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Posted

I consider myself a C+ dad. I make breakfast every morning, take them camping and do other fun stuff, but don't spend enough time in the evenings because I'm exhausted from work and need "me" time. When it comes to love languages, I definitely fall into the "acts of service" category. I'm a pretty decent listener when the kids are feeling down. When they fight, I'll ask them what happened even though I already got the download from my wife.

OTOH, I'm an absolute asshole at times. I have a temper and brought down the wrath of god many times in the past. But as they get older, I give them the "I'm Mad" face, a strict talking to, and the occasional "What the hell!"

 

So my kids got into a fight yesterday. My daughter said something and my son started punching her. The rule in the house is anyone who commits an act of violence must kneel on the ground for 30 minutes. I was still at work when the fight happened, so in the morning, I told him he needs to get down on his knees. He said no. Then I told him he can't go to his friend's house, and his response was "I already decided I'm going to go, so you can't tell me no!" I called him an asshole. Then the crying started, and he goes on about how I'm ALWAYS mean to him, and why can't he tell me to shut up if I (rarely) tell them to shut up. I was pretty furious, but got my bag and went to work before I had an aneurysm.

The boy is usually full of laughs and jokes, but his temper has gotten a lot worse in the past 6 months. I'm a shitty example of how not to lose my cool. Any parenting tips on how to make him behave better?

Posted (edited)

Lol, wondering if you're gonna prevail against acts of defiance by your kids.

 

Fuck that.  Ain't happening.

Choices have results.  Let's fucking go.  We ain't negotiating.  And God save them if they disrespect their mother.  That is death flying in to take them to peace compared to what they would face.

Maybe I talk big, maybe I didn't fuck around with th kids.  They ALWAYS knew what the answer was before the question was posed.  they never once thought they might have an advantage in the the situation, nor should they.

I'd start the conversation that we don't fucking fight in our family.  Hopefully they don't have an example to the contrary.

Edited by Iceman
Posted
You're not the first tired parent.  Put your big boy pants on and be an adult.  You need to re-evaluate what this "me-time" means.  I'm not going to jump to any conclusions, but it sounds selfish.  You're a parent, not a single adult.  Turn the "me" time into "we" time.  Yes, that's corny as shit, but take them out to do something to unwind.  Not sit on your phone or in front of a TV.
When the kids have an outburst, respond in a firm but calm manner.  It disarms them when they see you calm.  Blowing up only teaches them they can do it too.  Let them throw their tantrum, but in the end, they need firm rules. Make them apologize each time one hurts the other.  Reward them for good behavior, but don't rub it in. 
And if it feels uncontrollable, go seek out some therapy for all of yall.  Kids can struggle when dealing with their emotions.  And sometimes they need to be taught how to do so in a constructive manner, because it will only get worse through puberty. 

Superhero should send you some money.
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Posted
30 minutes ago, freyguy said:

You're not the first tired parent.  Put your big boy pants on and be an adult.  You need to re-evaluate what this "me-time" means.  I'm not going to jump to any conclusions, but it sounds selfish.  You're a parent, not a single adult.  Turn the "me" time into "we" time.  Yes, that's corny as shit, but take them out to do something to unwind.  Not sit on your phone or in front of a TV.

When the kids have an outburst, respond in a firm but calm manner.  It disarms them when they see you calm.  Blowing up only teaches them they can do it too.  Let them throw their tantrum, but in the end, they need firm rules. Make them apologize each time one hurts the other.  Reward them for good behavior, but don't rub it in. 

And if it feels uncontrollable, go seek out some therapy for all of yall.  Kids can struggle when dealing with their emotions.  And sometimes they need to be taught how to do so in a constructive manner, because it will only get worse through puberty. 

We were all joking and this guy came in with the right answer. Great post. 

Posted
54 minutes ago, freyguy said:

You're not the first tired parent.  Put your big boy pants on and be an adult.  You need to re-evaluate what this "me-time" means.  I'm not going to jump to any conclusions, but it sounds selfish.  You're a parent, not a single adult.  Turn the "me" time into "we" time.  Yes, that's corny as shit, but take them out to do something to unwind.  Not sit on your phone or in front of a TV.

When the kids have an outburst, respond in a firm but calm manner.  It disarms them when they see you calm.  Blowing up only teaches them they can do it too.  Let them throw their tantrum, but in the end, they need firm rules. Make them apologize each time one hurts the other.  Reward them for good behavior, but don't rub it in. 

And if it feels uncontrollable, go seek out some therapy for all of yall.  Kids can struggle when dealing with their emotions.  And sometimes they need to be taught how to do so in a constructive manner, because it will only get worse through puberty. 

You don’t want to measure dicks with Slorch?? 

Posted
20 minutes ago, Kennythetiger said:

You don’t want to measure dicks with Slorch?? 

hey, there is no one answer, for sure.

I do get a kick out of negotiating with the kids.  Someone on here will also chime in about getting them on 38 meds and then call that a solution too.

Bottom line, do whatever it takes.  Nothing wrong with asking for help, but also read the room.

My kids are 31 and 26 respectively. I'm proud of who they are and how they got there.  Probably the biggest reason for that is they have a great MOM, and I gave them plenty of examples of how to fuck up.  Being a dad is one of the greatest parts of my life, but grab a helmet, because it ain't for the faint of heart.  Sorry, i didn't check in my passive voice on the topic.

Posted
4 hours ago, freyguy said:

You're not the first tired parent.  Put your big boy pants on and be an adult.  You need to re-evaluate what this "me-time" means.  I'm not going to jump to any conclusions, but it sounds selfish.  You're a parent, not a single adult.  Turn the "me" time into "we" time.  Yes, that's corny as shit, but take them out to do something to unwind.  Not sit on your phone or in front of a TV.

When the kids have an outburst, respond in a firm but calm manner.  It disarms them when they see you calm.  Blowing up only teaches them they can do it too.  Let them throw their tantrum, but in the end, they need firm rules. Make them apologize each time one hurts the other.  Reward them for good behavior, but don't rub it in. 

And if it feels uncontrollable, go seek out some therapy for all of yall.  Kids can struggle when dealing with their emotions.  And sometimes they need to be taught how to do so in a constructive manner, because it will only get worse through puberty. 

On the other hand this guy won 6 NBA titles. 

image.thumb.jpeg.d479f7b210f3b8278545ac412eb79fce.jpeg

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Posted

If you don't want your toes stepped on, then put your foot down.  There will be time for being friends with your kids later, right now your job is to parent them, guide them, and set solid fair and consistent examples. 

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Posted
20 hours ago, freyguy said:

You're not the first tired parent.  Put your big boy pants on and be an adult.  You need to re-evaluate what this "me-time" means.  I'm not going to jump to any conclusions, but it sounds selfish.  You're a parent, not a single adult.  Turn the "me" time into "we" time.  Yes, that's corny as shit, but take them out to do something to unwind.  Not sit on your phone or in front of a TV.

When the kids have an outburst, respond in a firm but calm manner.  It disarms them when they see you calm.  Blowing up only teaches them they can do it too.  Let them throw their tantrum, but in the end, they need firm rules. Make them apologize each time one hurts the other.  Reward them for good behavior, but don't rub it in. 

And if it feels uncontrollable, go seek out some therapy for all of yall.  Kids can struggle when dealing with their emotions.  And sometimes they need to be taught how to do so in a constructive manner, because it will only get worse through puberty. 

I'm going to tag onto this post as it is constructive and in a positive way.

Another couple of things to remember (and this was also mentioned) is that your children are looking to you for social behavior and while you are aware of your flaws (which is good!) as they grow into adolescence (and with a 10 year old that is closer than you think) they are VERY aware of them. Daughters and sons want attention from their fathers and these years right now are IT. Meaning as they hit the teens and begin to bond with peer groups and want more privacy for teenage thoughts and dreams, it gets more difficult to express the emotions bubbling beneath the surface in positive ways. For both of you. While my spouse was an engaged father with our children when they were little--swapping off reading aloud, bath time, etc as they got older, we had a conversation about those nearing teen years and how more than ever, this was a good time for Dad to really step up and be there as a person of character for them. Forget the patriarchal society that we live in (if I hear alpha male one more time, my rolling eyes will fall out of my head) and just going with things like 'how does one resolves disputes, how does one learn about compromising, or forgiveness, or walking away from a bad situation or when to stand one's ground.' None of these things have to be about being male, per se, but how to be a human being. How it's okay to cry, to be weak, to ask for help, to confess to feeling overwhelmed or lost or angry. How some of these can be used against one (revealing too much information to untrustworthy acquaintances) and how to navigate that in relationships--personal, professional, and just out and about in the world.

One of our children is pretty introverted. Like the OP, my spouse is quite drained after work but something that helped us was me commandeering the evening meal prep so that the two of them could take a walk. It wasn't a terribly long walk, but five to ten minutes into that walk and the words would just spill out of him. To this day, they still take a walk together whenever this (now adult) returns home and you wouldn't think such a small somewhat uncool thing would matter but it did and it does.

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Posted

One thing that I can testify to is that you should hang out with them now instead of your me time. In a few years they won't want to hang out with you all the time anymore, even if you're not an asshole. We still hang out sometimes, sure, but there's nothing like those early years. When they hit middle school childhood might as well be over. The pre/teen years hit a little different. 

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