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Shit you have heard in a bar

Longboard Horn

By Longboard Horn
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Guitarman

Guitarman 28

Posted
Posted

"I knew it!!!" Followed by "that's it; I'm calling the cops!!"

A white girl with half an arm screaming at her white boyfriend who was hitting on a black chica sitting next to me. 10 minutes later, confrontation and a take out box splattering all over my drink and arm. Ranch dressing. Yumm.  not so bad.  That's when the half arm girl said she was calling the cops. 10 minutes later 4 occifers descend on my lonely area of the bar and talk to the one armed bar fairy. The paddy waggon shows up. Let's see if I get a discount.

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TornACL

TornACL 7698

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Guitarman said:

"I knew it!!!" Followed by "that's it; I'm calling the cops!!"

A white girl with half an arm screaming at her white boyfriend who was hitting on a black chica sitting next to me. 10 minutes later, confrontation and a take out box splattering all over my drink and arm. Ranch dressing. Yumm.  not so bad.  That's when the half arm girl said she was calling the cops. 10 minutes later 4 occifers descend on my lonely area of the bar and talk to the one armed bar fairy. The paddy waggon shows up. Let's see if I get a discount.

Are you taking advantage of the April $1 margaritas at Applebee's, by any chance? 

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Stoogey

Stoogey 219

Posted
Posted

An after shit you have heard in a bar story,

Busted for underage drinking in 1975. Shared the bullpen with two elderly drunk black gentlemen. One was wearing an old brown chalkstripe suit and a light grey fedora. The other guy was in a torn blue suit.

Chalkstripe is slowly reading the graffiti and gets to "Pink Floyd was here." Blue suit: "Pink Floyd? Oh shit no."

 Cracked me up. 

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El Diablo

El Diablo 4232

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, Stoogey said:

An after shit you have heard in a bar story,

Busted for underage drinking in 1975. Shared the bullpen with two elderly drunk black gentlemen. One was wearing an old brown chalkstripe suit and a light grey fedora. The other guy was in a torn blue suit.

Chalkstripe is slowly reading the graffiti and gets to "Pink Floyd was here." Blue suit: "Pink Floyd? Oh shit no."

 Cracked me up. 

Reminds me of my overnight stay around '77, it was quite an assortment of folks in the day room/dining hall. One guy was in for shoplifting, he'd gone into K-Mart and tried on a pair of boots and tried to walk out without paying for them. Old black guy who was clearly not at his first rodeo expanded my mind a bit, I'd never heard the term "crib" before. He kept the key to his crib in his mouth. Like some people keep a dip of Skoal in their mouth all the time, that's how he kept track of his house key. Said he'd get drunk and lose it otherwise. 

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Stoogey

Stoogey 219

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Posted
15 hours ago, El Diablo said:

... it was quite an assortment of folks in the day room/dining hall. 

Someone tried to change the channel on the TV (pre-remote control / cable days) from The Price Is Right and a big fight broke out. Those fuckers knew the vacuum cleaner was more expensive than the Rice-A-Roni.  

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hullabelew

hullabelew 3724

Posted
Posted (edited)

This was on Thursday.  Amy, the bartender answers the phone.  I can feel here pain.  After she hangs up, I find out the conversation.

Caller:  Is today Wednesday?
Amy:  No, today is Thursday
Caller:  Oh, well the special yesterday was blackened chicken alfredo.  I would like that.
Amy: That was Wednesday's special.  As we discussed earlier, today is Thursday.  Thursday's special is Pot Roast.  Hence, Pot Roast Thursday.  It's a thing.
Caller:  Can you go in to the kitchen and see if they have any of Wednesday's special left over?
Amy:  No.

I love Amy.  

Edited by hullabelew
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Trey3216

Trey3216 15346

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27 minutes ago, hullabelew said:

This was on Thursday.  Amy, the bartender answers the phone.  I can feel here pain.  After she hangs up, I find out the conversation.

Caller:  Is today Wednesday?
Amy:  No, today is Thursday
Caller:  Oh, well the special yesterday was blackened chicken alfredo.  I would like that.
Amy: That was Wednesday's special.  As we discussed earlier, today is Thursday.  Thursday's special is Pot Roast.  Hence, Pot Roast Thursday.  It's a thing.
Caller:  Can you go in to the kitchen and see if they have any of Wednesday's special left over?
Amy:  No.

I love Amy.  

Having worked in the business a long time, it never ceases to amaze me the level of pure stupidity that exists in 'Merica.  

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hullabelew

hullabelew 3724

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Same bar a couple of weeks ago.  Some drunk and high customer.    He told the bartender he would pick up my tab.  Unbeknownst to him, I had lunch there, had bought several shots at lunch....then had returned for an afternoon session.  

I handed Amy my credit card...she pushed it back and said, "Dipshit said put your tab on his."  I gave her $40 and told her if it went to shit, to let me know.  Never heard anything after that.  

Anyway, that drunk fucker actually uttered the following.

"Either someone farted or that food smells really good."  

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Steel Shank

Steel Shank 9424

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9 hours ago, hullabelew said:

Same bar a couple of weeks ago.  Some drunk and high customer.    He told the bartender he would pick up my tab.  Unbeknownst to him, I had lunch there, had bought several shots at lunch....then had returned for an afternoon session.  

I handed Amy my credit card...she pushed it back and said, "Dipshit said put your tab on his."  I gave her $40 and told her if it went to shit, to let me know.  Never heard anything after that.  

Anyway, that drunk fucker actually uttered the following.

"Either someone farted or that food smells really good."  

Hell fuckin'yeah.

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Stoogey

Stoogey 219

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Posted
9 hours ago, hullabelew said:

"Either someone farted or that food smells really good."  

That is why if you have to fart at Chicago O'Hare Terminal 5, head for the most Persian-looking group. 

They think someone is cooking; everyone else thinks it is them.

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Guest Lobo

Guest Lobo

Posted
Posted

Last night at Irene's:  "Muslim women wear burkas because it keeps them cool."  I asked her, "Then why is it black, not breathable, and made of thick material?"

And if black and covering your face is such a good idea, why don't the men do it?  

 

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Trey3216

Trey3216 15346

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Buddy of mine years ago was absolutely smashed at a bar.  He’s one of those types who’s a really good country dancer and what have you. Some girl walks up to him and says “I hear you’re a really good dancer!” 

His reply: “You should see me do the vertical mambo”

 

me and another buddy’s jaws hit the floor shortly before we did laughing at his dumbass 

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RegularSizedRudy

RegularSizedRudy 36

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Two guys sitting next to each other talking about how big of a scumbag Urban Meyer is.

The wife of one of the guys chimes in: "She called the police on him how many times? It sounds to me like its her fault for not leaving him. Why should the head coach be fired because she keeps putting herself in that situation?" 

Thought at first she had to be an Ohio St fan. Nope; Auburn fan.

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PittsburghTiger

PittsburghTiger 6181

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Posted
On 3/29/2018 at 11:52 AM, RegularSizedRudy said:

Bartender: Hello sir, what can I get you to drink?
Customer: I'll take a beer.
B: *staring back at customer waiting to be told what kind of beer*
😄 *stares blankly back at bartender*
B: So you just want me to surprise you, or do you have a preference?
😄 Oh...give me an Ultra

So he decided against a Bier.

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