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Posted

Been married 10+ years.

Have 2 kids.

Marriage had been in a rough patch for at least the past 2 years.

I was unemployed for a stretch in it. Lots of self loathing on my part and actual anger at me on her part. Dealt with some pretty bad anxiety and depression in there too. Thankfully I’m medicated and doing well now.

Wife also dealing with anxiety in addition to dealing with uterine fibroids that lead to > than a year of no sex and finally a hysterectomy…. Which lead to even more time without the deed.

In that time, we’ve drifted apart. Her job is super stressful and she literally spends her time in bed if she’s not working.

I just feel that we’re living separate lives outside of the kids. 
I know that counseling is the answer but it’s almost feels like… why? She doesn’t seem bothered by the current state of things. I mean, when I was going through my shit she was quick to tell me all the things I need to change and how I was fucking up. The one time I got fed up and my anger bubbled up, I said some pretty mean shit that I’ve apologized for but I can’t take it back.

Idk. It just feels like she’s willing to just go through the motions and I’m starting to ask the question if it’s really worth feeling like this for another 30-40 years. 
But I also don’t want to fuck up my kids by upending their lives 

Anyone else dealing with this or have experience in this kind of miasma?

 

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Posted

Is she on hormones after the hysterectomy? Do yall have an opportunity to take a vacation without the kids. Even a night away at a hotel would be a nice break. I know for my wife having she likes having something on the calendar to look forward to.

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Bevo said:

 

What are you looking for? Is everything still sex-less? What is she looking for? Would a long vacation help?


We’ve had sex a couple times since she’s healed up.

I guess I’m looking for us to be a team again…. Enjoy each other’s company.  Desire one another. I know that sounds stupid. I still find her very attractive. But when I give compliments, look at her naked, tell her how nice she looks, she almost recoils in a way…. Like Im a perve… in fairness I am, but she used to like that I was attracted to her.

Overall I think I want to feel valued. I’d like her to look at me like she used to before I had my mental health issues and before I lost my job. I just feel like because I showed any vulnerability that I’ve now lost face some way that I can’t earn back. Even though I have a better and more stable job, lost weight, got healthier, and am no longer in a constant state of depression I’ve shattered her image of me.

For her, I truly do not know what she wants. And that’s on me to an extend. I try to talk to her but she usually shuts things down, says she’s tired, and then goes to bed. When I've brought up that the her job may be causing health and anxiety issues she becomes super defensive and dismissive.

Starting with some date nights / night away could be a good start. 

Edited by Dnaguy
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Posted

You need to get to therapy and that right quick.

I don't care if you have to roll through half a dozen sets of ears before you find one that will listen. 

She has already punched out. I know they tell us we're supposed to show our vulnerability and share our feelings with our significant other but it doesn't always work out well. It sucks but that's how it is sometimes. 

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Posted (edited)
16 minutes ago, Dnaguy said:


We’ve had sex a couple times since she’s healed up.

I guess I’m looking for us to be a team again…. Enjoy each other’s company.  Desire one another. I know that sounds stupid. I still find her very attractive. But when I give compliments, look at her naked, tell her how nice she looks, she almost recoils in a way…. Like Im a perve… in fairness I am, but she used to like that I was attracted to her.

Overall I think I want to feel valued. I’d like her to look at me like she used to before I had my mental health issues and before I lost my job. I just feel like because I showed any vulnerability that I’ve now lost face some way that I can’t earn back. Even though I have a better and more stable job, lost weight, got healthier, and am no longer in a constant state of depression I’ve shattered her image of me.

For her, I truly do not know what she wants. And that’s on me to an extend. I try to talk to her but she usually shuts things down, says she’s tired, and then goes to bed. When I've brought up that the her job may be causing health and anxiety issues she becomes super defensive and dismissive.

Starting with some date nights / night away could be a good start. 

Everything you want is perfectly normal and you shouldn’t feel negative about it in anyway. 

I think you know the answer is a real conversations and possibly couples counseling. I think it is commendable that you are searching for a way to bring your family back together, keep at it as long as you can. 

Also - maybe you should talk to a therapist on your own? I do that and it helps me a ton and i can use it as opportunity to form my own thoughts so that I can share them with my wife. 

Edited by hornbri
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Posted

@Dnaguy Just wanted to clarify that when I posted the link above, I wasnt trying to be an asshole suggesting you should file for divorce.  There truly is a lot advice in there about people going through similar things that you've posted above - not necessarily all ending in divorce.  Good luck!

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Posted

If you're in Austin I have some good marriage therapist recommendations. Surprising coming from a divorce attorney, but believe it or not, I don't root for marriages to fail. Especially ones with kids. 

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Posted
5 minutes ago, hornian said:

If you're in Austin I have some good marriage therapist recommendations. Surprising coming from a divorce attorney, but believe it or not, I don't root for marriages to fail. Especially ones with kids. 

not in Austin 

Know any in San Antonio?

Posted
11 minutes ago, hornian said:

If you're in Austin I have some good marriage therapist recommendations. Surprising coming from a divorce attorney, but believe it or not, I don't root for marriages to fail. Especially ones with kids. 

Abraham Lincoln has a quote out there about encouraging compromise as an attorney. That even with compromise, there’s still plenty of business. 
Or maybe it was Herbie Hancock. 

Posted
3 minutes ago, Kennythetiger said:

Abraham Lincoln has a quote out there about encouraging compromise as an attorney. That even with compromise, there’s still plenty of business. 
Or maybe it was Herbie Hancock. 

nah, Herbie Hancock was signing the Declaration of Independence.

  • Haha 1
Posted
39 minutes ago, Kennythetiger said:

Abraham Lincoln has a quote out there about encouraging compromise as an attorney. That even with compromise, there’s still plenty of business. 
Or maybe it was Herbie Hancock. 

I think you got your Abraham Lincoln quotes mixed up. 
 

IMG_2030.jpeg

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Posted

DNA, @tigol has a menopause thread on here somewhere. I searched but couldn’t find it. Not sure if it’s because the search sucks or because everyone likes to be cute and put clever stupid fucking titles on threads. It wasn’t tigol’s thread to start with, but like Ruffian used to do on Shaggy she sort of took it over for a bit and gave some really good female points. I would suggest reading it when you have time, and the divorce thread too. Not everyone on the divorce thread wants to burn down their house with their wife in it- there’s some really good advice about staying together, too. 

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Posted
10 minutes ago, Kennythetiger said:

Not everyone on the divorce thread wants to burn down their house with their wife in it-

I'm not married but what about just burning down my house with me in it?

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Posted
22 minutes ago, Kennythetiger said:

DNA, @tigol has a menopause thread on here somewhere. I searched but couldn’t find it. Not sure if it’s because the search sucks or because everyone likes to be cute and put clever stupid fucking titles on threads. It wasn’t tigol’s thread to start with, but like Ruffian used to do on Shaggy she sort of took it over for a bit and gave some really good female points. I would suggest reading it when you have time, and the divorce thread too. Not everyone on the divorce thread wants to burn down their house with their wife in it- there’s some really good advice about staying together, too. 

I think this is the one. 

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Posted (edited)

@tigol probably has some good points. Women lose desire with hormonal changes and sometimes even have issues with pain if they don't get supplemental hormones. I assume some of it could be conditional also - what is the relationship between her parents like? Does she seem worn out with the kids also? Could she be depressed about other things? It isn't always something to do with the man and the man may not always be able to fix it. The point is to not blame yourself - and don't blame her - there are two people involved.

Edited by Bevo
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Posted

Nothing you described sounds like the marriage is completely beyond hope, so counseling seems like the obvious answer. Sometimes things just get off track and y’all have had some hard shit to deal with.

Does she sense that something is lacking? You need to have some straight conversations with each other, and let her know in a non-accusatory way that you want to improve things. Tell her you care about her and your combined happiness and the wellbeing of your family, and ask if she’s open to counseling.

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Posted (edited)
Quote

In that time, we’ve drifted apart. Her job is super stressful and she literally spends her time in bed if she’s not working.

This is a big problem. Why work a super stressful job, and be effectively miserable the rest of the time. If it’s to pay for the house and cars, the priorities are wrong. Or if the goal is to get the C-suite office, the stress isn’t going to ever drop.

i had a stressful job once where I only wanted to sleep when I wasn’t working. Looking back on it, what in the world was I doing wasting my life for that job?

Edited by Nice Guy Eddie
Posted (edited)
20 hours ago, hornian said:

ISurprising coming from a divorce attorney, but believe it or not, I don't root for marriages to fail. Especially ones with kids. 

I'll relay this story from my divorce attorney:

A long time ago he represented a guy who was convinced his wife was cheating on him, and he wanted to hire a private investigator to tail her.  So the attorney arranges for a PI, and sure enough, the PI photos the wife and her high school boyfriend walking out of a hotel.  The client confronts his wife with the photos, and she immediately breaks down crying, confesses, and begs for forgiveness.  The client tells this to his attorney and asks, "Now what should I do?"  The attorney says, "Maybe try forgiving her."  The client takes his advice, and my attorney says that every year on their anniversary the client texts him to let him know that he and his wife are still married and to thank him for the advice.  When my attorney told me that story he said it had been about 10 years since the affair, so that couple still kept going for a while.

My attorney told me that story during my divorce in the context of reconciliation, but he didn't push it, and if you know my harrowing take from the other thread, you understand why that couldn't happen.

I think a lot of divorce attorneys counsel the possibility of reconciliation, and that's a good thing.  But my hunch is that very few couples stay together after one of them hires a lawyer and/or files for divorce.  @hornian, any ballpark estimates on the percentage of your clients who reconcile?

Edited by South Austin
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Posted
12 hours ago, South Austin said:

 

I think a lot of divorce attorneys counsel the possibility of reconciliation, and that's a good thing.  But my hunch is that very few couples stay together after one of them hires a lawyer and/or files for divorce.  @hornian, any ballpark estimates on the percentage of your clients who reconcile?

It happens a couple of times a year. Of course, my firm now has 10 attorney and we handle over 100 divorces a year so... ~2%?

It might be more than that, but still in single digits. 

Another thing I've seen a number of times is spouses going through the divorce, then remarrying after a few years. 

Posted
On 4/21/2025 at 9:08 PM, hornian said:

Another thing I've seen a number of times is spouses going through the divorce, then remarrying after a few years. 

That seems like the worst of both worlds.  You pay for two lawyers, lose half your shit, and then end up back in the same awful place.

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Posted
8 hours ago, Ghost of NMAS said:

That seems like the worst of both worlds.  You pay for two lawyers, lose half your shit, and then end up back in the same awful place.

I didn’t say I advised it. 
 

But I do tell them to get a prenup the 2nd time. 

Posted (edited)
On 4/20/2025 at 1:14 PM, Dnaguy said:

Overall I think I want to feel valued. I’d like her to look at me like she used to before I had my mental health issues and before I lost my job. I just feel like because I showed any vulnerability that I’ve now lost face some way that I can’t earn back. Even though I have a better and more stable job, lost weight, got healthier, and am no longer in a constant state of depression I’ve shattered her image of me.

This hit way too close to home. 
 

good luck @Dnaguy  I’m on the same path at the moment and it fucking sucks. 
 

Keep trying to breakthru, but know that you deserve to be happy and mentally healthy in your life / marriage / home. I’m coming around to the idea that I’ll have to make drastic changes to get to that point, but I’m still figuring it out in real time. 
 

whatever the end result, kudos for working on yourself and making the effort. It can feel like slamming your head against a wall to make effort and see no change in circumstance, but it sounds like you know what you want. 

Edited by hookemATL
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Posted
It happens a couple of times a year. Of course, my firm now has 10 attorney and we handle over 100 divorces a year so... ~2%?
It might be more than that, but still in single digits. 
Another thing I've seen a number of times is spouses going through the divorce, then remarrying after a few years. 

Damn. I remember making your first cards. Just you and LJ right?
Posted
2 hours ago, hookemATL said:

This hit way too close to home. 
 

good luck @Dnaguy  I’m on the same path at the moment and it fucking sucks. 
 

Keep trying to breakthru, but know that you deserve to be happy and mentally healthy in your life / marriage / home. I’m coming around to the idea that I’ll have to make drastic changes to get to that point, but I’m still figuring it out in real time. 
 

whatever the end result, kudos for working on yourself and making the effort. It can feel like slamming your head against a wall to make effort and see no change in circumstance, but it sounds like you know what you want. 


I feel like i ride the wave of whatever happened at work and what the kids are up to.

But yesterday was good. She got home early. The kids were super cute which also put her in a good mood.

I saw an opening, laid on the compliments. I made dinner and Cleaned up…. Which led to me getting lucky

I mean, I’ll take the win. And I know there’s a lot more work to be done. But that was nice to get that break through.

Thanks to everyone who validated my post as it was cathartic just getting my feeling down ‘on paper’ so to speak. I’d have probably been in my head still and wouldn’t have tried.

Still doesn’t solve the issue of a ‘two way street’ part of the relationship and the distance that’s still there…. But I’m not going to bitch about finding water in the desert.

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Posted
3 hours ago, Dnaguy said:


I feel like i ride the wave of whatever happened at work and what the kids are up to.

But yesterday was good. She got home early. The kids were super cute which also put her in a good mood.

I saw an opening, laid on the compliments. I made dinner and Cleaned up…. Which led to me getting lucky

I mean, I’ll take the win. And I know there’s a lot more work to be done. But that was nice to get that break through.

Thanks to everyone who validated my post as it was cathartic just getting my feeling down ‘on paper’ so to speak. I’d have probably been in my head still and wouldn’t have tried.

Still doesn’t solve the issue of a ‘two way street’ part of the relationship and the distance that’s still there…. But I’m not going to bitch about finding water in the desert.

nice!  put a smile on my face reading this, hope at least the semi-good vibes continue🤘

Posted
7 hours ago, Handcruser said:


Damn. I remember making your first cards. Just you and LJ right?

We actually have 10 attorneys now. 
 

6 hours ago, Herbie Hancock said:


Little Jimmy? Dickens?!



Hornian and LJ?
d7440ef705864245281e765bab994f87.jpg

It’s actually Lil’Jordan. 

Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, hornian said:

We actually have 10 attorneys now. 
 

It’s actually Lil’Jordan. 

Obviously, if you have 10 employees now, he must have been impressive sticking it to Lil' Becky Beaver.

Edited by Bevo

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