor. So he climbed up onto the toilet so he could climb onto the small sink/counter in order to see himself. 

But he didn't close the lid to the toilet. 

In what should come as no surprise to almost anyone who has spent more than a day or two observing the principles of physics which govern this planet, the toilet seat on which he had most of his body weight slipped a bit, causing him to fall, and plunge one socked foot into the toilet, and one foot on the floor. 

He immediately panicked, and had no idea what to do next ("how do I get my foot out of the toilet?!" - uh, remove it???), screaming and yelling for help. 

Mrs. Doom and I both heard the commotion from different parts of the house, and ran to see what Serious Calamity must have happened in order to generate so much noise and spazzery. 

I just lifted him up and his foot came right out - he wasn't stuck at all, just vapor locked by the unfamiliarity of the stupid predicament that he put himself into. 

He was very nervous confronting the issue of "whether that's poop and pee water" (the only, and I mean ONLY reason that it wasn't, was because someone else besides him was the last one to use that particular toilet...) so it's looking like he's got some issues to work out before he's ready to begin his internship at the Poop Factory with @Scheiss Meister.

~~~~~

He has a stepstool in a different bathroom which allows him to easily see himself in that mirror. 

 

Edited January 30 by Prepuce of Doom

[Scheiss Meister 8317]

1 hour ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

And let me preempt the "price of genius" retorts this time by sharing this experience. It happened last week, but I haven't had the time to do the story justice until now. 

He had a loose tooth and was constantly putting his fingers in his mouth and messing with it, etc. It was his fourth or fifth loose tooth, and all others had previously come out with a lot of angst and worry in the build-up to the actual loss/removal, only for it to be no big deal once the moment came. Probably a pretty typical emotional trajectory for losing one's baby teeth. 

He wanted to look at the wiggly tooth in the mirror. He was anxious for it to come out because the Tooth Fairy is his only reliable source of income. We tried to give him an allowance for a few weeks, before abandoning it because he would often argue about doing his single chore (using the electric sweeper around the house and under his place setting at the table after dinner every night) and he eventually declined to do his single chore often enough that we weren't going to keep paying him, and he was more or less fine with that once it became clear that we were trying to teach him something and that the purpose of his allowance wasn't just because we wanted to give him free money. He would rather be poor than learn a lesson he doesn't want to learn... 

Anyway, he decided to go look in the mirror in our small powder room bathroom. 

The mirror is mounted too high for him to see himself from standing on the floor. So he climbed up onto the toilet so he could climb onto the small sink/counter in order to see himself. 

But he didn't close the lid to the toilet. 

In what should come as no surprise to almost anyone who has spent more than a day or two observing the principles of physics which govern this planet, the toilet seat on which he had most of his body weight slipped a bit, causing him to fall, and plunge one socked foot into the toilet, and one foot on the floor. 

He immediately panicked, and had no idea what to do next ("how do I get my foot out of the toilet?!" - uh, remove it???), screaming and yelling for help. 

Mrs. Doom and I both heard the commotion from different parts of the house, and ran to see what Serious Calamity must have happened in order to generate so much noise and spazzery. 

I just lifted him up and his foot came right out - he wasn't stuck at all, just vapor locked by the unfamiliarity of the stupid predicament that he put himself into. 

He was very nervous confronting the issue of "whether that's poop and pee water" (the only, and I mean ONLY reason that it wasn't, was because someone else besides him was the last one to use that particular toilet...) so it's looking like he's got some issues to work out before he's ready to begin his internship at the Poop Factory with @Scheiss Meister.

~~~~~

He has a stepstool in a different bathroom which allows him to easily see himself in that mirror. 

 

There are two kinds of wastewater operators in this world: those who have been "baptized", and those who will be.  He's got his baptism behind him.  You'll really need to watch out for him if he realizes that it isn't the end of the world and he loses the ick response.

[ROFL BOX 6622]

There are two kinds of wastewater operators in this world: those who have been "baptized", and those who will be.  He's got his baptism behind him.  You'll really need to watch out for him if he realizes that it isn't the end of the world and he loses the ick response.

Vince McMahon may be looking for an intern.

[1978horn 867]

2 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

It's been less than two weeks since I last excised a tumor from this same location. 

At least you are getting him to brush his teeth.  I still have to bug my teenagers about that shit.  It is the most disgusting issue in our house.  My wife(no pics) and I have no idea where the "I don't need to brush my teeth" comes from, especially since we ask them every god damn day.

[Prepuce of Doom 20905]

Just now, 1978horn said:

At least you are getting him to brush his teeth.  I still have to bug my teenagers about that shit.  It is the most disgusting issue in our house.  My wife(no pics) and I have no idea where the "I don't need to brush my teeth" comes from, especially since we ask them every god damn day.

If only. 

It's a fight every time. And he lies about it. Luckily, he's such a slob and is such an inept liar that we can always tell whether he's telling us the truth based on what kind of mess is (or isn't) in the sink. 

And he's unwilling to take any feedback or advice from us. He has an electric toothbrush (pulsates every 30 seconds to tell him to move to a new quadrant) but refuses to turn it on, so instead, it's just a big, heavy manual toothbrush with an exceptionally small, round brush. 

And he brushes so hard that he mangles the heads in just a week or two. So it's also far more expensive than a normal toothbrush. 

[nnm 35627]

2 hours ago, Scheiss Meister said:

There are two kinds of wastewater operators in this world: those who have been "baptized", and those who will be.  He's got his baptism behind him.  You'll really need to watch out for him if he realizes that it isn't the end of the world and he loses the ick response.

Having a modern septic system also causes one to lose that ick factor. Periodically the filter on the pump gets clogged with little food particles, etc., despite screens on all sinks, especially the kitchen sink, and signs in all bathrooms asking people (we have a LOT of visitors) to flush only natural waste and toilet paper.

It costs $175 for the septic guy to come out, pull the cover off the septic tank, pull the pump out, and clean that filter. I paid that once. Watched him do it, and have done it several times since then. 

Some gloves and grubby clothes and the problem is solved. Just get past the ick factor. 

[1978horn 867]

2 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

If only. 

It's a fight every time. And he lies about it. Luckily, he's such a slob and is such an inept liar that we can always tell whether he's telling us the truth based on what kind of mess is (or isn't) in the sink. 

And he's unwilling to take any feedback or advice from us. He has an electric toothbrush (pulsates every 30 seconds to tell him to move to a new quadrant) but refuses to turn it on, so instead, it's just a big, heavy manual toothbrush with an exceptionally small, round brush. 

And he brushes so hard that he mangles the heads in just a week or two. So it's also far more expensive than a normal toothbrush. 

Sounds like my 17 yr old....all of it.

[Catpfish 618]

3 hours ago, nnm said:

Having a modern septic system also causes one to lose that ick factor. Periodically the filter on the pump gets clogged with little food particles, etc., despite screens on all sinks, especially the kitchen sink, and signs in all bathrooms asking people (we have a LOT of visitors) to flush only natural waste and toilet paper.

It costs $175 for the septic guy to come out, pull the cover off the septic tank, pull the pump out, and clean that filter. I paid that once. Watched him do it, and have done it several times since then. 

Some gloves and grubby clothes and the problem is solved. Just get past the ick factor. 

Our septic has a hard plastic pre-filter that has to be cleaned at least twice a year or the tank will back up resulting in a delightful earthy aroma around the house.  Had no idea we had that (haven't ever seen a system with a pre-filter) and only found out by having the tanks pumped.  I guess it saves on having to lift the pump, so I have that going for me...which is nice

[Dish Boggett 67]

Listen,  did you know you know that an electrical receptacle is called a " Charging Hole" and when it is cool/cold out side you can wear your "Colder-Roy" pants?

 

 

[ROFL BOX 6622]

Listen,  did you know you know that an electrical receptacle is called a " Charging Hole"


 
 

Are you certain that shouldn't go in the "Wives & the Stupid" thread?

& FWIW, my wife refuses to understand why a receptacle should be installed with the ground up vs. the "WHAAAT?" look.

[Modessit 5582]

Are you certain that shouldn't go in the "Wives & the Stupid" thread?

& FWIW, my wide refuses to understand why a receptacle should be installed with the ground up vs. the "WHAAAT?" look.

That's only for outlets controlled by a light switch so you'll know that they are.

Unless you're using metal trim plates (like in a hospital) and are worried the plate will come loose and drop down on the plug as it's going in or out and short.

Otherwise, it doesn't matter.

[Prepuce of Doom 20905]

He's been singing this around the house for the past hour. 

He doesn't know what "cock" means, though he'll probably find out when he inevitably gets in trouble for singing it at school on Monday. 

[BigDHornfan 6511]

He knows…

[Longboard Horn 39890]

[nnm 35627]

16 hours ago, Longboard Horn said:

Future jacked-up F250 driver there. 

[Prepuce of Doom 20905]

I'm out of town for a work trip right now and received this text from Mrs. Doom. 

[Covri 6150]

He’s how old now? 

[Prepuce of Doom 20905]

Eight. 

[Longboard Horn 39890]

[Prepuce of Doom 20905]

He just boo'ed through the whole Jesus feet washing commercial. 

[Prepuce of Doom 20905]

In keeping with that theme, I just received this update. 

 

Edited February 15 by Prepuce of Doom

[Modessit 5582]

Damn, that looks like my kid.

[GoPokes83 2236]

I'm out of town for a work trip right now and received this text from Mrs. Doom. 

As long as it stays at only his own shorts that’s nothing to be too concerned about.

[Prepuce of Doom 20905]

He took a short break from the big Pokémon Go event today to improve the local sand volleyball court and to document his contribution to the local art scene. 

[Dnaguy 11592]

On 10/23/2023 at 1:18 PM, HenryJames said:

Six-year-old daughter: If I ate myself, would I be twice as big or would I disappear?

 

 

It’s from Pinky and the Brain.

My girls just asked me this too after their weekend morning parent sanctioned TV binge feats (no tv allowed on weekdays… I’m one of those). 

I was super impressed by the question at first. 

Then they told me where they heard it and I was less so.

But then they actually started to get into the question and I was impressed with their little 7 and 5 year old minds when they started debating it.

[Catpfish 618]

14 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

He took a short break from the big Pokémon Go event today to improve the local sand volleyball court and to document his contribution to the local art scene. 

I'm very far from an art afficionado, so I'll have to ask for some help with the subtleties of a master

Does it say "snot"?

 

 

[Prepuce of Doom 20905]

50 minutes ago, Catpfish said:

I'm very far from an art afficionado, so I'll have to ask for some help with the subtleties of a master

Does it say "snot"?

 

 

Yeah, I was worried that picture might have sucked.