Shit you have heard in a bar

[Longboard Horn 40318]

This thread definitely needs to be over here on surly. I saw two guys flipping a coin last night on who would pick up the tab.

[pops 6984]

"No"

[Longboard Horn 40318]

Guy walked into our place last night and tells our bartender "I'll have the usual Joseph." The guy next to him, "if the usual is good, I'll have what he's having."

[beer 3220]

In a restaurant/bar in Tampa walking to the restroom with my african-american son, guy at the bar screams "you need to eat more fucking watermelon and fired chicken so you can jump" at the TV.  Think it was TT/Villanova. 

[NOMAAA 1696]

1 minute ago, beer said:

In a restaurant/bar in Tampa walking to the restroom with my african-american son, guy at the bar screams "you need to eat more fucking watermelon and fired chicken so you can jump" at the TV.  Think it was TT/Villanova. 

having lived in tampa st pete for 9 months this hits close to home.  terrible people.

[NeverMarryAStripper 21905]

13 minutes ago, beer said:

In a restaurant/bar in Tampa walking to the restroom with my african-american son, guy at the bar screams "you need to eat more fucking watermelon and fired chicken so you can jump" at the TV.  Think it was TT/Villanova. 

His advice seems counterintuitive.  I would think more food would weigh you down so you can't jump.

[Jimbaround 975]

21 minutes ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

His advice seems counterintuitive.  I would think more food would weigh you down so you can't jump.

Racists aren't the brightest.

[Nuge 1968]

I bet he thinks they can hear him too.  Stupid Florida.

[twosheds 374]

They can hear you.  That's what the smart tv webcams are for.

[beer 3220]

8 hours ago, NOMAAA said:

having lived in tampa st pete for 9 months this hits close to home.  terrible people.

I'm assuming you left because it is as crowded as fucking manhattan in addition to being full of floridians

[Nolacycling 893]

"Anyone know when Cinco de Mayo is?"

[Art Vandelay 1712]

"What beers do you have on draft?" -- some dumb chick standing directly in front of the 5-6 taps at The Tavern.

[Nolacycling 893]

This is more of a pet peeve,  but I think the employee is stupid when I know a game is on tv and after I ask to watch it, they say, "what channel is it on?" Do people forget how to use a remote when they walk out their front door!?

[Al_4_ISU 12463]

At Billy Bob's in Ft. Worth about 10 years ago, and I notice that this chick who seems to be hitting on my buddy has a giant ring on.

I make a comment to him, and point to the ring.  It's so loud that I have to talk directly into his ear, but the bitch can tell what I'm getting at.  Over the roar of the music she screams while waving her hand and pointing at the ring "NOT MARRIED.  AGGY."

That's how I learned that Aggy wears class rings.  For college.

Edited March 28, 2018 by Al_4_ISU

[Nolacycling 893]

Al_4_ISU this for you. I visit Iowa each summer for family and RAGBRAI and its irksome when the bar staff/owner runs air conditioning @minimal level because the only purpose of ac is 'to take the humidity out of the air" 

[mycox 582]

Customer #1:  Can you close my tab?
Bartender: What's your name?

Customer #2:  Can you close my tab?
Bartender: What's your name?

Customer #3:  Can you close my tab?
Bartender: WHAT' IS YOUR FUCKING NAME PEOPLE?

It amazes me how many people try to close their tab wihtout saying their name.

 

 

[Al_4_ISU 12463]

7 hours ago, Nolacycling said:

Al_4_ISU this for you. I visit Iowa each summer for family and RAGBRAI and its irksome when the bar staff/owner runs air conditioning @minimal level because the only purpose of ac is 'to take the humidity out of the air" 

This didn’t happen at the Southside in Cresco by chance did it?

[WhatTheBuck 28779]

8 hours ago, Nolacycling said:

This is more of a pet peeve,  but I think the employee is stupid when I know a game is on tv and after I ask to watch it, they say, "what channel is it on?" Do people forget how to use a remote when they walk out their front door!?

I always know what channel the game I want to watch is on. I ask them to tune to a channel, not a game. There's a TV Guide app that you can download to your phone. That's if you didn't already know what channel the game was on before you walked out your front door. 

[Nolacycling 893]

12 hours ago, WhatTheBuck said:

I always know what channel the game I want to watch is on. I ask them to tune to a channel, not a game. There's a TV Guide app that you can download to your phone. That's if you didn't already know what channel the game was on before you walked out your front door. 

Yeah, I do it to protect myself, but I may know the iowa game is on the Big 10 network and not know what channel that is on their provider. Then they will scan endlessly through the channels looking for it. 

[Nolacycling 893]

13 hours ago, Al_4_ISU said:

This didn’t happen at the Southside in Cresco by chance did it?

Seems like everywhere, brother. 

[Al_4_ISU 12463]

4 minutes ago, Nolacycling said:

Seems like everywhere, brother. 

Damn.

I rode 4 days this year, and happen to live in Cresco (it was nice to sleep in my own bed).  I'd heard that the owner of one the bars in town refused to turn the AC on for RAGBRAI and people bailed and went to the other bars.  I was drinking in my yard, as we hosted a large group, so I missed it.

I honestly didn't go inside of that many bars on RAGBRAI this year.  Logged a shit ton of time at the Iowa Craft beer tent, and usually hit the outside beer gardens.

[RegularSizedRudy 36]

Bartender: Hello sir, what can I get you to drink?
Customer: I'll take a beer.
B: *staring back at customer waiting to be told what kind of beer*
C: *stares blankly back at bartender*
B: So you just want me to surprise you, or do you have a preference?
C: Oh...give me an Ultra

[RegularSizedRudy 36]

16 minutes ago, Nolacycling said:

Yeah, I do it to protect myself, but I may know the iowa game is on the Big 10 network and not know what channel that is on their provider. Then they will scan endlessly through the channels looking for it. 

The vast majority of sports bars will have Directv because its the only way for them to get NFL Sunday Ticket. I always tell them the network and the Directv channel number the game is on. If they have a different provider, then I don't mind them doing a little searching.

[Nolacycling 893]

I drink in dives, they have whatever they can steal.

Edited March 29, 2018 by Nolacycling

[lateshow 1304]

12 minutes ago, RegularSizedRudy said:

Bartender: Hello sir, what can I get you to drink?
Customer: I'll take a beer.
B: *staring back at customer waiting to be told what kind of beer*
C: *stares blankly back at bartender*
B: So you just want me to surprise you, or do you have a preference?
C: Oh...give me an Ultra

Wasn't that the plot of a dumb ass Red's Apple commercial?

[Nolacycling 893]

15 minutes ago, Al_4_ISU said:

Damn.

I rode 4 days this year, and happen to live in Cresco (it was nice to sleep in my own bed).  I'd heard that the owner of one the bars in town refused to turn the AC on for RAGBRAI and people bailed and went to the other bars.  I was drinking in my yard, as we hosted a large group, so I missed it.

I honestly didn't go inside of that many bars on RAGBRAI this year.  Logged a shit ton of time at the Iowa Craft beer tent, and usually hit the outside beer gardens.

We have some friends in common from Craft beer people. cresco, home of first female flight attendant. Congrats.

Edited March 29, 2018 by Nolacycling

[Al_4_ISU 12463]

1 minute ago, Nolacycling said:

We have some friends in common from Craft beer people.

If you stopped at the beer tent on Thursday morning this year, my MIL probably served you.

[DCA_HORN 725]

Bartender: Hello sir, what can I get you to drink?
Customer: I'll take a beer.
B: *staring back at customer waiting to be told what kind of beer*
C: *stares blankly back at bartender*
B: So you just want me to surprise you, or do you have a preference?
C: Oh...give me an Ultra

So he didn't really want a beer I guess.

[GhostRider 169]

17 minutes ago, DCA_HORN said:

33 minutes ago, RegularSizedRudy said:

Bartender: Hello sir, what can I get you to drink?
Customer: I'll take a beer.
B: *staring back at customer waiting to be told what kind of beer*
C: *stares blankly back at bartender*
B: So you just want me to surprise you, or do you have a preference?
C: Oh...give me an Ultra

So he didn't really want a beer I guess.

He should have just held out for the surprise.

[Vertigo 20283]

29 minutes ago, Al_4_ISU said:

If you stopped at the beer tent on Thursday morning this year, my MIL probably served you.

She served me multiple times IYKWIM

[RegularSizedRudy 36]

55 minutes ago, GhostRider said:

He should have just held out for the surprise.

It is Longview though, so I'd have been shocked if he ordered anything besides ultra or bud light. I need to move out of this shit-hole town.

[Guitarman 28]

Drinking with a female friend last night in downtown Houston  when a drunk douche and his girl park themselves by us.  He gets way too chatty with my friend and ignores his girl who is stone cold sober.  He never talks to me.  It's clear this is an internet date going badly...for her. Suddenly he annouces he's buying all of us shots. I don't need a shot. I've had essentially an entire bottle of wine. (Portillo malbec, which was good). But i want to be a good sport so i drink it. I slam it down. He sips it making some excuse.  He  quizzes my friend about her employer.  His date is a teacher. Then he asks if there are openings because he's been out of a job for a while. The look on that poor girl's face. And yeah the teacher picked up the shot tab too.  

Edited March 31, 2018 by Guitarman

[WhatTheBuck 28779]

Pics of female friend? Pics of teacher? Pics of ensuing three-way optional. That is how the evening ended, isn't it?

[blacklab 11928]

"You need to stay sober, we are going to church"

[PhillyD 1257]

3 hours ago, blacklab said:

"You need to stay sober, we are going to church"

This is awesome

[Buzzrock 14920]

Our beach rental is 100 yards from a pretty solid liquor store / dive / biker bar. I’ve only made one trip (about a half hour ago) and the cashier was speaking voice to text to his phone, “He got his ass kicked so I wouldn’t put him on the job tonight.”

There was a guy in the corner doing a rather poor job of hiding a massive shiner with a doo rag.

I’m expecting good things this week.

[Guitarman 28]

17 hours ago, WhatTheBuck said:

Pics of female friend? Pics of teacher? Pics of ensuing three-way optional. That is how the evening ended, isn't it?

Nah. That teacher, who was from Arkansas, looked like Paula Jones. I ended up at some honky tonk drinking straight kettel one. 

[Jim Tom Pinch 120]

On 3/29/2018 at 11:04 AM, Nolacycling said:

We have some friends in common from Craft beer people. cresco, home of first female flight attendant. Congrats.

Pretty sure she still flies for American

[Buzzrock 14920]

As blondo peels out of the parking lot of aforementioned dive bar in a drop top t-bird with no lights on: “She’s drunk. I seen her earlier.”

You don’t say.

[Stunns38 3460]

This happened a while back and I could have sworn I saw someone post it on our former site.

Random guy at bar talking to his friend. “When you fuck a girl in the ass, you have the upper hand but when you come in her ass, you own her soul”. He said it loudly and there were some pissed off female bystanders. Lulz


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Longboard Horn 40318]

Customer: “what liquor is in your patron margarita?”

Me: “patron....”

[lateshow 1304]

On 3/31/2018 at 11:25 PM, Stunns38 said:

This happened a while back and I could have sworn I saw someone post it on our former site.

Random guy at bar talking to his friend. “When you fuck a girl in the ass, you have the upper hand but when you come in her ass, you own her soul”. He said it loudly and there were some pissed off female bystanders. Lulz


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

The guy makes an excellent point. 

[beer 3220]

On 3/29/2018 at 10:52 AM, RegularSizedRudy said:

Bartender: Hello sir, what can I get you to drink?
Customer: I'll take a beer.
B: *staring back at customer waiting to be told what kind of beer*
C: *stares blankly back at bartender*
B: So you just want me to surprise you, or do you have a preference?
C: Oh...give me an Ultra

I feel it is completely OK to walk into an Irish pub and ask for a pint and expect to get a stout.

[TornACL 7698]

On ‎3‎/‎29‎/‎2018 at 10:52 AM, RegularSizedRudy said:

Bartender: Hello sir, what can I get you to drink?
Customer: I'll take a beer.
B: *staring back at customer waiting to be told what kind of beer*
C: *stares blankly back at bartender*
B: So you just want me to surprise you, or do you have a preference?
C: Oh...give me an Ultra

My dad started doing this all the time when we'd go to dinner and it drove me crazy.

Except when the bartender or waiter asked what kind of beer, he would seriously say "...a COLD beer".

Then I'd have to jump in and tell the staff "goddamnit, just get him a Shiner Bock"

[TornACL 7698]

On ‎3‎/‎28‎/‎2018 at 1:58 PM, mycox said:

Customer #1:  Can you close my tab?
Bartender: What's your name?

Customer #2:  Can you close my tab?
Bartender: What's your name?

Customer #3:  Can you close my tab?
Bartender: WHAT' IS YOUR FUCKING NAME PEOPLE?

It amazes me how many people try to close their tab wihtout saying their name.

 

 

A sign of a really good bartender is not having to give them your name again after your first order.

I get it if you're in a super popular huge place they're not going to remember everyone, but if you're in a neighborhood joint and you have to tell the bartender your name after every round, that bartender is lazy as fuck.

[Buzzrock 14920]

“See?? You just make shit up in your own head! Just because I did some stupid shit on Facebook!”

One drunk girl to another just now in a PCB beach bar.

[Art Vandelay 1712]

1 hour ago, beer said:

I feel it is completely OK to walk into an Irish pub and ask for a pint and expect to get a stout.

Username checks out.

[RollLeft 5044]

On 3/27/2018 at 10:31 AM, beer said:

In a restaurant/bar in Tampa walking to the restroom with my african-american son, guy at the bar screams "you need to eat more fucking watermelon and fired chicken so you can jump" at the TV.  Think it was TT/Villanova. 

[irishtexan 11518]

I feel it is completely OK to walk into an Irish pub and ask for a pint and expect to get a stout.

So you’re the guy in the post?

The bartender likely disagrees with you.

[Elvis Presto 21]

I ordered a red bull vodka once and the surly bartender said "how about a gin and gatorade"?  I was like wtf if that even a thing?  He said nah but its better than a RB vodka and we dont have RB.  I was somewhat amused.