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Posted

I consider myself a C+ dad. I make breakfast every morning, take them camping and do other fun stuff, but don't spend enough time in the evenings because I'm exhausted from work and need "me" time. When it comes to love languages, I definitely fall into the "acts of service" category. I'm a pretty decent listener when the kids are feeling down. When they fight, I'll ask them what happened even though I already got the download from my wife.

OTOH, I'm an absolute asshole at times. I have a temper and brought down the wrath of god many times in the past. But as they get older, I give them the "I'm Mad" face, a strict talking to, and the occasional "What the hell!"

 

So my kids got into a fight yesterday. My daughter said something and my son started punching her. The rule in the house is anyone who commits an act of violence must kneel on the ground for 30 minutes. I was still at work when the fight happened, so in the morning, I told him he needs to get down on his knees. He said no. Then I told him he can't go to his friend's house, and his response was "I already decided I'm going to go, so you can't tell me no!" I called him an asshole. Then the crying started, and he goes on about how I'm ALWAYS mean to him, and why can't he tell me to shut up if I (rarely) tell them to shut up. I was pretty furious, but got my bag and went to work before I had an aneurysm.

The boy is usually full of laughs and jokes, but his temper has gotten a lot worse in the past 6 months. I'm a shitty example of how not to lose my cool. Any parenting tips on how to make him behave better?

Posted (edited)

Lol, wondering if you're gonna prevail against acts of defiance by your kids.

 

Fuck that.  Ain't happening.

Choices have results.  Let's fucking go.  We ain't negotiating.  And God save them if they disrespect their mother.  That is death flying in to take them to peace compared to what they would face.

Maybe I talk big, maybe I didn't fuck around with th kids.  They ALWAYS knew what the answer was before the question was posed.  they never once thought they might have an advantage in the the situation, nor should they.

I'd start the conversation that we don't fucking fight in our family.  Hopefully they don't have an example to the contrary.

Edited by Iceman
Posted
You're not the first tired parent.  Put your big boy pants on and be an adult.  You need to re-evaluate what this "me-time" means.  I'm not going to jump to any conclusions, but it sounds selfish.  You're a parent, not a single adult.  Turn the "me" time into "we" time.  Yes, that's corny as shit, but take them out to do something to unwind.  Not sit on your phone or in front of a TV.
When the kids have an outburst, respond in a firm but calm manner.  It disarms them when they see you calm.  Blowing up only teaches them they can do it too.  Let them throw their tantrum, but in the end, they need firm rules. Make them apologize each time one hurts the other.  Reward them for good behavior, but don't rub it in. 
And if it feels uncontrollable, go seek out some therapy for all of yall.  Kids can struggle when dealing with their emotions.  And sometimes they need to be taught how to do so in a constructive manner, because it will only get worse through puberty. 

Superhero should send you some money.
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Posted
30 minutes ago, freyguy said:

You're not the first tired parent.  Put your big boy pants on and be an adult.  You need to re-evaluate what this "me-time" means.  I'm not going to jump to any conclusions, but it sounds selfish.  You're a parent, not a single adult.  Turn the "me" time into "we" time.  Yes, that's corny as shit, but take them out to do something to unwind.  Not sit on your phone or in front of a TV.

When the kids have an outburst, respond in a firm but calm manner.  It disarms them when they see you calm.  Blowing up only teaches them they can do it too.  Let them throw their tantrum, but in the end, they need firm rules. Make them apologize each time one hurts the other.  Reward them for good behavior, but don't rub it in. 

And if it feels uncontrollable, go seek out some therapy for all of yall.  Kids can struggle when dealing with their emotions.  And sometimes they need to be taught how to do so in a constructive manner, because it will only get worse through puberty. 

We were all joking and this guy came in with the right answer. Great post. 

Posted
54 minutes ago, freyguy said:

You're not the first tired parent.  Put your big boy pants on and be an adult.  You need to re-evaluate what this "me-time" means.  I'm not going to jump to any conclusions, but it sounds selfish.  You're a parent, not a single adult.  Turn the "me" time into "we" time.  Yes, that's corny as shit, but take them out to do something to unwind.  Not sit on your phone or in front of a TV.

When the kids have an outburst, respond in a firm but calm manner.  It disarms them when they see you calm.  Blowing up only teaches them they can do it too.  Let them throw their tantrum, but in the end, they need firm rules. Make them apologize each time one hurts the other.  Reward them for good behavior, but don't rub it in. 

And if it feels uncontrollable, go seek out some therapy for all of yall.  Kids can struggle when dealing with their emotions.  And sometimes they need to be taught how to do so in a constructive manner, because it will only get worse through puberty. 

You don’t want to measure dicks with Slorch?? 

Posted
20 minutes ago, Kennythetiger said:

You don’t want to measure dicks with Slorch?? 

hey, there is no one answer, for sure.

I do get a kick out of negotiating with the kids.  Someone on here will also chime in about getting them on 38 meds and then call that a solution too.

Bottom line, do whatever it takes.  Nothing wrong with asking for help, but also read the room.

My kids are 31 and 26 respectively. I'm proud of who they are and how they got there.  Probably the biggest reason for that is they have a great MOM, and I gave them plenty of examples of how to fuck up.  Being a dad is one of the greatest parts of my life, but grab a helmet, because it ain't for the faint of heart.  Sorry, i didn't check in my passive voice on the topic.

Posted
4 hours ago, freyguy said:

You're not the first tired parent.  Put your big boy pants on and be an adult.  You need to re-evaluate what this "me-time" means.  I'm not going to jump to any conclusions, but it sounds selfish.  You're a parent, not a single adult.  Turn the "me" time into "we" time.  Yes, that's corny as shit, but take them out to do something to unwind.  Not sit on your phone or in front of a TV.

When the kids have an outburst, respond in a firm but calm manner.  It disarms them when they see you calm.  Blowing up only teaches them they can do it too.  Let them throw their tantrum, but in the end, they need firm rules. Make them apologize each time one hurts the other.  Reward them for good behavior, but don't rub it in. 

And if it feels uncontrollable, go seek out some therapy for all of yall.  Kids can struggle when dealing with their emotions.  And sometimes they need to be taught how to do so in a constructive manner, because it will only get worse through puberty. 

On the other hand this guy won 6 NBA titles. 

image.thumb.jpeg.d479f7b210f3b8278545ac412eb79fce.jpeg

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Posted

If you don't want your toes stepped on, then put your foot down.  There will be time for being friends with your kids later, right now your job is to parent them, guide them, and set solid fair and consistent examples. 

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Posted

One thing that I can testify to is that you should hang out with them now instead of your me time. In a few years they won't want to hang out with you all the time anymore, even if you're not an asshole. We still hang out sometimes, sure, but there's nothing like those early years. When they hit middle school childhood might as well be over. The pre/teen years hit a little different. 

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Posted

Thanks guys and gals. I spoke to my wife this weekend (yes she's not mad at me anymore) and she actually gave be a B.

Part of the reason I don't spend much time with them in the evenings is because they're watching TV, and I'm not particularly interested in cartoons and other kid programs - that's something my wife does. Sometimes I'll pray with them and put them to bed, but I mainly defer to my wife for that.

I guess in my initial post, I didn't mention something of the good things I do... every morning starts with a big hug or a kiss on the head. They help me with breakfast while I help them pack lunches. I pick them up from after school activities and make it a point to talk to them instead of giving them my phone. While I don't spend enough time with them during the week, it's different on the weekends. I've taken them camping, going on bike rides, swimming, etc. This past weekend we went to Good Friday service, I spent time with my daughter while my boy was doing BJJ, went swimming Saturday afternoon, played tennis Sunday afternoon and had the boy help me with the steaks. My son is addicted to screen time, but he can be pulled away if I give him something interesting to do, e.g. He did all the prep on the steak and even did the butter basting while I helped.

Where I can improve on is my temper. I get wound up when my kids won't go to bed or push back when I ask them to clean up. Getting them away from their screens is another source of frustration. But I definitely need to improve my communication with my wife in front of the kids. Both of us can get pretty thin skinned and get mad at each other, get snarky or raise our voices at each other. Definitely not the right example in front of the kids.

Still lots of things to work on, but I guess Friday was an anomaly since they still cling to me at times, and want to spend time with me (as long as there are no screen around). Thanks again for the input. I'm not too worried about my daughter since she's a good student and has great friends (I know all of their dads), but worry about my boy who only has a few friends and thinks school, Chinese and piano classes are a big inconvenience. 

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Posted
42 minutes ago, Superhero said:

 my boy who only has a few friends and thinks school, Chinese and piano classes are a big inconvenience. 

Which of those is he wrong about?  Sounds like the average Surly poster (well, he might have more friends than most of us)

Posted

Also one of the things I learned from my coonass friends  during the year I lived in Lake Chuck, if you have dem kids kneelin, might as well drop some long grain rice down there on the hardwood floor for good measure( thank God my mom never thought of that one.)

Posted

Therapy can help with temper and find root cause. Can also help you parent with a different lens. Doesn’t stop your kid from being an a hole but helps you figure you out and how to parent him better.

Posted (edited)

My girlfriend’s kids are some of the worst I’ve ever seen but it’s not really all their fault. (Minus the oldest, something is wrong with that one).  These kids 13, 11, 8 can’t make it thru a dinner without complaining, throwing a fit or playing on their phones loudly every time to where I’m just like they aren’t going anymore because they can’t behave, take them to the beach they complain non stop, I swear they would complain the whole time at Disney World.  It’s all because no one has ever actually disciplined them and parents and grandparents spoil them (example the 13 year makes mom put his pizza in and comes and yells at her to get it out for him, I’d of starved if I wasn’t making my own food by 9).  Their mom has to tell them a minimum of five times before they do anything she says and there’s no consequences for doing for anything done wrong. She has gotten better since I’ve been around and I’m like wtf non stop telling her you have to do something but it’s a long battle if they don’t drastically change things and quickly.  They complain loudly if they have to the smallest thing they don’t want to do, the boys (older ones) skip school and refuse to go pretty much once a week to play video games all day.  Real life is going to slap these kids in the face so hard when their lazy, ungrateful, undisciplined asses graduate. I’ve even offered money to send the oldest to a scared straight type summer camp because that one definitely needs something.  Mom is also pretty much like her kids though and possibly one of the laziest people I’ve ever met.  How I ended up here is my fault I know but I’m probably jumping off this train wreck soon.  

Edited by Hook1997
Posted
2 hours ago, Hook1997 said:

My girlfriend’s kids are some of the worst I’ve ever seen but it’s not really all their fault. (Minus the oldest, something is wrong with that one).  These kids 13, 11, 8 can’t make it thru a dinner without complaining, throwing a fit or playing on their phones loudly every time to where I’m just like they aren’t going anymore because they can’t behave, take them to the beach they complain non stop, I swear they would complain the whole time at Disney World.  It’s all because no one has ever actually disciplined them and parents and grandparents spoil them (example the 13 year makes mom put his pizza in and comes and yells at her to get it out for him, I’d of starved if I wasn’t making my own food by 9).  Their mom has to tell them a minimum of five times before they do anything she says and there’s no consequences for doing for anything done wrong. She has gotten better since I’ve been around and I’m like wtf non stop telling her you have to do something but it’s a long battle if they don’t drastically change things and quickly.  They complain loudly if they have to the smallest thing they don’t want to do, the boys (older ones) skip school and refuse to go pretty much once a week to play video games all day.  Real life is going to slap these kids in the face so hard when their lazy, ungrateful, undisciplined asses graduate. I’ve even offered money to send the oldest to a scared straight type summer camp because that one definitely needs something.  Mom is also pretty much like her kids though and possibly one of the laziest people I’ve ever met.  How I ended up here is my fault I know but I’m probably jumping off this train wreck soon.  

Why the fuck are you dating this woman? Real talk.

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Posted (edited)
32 minutes ago, royiv said:

Why the fuck are you dating this woman? Real talk.

You don’t see those things when you first start dating, next thing you know you’re in too far and they beg you not to leave and I’m too nice and hang around way too long. She’s sweet and really does means well, just lazy and dumb. Last few months with my schedule if I stay over there I leave at 7 most days and not back until 8-9 at night. That and great boobs and sex.  

Edited by Hook1997
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Posted
1 minute ago, Hook1997 said:

You don’t see those things when you first start dating, next thing you know you’re in too far and they beg you not to leave and I’m too nice and hang around way too long.  That and great boobs and sex.  

You don’t see three fuck trophies all living at home? Was she hiding them in a basement with ball gags?

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Posted
1 minute ago, Js1 said:

Yeah, you straight men have pretty low standards lol 

That’s true, but even my standards aren’t low enough to deal with some other dude’s kids.

Posted
2 hours ago, Hook1997 said:

My girlfriend’s kids are some of the worst I’ve ever seen but it’s not really all their fault. (Minus the oldest, something is wrong with that one).  These kids 13, 11, 8 can’t make it thru a dinner without complaining, throwing a fit or playing on their phones loudly every time to where I’m just like they aren’t going anymore because they can’t behave, take them to the beach they complain non stop, I swear they would complain the whole time at Disney World.  It’s all because no one has ever actually disciplined them and parents and grandparents spoil them (example the 13 year makes mom put his pizza in and comes and yells at her to get it out for him, I’d of starved if I wasn’t making my own food by 9).  Their mom has to tell them a minimum of five times before they do anything she says and there’s no consequences for doing for anything done wrong. She has gotten better since I’ve been around and I’m like wtf non stop telling her you have to do something but it’s a long battle if they don’t drastically change things and quickly.  They complain loudly if they have to the smallest thing they don’t want to do, the boys (older ones) skip school and refuse to go pretty much once a week to play video games all day.  Real life is going to slap these kids in the face so hard when their lazy, ungrateful, undisciplined asses graduate. I’ve even offered money to send the oldest to a scared straight type summer camp because that one definitely needs something.  Mom is also pretty much like her kids though and possibly one of the laziest people I’ve ever met.  How I ended up here is my fault I know but I’m probably jumping off this train wreck soon.  

Should def ride it out, I mean only one way to go from here right?!?

Posted
1 hour ago, royiv said:

Why the fuck are you dating this woman? Real talk.

Shut up, dude. The longer he stays the more entertainment we might get out of it. God knows we could use it during the dog days before football starts. 

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Posted
1 hour ago, Jerry Callo said:

@Superhero please don't call your 10yo an asshole.  No idea what that means to him, but who else has he heard you refer to as an asshole?

Asshole is not a term I use much. It's "idiots" for women, and "dicks" for men.

But of course I always tell them (daughter as well) that I shouldn't use that language, and they shouldn't either. Probably not very effective, but I don't want to over-protective them either.

Posted
On 4/23/2025 at 11:30 AM, Js1 said:

Yeah, you straight men have pretty low standards lol 

not as low as my wife's were.

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