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Posted

Been married 10+ years.

Have 2 kids.

Marriage had been in a rough patch for at least the past 2 years.

I was unemployed for a stretch in it. Lots of self loathing on my part and actual anger at me on her part. Dealt with some pretty bad anxiety and depression in there too. Thankfully I’m medicated and doing well now.

Wife also dealing with anxiety in addition to dealing with uterine fibroids that lead to > than a year of no sex and finally a hysterectomy…. Which lead to even more time without the deed.

In that time, we’ve drifted apart. Her job is super stressful and she literally spends her time in bed if she’s not working.

I just feel that we’re living separate lives outside of the kids. 
I know that counseling is the answer but it’s almost feels like… why? She doesn’t seem bothered by the current state of things. I mean, when I was going through my shit she was quick to tell me all the things I need to change and how I was fucking up. The one time I got fed up and my anger bubbled up, I said some pretty mean shit that I’ve apologized for but I can’t take it back.

Idk. It just feels like she’s willing to just go through the motions and I’m starting to ask the question if it’s really worth feeling like this for another 30-40 years. 
But I also don’t want to fuck up my kids by upending their lives 

Anyone else dealing with this or have experience in this kind of miasma?

 

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Posted

Is she on hormones after the hysterectomy? Do yall have an opportunity to take a vacation without the kids. Even a night away at a hotel would be a nice break. I know for my wife having she likes having something on the calendar to look forward to.

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Bevo said:

 

What are you looking for? Is everything still sex-less? What is she looking for? Would a long vacation help?


We’ve had sex a couple times since she’s healed up.

I guess I’m looking for us to be a team again…. Enjoy each other’s company.  Desire one another. I know that sounds stupid. I still find her very attractive. But when I give compliments, look at her naked, tell her how nice she looks, she almost recoils in a way…. Like Im a perve… in fairness I am, but she used to like that I was attracted to her.

Overall I think I want to feel valued. I’d like her to look at me like she used to before I had my mental health issues and before I lost my job. I just feel like because I showed any vulnerability that I’ve now lost face some way that I can’t earn back. Even though I have a better and more stable job, lost weight, got healthier, and am no longer in a constant state of depression I’ve shattered her image of me.

For her, I truly do not know what she wants. And that’s on me to an extend. I try to talk to her but she usually shuts things down, says she’s tired, and then goes to bed. When I've brought up that the her job may be causing health and anxiety issues she becomes super defensive and dismissive.

Starting with some date nights / night away could be a good start. 

Edited by Dnaguy
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Posted

You need to get to therapy and that right quick.

I don't care if you have to roll through half a dozen sets of ears before you find one that will listen. 

She has already punched out. I know they tell us we're supposed to show our vulnerability and share our feelings with our significant other but it doesn't always work out well. It sucks but that's how it is sometimes. 

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Posted (edited)
16 minutes ago, Dnaguy said:


We’ve had sex a couple times since she’s healed up.

I guess I’m looking for us to be a team again…. Enjoy each other’s company.  Desire one another. I know that sounds stupid. I still find her very attractive. But when I give compliments, look at her naked, tell her how nice she looks, she almost recoils in a way…. Like Im a perve… in fairness I am, but she used to like that I was attracted to her.

Overall I think I want to feel valued. I’d like her to look at me like she used to before I had my mental health issues and before I lost my job. I just feel like because I showed any vulnerability that I’ve now lost face some way that I can’t earn back. Even though I have a better and more stable job, lost weight, got healthier, and am no longer in a constant state of depression I’ve shattered her image of me.

For her, I truly do not know what she wants. And that’s on me to an extend. I try to talk to her but she usually shuts things down, says she’s tired, and then goes to bed. When I've brought up that the her job may be causing health and anxiety issues she becomes super defensive and dismissive.

Starting with some date nights / night away could be a good start. 

Everything you want is perfectly normal and you shouldn’t feel negative about it in anyway. 

I think you know the answer is a real conversations and possibly couples counseling. I think it is commendable that you are searching for a way to bring your family back together, keep at it as long as you can. 

Also - maybe you should talk to a therapist on your own? I do that and it helps me a ton and i can use it as opportunity to form my own thoughts so that I can share them with my wife. 

Edited by hornbri
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Posted

@Dnaguy Just wanted to clarify that when I posted the link above, I wasnt trying to be an asshole suggesting you should file for divorce.  There truly is a lot advice in there about people going through similar things that you've posted above - not necessarily all ending in divorce.  Good luck!

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Posted

If you're in Austin I have some good marriage therapist recommendations. Surprising coming from a divorce attorney, but believe it or not, I don't root for marriages to fail. Especially ones with kids. 

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Posted
5 minutes ago, hornian said:

If you're in Austin I have some good marriage therapist recommendations. Surprising coming from a divorce attorney, but believe it or not, I don't root for marriages to fail. Especially ones with kids. 

not in Austin 

Know any in San Antonio?

Posted
11 minutes ago, hornian said:

If you're in Austin I have some good marriage therapist recommendations. Surprising coming from a divorce attorney, but believe it or not, I don't root for marriages to fail. Especially ones with kids. 

Abraham Lincoln has a quote out there about encouraging compromise as an attorney. That even with compromise, there’s still plenty of business. 
Or maybe it was Herbie Hancock. 

Posted
3 minutes ago, Kennythetiger said:

Abraham Lincoln has a quote out there about encouraging compromise as an attorney. That even with compromise, there’s still plenty of business. 
Or maybe it was Herbie Hancock. 

nah, Herbie Hancock was signing the Declaration of Independence.

Posted
39 minutes ago, Kennythetiger said:

Abraham Lincoln has a quote out there about encouraging compromise as an attorney. That even with compromise, there’s still plenty of business. 
Or maybe it was Herbie Hancock. 

I think you got your Abraham Lincoln quotes mixed up. 
 

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