I've seen the ants. They have a good time.

[CooterBrown 18089]

Jimmy is cummin'.

I'm cleaning up the exported text and linked images. I will post the entire Ad Hulk thread here when I am done.

 

[CooterBrown 18089]

·        01-25-2016, 09:19 PM

CooterBrown

Ad Hawk. It's Latin for Incredible Hulk

This thread is for the philosophical muses and life lessons of Jimmy, my potentially retarded, functional alcoholic employee.

A bit of background, he's a 43 year old, ex-PC tech. When I was hired to build my department, my VP highly encouraged me to hire Jimmy to a full-time role. He'd been an IT contractor at my company for a few years. Being new, I reluctantly agreed. That VP was later fired and escorted from the building. Jimmy remains.

Jimmy drinks at least a 12-pack of Frio Beer a day. If he's not at work, he's drunk. Usually, he's drunk and fishing or hunting. He likes shooting crossbows and recreational welding. He listens Celine Dion and the Insane Clown Posse. He loves Fox News and Info Wars but doesn't really understand any current issues.

·        01-25-2016, 09:20 PM

CooterBrown

Stick that in your ear and use a Q-tip!

Youth and vinegar

John Dravolta

Open up a postal on someone.

Gingervitis

cotostaphic

Fleetwood Fox

Steven Tyler = Michael Mike

Young and sprite.

God put animals here to pleasure us.

Barack Obama = Brock Bahma

Spit it, don't spray it

Judge his actions by his face!

It has everything under the kitchen sink!

It ain't got no major sigmatures.

What is ambionic fluid?

I don't like that pumkinickel bread!

You're pressing buttons that your body can't cash.

Four score and seven years ago our fore fathers set aside a buncha land.

State of the ark television.

Dear mariachi band - play me a song that I don't understand.

"Step into a Slim-Jim!" (Because then you can eat it from the inside out.)

Why is there no plural for "geeses"?

Play me a song, Tamborine Man... or is it carpet man?

laverish

alpha-muneric

uchimon

then the line does a dog hair left. (dog hair = dog leg)

I have a photogenic memory.

Ryan Seacrest is making fist over money!

lomf= piss on myself laughing

starting with this past physical year...

Tina: Jimmy, you can't!
Jimmy: Oh no I can!

Trial by error

escape goat (when someone is in trouble, they ride an escape goat away to freedom)

Maybe I'm just looking at the other side of the apple. (look at the other side of the coin?)

Good job cutting the body of the snake off. Now we just have to find out where the head's at. 

I emailed Glue......uuuh........Elmer. I keep wanting to call him Elmo.

Greg: "Jimmy, what was your mom's name before she was your mother?"
Jimmy: "sister"

Time flies by like it’s standing still

I had to put my gloves on (makes “earmuffs” gesture)

I needed help getting in to the whatchamacallit (the building)

"Mediums (medians) in the road"

My dad went over right during the hype of Vietnam. 

I was just playing it forward. 

The Physical (Fiscal) Cliff

Did you use your scroll mouse?

I used some of my learned new technological "Linguo"

Heeeeeey Guy, how are you doing?

Getting pulled over for a D-Y-E (DUI)

the Jimmy pre-proposal: "tell you what. You get yourself a job, I'll marry you up."

"Dreaded memories"

"That was high times back then" (high tech)

"I bettered it up"

"Nip it in the butt"

"I'd like to buy that whole 'Friends' trilogy on DVD."

"Whole kitten caboodle"

"In the Phillipines, they speak Spanish"
"I was like, are they in Mexico with this big ole alligator?"

Becca- "How many work orders are in that box?"
Jimmy- "20 at least. If not less."

"He was being honoraryed" (honored)

"My face is gonna verify your fist!"

"It's already been vacationed" (verified)

"And that Michael Moore (Oher) plays for the Ravens. He was in that movie Blind Sight"

I been taking Nite quil before I go to bed.

Hold on, he'll be back in three shakes of a raccoon's tail. 

"You don't want your kid to become a slush"

"They found an English king (Richard III) buried under some parking lot. I didn't even know they had parking lots back then."

"He drives a Nissan Maximum"

"That standoff ended between that guy and that child."

"don't think I won't open up a can of postal on someone" 

"Those wings right there will make a vegetarian turn to meat."

"I like those big ole horses. I want to hug one."

"You're going to a lunch-in (luncheon)? Why don't they call it a lunch-out?"

Jimmy - "Now with having this fantasy chair, I am going to have to hold my pinky out when I mouse. I am FANTASY NOW!!;)"
Scott - "You mean fancy?"

"Stavester Stallone"

That's where they filmed True Grits.

He was more of a face figure. (figure head)

I thought the song was "Take me Back to The Ballgame"

"Guatamauler"

Ya know... things you never see: "Last Baptist Church"

Greg - "Jimmy, are you busy?"
Jimmy- "I'm never busy enough for you, Greg."

"I got all kinds of crazy wisdom"

That really tweaks my melon. (alternately, that really chaps my melon)

"I'm gonna go off the limb here"

"They didn't understand the percussions of what they were doing" (repercussions)

"Shashimi... SamEYE... ...Sammy?" "Mooya, Mooeymay" "Shindler" "Shamimi" "Shershrimi" "Mushiwa"

Listen, superchief.

"The de-millerized zone"

"Even his mustache looks like a frown"

"I hope I don't get struck by my own lightning for sayin' this..."

Jimmy - I like the 90's
Becca - I've never heard of them.
Jimmy - They were an error....urrrr....ear-or (era)

Indie...I thought that was going to be Indian music.

Scratching has now involved into dubstep. 

The park is hoppin and skipping and jump away from me 

I've seen the ants. They have a good time.

I'm just a gentle giant

nazi chupaloopa

You know what... one of these days, this right here [motions to self] is gonna be right.

Scott: my friend's baby's middle name is Cole. Can anyone guess who he's named after?
Jimmy: CharCoal?

There's only one China right? If they went against us, that would put some serious giddyup in our hitch. 

Doesn't a leprechaun say "Matey"?

Greggy Greggy Greggy can't you see? Something rather about me. 

Becca! You're going to New York! I'm going to need you to bring something back for me. The Eiffel Tower. 

I can't wait for Jengo (Django) to come out. That's gonna be a good one. 

I saw her in my perferal vision. 

Presidents of the United States "Peaches" cover - Gonna buy a lot of peaches, run them to the factory. It's gonna be so good, when I eat those peaches. I like the peaches from a can. Those are the good ones. 

Jimmy - "Did you see that little toast in the kitchen? It looks like hobbit toast."
Scott - "You mean the Melba toast?"

"Is Raffi for stoners?"

Is that old Quiet Riot song called "Bang Your Head" or "Raise Your Hands"?

That dog is called a Bull Massive.

Who needs a stupid banner? Except Bruce Banner.

I'll eat cold slaw, but I hate Mayonnaise with a passion. 

Meg Ryan is sort of a twinkerbell.

Nissan Almorado (Armada)

*Imaginary phone rings* - Chello? Cholo? No, YOLO.

Aren't you glad that humans don't sniff each other's butts like dogs?

Don't politicize (patronize) me.

She's too pretty for a goobertron like him.

gonna be a baller, shock collar.....chaka khan? Who Sings that Jimmy? "Kid Rap".

You lost me at hello.

"We need the as built so that we can tell where the pipe actually goes. It's like if I had a mosquito bite on my leg. You couldn't find it unless I showed it to you."

Egypt sure did have a lot of Bibulotical plagues. (Later changed to "bibolobical")

Aren't you tired of out to eat food?

refried beans: I don't understand that... can't they just fry them once?

Was that their only hit wonder?

He was playing some serious air guitar and steering wheel guitar. 

"I don't want to have to look through a bunch of babies to find the PDF I need" (Meaning a parent/child data hierarchy)

"Let me show you the ampletheater over here."

"You need to think way in the head" (ahead)

You're just trying to keep up with the Simpsons (Jones').

Actual Rose (Axl Rose)

I would need to put a drastic measure in for situations. 

Scott: Do you want to know where the word "assasin" comes from?
Jimmy: "Assasination."

Yokie from Okie (Okie from Muskogee)

Hey now, I'm an all star...something. 

I can't do that, not with Greg breathing down my throat.

There's one for the Kipper.
One for the Kipper, two for the show.

That's automatically popalated. 

Matthew Mcconaughey has gotten leathier. 

When they wire your jaw shut, are you going to be able to laugh? (laughs with teeth clenched)

our forefathers used to live in the ocean until some of them decided to come out an live on the land 

It would be so cool if monkeys could talk

"What happened to that cleaner guy? Jack Brown Cleaner? .......Mr Clean!"

Jimmy: Who is Bono?
Scott: The singer from U2.
Jimmy: The singer from Youtube?

I'm not just an IT expert, I'm also a customer. (referring to Hair Club for Men commercial)

Kind of like N-Double C-P...........N-C Double A.........NCA........N-A-A-C-P. I just don't like them.

What do they eat in London?......You know what they call a quarter pounder? A Royale with Cheese.......metric system.

Becca, When you're in London, make sure you close your windows at night cause Peter Pan is flying around.

Do they speak English in England? American English? What about in Britain? 

I'm looking for fish and wildlife refugee data. 

"Erroneous.....is that like a wrong? I can't say that while I'm drunk because it'll just come out like rice-a-ronious or something like that."

That's when your MANtality really changes. 

I went dumpster diving again. There were no bricks, but there were fenceplanks and that's what you make those orodomic (adirondack) chairs from.

I'm as hungry as a catfish on a full moon. Now that's hungry, buddy.

I just figured out why Kim Kardashian and Kanye West named their baby North and West. Or was it North and South? It's cause his last name is West. 

It was one of those little dogs..........uh.......jo keeta Taco Bell.

Scott - "Isle is short for (gets interrupted)"
Jimmy - Israel. 

Clayton = "Ole C man"

You know what really chaps my melon?

I'll be there in two shakes of a lambs tail.

I need a three letter word with the letters M, G, U, and D.

He was there with some of his gay members? (friends)

Oh man, I'd like to hug me one.(a bear)

Oh, speaking of that (the fact that there are 24 hours a day), I've got a Dr. Appointment today. Now I'm gonna throw up. 

Chaquita Taco Bell.

I got little nougats (nuggets) of info on everything.

I've got a hint of aboriginy. 

Poison cakes. (case and point)

Jimmy - "I'm having one of those....mind....thingies"
Bryan - "A thought?"

Figgo.....faygo....fromo....frio!

His also name is.....Willard. 

Southwest got a new football team cause I moved there. They wanted me to throw out the first football at their game. 

In general, it's better to be a pleasant looking girl than an ugly one.

Peanut M&M's. Mouth to mouth. 1980.

I retort my last statement... retwert? redact? ...redactyl!

I'm as hungry as a frog that just came out of hibernation.

The chairs were all delopsized

Cadillac converter

Jimmy: (holding a socket) this thing's in inches
Scott: what kind is it?
Jimmy: metric

Crouching lion, hiding tiger. Crouching lion, sleeping tiger. Sleeping lion, tiger hiding. 

Anyway, I wasn't being patronistic. I was just using an accent.

The only reason I want the Baltimore Ravens to win is bcuz they have Michael Moore on their team.

Aww sweet, that was like butter to my ears.

Jimmy: Becca, are you going to see the tar pits in L.A.?
Scott: She's not going to L.A.
Jimmy: Whatever, Los Angeles.

"Heary Heary!" (hear ye, hear ye!)

I'm sad that I'm not happy

Is it a electric guitar or a synthetic?

If I was Donna, not Donna Donna, but Donna......

I was dropping in the toilet bowl like nobody's business. People were having to wear earmugs it was so loud. (playing basketball)

It was 12.5 laps, which is 12 and a half laps.

"Is it because he died before resumes were invented?" (Trying to figure out a Jimi Hendrix "Are you Experienced" joke)

Wanna hear something funny that happened to me this morning when I thought I was awake but I wasn't? I was asleep.

Space age, that's technology.

I was just driving and got caught in a funeral session. 

Not everything that comes out of my head is genius

He thought I went over the other way, but he was un-fer-sure about that.

Fred Derks............Derks and Dunn, There's some guy out there named Derks.

J: Paul, how's the add hawk stuff coming?
Scott: It's ad hoc.
J: It's add hawk.
Scott: No, it's ad hoc. It's Latin.
J: It's Latin for Incredible Hulk.

One time me and Dylan were coming down the stairs, coming from upstairs and going down...you know, going downstairs. 

There was a rumor that if you died in a dream, you died in real life, cause your heart would stop. So I had to wake up to see if I was still alive. 

When I become the vegetarian I probably aren't going to bbq as much 

Paulo A Creed? (Apollo Creed)

She's got a can too attitude. If there's one thing I could change about her, it would be nothing.

My eyes need a little closin'.

Sam is learning stuff in health, and....you know......scrotum.

Jimmy - I've learned my lesson.
Scott - And that was?
Jimmy - I don't remember.

It was old time ago.

I thought about a bicycle a couple days ago. Then the thought went away.

J - I coulda swore that Mighty Python (Monty Python) was a wrestler. 
Greg - No, it was a British comedy troupe. 
J - Are they English, or British?

It's not like 30 miles away. More like 20 miles, maybe 30.

Three throws....free throws......those are spooky cause everybody's watching you.

Bryan - I didn't know what to expect when I went to see the first Hunger Games movie because I didn't read the books.
J - You just thought everybody was gonna be hungry?

I heard one of the Kardashians real dad might be Oak J.

It was the 50th anniversary of last week.

Can vampires see in the dark? 

Kim Jong Un = "Choo Come Long Long. Nope. Nope."

J "How cold do you think it is outside?"
S "A little under 50"
J "Really? I thought it would be in the 40's"

Becca "What's a tic?"
Jimmy "Tock"

S: What's in that vapor?
J: PG
S: What's PG?
J: Plutonium grain

"Vampirates"

This Mason Mandella guy... his funeral would be the best time to do a terrorist act.

(When telling a story about working in IT) - "We were excited cause, you know.....computers"

(When telling Mina he could help set up her email alerts) - "Just go ahead and dig in to this nasty mind right here"

I've only done this once before...this is the first time I've ever done this"

And I'm not even trying. Which is unattentional.

That way I can crank up my Selena Dion and ya'll can't hear it. 

The poles are supposed to shift next month or something. 

S- What's the time difference between here and Hawaii?
J- It's Ocean Time there.

S- "That's like me asking you what the best rocket fuel is"
J- "Ethan....L.....Feet.......100% E.Coli"

I want to get (invent) me an umbrella. It'd look goofy til people saw it.

Jimmy: I wonder if they've invented that yet.
Bryan: what? the umbrella?
Jimmy: yeah

J- I'm not from the 70's, man.
S- What year were you born?
J- 1972.
S- That's right in the middle of the 70's!
J- But I didn't listen to any music then.
S- That is a really popular song
J- Not if I haven't heard it

I heard this was Glee's final caesar or something. They've jumped the shark super bad. 

There's two of these, and they have the same name. One is called clean and the other is called dirty. (bar mat shots)

J - Hey, Scott Dog.
S - Yeah?
J - I don't know.

J - Scottrnator, did you ever find your ring?
S - Nope.
J - Where did you leave it?

J - I wrote that because I have that song stuck in my head.
Susan - What song?
J - I don't know

J - Hey Bryan, do you know where Mark is?
B - I think he's in Dallas.
J - Neither do I.

That Message was brought to you by Jimmy in his seat. I was sitting down. 

I might not drink myself into a stupor, but maybe into the pooper. Because I might throw up. 

Sometimes I laugh myself hard. 

If that Mars Rover found some aliens, they could put some guys in that permafrost sleep and send 'em up there. 

H.R. Puffingstuff

Elaine Bengenerous (Ellen Degeneres)

I brought it to his attention which therefore made him think about it. 

That sounds like the song from Brother Where Ow Thou.............Brother, Where's my car. 

I just find chopsticks to be very....majesticle. 

But then I did my detective brain and it turns out that's not true. 

I didn't say she was allergic...I said she has allergies to it. 

Jimmy - "If I was a cop, I'd be a rogue cop"
Scott - "You're a rogue human!"
Jimmy - "I drive a Nissan Rogue"

Tomorrow, it's going to be colder in Austin than it is in Georgetown for the first time since we moved there. It's cause the Norther is coming in from the South.

It's a free flowing river out my mouth. 

J- George H.W. Bush. The H stands for Hogwarts? What's the W? 
S- it's Walker
J- W is for Walker? Like Texas Walker......Walker Texas. 

El Pollo Rico = "El Polian Dynamite"

"Come on, come on, come on, come be a chameleon" - to the tune of Karma Chameleon

Why do they call it sourdough? Is it cause it has sour cream in it?

What do you wanna do? We could play pinochle, but I don't know how to play that.

I'm not here for your funny time amusing

Something or rather

You're gonna put some spice in some lives

Don't be a negative.....Karen (Negative Nancy)

(Security question) - What was your first pet's name?
J- Dog.
-What was your first girlfriends name?
J- I'm gonna put Tina with a lower case t.


(after singing Hakuna Matata wrong) 
Theology.......Biology.......same thing

You know, sometimes I wonder if dogs from different countries can understand each other. 

A burn is pain leaving the body.

Sherri: What's going on, Jimmy?
J: Aww not much, I've got a headache the size of a walnut. 

He's probably got a great look on outlife. 

Scott- "Does anyone want the rest of this Coke? I just poured half of it in my cup." 
Jimmy - "No thanks, I'm all Coked out."

You know I will do it big-big

Question everything. Prove nothing.

I'm mostly human, the rest of me is water

S: Name a country in the United Kingdom
J: Europe.

ET Phone home. There's cake on my finger.

I bought a plaintain once. I thought it was a banana type banana. 

I realized that Han Solo is actually Woody Harolson Ford.

Off like a tree I go

I don't get to talk in complete sentences much.

J - What kind of music do they have there?
S - All kinds
J - Like rock music?
S - Yeah, all kinds of music
J - Like Risky Business music?

It was a new born, meaning it was newly born

I need to get this fixed because I'm so far under water on it, I stopped breathing.

I had a leg full of pissed off squirrel

DOOK-A-DOOK-A-DOOK-A (thinking sounds)

He was recording with one of those goat pro cameras.

Lately, I've been sort of URRRRRRGH.

Man, what if you were at the beach and somebody throws you a sweet ass 40? (talking about a flip flop bottle opener)

ballbaric (barbaric)

His name was Fred, but we called him Bob for short.

Hey Bryan, hither here for a second.

I made your banana stand up. 

Hey, I'm always apologenic. 

Sam has been working out, so he's getting taller

Give me a wordage

Scott: What does the "SS" stand for in Hitler's regime?
Jimmy: "Minnow!"

She must have been on stooms

Becca: "What's North of Crestview?"
Jimmy: "The Pole!"

Would you consider a bird to be an animal?

Bob Seger Mellencamp
John "Seagull" Mellencamp
John "Squirrel" Mellencamp
John "Alligator" Mellencamp
John "Papoose" Mellencamp

Poker dots

You need to talk to my other brother in law who's a realister.

What if someone is just an innocent bystandard?

I don't mean to rain on your bubble.

Don't make any loud moves. 

You go to school to crop pictures? I might wanna do that.

Good thing the clocks on our computers are still working, or else we'd be stuck in time. 

Hey, you know my brother Vicky, right?

Becca: I have icing in my hair.
Jimmy: They should make flavored conditioner.

I need to eat at that Human (Hunan) Lion place one day.

You're pescatarian? Is that a religion?

I saw that new Hobbit movie, the one that just got out.

They had Michael Jackson in hollergrafic. 

What's purple?

It has pananorama, too (talking about his camera)

There's so many things I do here on the spear of the moment!

Why isn't Pluto not a planet not no more?

They used to have Quaker State oatmeal stocked in the cabinets.

I got all doodied up

I put both feet forward

Her name is Amber, an easy way to remember it is Amber Alert

She plays with volleyball

J- "I missed you guys at my house yesterday"
s- "You didn't invite us"
J- "Yeah but I missed you anyways"

Would you consider a bird to be an animal?

Condiment is a fancy word

I got a pouch for waterproofness

S- "You don't know your wifes phone number?"
J- "I know her phone number....it's Tina"

S- "My Gramndma's name is Frances but it's not spelled the normal way"
J- "It's not spelled with an F?"

Jon- "Paul carried them through the training"
J- "He's a carrier."

Finding Emo

S- Jimmy, how was the water in Jamaica?
J- It was cool-ish warm. 

Incredible Huck

"I'm gonna take that peach seed and plant me an apple tree.....wait....that's not right."

J - Maine is on the east coast right?
S - Yes. Seriously?
J - You never know. It could have been the west coast. 
S - No, it couldn't. 

I waste not what I want. (waste not want not)

That's a nice fancy box you got there. You can bury that and it would disintegrate something fierce. 

P- Did the trucks hit each other head to head?
J- No. Ass to Ass. 

Ya know, I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I have some spurs... on my ...tool.

I forgot my headphones at home and thus I can't get these damn voices out of my head. 

Coat McCoy

Rejunification

Why didn't you just try to spedunkle onto the roof?

I was brainwavin'.
I meant brainstormin', but there's no brainwave activity. 
Becca brainwaved me. 

It's almost 3 oclock.......well....40 minutes to 3.....

I wanted to copy them on the email but I didn't want to burden them with stupidness

What if we kept track of it like on a shart. 

"Am I on surround sound?" (meaning speaker phone)

I was being my funniness

If you're gonna do something, you know, you gotta turn that thing upside down

This is where all of the screwups have come from throughout gas times. 

UT got the football handed to them something fierce

How did NFL do this weekend?

J - I was waiting to hear the Monday Night Football song
G - They don't play that anymore
J - Yeah but it still goes through my head

Cincinalli Browns

I do not like the KFC's (Kansas City Chiefs)

Snake Moon Rising (Blake Snake Moan)

There's also a Portland in Canada, in Toronto. There's also a Portland in Oklahoma City. 

KRPCTV in Cincinatti

Proncastinating

Oh yeah buddy, ride it like you own it

Why do I gotta be so good at Concession Stand?

Becca - Jimmy, do you like your Android phone?
Jimmy - I dunno, it's got some corky things about it

If you got e-boli you'd have to be cornantined

J - "I think the crack in my phone is getting bigger"
S - "Your phone is cracked?"
J - "No,I don't think so"

Steve, do they know you at the restaurants you normal frequent at?

J - Speaking of 'In the Still of the Night' I have some chocolate covered peanuts.
B - What does that have to do with that song?
J - I ate some of them last night. 

I said that because of Jerry Springer. You know......"You had me at hello."

Susan - I can't believe you squished that. It was a living thing.
Jimmy - Not no more. 

"Guardians of that Galaxy"

"That Girl....Missing Girl....Girl Gone....Away......Gone Girl!!"

Jimmy - "Oh it's got Ben Afflict in it"
Scott - "It's Ben Affleck"
Jimmy - "Ben Afflac"

"What song did they sing that was a hit wonder?"

Jimmy: "I'll sit there and sip my coffee for somewhere between 8 to 10 minutes."
Bryan: "...you mean 9?"

Ya know, maybe i outta go get my brain checked.

"There was a jumper or a murder on I-35. I was laughing"

J - "I need to vote so I can get me one of them stickers that says I voted"
S - "Or you could just say you voted and forgot the sticker"
J - "What does the sticker say? I voted?"

J - "Tina's been getting ready to get me some jeans for a while"
S - "Why does it take so long to get jeans?"
J - "Well...she went to go look at jeans for me and...."
S - "I regret asking"

J - "His birthday is July 24th, that's close to my birthday"
S - "When is your birthday?"
J - "January 10th"

"John Adams? I know who he is.....Sam Adams"

"U-lease-is S. Grant"

Farmers Armanack

J - "Columbia....that's in Cuba" 
S - "No, it's not"
J - "Well,They start with the same word"

"I just had a brain fart and man it's hurting"

"Columbia....that's in Mexico"

J - "Paul, what time do you get to Boston?"
P - "7:30"
J - "Oh, you must have the layovers"

"Little CiCi's pizza"

J - "That's my team, TT"
S - "Who's TT?"
J - "Texas State"

S - "Jimmy, do you know what Texas Tech's famous saying is?"
J - "Yeah.....computers" (because they are a tech company)

S - "Do you know who sings that song Private Eye?"
J - "JEWEL!" (said with absolute conviction)
S - "No"
J - "Magnum P.I."
S - "It's two people"
J - "Rod Stewart"

"Wayne Chung"

Tres Leches = "Key Chay", "Saloochi" "Whatever, it's a chay type thing"

"Tina wants to go see Chinny Kesney"

J - "I voted for proposition 1"
S - "what's propostion 1?"
J - "I don't know, but proposition reminds me of propellers and I like propellers so I voted for it"

Nobody has written a good review. Like, people that I am trustworthy of. 

I wish I could have a favorite thing.

Humpford Godfreid

"That's my conumbdumb"

"Here's another consundrumb"

"If you got a heart transplant, would you still love the person you were married to?"

"Bodie was barking and I didn't want the neighbors to call the dog police"

Have a good weekend. (It was Monday)

"Everyone has got their U-kill-ee Heels"

I was just eatin that nasty ole banana. It was ok. 

Circle Crusted Crow (Type of Bird)

Tina got me somma them headless (wireless) headphones.

"Walking Phoenix" (Joaquin)

Tina - "Jimmy, what's your two cents?"
Jimmy - "I don't have any cents"

"We bought our TV before time, and it's been a rocking, smoking TV so far"

Appostrapedic beds

"I read that book The Man With the Cheese and the Mouse, it's about 2 men and a small mouse and they move the cheese"

"He gave me some learnin' book about how to surround yourself with people to become people or something"

"Sue-zoo Cross Trek"

"Mitsuszabishi Cross Trek"

"High hill shoes"

I'd give it five thumbs up

"Now I'm down to the meat and potatoes, earlier I was just slurpin' the sauce"

You had to mustard the courage

"Austin doesn't have vultures. Someone did tell me there are monkeys at Town Lake though"

Don't judge a book by its color

"I'm fine, I'm pinchy king" (peachy keen)

Did you guys hear about that Pocks Tony Phil (punxsutawney phil) biting that guy in the face?

Is that a clunk and dagger?

"Deli-est catch"

"Johhny Depth"

"Didn't something just happen wherever?"

"Something happened yesterday where you're from Paul....Arakansas. My cousin's daughter is getting married there"

"Office and a gentleman"

"Pockalyspe Now"

Apple is up there by the Domain. It's way big expanding.

"So I can go do this; I, not meaning me and not meaning you or us, but someone"

Jimmy - Vegetarian pizza is just artichokes and onions and mushrooms and no meat?
Scott - I have no idea what you're talking about.
Jimmy - Me either. 

Instead of using bad words this weekend when I hurt my back, I just said "Fudge nuggets"

Male Gibson

"Hey Scott, look where my finger is"

They had that one guy, that tornado sucked up his whopper

"Did I ask that question or did I state that question?"

"I got me bit by a snake"

They're still doing that Moto GPA (GP) race this weekend even in the rain.

I was the best thing since before sliced bread. 

My experience at Freebirds was Lacklustered. 

With whatever I had going on yesterday (he was sick) my body was sticky and I got a pimple.

Anterfreeze.

Inturpit. 

"What's that thing called......a couch"

"South Austin music city limits thing"

"It's 5 hours of great music, I guess" (describing the Iheartmusic festival)

"I was jonesing for my piece of Starbucks"

"I haven't checked in on it, but what happened to the ice age?"

Jimmy - We had lobster and shrimp last night. It was surf-n-turf
Bryan - Where was the turf part?
Jimmy - I had some salad

"That new Wesley Snipely movie is pretty good. He's a janitor or a book store person"

"I say it like that because sometimes I see a word, and it's got all these damn letters in it!"

Jimmy - "Cor-reck-ly modeled. Did I say that right?"
Paul - "It has a 'T' in it"
Jimmy - "Mot-eld?"

[knocks on head] "This is like a steel trap. Things get out but nothing gets in."

"Hey Scott, you been watching that girl golf-soccer?"

Was Robert E Lee a Buffalo Soldier?

"That's a sticky situation. I mean......not sticky in your eyes."

"4 weeks to a month"

"Maximo's gonna be everybody's button on their bread"

"The Work Order used to be the Bible."

"Can you do me a favor and pop a spot right there?"

"I got out of the water and I felt like I had a load in my pants. I was drinking a lot."

Colin and I had an imprompt meeting yesterday. 

"It was a zoo zitshu and krottie guy vs a muscle guy, the muscle guy was all lubed up"

"I didn't know that Washington DC wasn't a state"

"I heard he had a illigiminant child"

I'm running into some issues right now and one of them has put me in a stumper.

It's ostetically pleasing. 

She was the CEO of Heelo Packer.

I like ole politics.

Kirp Cobain

JP - "Have you ever eaten at that Green Mesquite?"
Bryan - "no"
JP - "I've thought about it"

I have a big giant open mind. 

"I was in a play in high school... the Mice is Men"

(talking about getting in a car wreck, then totally changes subject) "Bryan......I made pancakes this weekend."
"they were good, I didn't eat any of them"

"I was PDFin' so I decided to wheel over here and take a gander to you"

"Bigs.....what's manifesto?"

"They say the Apple watch is just a trend or whatever that is called"

J - "This coffee tastes like filtered dirt."
Coworkers - " How would you know what filtered dirt tastes like?"
J - "Because I've drank filtered dirt!"

"Yesterday they played the Rolls Bow" (Rose Bowl)

"It took about a berjillion years"

"The Patriots won? Ya know, $4 is not a lot of money"

"There is lettuce and lettuce.....sauce in the kitchen"

"There is....it has a Z in it.....Lasagna"

"What's the difference between blueberries and protein?"

Don't make me laugh, you're gonna screw up my brain. 

When I listen to that....IPC....IP Seed......Independent Clown Posse

"Ya'll play that fan duel or that king of monsters football?"

"I bought Tina some movies. I bought her Fast and Furious 7 and On-traahj (Entourage)

Matt Damon = "Mark Wallburger"

"She's a presbyterian, she only eats fish and wock-a-mole (guacamole)

"It was a long time ago movie"

"National Lampoons Regular Vacation"

"I can't hear. It's so cool. It's not that cool."

"I always call it (drinking) on the wagon. Cause one.....I ain't gonna be driving"

"It's not hot chocolate....it's just hot chocolate powder and then they mix hot water in it"

JP - We had a "potluck" (in air qoutes)
PB - Why the quotes?
JP - Cause there was no pot or luck 

"I'm ain't sayin' the world is flat, I'm just saying that if it was, all the damn water would run off!"

Santa Clause wears fire retarded pants. 

Lisa - What kind of hardwood floors did you get?
JP - Huh?
Lisa - Like, what kind of wood?
JP - Is there a kind of wood?

You know what?!? I've got animal rights.

I guess he aint got no more Scurvey Fever or whatever it's called. 

J: I love animals.
P: Then how come everytime we mention an animal you ask "can ya shoot it?"?
J: So they'll lay there all still like, so I can hug 'em.

Allllll my exes live in Texas.......Except for the ones that moved awayyyyyy.

"Cobblers are so small....oh wait, I'm thinking of Keeblers"

(As he is walking out to leave for the day) - "Allllriiiight........totes!" 

"Some guy walks into a Pawn shop and sees some guns, and ya never know, those could be General Custard's guns!"

"Bryan Goffling" (Ryan Gosling)

"I cry at sad movies like RV or Force Gump"

"It was a movie where the guy from Bradford Files has oldtimers disease"

I got one of those cranberry trees in my yard. 

1 + 1 = Sinuses

"He loves golf and wears makeup, but he doesn't wear makeup when he's playing golf. His name is Alice in Chains"

·        01-25-2016, 09:21 PM

OnBoard

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

This thread is for the philosophical muses and life lessons of Jimmy, my potentially retarded, functional alcoholic employee.

A bit of background, he's a 43 year old, ex-PC tech. When I was hired to build my department, my VP highly encouraged me to hire Jimmy to a full-time role. He'd been an IT contractor at my company for a few years. Being new, I reluctantly agreed. That VP was later fired and escorted from the building. Jimmy remains.

Jimmy drinks at least a 12-pack of Frio Beer a day. If he's not at work, he's drunk. Usually, he's drunk and fishing or hunting. He likes shooting crossbows and recreational welding. He listens Celine Dion and the Insane Clown Posse. He loves Fox News and Info Wars but doesn't really understand any current issues.

---

Just yer everyday God fearing 'Merican.

·        01-25-2016, 09:21 PM

CooterBrown

A few months ago, he got stuck at the beach fishing one night because he didn't have a battery in his truck. When asked what happened, he said he wanted a spotlight while out in the surf, so he put his truck battery in an ice chest and rigged up a light to it. While fishing, a wave dumped it over and he lost his battery.

·        01-25-2016, 09:22 PM

Continental Op

Bring Jimmy on here to talk about crossbows. Maybe they can become a Shaggy fad like tomahawks.

·        01-25-2016, 09:22 PM

CooterBrown

A couple of years ago Jimmy came in to work complaining his eyes hurt. He decided to do some welding on a bbq pit he was building without wearing welding glasses. He figured squinting works when you stare into the sun so why not while welding.

·        01-25-2016, 09:22 PM

CooterBrown

Jimmy's wife got on him for being drunk by lunch every day off so she forbid him to drink before noon. That lasted a few weeks until one Saturday she went to the gym at 10am. Jimmy drank a 12 pack of Frio in the two hours she was gone. She came home with a surprise...a 12 pack of beer as a reward for not getting drunk in the AM (she's not smart either). To hide the fact he was already drunk, he drank the new beer by 2pm. She found him unconscious in the garage. We asked him why he didn't just put the beer in fridge for later and he said he'd already established in his house that the fridge is for food and beer is for drinking.

·        01-25-2016, 09:22 PM

CooterBrown

Sad Jimmy story from this morning.

My office is outside of the cubicle farm where Jimmy sits. Co-workers are arguing with him about his 401k contribution. The conversation went like this:

Co-Worker: Jimmy, why do you only contribute 1%? You're leaving free money on the table and that's not enough to retire on!

Jimmy: It's enough. It's $5,000 a year. 

Co-W: You make $500,000?

Jimmy: I...no...

The light slowly went on when Jimmy realized he's been contributing $500 annually, at best, to his 401K for years.

·        01-25-2016, 09:23 PM

CooterBrown

"Saw that Mad Max movie. I didn't think he was that mad. He's pretty cool and collected most of the time. Fergie was a bad ass though."

·        01-25-2016, 09:24 PM

CooterBrown

Jimmy's son wants to be a record producer so he was trying to get in touch with Skrillex to see if he wanted to work with an up and comer. His son is really into dub step.

To be honest, if anyone can make that happen, it's Jimmy. If you need a toe by Tuesday, Jimmy's your man. We needed an ethernet switch with more ports for our conference room one day, Jimmy disappeared for 10 minutes and came back with one...that he got from another company in the building. He just walked in their office, went to their IT guy and asked for one, got it, walked out. Jimmy gets shit done.

·        01-25-2016, 09:31 PM

boknowstecmo

That up there is a great list if TexAgs ever wants to start doing banner mottos.

·        01-25-2016, 09:33 PM

CooterBrown

A new one to start this thread off...

A couple of years ago, a couple of us were walking to the parking garage and I mentioned I needed to get Jamie (our managing attorney) to approve a NDA.

Jimmy non-chalantly: "She gave it up to me once."

Me: "Gave up what?"

J: "You know, her poon."

Me: "WTF?"

J: "She asked me to come over to her condo to help her with her PC and as a reward she let Jimmy's fingers do the walkin'."

Me: "Bullshit."

J: "Yep. Fingered her cooch and her butthole. Did her too."

Me "Wow."

J: "I was going at it and she farted. She got all embarrassed and I was like don't worry usually I make 'em shit."

Never looked at Jamie the same way again.

·        01-25-2016, 09:34 PM Francisco Scaramonga

Subscribed.

·        01-25-2016, 09:35 PM  BALLGAME123

·        01-25-2016, 10:03 PM

cactusflinthead

So very much gold.

·        01-25-2016, 10:13 PM

OnBoard

Holy mother Jimmy is gold. He's a damn American institution. He's a novel, hes a movie, 

My mind is like a steel trap, things get out, but nothing gets in..

·        01-25-2016, 10:16 PM

Gunsup

He needs to go fishing with the guys that do "Niggas on the River."

·        01-25-2016, 10:19 PM

Fuck Greg Davis

This has coffee table book written all over it. Do it.

·        01-25-2016, 10:23 PM

FCHorn

In for the long haul...let's get a reddit style Q and A...

·        01-25-2016, 10:24 PM

FCHorn

Ducksmith-ian

·        01-25-2016, 10:24 PM

Beef Supreme

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"don't worry usually I make 'em shit."

---

I'm stealing this.

·        01-25-2016, 10:29 PM

Robin Masters

You have left so much money on the table by shooting your wad on page 1. You should have went with the proven technique, make a Twitter called "shit my co-worker Jimmy says" Dole a couple of gems/day. 1-3 months later, Hollyweird is knocking at your door. Profit.

·        01-25-2016, 10:36 PM

OnBoard

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Robin Masters 

You have left so much money on the table by shooting your wad on page 1. You should have went with the proven technique, make a Twitter called "shit my co-worker Jimmy says" Dole a couple of gems/day. 1-3 months later, Hollyweird is knocking at your door. Profit.

---

Jimmysaysshit.com. (I own it.......now)

·        01-25-2016, 10:38 PM

ERhine

Subscribed.

·        01-25-2016, 10:54 PM

NorthLoop

Anytime Bob gets writer's block on a new motto, he should come here. So much gold.

·        01-25-2016, 11:14 PM

Kyrie Eleison

Jimmy needs to be Les Miles' personal aide. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

·        01-25-2016, 11:18 PM

unklphucker

Now that is authentic frontier gibberish. Love the Jimmy.

·        01-25-2016, 11:26 PM

MilkmanDan

The legend among the early employees at my company is that the original IT guy started the Ethernet runs above the ceiling tiles using a crossbow. Gonna have to find out if that was Jimmy.

·        01-25-2016, 11:44 PM

MissingInAction

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by MilkmanDan 

The legend among the early employees at my company is that the original IT guy started the Ethernet runs above the ceiling tiles using a crossbow. Gonna have to find out if that was Jimmy.

---

Knew a guy that had a ferret trained to run cable.

·        01-25-2016, 11:48 PM

NorthLoop

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by MissingInAction 

Knew a guy that had a ferret trained to run cable.

---

And that man was Einstein...

·        01-25-2016, 11:51 PM

MissingInAction

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by NorthLoop 

And that man was Einstein...

---

You knew him too?

·        01-26-2016, 01:35 AM

Prepuce of Doom

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by MissingInAction 

Knew a guy that had a ferret trained to run cable.

---

In Mexico, I saw a donkey trained to lay pipe.

·        01-26-2016, 07:32 AM

CooterBrown

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Robin Masters 

You have left so much money on the table by shooting your wad on page 1. You should have went with the proven technique, make a Twitter called "shit my co-worker Jimmy says" Dole a couple of gems/day. 1-3 months later, Hollyweird is knocking at your door. Profit.

---

Yep. In hindsight, I should've milked the original jimmyisms.txt file for months. I didn't realize anyone would be as amused without knowing the guy. That was compiled over 5 years. Hopefully, he'll speed up production of new material.

·        01-26-2016, 08:08 AM

hookemATL

Sounds like an emotionally crippled alcoholic with brain damage. 

Please continue to post factoids about him, so I may laugh at him and feel better about myself.

Thanks.

·        01-26-2016, 08:10 AM

OnBoard

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by hookemATL 

Sounds like an emotionally crippled alcoholic with brain damage.

---

Meh, that could describe pretty much any poster here.

·        01-26-2016, 09:05 AM

Kavinsky

Outstanding thread OP. Has Jimmy sired any offspring? From what I've read so far, I think there's a strong chance that he has a son named Kevin, see spoiler.

Spoiler! 

·        01-26-2016, 09:05 AM

MissingInAction

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by OnBoard 

Meh, that could describe pretty much any poster here.

·        01-26-2016, 09:28 AM

Soul Glo

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by MissingInAction 

Knew a guy that had a ferret trained to run cable.

---

Nice marmot

·        01-26-2016, 09:31 AM

Soul Glo

we had a female version of Jimmy at my office before she retired to a lap of luxury, as she called it (she lived in a trailer).

Also, she routinely drove to West on her lunch break to "pick up a dozen or two Go-laches"

·        01-26-2016, 09:35 AM

loco

Seemed like in your first post, you felt kinda stuck with Jimmy as a bad hire. You should re-evaluate.


For years, I used to talk about my grandfather's workshop and his "Radio alarm saw". I have never used a crossbow though.

Je suis Jimmy

·        01-26-2016, 09:41 AM

Llano Estacado

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by ERhine 

Subscribed.

---

Subs crib. I thought you subs-crib to threads.

·        01-26-2016, 09:53 AM

CooterBrown

We're in a conference room listening to our CEO's annual state of the union...

Jimmy let this one go: "I'd rather be floating in the middle of the lake with hot dogs wrapped around my body"

So, now I have to explain.

Jimmy told us that one time when he was drunk he decided to tie hot dogs to his pants to catch catfish in his own version of noodling. It didn't work but he had fun.

·        01-26-2016, 10:00 AM

MrPhlegm

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

A new one to start this thread off...

A couple of years ago, a couple of us were walking to the parking garage and I mentioned I needed to get Jamie (our managing attorney) to approve a NDA.

Jimmy non-chalantly: "She gave it up to me once."

Me: "Gave up what?"

J: "You know, her poon."

Me: "WTF?"

J: "She asked me to come over to her condo to help her with her PC and as a reward she let Jimmy's fingers do the walkin'."

Me: "Bullshit."

J: "Yep. Fingered her cooch and her butthole. Did her too."

Me "Wow."

J: "I was going at it and she farted. She got all embarrassed and I was like don't worry usually I make 'em shit."

Never looked at Jamie the same way again.

---

Ok, was not impressed with this thread until this post.

Holy shit max lulz.

+rep subscribed

·        01-26-2016, 10:13 AM

Jade

Hahahahahaha I think Jimmy's sister lives next door to me. My neighbor calls Johnny Depp, Johnny Dimp. I'm going to forever associate people with Jimmyisms now

·        01-26-2016, 10:20 AM

coffeedillon

Please forward to Hillary to add to her "I give a shit list "

·        01-26-2016, 10:26 AM

Robin Masters

I think I know Jimmy's mom. She calls that stuff the poors have on their countertops "ninoleum", she stores things in her "chester drawers" and you know how on cold days when the wind blows it feels colder, that's the "windshield factor"

·        01-26-2016, 10:28 AM

OnBoard

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Robin Masters 

cold days when the wind blows it feels colder, that's the "windshield factor"

---

From the mouths of babes, truth spews forth.

·        01-26-2016, 10:30 AM

Jade

Jimmy's sister was walking her dog last week holding a trash bag. She said it was to pick up dog species

·        01-26-2016, 10:33 AM

Chewbacca

In34

·        01-26-2016, 10:33 AM

Stilicho

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

This thread is for the philosophical muses and life lessons of Jimmy, my potentially retarded, functional alcoholic employee.

A bit of background, he's a 43 year old, ex-PC tech. When I was hired to build my department, my VP highly encouraged me to hire Jimmy to a full-time role. He'd been an IT contractor at my company for a few years. Being new, I reluctantly agreed. That VP was later fired and escorted from the building. Jimmy remains.

Jimmy drinks at least a 12-pack of Frio Beer a day. If he's not at work, he's drunk. Usually, he's drunk and fishing or hunting. He likes shooting crossbows and recreational welding. He listens Celine Dion and the Insane Clown Posse. He loves Fox News and Info Wars but doesn't really understand any current issues.

---

Jimmy gets his own thread? I am FANTASY NOW!!!!!!

Subscribed.

Bottom of Form

·        01-26-2016, 09:39 AM

RDCanecutter

Quote:

---

"They found an English king (Richard III) buried under some parking lot. I didn't even know they had parking lots back then."

---

Pretty good point.

·        01-26-2016, 09:43 AM

Bath Salt Dealer

#teamjimmy4life

·        01-26-2016, 09:46 AM

Jade

Just curious, what does Jimmy drive?

·        01-26-2016, 09:48 AM

Soul Glo

 

[CooterBrown 18089]

·        524401-26-2016, 09:57 AM

MajorHarsin

Pics of Jamie?

·        01-26-2016, 10:00 AM

OnBoard

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Soul Glo 

http://media.ed.edmunds-media.com/gm..._oem_1_500.jpg

---

So simple, but so funny. Spreading it around here.....

·        01-26-2016, 10:01 AM

iamthepush

i may have missed this, is jimmy from a different country?

·        01-26-2016, 10:05 AM

Kyrie Eleison

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by iamthepush 

i may have missed this, is jimmy from a different country?

---

he's from Alto...so yes.

·        01-26-2016, 10:11 AM

MissingInAction

Jimmy needs to get on the shag pronto.

·        01-26-2016, 10:55 AM

skipperj

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Jade 

Just curious, what does Jimmy drive?

---

A Nissan Maximum

·        01-26-2016, 10:56 AM

CooterBrown

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by iamthepush 

i may have missed this, is jimmy from a different country?

---

Originally from Ohio, went to high school in South Texas.

·        01-26-2016, 12:55 PM

Mantis Toboggan, MD

Does Jimmy look special?

·        01-26-2016, 02:27 PM

CooterBrown

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Mantis Toboggan, MD 

Does Jimmy look special?

---

Not at all. Judging by his ex-wife, current wife, and the attorney, he hits above his weight class. There's something to be said for confidence through ignorance.

·        01-26-2016, 02:29 PM

lurch

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

A new one to start this thread off...

A couple of years ago, a couple of us were walking to the parking garage and I mentioned I needed to get Jamie (our managing attorney) to approve a NDA.

Jimmy non-chalantly: "She gave it up to me once."

Me: "Gave up what?"

J: "You know, her poon."

Me: "WTF?"

J: "She asked me to come over to her condo to help her with her PC and as a reward she let Jimmy's fingers do the walkin'."

Me: "Bullshit."

J: "Yep. Fingered her cooch and her butthole. Did her too."

Me "Wow."

J: "I was going at it and she farted. She got all embarrassed and I was like don't worry usually I make 'em shit."

Never looked at Jamie the same way again.

---

Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy!

·        01-26-2016, 02:38 PM

lurch

I had a relative-through-marriage once tell me that her car stereo sounded so much better due to the new radio tires she just bought.

·        01-26-2016, 02:46 PM

hayden_horn

team jimmy

·        01-26-2016, 02:56 PM

Robin Masters

When I read Jimmy it's in Robert Deniro in Bang The Drum Slowly's voice.

·        01-27-2016, 05:36 AM

Bath Salt Dealer

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by skipperj 

A Nissan Maximum

---

He upgraded to a Toyota Crayola.

·        01-27-2016, 06:40 AM

Fastbreak

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

He loves Fox News and Info Wars but doesn't really understand any current issues.

---

You've just described pretty much every regular cloak room poster...

·        01-27-2016, 07:45 AM

JohnnyRage

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

Yep. In hindsight, I should've milked the original jimmyisms.txt file for months. I didn't realize anyone would be as amused without knowing the guy. That was compiled over 5 years. Hopefully, he'll speed up production of new material.

---

I was not expecting to lulz this morning. But more good news, it will take me months to read the entire OP, but that's more of a 'me' thing. So I got that going for me.

·        01-27-2016, 08:15 AM

Wally Fairway

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by MissingInAction 

Jimmy needs to get on the shag pronto.

---

What makes you think he doesn't?


If Cooter's portrayal is even somewhat accurate, I think Jimmy could read this thread and have no clue it was about him.

·        01-27-2016, 08:34 AM

Tuco Ramirez

This is who I pictured with each quote. 

And I really doubt Jimmy has to worry that much about retirement.

 

·        01-27-2016, 09:10 AM

CooterBrown

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Wally Fairway 

If Cooter's portrayal is even somewhat accurate, I think Jimmy could read this thread and have no clue it was about him.

---

All the names have been changed except for Jimmy's, so that's probably true. However, not too many people have gone fishing with hot dogs tied to their pants.

·        01-27-2016, 09:12 AM

Blain

Fishing and crabbing at the same time? Don't see the issue.

·        01-27-2016, 09:12 AM

CooterBrown

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Robin Masters 

When I read Jimmy it's in Robert Deniro in Bang The Drum Slowly's voice.

---

Jimmy looks a lot like Lawrence from Office Space but without the mullet. He has normal short hair but with a beard. He sounds like a cross between Roscoe P Coltrane and the hotel guy from Deadwood. His attire is usually Wranglers, an untucked polo, and knock off Birkenstocks with black socks.

·        01-27-2016, 09:23 AM

CooterBrown

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by JohnnySage 

I was not expecting to lulz this morning. But more good news, it will take me months to read the entire OP, but that's more of a 'me' thing. So I got that going for me.

---

I've found that you can read the list every day for a month and you'll always find something you missed.

·        01-27-2016, 09:41 AM

Gunsup

I'm kicking around the idea of using one Jimmy quote a day for my students to see when they walk in each day. He'll be given full credit, of course.

·        01-27-2016, 09:44 AM

OnBoard

Hes a god damn american treasure, like Twain only a lot stupiderer.

·        01-27-2016, 09:48 AM

Robin Masters

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

His attire is usually Wranglers, an untucked polo, and knock off Birkenstocks with black socks.

---

I feel like a Gofundme get Jimmy real Birkenstocks is in order.

·        01-27-2016, 12:10 PM

CooterBrown

"I like that Trump. He and me are like one brain. We think what each other is saying."

·        01-27-2016, 12:29 PM

SBBruin

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pqE66RltUaQ

·        01-27-2016, 05:57 PM

Celery Man

You know, her poon.

·        01-27-2016, 06:56 PM

Soul Glo

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by lurch 

I had a relative-through-marriage once tell me that her car stereo sounded so much better due to the new radio tires she just bought.

---

I know a girl who went on a job interview and was asked what she felt like she could bring to the party, and she responded "well, I could probably bring paper plates and plastic forks and napkins."

Same girl thinks it is the excess road and not the access road. She also thinks the Nixons song is "sisters in ICU" instead of "Sister I see you"


Like we are just out there trying to figure out where to place all this goddamn excess road.

·        01-28-2016, 08:58 AM

CooterBrown

J: "I've always wondered, do vegenarans complete the job?"

Chief: "What are you talking about?"

J: "You know it's parts of a baby. Is it considered eating meat?"

Chief: "This is one of those topics that cause you not to have nice things. Please stop."

·        02-01-2016, 02:07 PM

CooterBrown

"Drinking bubble tea would make me feel very venonym. I mean feminine."

·        02-01-2016, 02:28 PM

Red Five

"I've seen the ants. They have a good time."

I'd like to hear the context behind this one.

·        02-01-2016, 02:28 PM

Kyrie Eleison

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"Drinking bubble tea would make me feel very venonym. I mean feminine."

---

sorta true either way....


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

·        02-02-2016, 03:33 PM

CooterBrown

"Monkeys can't really swim...except those Japanese monkeys. That's why the top monkey research lab is Puerto Rico. That's why it's called Monkey Island."

·        02-02-2016, 03:53 PM

llanoflash

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"Monkeys can't really swim...except those Japanese monkeys. That's why the top monkey research lab is Puerto Rico. That's why it's called Monkey Island."

---

I have read this about 50 times. Not sure why that's funny but it sure as hell is.

·        02-02-2016, 04:03 PM

Stilicho

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"Monkeys can't really swim...except those Japanese monkeys. That's why the top monkey research lab is Puerto Rico. That's why it's called Monkey Island."

---

Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why Jimmy had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the Universe than we do now.

·        02-02-2016, 05:15 PM

Lerka Lerka

Fucking gold.

·        02-02-2016, 05:46 PM

Massive Horn

Quote:

---

the fridge is for food and beer is for drinking

---

·        02-02-2016, 06:13 PM

pacman

Damn, I think my friend used to live near Jimmy in South Austin years ago.

Have you ever heard him threaten to put "stretch marks on your mouth"?

We must have laughed for days.

·        02-04-2016, 08:46 AM

CooterBrown

"When I was young and dumb, I used to deliver for Domino's. So, I was in a Taco Bell on William Cannon. Some guy I met in the bathroom took me in a stall. We did some coke off the toilet seat. The seat was warm and it stank bad. I haven't done drugs since. Ordered a 7 layer burrito cause that beaver song (Primus - Winona's Big Brown Beaver) . I have not done drugs since."

·        02-04-2016, 09:20 AM

OnBoard

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"When I was young and dumb, I used to deliver for Domino's. So, I was in a Taco Bell on William Cannon. Some guy I met in the bathroom took me in a stall. We did some coke off the toilet seat. The seat was warm and it stank bad. I haven't done drugs since. Ordered a 7 layer burrito cause that beaver song (Primus - Winona's Big Brown Beaver) . I have not done drugs since."

---

I. Am. In. Awe. !!

·        02-04-2016, 09:20 AM

Stilicho

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"When I was young and dumb, I used to deliver for Domino's. So, I was in a Taco Bell on William Cannon. Some guy I met in the bathroom took me in a stall. We did some coke off the toilet seat. The seat was warm and it stank bad. I haven't done drugs since. Ordered a 7 layer burrito cause that beaver song (Primus - Winona's Big Brown Beaver) . I have not done drugs since."

---

Only a real man bumps a line off of a still warm shitter seat.

·        02-04-2016, 09:29 AM

BlueGreySky06

·        02-04-2016, 09:30 AM

BlueGreySky06

oh, and this is easily my favorite story of his so far. think i've read it three times just out of appreciation.

·        02-04-2016, 10:07 AM

Kyrie Eleison

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"When I was young and dumb, I used to deliver for Domino's. So, I was in a Taco Bell on William Cannon. Some guy I met in the bathroom took me in a stall. We did some coke off the toilet seat. The seat was warm and it stank bad. I haven't done drugs since. Ordered a 7 layer burrito cause that beaver song (Primus - Winona's Big Brown Beaver) . I have not done drugs since."

·        02-04-2016, 12:19 PM

Robin Masters

Must spread rep. Fack this thread is gold, every time it pops up I slightly enchubben. Jimmy needs to be telling that story at school all over the state.

 

Bottom of Form

·        02-04-2016, 03:53 PM

bamachine

I used to work with a guy named Jimmy that sounds a lot like this guy, also in IT. We were running Cat 5 cables and having to drill holes in the walls. We came upon a spot where I needed my 90 degree drill attachment to drill a hole, sent him to go get it off the work van, he came back and handed me a bell hanger bit(pictured below) that he bent 90 degrees.

What I asked for...

What I got...

...bent at a 90 degree angle.

Also, someone mentioned using a crossbow for running wires above ceiling grid, they actually make a little crossbow type device with string attached for this exact purpose. Very rare that you have enough room to use it though, so never got one, instead got a pole like the electric company uses to reach up to transformers.

·        02-04-2016, 04:03 PM

CooterBrown

From at lunch today...

J: "I'd like to drink a 40 with a monkey."

S: "What?"

J: "Don't tell me you don't want a monkey doing your chores."


He's been on a monkey kick lately. He loves animals.

·        02-04-2016, 04:06 PM

CooterBrown

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Red Five 

"I've seen the ants. They have a good time."

I'd like to hear the context behind this one.

---

I asked some of his co-workers and I was told that Jimmy was talking about drinking whiskey and watching his ant farm for relaxation.

·        02-04-2016, 09:47 PM

bigbend1812

These stories remind me of Ricky.....






https://youtu.be/Jfq3c4Cf1Fs

·        02-05-2016, 11:18 AM

CooterBrown

Interpret this dream I had:

I'm sitting on a beach with John Goodman on a beach towel. We're in Mexico. Across the way they're building a bridge to Texas. 

Goodman tells me 'Dirt bike is a good nickname name for you."

I say 'I'm really happy. The bridge looks good."

Goodman says, 'I'm really happy too, Dirt Bike.'

·        02-05-2016, 11:53 AM

Robin Masters

Did he do a lot of low quality brain melting drugs, and then the line of coke off the warm Domino's toilet seat was the end, or was that a one off? I'm trying to find something to account for the brain damage/enlightened state. It can't be the booze, I know several lifelong alcoholics, and they're nowhere near this interesting.

·        02-05-2016, 12:55 PM

Prepuce of Doom

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Robin Masters 

Did he do a lot of low quality brain melting drugs, and then the line of coke off the warm Domino's toilet seat was the end, or was that a one off? I'm trying to find something to account for the brain damage/enlightened state. It can't be the booze, I know several lifelong alcoholics, and they're nowhere near this interesting.

---

Agreed. This seems like it could be a consequence of heavy psilocybin use under age 10 or something bizarre like that.

·        02-05-2016, 12:56 PM

hayden_horn

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

Interpret this dream I had:

I'm sitting on a beach with John Goodman on a beach towel. We're in Mexico. Across the way they're building a bridge to Texas. 

Goodman tells me 'Dirt bike is a good nickname name for you."

I say 'I'm really happy. The bridge looks good."

Goodman says, 'I'm really happy too, Dirt Bike.'

---

dirt bike. yall have to start calling him dirt bike

·        02-05-2016, 12:56 PM

Kyrie Eleison

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

Interpret this dream I had:

I'm sitting on a beach with John Goodman on a beach towel. We're in Mexico. Across the way they're building a bridge to Texas. 

Goodman tells me 'Dirt bike is a good nickname name for you."

I say 'I'm really happy. The bridge looks good."

Goodman says, 'I'm really happy too, Dirt Bike.'

---

·        02-05-2016, 01:56 PM

Bottlecap

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

I asked some of his co-workers and I was told that Jimmy was talking about drinking whiskey and watching his ant farm for relaxation.

---

dying

·        02-05-2016, 01:57 PM

Bottlecap

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

Interpret this dream I had:

I'm sitting on a beach with John Goodman on a beach towel. We're in Mexico. Across the way they're building a bridge to Texas. 

Goodman tells me 'Dirt bike is a good nickname name for you."

I say 'I'm really happy. The bridge looks good."

Goodman says, 'I'm really happy too, Dirt Bike.'

---

holy shit, choking on laughter

·        02-05-2016, 02:45 PM

CooterBrown

I just realized that Jimmy's dream sounds like bad Hemingway.

·        02-05-2016, 02:49 PM

skipperj

It's greatness. So easy to picture. John Goodman just sitting there looking at jimmy as he says "Dirt Bike".

·        02-05-2016, 03:03 PM

OnBoard

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by skipperj 

It's greatness. So easy to picture. John Goodman just sitting there looking at jimmy as he says "Dirt Bike".

---

yep…...

·        02-05-2016, 03:49 PM

MissingInAction

I'd really like to meet this savant.

·        02-05-2016, 03:55 PM

hayden_horn

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by MissingInAction 

I'd really like to meet this savant.

---

you talkin about dirt bike?

·        02-05-2016, 03:58 PM

NorthLoop

Good ol' Dirt Bike

·        02-05-2016, 04:25 PM

irishtexan

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by MissingInAction 

I'd really like to meet this savant.

---

happy hour?

·        02-05-2016, 04:40 PM

BearSchlong

Dirt Bike's good people.

·        02-05-2016, 05:12 PM

skipperj

 

 

[CooterBrown 18089]

·        02-05-2016, 11:36 PM

Mantis Toboggan, MD

Team Jimmy/Dirt Bike

·        02-08-2016, 11:37 AM

CooterBrown

Jimmy showed up today with a "new" truck. His wife took him to tour a distillery on Saturday. They got drunk. On the way home, he told her to stop so he could look at those Asian trucks. He was talked into buying a Honda Ridgeline with 190,000 miles on it. He said he woke up Sunday and instantly regretted it since he hasn't had a car payment in years. A co-worker said to just take it back. Jimmy said it was too late. He'd already named her. He named her Ghost. Co-worker asked if it was white. He said no, black. That was just the first name that popped into his head.

·        02-08-2016, 12:23 PM

workswithseed

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

Jimmy showed up today with a "new" truck. His wife took him to tour a distillery on Saturday. They got drunk. On the way home, he told her to stop so he could look at those Asian trucks. He was talked into buying a Honda Ridgeline with 190,000 miles on it. He said he woke up Sunday and instantly regretted it since he hasn't had a car payment in years. A co-worker said to just take it back. Jimmy said it was too late. He'd already named her. He named her Ghost. Co-worker asked if it was white. He said no, black. That was just the first name that popped into his head.

---

He doesn't see black or white.

·        02-08-2016, 12:40 PM

Stilicho

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by workswithseed 

He doesn't see black or white.

---

Just beer. And that's fair.

·        02-08-2016, 12:57 PM

TexasEd

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

From at lunch today...

J: "I'd like to drink a 40 with a monkey."

S: "What?"

J: "Don't tell me you don't want a monkey doing your chores."


He's been on a monkey kick lately. He loves animals.

---

Please tell me Jimmy came up with the idea for the puppy/monkey/baby commercial.

·        02-08-2016, 01:32 PM

YChang

Hmm... on a monkey kick. It is the year of the monkey on the Chinese zodiac. Fire monkey at that.

·        02-08-2016, 01:41 PM

Kyrie Eleison

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by YChang 

Hmm... on a monkey kick. It is the year of the monkey on the Chinese zodiac. Fire monkey at that.

---

Asian truck, too. 

Jimmy's a Zen master....no one knows it just yet though. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

·        02-08-2016, 01:52 PM

iamthepush

"I like fun schway" - Jimmy

·        02-08-2016, 01:58 PM

Mantis Toboggan, MD

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

Jimmy showed up today with a "new" truck. His wife took him to tour a distillery on Saturday. They got drunk. On the way home, he told her to stop so he could look at those Asian trucks. He was talked into buying a Honda Ridgeline with 190,000 miles on it. He said he woke up Sunday and instantly regretted it since he hasn't had a car payment in years. A co-worker said to just take it back. Jimmy said it was too late. He'd already named her. He named her Ghost. Co-worker asked if it was white. He said no, black. That was just the first name that popped into his head.

---

I need to meet Jimmy. This is amazing.

·        02-08-2016, 07:36 PM

Chad Fuck

Shaggy happy hour with Jimmy?

·        02-09-2016, 11:19 AM

unklphucker

Has he seen the video of the baby monkey riding backwards on a pig? Might be life changing for him.

·        02-10-2016, 09:40 AM

CooterBrown

[on Wednesday]"a couple days ago, which was last weekend..."

"I was already planning on griping as soon as I woke up."

"I heard he had a tinture tantrum."

"We don't have a Hopdoddy in Georgetown but we just got one."

"Is a calzone better than a pizza?"

·        02-10-2016, 10:13 AM

RDCanecutter

Well? Is it?

·        02-10-2016, 11:12 AM

CutTheCrackJack

Read the OP then ignored because it's not funny to take professionally written comedy and comedian's hardwork and plagiarize it.

Then I saw it's on page 3 and said "HA! They are roasting OP for trying to pass this off as a humble dude who he knows in real life."

Now I'm thinking this guy is the real deal and I, too, want to meet this dark hero.

·        02-10-2016, 01:56 PM

Gardner Barnes

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

Interpret this dream I had:

I'm sitting on a beach with John Goodman on a beach towel. We're in Mexico. Across the way they're building a bridge to Texas. 

Goodman tells me 'Dirt bike is a good nickname name for you."

I say 'I'm really happy. The bridge looks good."

Goodman says, 'I'm really happy too, Dirt Bike.'

---

Well that did it. I just laughed out loud in a meeting.

·        02-10-2016, 02:44 PM

CooterBrown

J: "Boba Fett is a modern day Dog the Bounty Hunter."

S: "Star wars was a long time ago in galaxy far far away."

J: "Nobody believes that."

·        02-10-2016, 03:00 PM

Gardner Barnes

Cooter. What does Jimmy look like? My mental picture is something like Larry, Darryl, and his other brother Darryl from Newhart. 

·        02-10-2016, 03:14 PM

CooterBrown

He looks like Lawrence from Office Space but without the mullet.

·        02-10-2016, 04:07 PM

MissingInAction

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

He looks like Lawrence from Office Space but without the mullet.

---

No mullet? I am disappoint.

·        02-10-2016, 05:06 PM

ifiwaspresident

I have never seen this thread, and was perusing on my second screen while on a videoconference with about ten people. I fucking lost it, and there was no way to get away from the video camera. That uncontrollable laughter where you make an ugly face and no sound comes out, save for the occasional whimper. I made like something went down the wrong tube and motored out of my office. I spent the next ten minutes trying to go back into my office, but each time I started to open the door I would think of it again and break down. I finally made it back. The assassin / assassination etymology lesson is where I lost it. Jimmy seems like he would be cool to hang with. I picture Radical Larry's body with Nick Nolte's voice from Tropic Thunder when I'm reading them.

·        02-10-2016, 06:07 PM

cactusflinthead

I 'm having one of those mind thingies.

·        02-10-2016, 06:12 PM

TexasEd

Quote:

---

Figgo.....faygo....fromo....frio!

---

Does he follow Insane Clown Posse?

Ask him how magnets work.

·        02-10-2016, 06:59 PM

AbeFroman

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

Interpret this dream I had:

I'm sitting on a beach with John Goodman on a beach towel. We're in Mexico. Across the way they're building a bridge to Texas. 

Goodman tells me 'Dirt bike is a good nickname name for you."

I say 'I'm really happy. The bridge looks good."

Goodman says, 'I'm really happy too, Dirt Bike.'

---

I'm going to start reading my kids Jimmy bedtime stories. They're going to grow up confused, but with a really good sense of humor.

·        02-10-2016, 07:17 PM

DigDug

Honestly can't tell if Jimmy is real, or if CooterBrown is a really clever funny writer with a great ruse. Either way, don't give a damn.

Jimmy's the best hidden gem on this site

·        02-10-2016, 07:30 PM

Gatorubet

Tell us more about this Becca person. Can she be another unlikely Jimmy conquest?

·        02-11-2016, 09:26 AM

CooterBrown

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Gatorubet 

Tell us more about this Becca person. Can she be another unlikely Jimmy conquest?

---

Nope. She hates him. Jimmy's married. He's not the cheating type.

·        02-11-2016, 10:28 AM

CooterBrown

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by TexasEd 

Does he follow Insane Clown Posse?

Ask him how magnets work.

---

ICP is one of his favorites.

I just went back there and asked everyone how magnets work. Jimmy was the first to answer: "They repulse each other."

·        02-11-2016, 10:48 AM

Red Five

Becca hates Jimmy? Well I fucking hate Becca then.

·        02-11-2016, 11:15 AM

MissingInAction

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Red Five 

Becca hates Jimmy? Well I fucking hate Becca then.

---

Yep. Time to put Becca's shit on blast.

·        02-11-2016, 11:16 AM

B

I've never liked anyone named Becca.

 

Bottom of Form

·        02-11-2016, 11:51 AM

TexasEd

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

ICP is one of his favorites.

I just went back there and asked everyone how magnets work. Jimmy was the first to answer: "They repulse each other."

---

I thought there was a strong correlation between Jimmyisms and potential ICP lyrics.
Just a little disappointed that the answer wasn't "Miracles".

·        02-11-2016, 12:22 PM

Liquor and Poker

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Soul Glo 

I know a girl who went on a job interview and was asked what she felt like she could bring to the party, and she responded "well, I could probably bring paper plates and plastic forks and napkins."

Same girl thinks it is the excess road and not the access road. She also thinks the Nixons song is "sisters in ICU" instead of "Sister I see you"


Like we are just out there trying to figure out where to place all this goddamn excess road.

---

First one could be spun into a smart comeback to a really stupid interview question.

·        02-11-2016, 12:24 PM

Celery Man

Quote:

---

I emailed Glue......uuuh........Elmer. I keep wanting to call him Elmo.

---

Love it.

Hey Jimmy.

·        02-11-2016, 12:25 PM

Liquor and Poker

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

I just realized that Jimmy's dream sounds like bad Hemingway.

---

Agreed. I immediately thought of those weird pieces that used to appear on Barking Carnival where Mack Brown and Greg Davis would go fishing and shit. There was always a line in there like "as long as the football is good." Also bad Hemingway.

·        02-11-2016, 02:57 PM

CooterBrown

"If you're watching TV and someone walks in front of you and you don't see them, is that person really there?"

·        02-11-2016, 03:01 PM

irishtexan

·        02-11-2016, 03:02 PM

Robin Masters

Jimmy's tao game is strong.

·        02-18-2016, 07:42 AM

CooterBrown

"Yo Monkey John, wanna trade bananas?"

·        02-18-2016, 08:23 AM

Kyrie Eleison

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"Yo Monkey John, wanna trade bananas?"

---

whether metaphor or literal, the answer is yes...yes i do. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

·        02-18-2016, 08:43 AM

zepol87

Fucking love Jimmy

·        02-18-2016, 09:29 AM

OnBoard

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Kyrie Eleison 

whether metaphor or literal, the answer is yes...yes i do. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

---

You just accepted an offer to meet in the stalls at yer local greyhound bus terminal

·        02-18-2016, 09:35 AM

workswithseed

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"Yo Monkey John, wanna trade bananas?"

---

Monkey John?

·        02-18-2016, 09:44 AM

CooterBrown

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by workswithseed 

Monkey John?

---

There's no one named John in the office. No idea who he was talking to. It was on the text file this morning.

·        02-18-2016, 10:04 AM

Celery Man

·        02-18-2016, 10:54 AM

hullabelew

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by B 

I've never liked anyone named Becca.

---

Is that why you use B as your Shaggy name?

·        02-18-2016, 10:56 AM

hullabelew

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

There's no one named John in the office. No idea who he was talking to. It was on the text file this morning.

---

How many people keep add to the Jimmy txt file?

·        02-18-2016, 10:58 AM

irishtexan

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

There's no one named John in the office. No idea who he was talking to. It was on the text file this morning.

---

There's a shared file where everyone in the office shares Jimmyisms? I want to hang out with Jimmy so bad.

·        02-18-2016, 11:10 AM

hullabelew

This one kills me: Sounds like something the real Ernest T. Bass would say. Or maybe even our Ernest T. 

Quote:

---

the Jimmy pre-proposal: "tell you what. You get yourself a job, I'll marry you up."

---

·        02-18-2016, 11:53 AM

llanoflash

thank the lawd. this thread disappeared to page 2. was nearly in a panic cooter forgot about all of jimmy's fans.

·        02-18-2016, 01:31 PM

TTomTerrific

I am sorry that I waited so long to open this thread.

This is fantastic.

·        02-18-2016, 02:32 PM

CooterBrown

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by hullabelew 

How many people keep add to the Jimmy txt file?

---

All 8 that sit back in that cube farm update the text file. What's sad is that it was created in '12 but I hired Jimmy in '10 so we missed out of 2 years of Jimmyisms.

·        02-18-2016, 02:35 PM

CooterBrown

"My girl is sweet. Talked chicken fried steak & mash tadors and is making it. Last meal talks works."

·        02-18-2016, 02:37 PM

zepol87

Every office needs a Jimmy. This is real team building 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G928A using Tapatalk

·        02-18-2016, 02:44 PM

CooterBrown

"That lizard planet they found...that's where Omama (Obama) is probably from."

·        02-18-2016, 02:46 PM

MissingInAction

Ok, I am using Omama from this point forward. That is just pure fucking poetry.

·        02-18-2016, 02:47 PM

SBBruin

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"That lizard planet they found...that's where Omama (Obama) is probably from."

·        02-18-2016, 08:06 PM

Rivers

I lost it at work today on Jimmy's dream. Thanks Cooter this thread is great!

·        02-18-2016, 09:31 PM

SouthernThunder

5 stars! Dirtbike is awesome.

·        02-18-2016, 10:39 PM

Gardner Barnes

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Rivers 

I lost it at work today on Jimmy's dream. Thanks Cooter this thread is great!

---

I know, right. I can't decide what is funnier. John Goldman, dirt bike. Or that jimmy is really happy the bridge looks good.

·        02-18-2016, 11:06 PM

cactusflinthead

Quote:

---

You're pressing buttons that your body can't cash.

Four score and seven years ago our fore fathers set aside a buncha land.

State of the ark television.

---

So much gold. If there was a TV show with Jimmy as a character I would watch it.

·        02-22-2016, 12:42 PM

CooterBrown

"Scott brought me back a rock from Alaska. It wasn't even a new rock!"

·        02-22-2016, 12:45 PM

Chad Fuck

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by cactusflinthead 

So much gold. If there was a TV show with Jimmy as a character I would watch it.

---

Shit My Jimmy Says.

This thread is the best thing on Shag in a while.

·        02-24-2016, 10:07 AM

CooterBrown

"Is it against the rules in girl basketball to slam dunk?"

"What's it called in basketball when they shoot from the half moon?"

"Ya know, football takes talent, but basketball, that takes skill"

·        02-24-2016, 10:08 AM

CooterBrown

"You gonna go see Batman vs Superman vs Man?"

"Wonder Woman is in it too, or at least a woman flying around with a shield"

·        02-24-2016, 10:09 AM

OnBoard

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"Is it against the rules in girl basketball to slam dunk?"

"What's it called in basketball when they shoot from the half moon?"

"Ya know, football takes talent, but basketball, that takes skill"

---

God damn modern day Confuscious is what he is......

·        02-24-2016, 10:09 AM

zepol87

What a way to start the day Haha 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G928A using Tapatalk

·        02-24-2016, 03:08 PM

Mantis Toboggan, MD

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"You gonna go see Batman vs Superman vs Man?"

"Wonder Woman is in it too, or at least a woman flying around with a shield"

---

Yes!

·        02-24-2016, 04:42 PM

Red Five

"Man vs Superman. I wonder if that's the one where he fought the Mole People" - Sam Malone

·        02-24-2016, 04:43 PM

BlueGreySky06

Jimmy for Poet Laureate.

·        02-24-2016, 10:54 PM

SouthernThunder

A coffee book with THujone MS paint along with Jimmyisms is a dream of mine.

·        02-24-2016, 11:21 PM

SBBruin

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"You gonna go see Batman vs Superman vs Man?"

"Wonder Woman is in it too, or at least a woman flying around with a shield"

---

You're not trolling us, are you Cooter?

·        02-25-2016, 02:12 AM

NorthLoop

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by SouthernThunder 

A coffee book with THujone MS paint along with Jimmyisms is a dream of mine.

---

I bet we could make that happen

·        02-25-2016, 02:15 PM

CooterBrown

"I was the 3rd Billy Goat in the Billy Goat Gruffs".

·        02-25-2016, 02:34 PM

Kyrie Eleison

·        02-25-2016, 02:35 PM

ifiwaspresident

Jimmy is a guilty pleasure of mine. I don't mind admitting it.

·        03-03-2016, 12:20 AM

Gardner Barnes

It's been too long without a Jimmy update.

·        03-03-2016, 09:42 AM

CooterBrown

Jimmy's out this week so no updates unfortunately.

However, he did tell us that he once had to get stitches on both ass cheeks. His brother convinced him to let him set off some black cat firecrackers on his bare ass. He was 34.

·        03-03-2016, 10:58 AM

The Lake Worth Monster

Jimmy,

Thanks for the memories.

·        03-09-2016, 09:14 AM

CooterBrown

Jimmy was talking in some accent.

Super Chief: "What is that supposed to be?"

Jimmy: "Italian. You know like the ninja turtles."

SC: "They were from New York."

Jimmy: "Little Italy."



"I stayed with my first wife way longer than I should have. She made really good tortillas."


"Well, I'm now batting for the other team."

SC: "uh, what?"

"Had to get glasses."

·        03-09-2016, 09:30 AM

BlueGreySky06

maybe it's the lack of jimmyisms in the last week but damn those are some good ones.

he had to pronounce italian, eye-tal-yun, right?

Bottom of Form

·        02-11-2016, 11:51 AM

TexasEd

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

ICP is one of his favorites.

I just went back there and asked everyone how magnets work. Jimmy was the first to answer: "They repulse each other."

---

I thought there was a strong correlation between Jimmyisms and potential ICP lyrics.
Just a little disappointed that the answer wasn't "Miracles".

·        02-11-2016, 12:22 PM

Liquor and Poker

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Soul Glo 

I know a girl who went on a job interview and was asked what she felt like she could bring to the party, and she responded "well, I could probably bring paper plates and plastic forks and napkins."

Same girl thinks it is the excess road and not the access road. She also thinks the Nixons song is "sisters in ICU" instead of "Sister I see you"


Like we are just out there trying to figure out where to place all this goddamn excess road.

---

First one could be spun into a smart comeback to a really stupid interview question.

·        02-11-2016, 12:24 PM

Celery Man

Quote:

---

I emailed Glue......uuuh........Elmer. I keep wanting to call him Elmo.

---

Love it.

Hey Jimmy.

·        02-11-2016, 12:25 PM

Liquor and Poker

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

I just realized that Jimmy's dream sounds like bad Hemingway.

---

Agreed. I immediately thought of those weird pieces that used to appear on Barking Carnival where Mack Brown and Greg Davis would go fishing and shit. There was always a line in there like "as long as the football is good." Also bad Hemingway.

·        02-11-2016, 02:57 PM

CooterBrown

"If you're watching TV and someone walks in front of you and you don't see them, is that person really there?"

·        02-11-2016, 03:01 PM

irishtexan

 

·        02-11-2016, 03:02 PM

Robin Masters

Jimmy's tao game is strong.

·        02-18-2016, 07:42 AM

CooterBrown

"Yo Monkey John, wanna trade bananas?"

·        02-18-2016, 08:23 AM

Kyrie Eleison

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"Yo Monkey John, wanna trade bananas?"

---

whether metaphor or literal, the answer is yes...yes i do. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

·        02-18-2016, 08:43 AM

zepol87

Fucking love Jimmy

·        02-18-2016, 09:29 AM

OnBoard

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Kyrie Eleison 

whether metaphor or literal, the answer is yes...yes i do. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

---

You just accepted an offer to meet in the stalls at yer local greyhound bus terminal

·        02-18-2016, 09:35 AM

workswithseed

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"Yo Monkey John, wanna trade bananas?"

---

Monkey John?

·        02-18-2016, 09:44 AM

CooterBrown

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by workswithseed 

Monkey John?

---

There's no one named John in the office. No idea who he was talking to. It was on the text file this morning.

·        02-18-2016, 10:04 AM

Celery Man

 

[Chad Fuck 17839]

In.

 

[CooterBrown 18089]

·        02-18-2016, 10:58 AM

irishtexan

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

There's no one named John in the office. No idea who he was talking to. It was on the text file this morning.

---

There's a shared file where everyone in the office shares Jimmyisms? I want to hang out with Jimmy so bad.

·        02-18-2016, 11:10 AM

hullabelew

This one kills me: Sounds like something the real Ernest T. Bass would say. Or maybe even our Ernest T. 

Quote:

---

the Jimmy pre-proposal: "tell you what. You get yourself a job, I'll marry you up."

---

·        02-18-2016, 11:53 AM

llanoflash

thank the lawd. this thread disappeared to page 2. was nearly in a panic cooter forgot about all of jimmy's fans.

·        02-18-2016, 01:31 PM

TTomTerrific

I am sorry that I waited so long to open this thread.

This is fantastic.

·        02-18-2016, 02:32 PM

CooterBrown

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by hullabelew 

How many people keep add to the Jimmy txt file?

---

All 8 that sit back in that cube farm update the text file. What's sad is that it was created in '12 but I hired Jimmy in '10 so we missed out of 2 years of Jimmyisms.

·        02-18-2016, 02:35 PM

CooterBrown

"My girl is sweet. Talked chicken fried steak & mash tadors and is making it. Last meal talks works."

·        02-18-2016, 02:37 PM

zepol87

Every office needs a Jimmy. This is real team building 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G928A using Tapatalk

·        02-18-2016, 02:44 PM

CooterBrown

"That lizard planet they found...that's where Omama (Obama) is probably from."

·        02-18-2016, 02:46 PM

MissingInAction

Ok, I am using Omama from this point forward. That is just pure fucking poetry.

·        02-18-2016, 02:47 PM

SBBruin

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"That lizard planet they found...that's where Omama (Obama) is probably from."

---

http://www.klphelps.com/wp-content/u...4/sleestak.jpg

·        02-18-2016, 08:06 PM

Rivers

I lost it at work today on Jimmy's dream. Thanks Cooter this thread is great!

·        02-18-2016, 09:31 PM

SouthernThunder

5 stars! Dirtbike is awesome.

·        02-18-2016, 10:39 PM

Gardner Barnes

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Rivers 

I lost it at work today on Jimmy's dream. Thanks Cooter this thread is great!

---

I know, right. I can't decide what is funnier. John Goldman, dirt bike. Or that jimmy is really happy the bridge looks good.

·        02-18-2016, 11:06 PM

cactusflinthead

Quote:

---

You're pressing buttons that your body can't cash.

Four score and seven years ago our fore fathers set aside a buncha land.

State of the ark television.

---

So much gold. If there was a TV show with Jimmy as a character I would watch it.

·        02-22-2016, 12:42 PM

CooterBrown

"Scott brought me back a rock from Alaska. It wasn't even a new rock!"

·        02-22-2016, 12:45 PM

Chad Fuck

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by cactusflinthead 

So much gold. If there was a TV show with Jimmy as a character I would watch it.

---

Shit My Jimmy Says.

This thread is the best thing on Shag in a while.

·        02-24-2016, 10:07 AM

CooterBrown

"Is it against the rules in girl basketball to slam dunk?"

"What's it called in basketball when they shoot from the half moon?"

"Ya know, football takes talent, but basketball, that takes skill"

·        02-24-2016, 10:08 AM

CooterBrown

"You gonna go see Batman vs Superman vs Man?"

"Wonder Woman is in it too, or at least a woman flying around with a shield"

·        02-24-2016, 10:09 AM

OnBoard

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"Is it against the rules in girl basketball to slam dunk?"

"What's it called in basketball when they shoot from the half moon?"

"Ya know, football takes talent, but basketball, that takes skill"

---

God damn modern day Confuscious is what he is......

·        02-24-2016, 10:09 AM

zepol87

What a way to start the day Haha 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G928A using Tapatalk

·        02-24-2016, 03:08 PM

Mantis Toboggan, MD

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"You gonna go see Batman vs Superman vs Man?"

"Wonder Woman is in it too, or at least a woman flying around with a shield"

---

Yes!

·        02-24-2016, 04:42 PM

Red Five

"Man vs Superman. I wonder if that's the one where he fought the Mole People" - Sam Malone

·        02-24-2016, 04:43 PM

BlueGreySky06

Jimmy for Poet Laureate.

·        02-24-2016, 10:54 PM

SouthernThunder

A coffee book with THujone MS paint along with Jimmyisms is a dream of mine.

·        02-24-2016, 11:21 PM

SBBruin

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"You gonna go see Batman vs Superman vs Man?"

"Wonder Woman is in it too, or at least a woman flying around with a shield"

---

You're not trolling us, are you Cooter?

·        02-25-2016, 02:12 AM

NorthLoop

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by SouthernThunder 

A coffee book with THujone MS paint along with Jimmyisms is a dream of mine.

---

I bet we could make that happen

·        02-25-2016, 02:15 PM

CooterBrown

"I was the 3rd Billy Goat in the Billy Goat Gruffs".

·        02-25-2016, 02:34 PM

Kyrie Eleison

·        02-25-2016, 02:35 PM

ifiwaspresident

Jimmy is a guilty pleasure of mine. I don't mind admitting it.

·        03-03-2016, 12:20 AM

Gardner Barnes

It's been too long without a Jimmy update.

·        03-03-2016, 09:42 AM

CooterBrown

Jimmy's out this week so no updates unfortunately.

However, he did tell us that he once had to get stitches on both ass cheeks. His brother convinced him to let him set off some black cat firecrackers on his bare ass. He was 34.

·        03-03-2016, 10:58 AM

The Lake Worth Monster

Jimmy,

Thanks for the memories.

·        03-09-2016, 09:14 AM

CooterBrown

Jimmy was talking in some accent.

Super Chief: "What is that supposed to be?"

Jimmy: "Italian. You know like the ninja turtles."

SC: "They were from New York."

Jimmy: "Little Italy."



"I stayed with my first wife way longer than I should have. She made really good tortillas."


"Well, I'm now batting for the other team."

SC: "uh, what?"

"Had to get glasses."

·        03-09-2016, 09:30 AM

BlueGreySky06

maybe it's the lack of jimmyisms in the last week but damn those are some good ones.

he had to pronounce italian, eye-tal-yun, right?

Bottom of Form

·        04-01-2016, 04:03 PM

unklphucker

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"Does anyone else have the ability to taste and smell colors?"

---

Sent this to a co-worker, their reply was "Skittles".

·        04-01-2016, 04:59 PM

Dennis Taylor

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

Interpret this dream I had:

I'm sitting on a beach with John Goodman on a beach towel. We're in Mexico. Across the way they're building a bridge to Texas. 

Goodman tells me 'Dirt bike is a good nickname name for you."

I say 'I'm really happy. The bridge looks good."

Goodman says, 'I'm really happy too, Dirt Bike.'

---

I'm dying about the Goodman reference because I already had a mental image of Jimmy as the 3rd Snoats brother

·        04-02-2016, 09:47 PM

Rex Kramer

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Kyrie Eleison 

his ass needs to be in customer service or sales...he'd make y'all a shitload of money.

---

No shit. I've got a good friend whose family owns a country club / high-end residential development near Boerne. His former HS golf coach was their top real estate salesman. He was hired because while he leads his life in a train wreck manner, his is literally the funniest guy I've ever met, he is the quickest-witted guy I know, and he endears himself to everyone. People would pay a million dollars for a lot because this guy sold it to them. He's not the smartest guy in the world, but the dumb shit he says was definitely a bit to keep his legend growing. 

Sounds like Jimmy may be like that. Not sure. Harris was definitely doing a bit. If he's functional at the office, he's doing bits. But who cares? He's funny as shit (I just discovered this thread today - wow). You need to put him in whatever sales role you can, and then up your D&O policies.

·        04-02-2016, 09:50 PM

Rex Kramer

Also, there was a girl that worked with him that collected the stupid shit he'd say and email it to me monthly. They sound very similar except Harris was highly aware of the stupid shit he was saying. Not sure about Jimmy.

·        04-03-2016, 07:36 AM

OnBoard

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Rippin' lips 

I've had blind people tell me they can hear colors.

---

Blind drunk ?

·        04-03-2016, 08:13 AM

Dutchrudder

I got my earphones out and started googling stuff from the OP expecting to find these quotes from a tv show I have never seen. This is some great OC. Jimmy is an oracle of shaggyisms. Bravo!

·        04-04-2016, 09:20 AM

CooterBrown

"Tina told me my mouth was writing checks my ass can't cash. I told her, 'babe, my ass is shitting out hunnerds all over creation.' "

·        04-04-2016, 09:22 AM

MissingInAction

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"Tina told me my mouth was writing checks my ass can't cash. I told her, 'babe, my ass is shitting out hunnerds all over creation.' "

---

I don't have any tattoos, but that would be the first if I ever got the balls to do it.

·        04-04-2016, 09:40 AM

zepol87

Fucking greatness 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G928A using Tapatalk

·        04-04-2016, 10:18 AM

workswithseed

Dirt Bike! Dirt Bike! Dirt Bike!

·        04-05-2016, 09:29 AM

CooterBrown

Jimmy singing..."I can see cleeeeeaaarly noooooow with glaaaaasses oooon. That song is from the 50's and the 60's."

·        04-05-2016, 09:31 AM

OnBoard

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

Jimmy singing..."I can see cleeeeeaaarly noooooow with glaaaaasses oooon. That song is from the 50's and the 60's."

---

A got damn American Icon I tell ya.

·        04-05-2016, 09:36 AM

ifiwaspresident

Honestly, I don't think I'm engaging in hyperbole when I say Jimmy is a legitimate candidate for Poet Laureate.

·        04-05-2016, 10:50 AM

Rex Kramer

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"Tina told me my mouth was writing checks my ass can't cash. I told her, 'babe, my ass is shitting out hunnerds all over creation.' "

---

This line has me laughing the hardest out of all Jimmy-isms. This is great. God I wish my wife would say the above to me so I can recreate this line. The fact that he uses "creation" is icing on a damn good cake.

·        04-05-2016, 12:23 PM

unklphucker

I'd be in favor of an "ask Jimmy anything" segment here.

·        04-06-2016, 09:00 AM

MissingInAction

I would love to hear dirt bike's take on Nacho Urias the Waxahachie Playboy Party animal.

·        04-06-2016, 09:51 AM

OnBoard

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by MissingInAction 

I would love to hear dirt bike's take on Nacho Urias the Waxahachie Playboy Party animal.

---

I'd imagine he is that guy.

·        04-06-2016, 02:30 PM

CooterBrown

"Saw a tomato-potato plant from QVC. Tomatoes on top, potatoes on bottom. Same plant. That's why it's a tomato-potato plant not a potato-tomato plant."

·        04-06-2016, 02:30 PM

CooterBrown

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by MissingInAction 

I would love to hear dirt bike's take on Nacho Urias the Waxahachie Playboy Party animal.

---

Nacho unfriended him. No idea why.

·        04-06-2016, 02:34 PM

Celery Man

You'd see a guy like Jimmy and think, "I bet this guy watches Wrestlemania". You'd be wrong, though. He watches ants. And QVC.

·        04-06-2016, 02:59 PM

Stilicho

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"Saw a tomato-potato plant from QVC. Tomatoes on top, potatoes on bottom. Same plant. That's why it's a tomato-potato plant not a potato-tomato plant."

---

Mind. Blown.

·        04-06-2016, 05:14 PM

Robin Masters

I had to go trust but verify on this
http://www.qvc.com/Cottage-Farms-Ket...ct.M48962.html

I'd like to say I'll never doubt again, but I will.

"Same plant."

·        04-13-2016, 03:30 PM

CooterBrown

"They look like brothers. Or twins. ...which would be brothers."

"Do they have allergies in other places or is it an Austin thing?"

"My pecker's sore."

·        04-13-2016, 04:01 PM

J.R.

oh dirt bike

·        04-13-2016, 04:13 PM

Celery Man

My pecker's sore too, dirt bike.

·        04-13-2016, 04:27 PM

The Chrisser

There is a very Jack Handey-esque "Deep Thoughts" quality to Dirt Bike's musings. Me likey!

·        04-13-2016, 04:27 PM

OnBoard

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Celery Man 

My pecker's sore too, dirt bike.

---

Well stop playing with it ya moron....

·        04-13-2016, 04:28 PM

OnBoard

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by The Chrisser 

There is a very Jack Handey-esque "Deep Thoughts" quality to Dirt Bike's musings. Me likey!

---

Handy was a TV character, Jimmy is for realzz.

·        04-13-2016, 04:34 PM

The Chrisser

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by OnBoard 

Handy was a TV character, Jimmy is for realzz.

---

Um, I'm pretty sure Handy was a famous 20th century philosophizer.

·        04-13-2016, 04:46 PM

OnBoard

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by The Chrisser 

Um, I'm pretty sure Handy was a famous 20th century philosophizer.

---

Yeah my bad, what was I thinking.....

He should get a reality TV philosophizing series

·        04-13-2016, 08:15 PM

MAUFRAIS

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by OnBoard 

Handy was a TV character, Jimmy is for realzz.

---

not only is jack handey a real guy and that is his real name, but he is from texas.

·        04-21-2016, 01:23 PM

CooterBrown

"Marijuana is a stairway drug."

"If you think come up with Trumpumisms...sell them to Trump, he'd buy them...dumpthetrump.com. It's a money maker. Sure thing."

Jimmy's latest dream:

"I was in Mexico walking down a street. Some cops are throwing a lady against a wall. I think I'd just be razor scootering on the other side. Then 3 guys tried to fight me. I beat them to death with the razor scooter."

·        04-21-2016, 05:06 PM

Suck Brickland

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"Marijuana is a stairway drug."

---

This is what genius looks like.

·        04-21-2016, 06:09 PM

Rivers

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_6KTGBjpyM

·        04-21-2016, 06:44 PM

zepol87

Razor scooter is greatness 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G928A using Tapatalk

·        04-21-2016, 11:41 PM

Prepuce of Doom

Jimmy's dreams seem to have a common theme of including childrens' conveyances.

·        04-22-2016, 03:54 AM

Bath Salt Dealer

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"Do they have allergies in other places or is it an Austin thing?"
"

---

I thought this was a real thing. Don't doctors tell people with bad allergies to move to Arizona or some shit? If I have a bit of Jimmyism thinking I consider that good and will own it for sure.

·        04-22-2016, 09:06 AM

CooterBrown

"Honey, why don't you get over here and jimmy my jimmy jimmy."

·        04-22-2016, 01:09 PM

CooterBrown

(group discussion on credit card theft)

Jimmy interrupting: "There was this teacher...trainer...boot ca-fit bit gal in Dallas. Killed in church by a SWAT policeman."

Scott: "What the hell does that have to do with credit cards?"

Jimmy: "They're both illegal."

Paul: "The killer was fake SWAT."

Jimmy: "The knee pads made it. That's how you know he was SWAT."

·        04-22-2016, 01:22 PM

BlueGreySky06

jimmy my jimmy jimmy. classic.

·        04-22-2016, 02:09 PM

Mantis Toboggan, MD

sweet, sweet jimmy

·        04-25-2016, 09:18 AM

CooterBrown

"I used to be able to write so small, only an ant could read it!"

"Growing up I had a telescope. Never saw no flag on the moon. That's how I know it's fake...for mind control."

·        04-25-2016, 09:42 AM

Robin Masters

ROFLLL, of course he thinks moon landings fake, you didn't even have to tell us.
Still I'd like to believe this was his telescope growing up
http://news.utexas.edu/sites/news.ut...t_aerial_2.jpg

·        04-25-2016, 10:16 AM

Gardner Barnes

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

(group discussion on credit card theft)

Jimmy interrupting: "There was this teacher...trainer...boot ca-fit bit gal in Dallas. Killed in church by a SWAT policeman."

Scott: "What the hell does that have to do with credit cards?"

Jimmy: "They're both illegal."

Paul: "The killer was fake SWAT."

Jimmy: "The knee pads made it. That's how you know he was SWAT."

---

This is my second favorite story behind dirtbike. I can image the faces in the room looked something like Jaguars guy. 

·        04-25-2016, 10:54 AM

Chad Fuck

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"I used to be able to write so small, only an ant could read it!"

"Growing up I had a telescope. Never saw no flag on the moon. That's how I know it's fake...for mind control."

---

I need this printed on a T-shirt beneath the Nasa logo.

·        04-25-2016, 11:06 AM

ihateowho

Ramjets head is going to explode when he reads that

·        04-25-2016, 11:32 AM

DeftwillP

Shittin hunnerts all over creation. Damn.

·        04-25-2016, 12:28 PM

unklphucker

Somewhere deep in an ant hill are the sacred scrolls given to them by their messiah, the one they call "Dirt Bike". The ants will rise again!

·        04-25-2016, 12:31 PM

workswithseed

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by unklphucker 

Somewhere deep in an ant hill are the sacred scrolls given to them by their messiah, the one they call "Dirt Bike". The ants will rise again!

---

W for all ants? Maybe he'll teach RIFAs to stop taking overy the damn state, as well as crazy ants .

·        04-26-2016, 11:21 AM

CooterBrown

"I cut back on beer. Except when I don't. When I don't, I really don't. Other than that, I don't drink much anymore."

Bottom of Form

·        04-26-2016, 11:48 AM

Dillo Pad

Does jimmy have a twitter account?

·        04-26-2016, 12:29 PM

OnBoard

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"I cut back on beer. Except when I don't. When I don't, I really don't. Other than that, I don't drink much anymore."

---

There are truths and then there are truths. This is the latter.

·        04-26-2016, 12:58 PM

Chad Fuck

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"I cut back on beer. Except when I don't. When I don't, I really don't. Other than that, I don't drink much anymore."

---

Everyday I think I've seen the mother of all Jimmyisms. And then...

·        04-26-2016, 01:25 PM

CooterBrown

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Dillo Pad 

Does jimmy have a twitter account?

---

I just asked. Nope.

·        04-26-2016, 01:28 PM

YChang

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

I just asked. Nope.

---

Does he know what it is?

·        04-26-2016, 05:37 PM

BlueGreySky06

you should offer to set one up for him.

·        04-26-2016, 06:02 PM

Bevo Num1

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by unklphucker 

Somewhere deep in an ant hill are the sacred scrolls given to them by their messiah, the one they call "Dirt Bike". The ants will rise again!

---

Maybe we're the ants and some cosmic Jimmy has written the secrets to the universe that we have yet to discover or maybe the writing is too big for us to notice.

·        04-28-2016, 02:51 PM

CooterBrown

"he was part of the Brat Pack, ya know... that one guy who played in that movie with Cuba Downey Jr."

"time to button down the hatches"

"I'm gonna find out if my way is the highway or if the highway is the right way."

·        04-28-2016, 03:05 PM

Celery Man

It's like... you don't pack that much wisdom into malapropisms if you don't have something to say.

Fucking Cuba Downey Jr. Because he has three names like Robert Downey Jr., and in that one movie he played a guy with downs?

·        04-28-2016, 06:27 PM

Chewbacca

"I'm gonna find out if my way is the highway or if the highway is the right way." 

This one is just killing me. I love Dirt Bike.

·        04-30-2016, 12:00 AM

TexasEd

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by BlueGreySky06 

you should offer to set one up for him.

---

Twitter handle should be Dirt Bike

·        05-01-2016, 09:20 AM

Gardner Barnes

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by TexasEd 

Twitter handle should be Dirt Bike

---

Dirt bike is perfect for Twitter.

·        05-01-2016, 02:56 PM

DeftwillP

@therealdirtbike

·        05-01-2016, 03:14 PM

workswithseed

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by DeftwillP 

@therealdirtbike

---

Boom! Do it!

·        05-01-2016, 03:55 PM

CooterBrown

Eh. It's better on shaggy. Twitter sucks.

·        05-02-2016, 12:30 PM

CooterBrown

"My ex wife once sent me a birthday cake at work. I put it in the break room so anybody could get a piece. Later I remembered she had poisoned me before."

"What these guys do..did...done...still do..."

Adam: "Jimmy have you seen people fishing with drones?"
Jimmy: "I seen a lot of things. (long pause) Jesus. I've seen things."

·        05-02-2016, 12:38 PM

Stilicho

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"My ex wife once sent me a birthday cake at work. I put it in the break room so anybody could get a piece. Later I remembered she had poisoned me before."

"What these guys do..did...done...still do..."

Adam: "Jimmy have you seen people fishing with drones?"
Jimmy: "I seen a lot of things. (long pause) Jesus. I've seen things."

---

... I want to know what he's seen. I want to know. I want to believe.

·        05-02-2016, 12:55 PM

lurch

The sheer amount of material is staggering. You have to assume a good chunk of it is never written down, either.

·        05-02-2016, 01:14 PM

CooterBrown

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by lurch 

The sheer amount of material is staggering. You have to assume a good chunk of it is never written down, either.

---

The list wasn't started until more than 2 years into Jimmy's employment so hundreds have been lost. Also, there's a lot of long stories that are impossible to document. For example, at lunch Jimmy stopped by my office and was talking about fighting people with broken glass glued to his hands like in Bloodsport and something about teaching skills to his son. I don't even know how to start with that one.

·        05-02-2016, 01:26 PM

trey3216

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by DeftwillP 

Shittin hunnerts all over creation. Damn.

---

The only thing missing is if he had said 'crenation', i'd have had heart failure.

·        05-02-2016, 01:29 PM

OnBoard

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

I don't even know how to start with that one.

---

From the beginning my man, from the beginning.

·        05-02-2016, 01:30 PM

trey3216

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"My ex wife once sent me a birthday cake at work. I put it in the break room so anybody could get a piece. Later I remembered she had poisoned me before."

"What these guys do..did...done...still do..."

Adam: "Jimmy have you seen people fishing with drones?"
Jimmy: "I seen a lot of things. (long pause) Jesus. I've seen things."

---

I may have to quit working for the day, literally can't stop laughing about this one.

·        05-02-2016, 01:38 PM

unklphucker

Sounds like he got a look at Hope Solo.

·        05-02-2016, 03:15 PM

BlueGreySky06

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

Adam: "Jimmy have you seen people fishing with drones?"
Jimmy: "I seen a lot of things. (long pause) Jesus. I've seen things."

---

holy fuck this one slayed me.

·        05-02-2016, 04:49 PM

OnBoard

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by BlueGreySky06 

holy fuck this one slayed me.

---

I'm betting Jimmys antics have been on the end of things being seen as well.

·        05-02-2016, 05:02 PM

Xian

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"My ex wife once sent me a birthday cake at work. I put it in the break room so anybody could get a piece. Later I remembered she had poisoned me before."

"What these guys do..did...done...still do..."

Adam: "Jimmy have you seen people fishing with drones?"
Jimmy: "I seen a lot of things. (long pause) Jesus. I've seen things."

---

this honestly might be the funniest thing i have ever read on the Shag

·        05-02-2016, 05:47 PM

Gardner Barnes

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Xian 

this honestly might be the funniest thing i have ever read on the Shag

---

Agree. this one finally topped the dirtbike story.

·        05-03-2016, 09:20 AM

Dillo Pad

Cooter you need to register @dirtbike and start putting this out there for the masses.

·        05-03-2016, 10:05 AM

Red Five

Cooter can you please get the original poisoning story? TIA

·        05-03-2016, 01:08 PM

BlueGreySky06

^^^ what he said.

·        05-03-2016, 02:27 PM

CheeseWeasel

"The original poisoning story". 

Beautiful.

·        05-03-2016, 02:49 PM

CooterBrown

"I used to go to Eyore's Birthday Party. Liked me some drum circles. I was good. Not Celine Dion good but at least Kenny G good. What do you call those people? Furbies? Lots of furbies going on."

·        05-03-2016, 03:05 PM

CooterBrown

He just told us The Original Poisoning Story...hopefully, my transcribing does it justice...

"So back when I first started seeing Tina (current wife) my ex called me to come over to her apartment. We'd been separated for like 6 months. She forged my name on a lease at Mansions of Steiner Ranch. We are talking divorce stuff. She offers me a beer. I thought it was weird since she never once offered to get me a beer while we were married. I drank it. She then asked me if I wanted another, so I drank a 2nd beer. Then she asked again...now I'm thinking she's trying to win Jimmy back but nope I got the good stuff at home now. I drink a 3rd. I start to feel a little sick so I go out on the back patio. I look down in the beer and it's foaming up a thick white foam. I keep drinking. She brings me another and I keep drinking. This one is foaming up too. She then locks me out on the patio and yells at me "Fuck you you motherfucker! If you want out you need to jump!" I look down, it's a long ways. Like 30 or 40 feet. I lay down on the patio. I then wake up standing up in the living room. I don't know if I jumped or if she let me back in. Her new boyfriend, now ex-husband is there. He tells me to leave. I call Tina to come get since I didn't have a car and used a taxi to get there. Next thing I know I'm out in the woods. I guess I just started walking. Tina finally found me on the side of the road a few hours later. The next morning my ex called and said she was sorry for trying to kill me but at the moment she felt it was the proper thing to do.

·        05-03-2016, 03:11 PM

DeftwillP

Ad Hawk. It's Latin for Incredible Hulk

This is why we need über....for the jimmies out there who get poisoned by 3rd wives

·        05-03-2016, 03:11 PM

ihateowho

 

·        05-03-2016, 03:19 PM

lurch

Quote:

---

I don't know if I jumped or if she let me back in

---

That's the most sane part of the story.

·        05-03-2016, 03:37 PM

BlueGreySky06

jimmy's life NEEDS to be a movie. 

i don't know if it's right or not, but i mostly read his stuff with this guy's character/voice,

http://i1.wp.com/geargods.net/wp-con...fit=690%2C1024

·        05-03-2016, 04:30 PM

Captain Obvious

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

He just told us The Original Poisoning Story...hopefully, my transcribing does it justice...

"So back when I first started seeing Tina (current wife) my ex called me to come over to her apartment. We'd been separated for like 6 months. She forged my name on a lease at Mansions of Steiner Ranch. We are talking divorce stuff. She offers me a beer. I thought it was weird since she never once offered to get me a beer while we were married. I drank it. She then asked me if I wanted another, so I drank a 2nd beer. Then she asked again...now I'm thinking she's trying to win Jimmy back but nope I got the good stuff at home now. I drink a 3rd. I start to feel a little sick so I go out on the back patio. I look down in the beer and it's foaming up a thick white foam. I keep drinking. She brings me another and I keep drinking. This one is foaming up too. She then locks me out on the patio and yells at me "$#@! you you $#@!! If you want out you need to jump!" I look down, it's a long ways. Like 30 or 40 feet. I lay down on the patio. I then wake up standing up in the living room. I don't know if I jumped or if she let me back in. Her new boyfriend, now ex-husband is there. He tells me to leave. I call Tina to come get since I didn't have a car and used a taxi to get there. Next thing I know I'm out in the woods. I guess I just started walking. Tina finally found me on the side of the road a few hours later. The next morning my ex called and said she was sorry for trying to kill me but at the moment she felt it was the proper thing to do.

---

It must never have occurred to Jimmy that maybe the beer wasn't poisoned and his ex-wife just figured he'd take her up on the offer to jump. I mean, I wouldn't have been shocked if he opted to jump without drinking the beer.

Still, I'm glad he didn't jump because now we have this glorious thread.

·        05-03-2016, 04:33 PM

Thermos H Christ

And this same woman later baked him a birthday cake? Yeah, he probably should have been suspicious.

·        05-03-2016, 05:21 PM

llanoflash

"I'm gonna find out if my way is the highway or if the highway is the right way." 

Yogi Berra my ass. 
Dirt Bike rules.

·        05-03-2016, 05:52 PM

SmokeBomb

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"

Adam: "Jimmy have you seen people fishing with drones?"
Jimmy: "I seen a lot of things. (long pause) Jesus. I've seen things."

---

I just read this thread and this quote is the funniest thing I've read on Shaggy. I was literally crying laughing. By itself it isn't all that funny but after reading up on ole dirt bike, it's perfect.

·        05-03-2016, 06:23 PM

Chad Fuck

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Captain Obvious 

It must never have occurred to Jimmy that maybe the beer wasn't poisoned and his ex-wife just figured he'd take her up on the offer to jump. I mean, I wouldn't have been shocked if he opted to jump without drinking the beer.

Still, I'm glad he didn't jump because now we have this glorious thread.

---

Do you really think four beers are enough to fuck up Dirt Bike?

·        05-03-2016, 06:45 PM

Robin Masters

I would pay you to work in Jimmy's department for a week.

·        05-03-2016, 06:47 PM

Captain Obvious

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Robin Masters 

I would pay you to work in Jimmy's department for a week.

---

Working with Jimmy should at least net an endless supply of unpaid interns. Your company (or just you) needs to take advantage of the situation.

·        05-04-2016, 07:52 AM

Tuco Ramirez

I think it's funny he keeps drinking after feeling sick and noticing something off about the beer. There is something Homer and giant sub about that.

·        05-04-2016, 12:12 PM

CooterBrown

"Hey Lisa, what's the vegetarian version of chicken fried steak? Portamellow mushrooms?"


J: "Pop a willy!"
S: "It's wheelie."
J: "Not the willy I'm talking about."

·        05-04-2016, 12:27 PM

zepol87

Jimmy makes my day 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G928A using Tapatalk

·        05-04-2016, 12:30 PM

HenryJames

Jimmy's playing chess while the rest of us play checkers.

·        05-04-2016, 01:06 PM

trey3216

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by HenryJames 

Jimmy's playing chess while the rest of us play checkers.

---

Jimmy's playing mahjong while the rest of us play uno.

·        05-04-2016, 01:28 PM

Red Five

Welp, they're portamellow from here on out.

Bottom of Form

·        04-26-2016, 11:48 AM

Dillo Pad

Does jimmy have a twitter account?

·        04-26-2016, 12:29 PM

OnBoard

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"I cut back on beer. Except when I don't. When I don't, I really don't. Other than that, I don't drink much anymore."

---

There are truths and then there are truths. This is the latter.

·        04-26-2016, 12:58 PM

Chad Fuck

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"I cut back on beer. Except when I don't. When I don't, I really don't. Other than that, I don't drink much anymore."

---

Everyday I think I've seen the mother of all Jimmyisms. And then...

·        04-26-2016, 01:25 PM

CooterBrown

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Dillo Pad 

Does jimmy have a twitter account?

---

I just asked. Nope.

·        04-26-2016, 01:28 PM

YChang

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

I just asked. Nope.

---

Does he know what it is?

·        04-26-2016, 05:37 PM

BlueGreySky06

you should offer to set one up for him.

·        04-26-2016, 06:02 PM

Bevo Num1

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by unklphucker 

Somewhere deep in an ant hill are the sacred scrolls given to them by their messiah, the one they call "Dirt Bike". The ants will rise again!

---

Maybe we're the ants and some cosmic Jimmy has written the secrets to the universe that we have yet to discover or maybe the writing is too big for us to notice.

·        04-28-2016, 02:51 PM

CooterBrown

"he was part of the Brat Pack, ya know... that one guy who played in that movie with Cuba Downey Jr."

"time to button down the hatches"

"I'm gonna find out if my way is the highway or if the highway is the right way."

·        04-28-2016, 03:05 PM

Celery Man

It's like... you don't pack that much wisdom into malapropisms if you don't have something to say.

Fucking Cuba Downey Jr. Because he has three names like Robert Downey Jr., and in that one movie he played a guy with downs?

·        04-28-2016, 06:27 PM

Chewbacca

"I'm gonna find out if my way is the highway or if the highway is the right way." 

This one is just killing me. I love Dirt Bike.

·        04-30-2016, 12:00 AM

TexasEd

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by BlueGreySky06 

you should offer to set one up for him.

---

Twitter handle should be Dirt Bike

·        05-01-2016, 09:20 AM

Gardner Barnes

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by TexasEd 

Twitter handle should be Dirt Bike

---

Dirt bike is perfect for Twitter.

·        05-01-2016, 02:56 PM

DeftwillP

@therealdirtbike

·        05-01-2016, 03:14 PM

workswithseed

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by DeftwillP 

@therealdirtbike

---

Boom! Do it!

·        05-01-2016, 03:55 PM

CooterBrown

Eh. It's better on shaggy. Twitter sucks.

·        05-02-2016, 12:30 PM

CooterBrown

"My ex wife once sent me a birthday cake at work. I put it in the break room so anybody could get a piece. Later I remembered she had poisoned me before."

"What these guys do..did...done...still do..."

Adam: "Jimmy have you seen people fishing with drones?"
Jimmy: "I seen a lot of things. (long pause) Jesus. I've seen things."

·        05-02-2016, 12:38 PM

Stilicho

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"My ex wife once sent me a birthday cake at work. I put it in the break room so anybody could get a piece. Later I remembered she had poisoned me before."

"What these guys do..did...done...still do..."

Adam: "Jimmy have you seen people fishing with drones?"
Jimmy: "I seen a lot of things. (long pause) Jesus. I've seen things."

---

... I want to know what he's seen. I want to know. I want to believe.

·        05-02-2016, 12:55 PM

lurch

The sheer amount of material is staggering. You have to assume a good chunk of it is never written down, either.

·        05-02-2016, 01:14 PM

CooterBrown

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by lurch 

The sheer amount of material is staggering. You have to assume a good chunk of it is never written down, either.

---

The list wasn't started until more than 2 years into Jimmy's employment so hundreds have been lost. Also, there's a lot of long stories that are impossible to document. For example, at lunch Jimmy stopped by my office and was talking about fighting people with broken glass glued to his hands like in Bloodsport and something about teaching skills to his son. I don't even know how to start with that one.

·        05-02-2016, 01:26 PM

trey3216

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by DeftwillP 

Shittin hunnerts all over creation. Damn.

---

The only thing missing is if he had said 'crenation', i'd have had heart failure.

·        05-02-2016, 01:29 PM

OnBoard

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

I don't even know how to start with that one.

---

From the beginning my man, from the beginning.

·        05-02-2016, 01:30 PM

trey3216

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"My ex wife once sent me a birthday cake at work. I put it in the break room so anybody could get a piece. Later I remembered she had poisoned me before."

"What these guys do..did...done...still do..."

Adam: "Jimmy have you seen people fishing with drones?"
Jimmy: "I seen a lot of things. (long pause) Jesus. I've seen things."

---

I may have to quit working for the day, literally can't stop laughing about this one.

·        05-02-2016, 01:38 PM

unklphucker

Sounds like he got a look at Hope Solo.

·        05-02-2016, 03:15 PM

BlueGreySky06

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

Adam: "Jimmy have you seen people fishing with drones?"
Jimmy: "I seen a lot of things. (long pause) Jesus. I've seen things."

---

holy fuck this one slayed me.

·        05-02-2016, 04:49 PM

OnBoard

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by BlueGreySky06 

holy fuck this one slayed me.

---

I'm betting Jimmys antics have been on the end of things being seen as well.

·        05-02-2016, 05:02 PM

Xian

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"My ex wife once sent me a birthday cake at work. I put it in the break room so anybody could get a piece. Later I remembered she had poisoned me before."

"What these guys do..did...done...still do..."

Adam: "Jimmy have you seen people fishing with drones?"
Jimmy: "I seen a lot of things. (long pause) Jesus. I've seen things."

---

this honestly might be the funniest thing i have ever read on the Shag

·        05-02-2016, 05:47 PM

Gardner Barnes

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Xian 

this honestly might be the funniest thing i have ever read on the Shag

---

Agree. this one finally topped the dirtbike story.

·        05-03-2016, 09:20 AM

Dillo Pad

Cooter you need to register @dirtbike and start putting this out there for the masses.

·        05-03-2016, 10:05 AM

Red Five

Cooter can you please get the original poisoning story? TIA

·        05-03-2016, 01:08 PM

BlueGreySky06

^^^ what he said.

·        05-03-2016, 02:27 PM

CheeseWeasel

"The original poisoning story". 

Beautiful.

·        05-03-2016, 02:49 PM

CooterBrown

"I used to go to Eyore's Birthday Party. Liked me some drum circles. I was good. Not Celine Dion good but at least Kenny G good. What do you call those people? Furbies? Lots of furbies going on."

·        05-03-2016, 03:05 PM

CooterBrown

He just told us The Original Poisoning Story...hopefully, my transcribing does it justice...

"So back when I first started seeing Tina (current wife) my ex called me to come over to her apartment. We'd been separated for like 6 months. She forged my name on a lease at Mansions of Steiner Ranch. We are talking divorce stuff. She offers me a beer. I thought it was weird since she never once offered to get me a beer while we were married. I drank it. She then asked me if I wanted another, so I drank a 2nd beer. Then she asked again...now I'm thinking she's trying to win Jimmy back but nope I got the good stuff at home now. I drink a 3rd. I start to feel a little sick so I go out on the back patio. I look down in the beer and it's foaming up a thick white foam. I keep drinking. She brings me another and I keep drinking. This one is foaming up too. She then locks me out on the patio and yells at me "Fuck you you motherfucker! If you want out you need to jump!" I look down, it's a long ways. Like 30 or 40 feet. I lay down on the patio. I then wake up standing up in the living room. I don't know if I jumped or if she let me back in. Her new boyfriend, now ex-husband is there. He tells me to leave. I call Tina to come get since I didn't have a car and used a taxi to get there. Next thing I know I'm out in the woods. I guess I just started walking. Tina finally found me on the side of the road a few hours later. The next morning my ex called and said she was sorry for trying to kill me but at the moment she felt it was the proper thing to do.

·        05-03-2016, 03:11 PM

DeftwillP

Ad Hawk. It's Latin for Incredible Hulk

This is why we need über....for the jimmies out there who get poisoned by 3rd wives

·        05-03-2016, 03:11 PM

ihateowho

 

·        05-03-2016, 03:19 PM

lurch

Quote:

---

I don't know if I jumped or if she let me back in

---

That's the most sane part of the story.

·        05-03-2016, 03:37 PM

BlueGreySky06

jimmy's life NEEDS to be a movie. 

i don't know if it's right or not, but i mostly read his stuff with this guy's character/voice,

http://i1.wp.com/geargods.net/wp-con...fit=690%2C1024

·        05-03-2016, 04:30 PM

Captain Obvious

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

He just told us The Original Poisoning Story...hopefully, my transcribing does it justice...

"So back when I first started seeing Tina (current wife) my ex called me to come over to her apartment. We'd been separated for like 6 months. She forged my name on a lease at Mansions of Steiner Ranch. We are talking divorce stuff. She offers me a beer. I thought it was weird since she never once offered to get me a beer while we were married. I drank it. She then asked me if I wanted another, so I drank a 2nd beer. Then she asked again...now I'm thinking she's trying to win Jimmy back but nope I got the good stuff at home now. I drink a 3rd. I start to feel a little sick so I go out on the back patio. I look down in the beer and it's foaming up a thick white foam. I keep drinking. She brings me another and I keep drinking. This one is foaming up too. She then locks me out on the patio and yells at me "$#@! you you $#@!! If you want out you need to jump!" I look down, it's a long ways. Like 30 or 40 feet. I lay down on the patio. I then wake up standing up in the living room. I don't know if I jumped or if she let me back in. Her new boyfriend, now ex-husband is there. He tells me to leave. I call Tina to come get since I didn't have a car and used a taxi to get there. Next thing I know I'm out in the woods. I guess I just started walking. Tina finally found me on the side of the road a few hours later. The next morning my ex called and said she was sorry for trying to kill me but at the moment she felt it was the proper thing to do.

---

It must never have occurred to Jimmy that maybe the beer wasn't poisoned and his ex-wife just figured he'd take her up on the offer to jump. I mean, I wouldn't have been shocked if he opted to jump without drinking the beer.

Still, I'm glad he didn't jump because now we have this glorious thread.

·        05-03-2016, 04:33 PM

Thermos H Christ

And this same woman later baked him a birthday cake? Yeah, he probably should have been suspicious.

·        05-03-2016, 05:21 PM

llanoflash

"I'm gonna find out if my way is the highway or if the highway is the right way." 

Yogi Berra my ass. 
Dirt Bike rules.

·        05-03-2016, 05:52 PM

SmokeBomb

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"

Adam: "Jimmy have you seen people fishing with drones?"
Jimmy: "I seen a lot of things. (long pause) Jesus. I've seen things."

---

I just read this thread and this quote is the funniest thing I've read on Shaggy. I was literally crying laughing. By itself it isn't all that funny but after reading up on ole dirt bike, it's perfect.

·        05-03-2016, 06:23 PM

Chad Fuck

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Captain Obvious 

It must never have occurred to Jimmy that maybe the beer wasn't poisoned and his ex-wife just figured he'd take her up on the offer to jump. I mean, I wouldn't have been shocked if he opted to jump without drinking the beer.

Still, I'm glad he didn't jump because now we have this glorious thread.

---

Do you really think four beers are enough to fuck up Dirt Bike?

·        05-03-2016, 06:45 PM

Robin Masters

I would pay you to work in Jimmy's department for a week.

·        05-03-2016, 06:47 PM

Captain Obvious

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Robin Masters 

I would pay you to work in Jimmy's department for a week.

---

Working with Jimmy should at least net an endless supply of unpaid interns. Your company (or just you) needs to take advantage of the situation.

·        05-04-2016, 07:52 AM

Tuco Ramirez

I think it's funny he keeps drinking after feeling sick and noticing something off about the beer. There is something Homer and giant sub about that.

·        05-04-2016, 12:12 PM

CooterBrown

"Hey Lisa, what's the vegetarian version of chicken fried steak? Portamellow mushrooms?"


J: "Pop a willy!"
S: "It's wheelie."
J: "Not the willy I'm talking about."

·        05-04-2016, 12:27 PM

zepol87

Jimmy makes my day 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G928A using Tapatalk

·        05-04-2016, 12:30 PM

HenryJames

Jimmy's playing chess while the rest of us play checkers.

·        05-04-2016, 01:06 PM

trey3216

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by HenryJames 

Jimmy's playing chess while the rest of us play checkers.

---

Jimmy's playing mahjong while the rest of us play uno.

·        05-04-2016, 01:28 PM

Red Five

Bottom of Form

·        05-26-2016, 02:02 PM

CooterBrown

"Heard of that Great Wall in China? You know, they say you can see it from space. I say it depends on where you are at in space."

·        05-26-2016, 02:04 PM

OnBoard

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"Heard of that Great Wall in China? You know, they say you can see it from space. I say it depends on where you are at in space."

---

Words fail me, unlike Jimmy. The sheer omnipotence of the man.

·        05-26-2016, 02:28 PM

Celery Man

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"Heard of that Great Wall in China? You know, they say you can see it from space. I say it depends on where you are at in space."

·        05-26-2016, 03:05 PM

MissingInAction

Dirt bike really needs to start a sunday service somewhere. I would attend religiously.

·        05-27-2016, 02:05 PM

CooterBrown

"you know that blood sucking goat killer chupacabra? I have me a theory. It's actually some sausage makers draining them goats dry so they can make some blood sausage. Yeah, they could be a cult or vampires but my money is on sausage makers."

"Bigfoot is real. I know a mountain hippie that spent time with one. It's okay though. I like me some bigfoot. It's a free country but I don't need no bigfoot living in my neighborhood. Nothing makes home values go down like bigfoot moving in and tearing shit up."

"I wonder what bigfoot would do for a living when they come out of the closet. They'd make a good bouncer. Nobody will stir shit up. If he's got some talent could probably play Chewbacca in a Star War."

·        05-27-2016, 02:14 PM

Mantis Toboggan, MD

I can't believe Dirt Bike doesn't believe Chupacabra is real

·        05-27-2016, 02:15 PM

OnBoard

Why isn't this guy miked up 24/7 ?

·        05-27-2016, 02:17 PM

Stilicho

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"Bigfoot is real. I know a mountain hippie that spent time with one. It's okay though. I like me some bigfoot. It's a free country but I don't need no bigfoot living in my neighborhood. Nothing makes home values go down like bigfoot moving in and tearing shit up."

·        05-27-2016, 05:50 PM

Gardner Barnes

Once again. I just can't believe dirt bike is something that is real. These are so incredible.

·        05-27-2016, 07:54 PM

Stilicho

I keep picturing a Sasquatch from the jerky commercials just going apeshit on some drywall as a Remax agent just stands in horror with some first time homeowners in the foyer. 

And just through the shattered dining room window you see dirt bike standing in his yard across the street, knowingly nodding and sipping on a can of Bud Ice Light.

·        05-29-2016, 11:49 AM

cactusflinthead

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by OnBoard 

Why isn't this guy miked up 24/7 ?

---

'the wisdom of Dirt Bike' would be must watch TV

·        05-29-2016, 02:11 PM

mchookem

How is his demeanor generally? I keep picturing Kramer when I'm reading...

·        06-06-2016, 08:34 AM

CooterBrown

"No Matter how much you paid me, I would not have stayed there. But I did."

"Sometimes you're expecting a one, and you get a two."

"'Drop it like it's hard. Ah man, that's what I been sayin' to Tina when I walk in and slam her."

·        06-06-2016, 10:21 AM

Celery Man

It's all true man, it's all true.

·        06-06-2016, 10:36 AM

Robin Masters

"Sometimes you're expecting a one, and you get a two."

Was he talking about a combo at Whataburger or more toiletish topics? Either way, it's something monks could sit under a tree meditating for centuries on and still not fully understand the way Dirt Bike does.

·        06-06-2016, 03:58 PM

Thermos H Christ

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"'Drop it like it's hard. Ah man, that's what I been sayin' to Tina when I walk in and slam her."

---

Wait, "slam her" as in have sex with her? That would mean the hard thing is his junk, right? What part of sex involves the junk being "dropped"? I'm a little concerned. Or maybe he's doing wrestling moves? Or, my god, maybe both? Is he jumping off the turnbuckle on to his wife? In to his wife?

·        06-06-2016, 04:05 PM

Prepuce of Doom

Perhaps our man Dirtbike is into daggering? 

I want to take this opportunity to announce that I am always thrilled when I see this thread get bumped.

·        06-06-2016, 07:30 PM

MissingInAction

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Robin Masters 

"Sometimes you're expecting a one, and you get a two."

Was he talking about a combo at Whataburger or more toiletish topics? Either way, it's something monks could sit under a tree meditating for centuries on and still not fully understand the way Dirt Bike does.

---

All hyperbole aside, I completely agree.

·        06-06-2016, 07:41 PM

Stilicho

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"No Matter how much you paid me, I would not have stayed there. But I did."

"Sometimes you're expecting a one, and you get a two."

"'Drop it like it's hard. Ah man, that's what I been sayin' to Tina when I walk in and slam her."

---

It's like a "Dusty Rhodes Promo" starter kit.

·        06-06-2016, 07:44 PM

zepol87

Pics of Tina? 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G928A using Tapatalk

·        06-06-2016, 08:51 PM

Celery Man

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Robin Masters 

"Sometimes you're expecting a one, and you get a two."

Was he talking about a combo at Whataburger or more toiletish topics? Either way, it's something monks could sit under a tree meditating for centuries on and still not fully understand the way Dirt Bike does.

---

It's when the drummer starts counting off the song and catches you off guard.

·        06-06-2016, 09:16 PM

Chad Fuck

Where was it he wouldn't have been paid to stay but did?

·        06-06-2016, 10:37 PM

lurch

This is how new religions start.

·        06-07-2016, 12:40 PM

CooterBrown

"We went to Starbucks on Saturday 'cause Tina likes to be fancy people...she'll read a book, I'll play Candy Crush. Went to the bathroom expecting a 'W' and an 'M' but I got there and there's a 'G'. It said 'Gender Neutral'. What the hell am I supposed to do? It had a picture of a half man and half woman. I don't have no gender. I'm 100% man. I had no idea which one to go in to."

·        06-07-2016, 12:57 PM

trey3216

The Great Dirt Bike: At the forefront of gender association demographics. 

 

·        06-07-2016, 02:14 PM

unklphucker

Dirt Bike is a misplaced Eastern mystic.

·        06-07-2016, 02:16 PM

Robin Masters

" I'm 100% man."

seldom have words needed to be said less.

·        06-07-2016, 05:26 PM

CooterBrown

"The machine knows you got thumbs."

·        06-08-2016, 07:44 AM

ihateowho

What machine was he talking about?

·        06-08-2016, 09:38 AM

CooterBrown

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by ihateowho 

What machine was he talking about?

---

Someone said he was just sitting at his desk working and said that out loud.

·        06-08-2016, 09:40 AM

Celery Man

For a second I thought that was a mashup between "Who's got two thumbs and banged your mom last night? This guy" and "This machine kills fascists.".

·        06-08-2016, 09:40 AM

ihateowho

Probably the internet machine thingy sitting on his desk then.

·        06-10-2016, 12:58 PM

CooterBrown

Jimmy just booked a 10 day trip to Thailand. My guess is there's going to be some fantastic stories resulting from this.

·        06-10-2016, 01:01 PM

Stilicho

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

Jimmy just booked a 10 day trip to Thailand. My guess is there's going to be some fantastic stories resulting from this.

---

Shit. Bangkok will have him now.

·        06-10-2016, 01:05 PM

ihateowho

I wish I could see his reaction to ladyboys. /no homo

·        06-10-2016, 01:10 PM

Celery Man

Does he need a padawan?

·        06-10-2016, 01:54 PM

BurntEyes

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

Jimmy just booked a 10 day trip to Thailand. My guess is there's going to be some fantastic stories resulting from this.

---

I would pay for his and his wife's trip were I allowed to go along and film it, if I had the rights to sell it as the intro for a reality series.

·        06-10-2016, 03:15 PM

DeftwillP

Ad Hawk. It's Latin for Incredible Hulk

Sorry burnt but an idiot abroad is already a show


Idiot savant abroad tho...

·        06-10-2016, 03:26 PM

SBBruin

Being Jimmy's sidekick in Thailand would be amazing.

·        06-10-2016, 03:35 PM

OnBoard

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by SBBruin 

Being Jimmy's sidekick in Thailand would be amazing.

---

Keep the penicillin handy. We can't risk losing that finely tuned mind.

·        06-10-2016, 03:58 PM

CooterBrown

He just forwarded me the email from his wife confirming she just booked the trip.

For some unknown reason, the subject of the email is "RE: I AM EATTTIN".

·        06-10-2016, 05:08 PM

lurch

Seems like we should alert the State Department

·        06-10-2016, 05:38 PM

OnBoard

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by lurch 

Seems like we should alert the State Department

---

And get a discreet videographer hired.

·        06-11-2016, 12:20 PM

Gardner Barnes

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

He just forwarded me the email from his wife confirming she just booked the trip.

For some unknown reason, the subject of the email is "RE: I AM EATTTIN".

---

Once again. I just laughed out loud for a good few minutes.

·        06-11-2016, 10:48 PM

Kyrie Eleison

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

He just forwarded me the email from his wife confirming she just booked the trip.

For some unknown reason, the subject of the email is "RE: I AM EATTTIN".

---

wait...i thought he was laying the wood to your accountant or some other professional?

·        06-12-2016, 01:06 AM

Bath Salt Dealer

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by SBBruin 

Being Jimmy's sidekick in Thailand would be amazing.

---

I'm in Bangkok for the next week. I'll volunteer to be dirt bike's tour guide.

·        06-12-2016, 08:23 AM

Robin Masters

For any that have seen Idiot Abroad, tell me video of this wouldn't be ten times better. I can't even imagine the greatness. For those that haven't seen Idiot Abroad, it's like a watered down, Brit Dirt Bike gets sent cool places by Ricky Gervais and hilarity ensues.

·        06-12-2016, 08:37 AM

CooterBrown

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Kyrie Eleison 

wait...i thought he was laying the wood to your accountant or some other professional?

---

Years ago after his separation from the wife that tried to kill him, he banged one of our attorneys.

·        06-12-2016, 11:45 AM

Dutchrudder

Does he have any kids that he knows about?

·        06-12-2016, 02:13 PM

Celery Man

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Robin Masters 

For any that have seen Idiot Abroad, tell me video of this wouldn't be ten times better. I can't even imagine the greatness. For those that haven't seen Idiot Abroad, it's like a watered down, Brit Dirt Bike gets sent cool places by Ricky Gervais and hilarity ensues.

---

Karl Pilkington is a whiny little bitch next to Dirt Bike. We can't send Jimmy abroad everywhere, because then everyone else would just give up and be America, and then being #1 would become less meaningful.

Bottom of Form

·        05-26-2016, 02:02 PM

CooterBrown

"Heard of that Great Wall in China? You know, they say you can see it from space. I say it depends on where you are at in space."

·        05-26-2016, 02:04 PM

OnBoard

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"Heard of that Great Wall in China? You know, they say you can see it from space. I say it depends on where you are at in space."

---

Words fail me, unlike Jimmy. The sheer omnipotence of the man.

·        05-26-2016, 02:28 PM

Celery Man

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"Heard of that Great Wall in China? You know, they say you can see it from space. I say it depends on where you are at in space."

 

·        05-26-2016, 03:05 PM

MissingInAction

Dirt bike really needs to start a sunday service somewhere. I would attend religiously.

·        05-27-2016, 02:05 PM

CooterBrown

"you know that blood sucking goat killer chupacabra? I have me a theory. It's actually some sausage makers draining them goats dry so they can make some blood sausage. Yeah, they could be a cult or vampires but my money is on sausage makers."

"Bigfoot is real. I know a mountain hippie that spent time with one. It's okay though. I like me some bigfoot. It's a free country but I don't need no bigfoot living in my neighborhood. Nothing makes home values go down like bigfoot moving in and tearing shit up."

"I wonder what bigfoot would do for a living when they come out of the closet. They'd make a good bouncer. Nobody will stir shit up. If he's got some talent could probably play Chewbacca in a Star War."

·        05-27-2016, 02:14 PM

Mantis Toboggan, MD

I can't believe Dirt Bike doesn't believe Chupacabra is real

·        05-27-2016, 02:15 PM

OnBoard

Why isn't this guy miked up 24/7 ?

·        05-27-2016, 02:17 PM

Stilicho

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"Bigfoot is real. I know a mountain hippie that spent time with one. It's okay though. I like me some bigfoot. It's a free country but I don't need no bigfoot living in my neighborhood. Nothing makes home values go down like bigfoot moving in and tearing shit up."

---

http://nextimpulsesports.com/wp-cont...4/06/ortiz.gif

·        05-27-2016, 05:50 PM

Gardner Barnes

Once again. I just can't believe dirt bike is something that is real. These are so incredible.

·        05-27-2016, 07:54 PM

Stilicho

I keep picturing a Sasquatch from the jerky commercials just going apeshit on some drywall as a Remax agent just stands in horror with some first time homeowners in the foyer. 

And just through the shattered dining room window you see dirt bike standing in his yard across the street, knowingly nodding and sipping on a can of Bud Ice Light.

·        05-29-2016, 11:49 AM

cactusflinthead

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by OnBoard 

Why isn't this guy miked up 24/7 ?

---

'the wisdom of Dirt Bike' would be must watch TV

·        05-29-2016, 02:11 PM

mchookem

How is his demeanor generally? I keep picturing Kramer when I'm reading...

·        06-06-2016, 08:34 AM

CooterBrown

"No Matter how much you paid me, I would not have stayed there. But I did."

"Sometimes you're expecting a one, and you get a two."

"'Drop it like it's hard. Ah man, that's what I been sayin' to Tina when I walk in and slam her."

·        06-06-2016, 10:21 AM

Celery Man

It's all true man, it's all true.

·        06-06-2016, 10:36 AM

Robin Masters

"Sometimes you're expecting a one, and you get a two."

Was he talking about a combo at Whataburger or more toiletish topics? Either way, it's something monks could sit under a tree meditating for centuries on and still not fully understand the way Dirt Bike does.

·        06-06-2016, 03:58 PM

Thermos H Christ

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"'Drop it like it's hard. Ah man, that's what I been sayin' to Tina when I walk in and slam her."

---

Wait, "slam her" as in have sex with her? That would mean the hard thing is his junk, right? What part of sex involves the junk being "dropped"? I'm a little concerned. Or maybe he's doing wrestling moves? Or, my god, maybe both? Is he jumping off the turnbuckle on to his wife? In to his wife?

·        06-06-2016, 04:05 PM

Prepuce of Doom

Perhaps our man Dirtbike is into daggering? 

I want to take this opportunity to announce that I am always thrilled when I see this thread get bumped.

·        06-06-2016, 07:30 PM

MissingInAction

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Robin Masters 

"Sometimes you're expecting a one, and you get a two."

Was he talking about a combo at Whataburger or more toiletish topics? Either way, it's something monks could sit under a tree meditating for centuries on and still not fully understand the way Dirt Bike does.

---

All hyperbole aside, I completely agree.

·        06-06-2016, 07:41 PM

Stilicho

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"No Matter how much you paid me, I would not have stayed there. But I did."

"Sometimes you're expecting a one, and you get a two."

"'Drop it like it's hard. Ah man, that's what I been sayin' to Tina when I walk in and slam her."

---

It's like a "Dusty Rhodes Promo" starter kit.

·        06-06-2016, 07:44 PM

zepol87

Pics of Tina? 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G928A using Tapatalk

·        06-06-2016, 08:51 PM

Celery Man

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Robin Masters 

"Sometimes you're expecting a one, and you get a two."

Was he talking about a combo at Whataburger or more toiletish topics? Either way, it's something monks could sit under a tree meditating for centuries on and still not fully understand the way Dirt Bike does.

---

It's when the drummer starts counting off the song and catches you off guard.

·        06-06-2016, 09:16 PM

Chad Fuck

Where was it he wouldn't have been paid to stay but did?

·        06-06-2016, 10:37 PM

lurch

This is how new religions start.

·        06-07-2016, 12:40 PM

CooterBrown

"We went to Starbucks on Saturday 'cause Tina likes to be fancy people...she'll read a book, I'll play Candy Crush. Went to the bathroom expecting a 'W' and an 'M' but I got there and there's a 'G'. It said 'Gender Neutral'. What the hell am I supposed to do? It had a picture of a half man and half woman. I don't have no gender. I'm 100% man. I had no idea which one to go in to."

·        06-07-2016, 12:57 PM

trey3216

The Great Dirt Bike: At the forefront of gender association demographics. 

http://www.oomphify.com/wp-content/u...gPk1ruhd6j.gif

·        06-07-2016, 02:14 PM

unklphucker

Dirt Bike is a misplaced Eastern mystic.

·        06-07-2016, 02:16 PM

Robin Masters

" I'm 100% man."

seldom have words needed to be said less.

·        06-07-2016, 05:26 PM

CooterBrown

"The machine knows you got thumbs."

·        06-08-2016, 07:44 AM

ihateowho

What machine was he talking about?

·        06-08-2016, 09:38 AM

CooterBrown

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by ihateowho 

What machine was he talking about?

---

Someone said he was just sitting at his desk working and said that out loud.

·        06-08-2016, 09:40 AM

Celery Man

For a second I thought that was a mashup between "Who's got two thumbs and banged your mom last night? This guy" and "This machine kills fascists.".

·        06-08-2016, 09:40 AM

ihateowho

Probably the internet machine thingy sitting on his desk then.

·        06-10-2016, 12:58 PM

CooterBrown

Jimmy just booked a 10 day trip to Thailand. My guess is there's going to be some fantastic stories resulting from this.

·        06-10-2016, 01:01 PM

Stilicho

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

Jimmy just booked a 10 day trip to Thailand. My guess is there's going to be some fantastic stories resulting from this.

---

Shit. Bangkok will have him now.

·        06-10-2016, 01:05 PM

ihateowho

I wish I could see his reaction to ladyboys. /no homo

·        06-10-2016, 01:10 PM

Celery Man

Does he need a padawan?

·        06-10-2016, 01:54 PM

BurntEyes

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

Jimmy just booked a 10 day trip to Thailand. My guess is there's going to be some fantastic stories resulting from this.

---

I would pay for his and his wife's trip were I allowed to go along and film it, if I had the rights to sell it as the intro for a reality series.

·        06-10-2016, 03:15 PM

DeftwillP

Ad Hawk. It's Latin for Incredible Hulk

Sorry burnt but an idiot abroad is already a show


Idiot savant abroad tho...

·        06-10-2016, 03:26 PM

SBBruin

Being Jimmy's sidekick in Thailand would be amazing.

·        06-10-2016, 03:35 PM

OnBoard

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by SBBruin 

Being Jimmy's sidekick in Thailand would be amazing.

---

Keep the penicillin handy. We can't risk losing that finely tuned mind.

·        06-10-2016, 03:58 PM

CooterBrown

He just forwarded me the email from his wife confirming she just booked the trip.

For some unknown reason, the subject of the email is "RE: I AM EATTTIN".

·        06-10-2016, 05:08 PM

lurch

Seems like we should alert the State Department

·        06-10-2016, 05:38 PM

OnBoard

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by lurch 

Seems like we should alert the State Department

---

And get a discreet videographer hired.

·        06-11-2016, 12:20 PM

Gardner Barnes

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

He just forwarded me the email from his wife confirming she just booked the trip.

For some unknown reason, the subject of the email is "RE: I AM EATTTIN".

---

Once again. I just laughed out loud for a good few minutes.

·        06-11-2016, 10:48 PM

Kyrie Eleison

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

He just forwarded me the email from his wife confirming she just booked the trip.

For some unknown reason, the subject of the email is "RE: I AM EATTTIN".

---

wait...i thought he was laying the wood to your accountant or some other professional?

·        06-12-2016, 01:06 AM

Bath Salt Dealer

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by SBBruin 

Being Jimmy's sidekick in Thailand would be amazing.

---

I'm in Bangkok for the next week. I'll volunteer to be dirt bike's tour guide.

·        06-12-2016, 08:23 AM

Robin Masters

For any that have seen Idiot Abroad, tell me video of this wouldn't be ten times better. I can't even imagine the greatness. For those that haven't seen Idiot Abroad, it's like a watered down, Brit Dirt Bike gets sent cool places by Ricky Gervais and hilarity ensues.

·        06-12-2016, 08:37 AM

CooterBrown

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Kyrie Eleison 

wait...i thought he was laying the wood to your accountant or some other professional?

---

Years ago after his separation from the wife that tried to kill him, he banged one of our attorneys.

·        06-12-2016, 11:45 AM

Dutchrudder

Does he have any kids that he knows about?

·        06-12-2016, 02:13 PM

Celery Man

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Robin Masters 

For any that have seen Idiot Abroad, tell me video of this wouldn't be ten times better. I can't even imagine the greatness. For those that haven't seen Idiot Abroad, it's like a watered down, Brit Dirt Bike gets sent cool places by Ricky Gervais and hilarity ensues.

---

Karl Pilkington is a whiny little bitch next to Dirt Bike. We can't send Jimmy abroad everywhere, because then everyone else would just give up and be America, and then being #1 would become less meaningful.

Bottom of Form

·        07-28-2016, 04:56 PM

Suck Brickland

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

A period is a hard taste to forget.

---

So ol' Dirt Bike has his red wings, sweet.

·        07-28-2016, 05:40 PM

BlueGreySky06

Holy shit. I openly guffawed while on a work call reading that last one.

·        07-28-2016, 05:48 PM

zepol87

Haha hard taste to forget is amazing 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G928A using Tapatalk

·        07-28-2016, 07:07 PM

You don't know me

Jimmy rocks. When is is trip to Thailand? Shortly after he arrives I bet there will be a thread similar to this on some Thai forum.

I would not be surprised if there IS a new religion there after his return to the States.

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk

·        07-28-2016, 07:13 PM

Kyrie Eleison

if i ever need a blood transfusion, i'm mainlining straight from Jimmy's carotid.

·        07-28-2016, 07:37 PM

CooterBrown

I'll check but I think the trip is at the end of August.

·        07-29-2016, 08:46 PM

CooterBrown

"Boy, sometimes I want to slap you redheaded."

·        08-01-2016, 11:55 AM

JSB

yeah, that one I don't follow at all

·        08-01-2016, 11:58 AM

Rippin' lips

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by JSB 

yeah, that one I don't follow at all

---

It is a mix of; 'Snatch you baldheaded.' and 'slap you like a redheaded stepchild.'

·        08-01-2016, 12:01 PM

Celery Man

never heard of that in my life. Thought it was a closer relative to "beat you like a redheaded stepchild", possibly mixed with "caught red handed".

·        08-01-2016, 12:43 PM

NorthLoop

I think some of you may not belong here

·        08-01-2016, 01:53 PM

ifiwaspresident

You're doing it wrong. You just have to feel Jimmyisms.

·        08-01-2016, 03:09 PM

Snacks

what did i just stumble into?

·        08-01-2016, 04:00 PM

CooterBrown

"It was on this beautiful prestone beach."

"I like your kicks, that's short for shoes."

"Lisa, are monks spiritual? Do they like to tie one on? I'm talking about drinking."

·        08-01-2016, 04:01 PM

CooterBrown

"I've regretted the Louisiana Purchase since the day it happened."

·        08-01-2016, 04:41 PM

Mantis Toboggan, MD

I strongly encourage you to publish a coffee table book of these.

·        08-01-2016, 04:55 PM

jt

one liners are better for those little shitter books.

·        08-01-2016, 05:26 PM

Dutchrudder

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Mantis Toboggan, MD 

I strongly encourage you to publish a coffee table book of these.

---

And get a talented, funny cartoonist to accompany select statements with hilarious comics. I bet Thujone could whip up some classic MS Paint art for the ants quote.

·        08-01-2016, 05:28 PM

NorthLoop

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Dutchrudder 

And get a talented, funny cartoonist to accompany select statements with hilarious comics. I bet Thujone could whip up some classic MS Paint art for the ants quote.

---

That's a million dollar idea

·        08-01-2016, 05:48 PM

SBBruin

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Snacks 

what did i just stumble into?

---

Are you really just finding this? This thread is about Jimmy. I said JIMMY!

·        08-01-2016, 05:54 PM

Dutchrudder

It's Dirtbike dammit! DIRTBIKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

·        08-01-2016, 05:56 PM

Dutchrudder

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by NorthLoop 

That's a million dollar idea

---

On top of that, I would recommend that Cooter share a real pic of Dirtbike with Thujone, and no one else. That way, all of us get to have the MS Paint image of Dirtbike in our heads every time we imagine him spouting his wisdom. It would be beautiful. Does Thujone read this thread? Do we need to put up the Batsignal Dicksignal?

·        08-01-2016, 08:06 PM

BlueGreySky06

we could fund a kickstarter campaign in 15 minutes.

·        08-01-2016, 08:24 PM

trey3216

I'm so in on this idea

·        08-02-2016, 08:39 AM

JSB

http://i.imgur.com/tsJZDoG.jpg

·        08-02-2016, 01:44 PM

CooterBrown

"You know what bugs me about the Walking Dead show? Their shoe laces are always tied. No zombie is gonna bother tying a shoe. If you can't get that right how I can I trust anything you show me about zombies?"

·        08-02-2016, 01:48 PM

jt

man's got a point. odd he doesn't mention the pooping.

·        08-02-2016, 01:50 PM

gernblansten

Dirt Bike, making my Tuesday with the solid zombie knowledge.

·        08-02-2016, 01:58 PM

OnBoard

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"You know what bugs me about the Walking Dead show? Their shoe laces are always tied. No zombie is gonna bother tying a shoe. If you can't get that right how I can I trust anything you show me about zombies?"

---

Gods in the details, so is Jimmy.

·        08-02-2016, 02:14 PM

DeftwillP

Maybe all zombies are wearing Velcro sneaks dirt bike.....you think about that?

·        08-15-2016, 08:55 AM

CooterBrown

(Talking about people seeing him in a tank top) "Where do you get those tickets for those gun shows?"

"You done sunk to the bottom. Can't get any higher than that!"

"Up the creek without a boat...something about a boat and a creek...Why would you need a boat if you don't have a paddle?"

·        08-15-2016, 09:12 AM

OnBoard

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

(Talking about people seeing him in a tank top) "Where do you get those tickets for those gun shows?"

"You done sunk to the bottom. Can't get any higher than that!"

"Up the creek without a boat...something about a boat and a creek...Why would you need a boat if you don't have a paddle?"

---

Jimmy Never fails to disappoint.

I was hoping for something olympian...

·        08-15-2016, 09:20 AM

Wiler77

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by BlueGreySky06 

we could fund a kickstarter campaign in 15 minutes.

---

First thing we have to do is buy Dirt Bike's quotes from him. Like Peterman buying Kramer's stories. Except I have a hunch we could get them for like $50.

This idea could have legs. A coffee table book with Dirt Bike quotes, illustrated by Thujone in MS Paint. It's like Shaggy has existed this entire time for the sole purpose to lead us to this moment.

·        08-15-2016, 10:24 AM

trey3216

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Wiler77 

First thing we have to do is buy Dirt Bike's quotes from him. Like Peterman buying Kramer's stories. Except I have a hunch we could get them for like $50.

This idea could have legs. A coffee table book with Dirt Bike quotes, illustrated by Thujone in MS Paint. It's like Shaggy has existed this entire time for the sole purpose to lead us to this moment.

---

It could be shaggy's Yorktown moment.

·        08-15-2016, 11:00 AM

BurntEyes

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by BlueGreySky06 

we could fund a kickstarter campaign in 15 minutes.

---

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by trey3216 

I'm so in on this idea

---

Despite the fact that right now I am very low on funds, I would fund this idea. "The Dirtbike Shitter Book" illustrated by Thujones is honestly something I would get behind financially. Hell, I would be willing to help set up the revenue divends to go to a charity of Dirtbike and THujones choice. This book would sell. Heck, we have shagsters in that world already and Thujones is among them.

·        08-15-2016, 11:01 AM

BurntEyes

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Wiler77 

First thing we have to do is buy Dirt Bike's quotes from him. Like Peterman buying Kramer's stories. Except I have a hunch we could get them for like $50.

This idea could have legs. A coffee table book with Dirt Bike quotes, illustrated by Thujone in MS Paint. It's like Shaggy has existed this entire time for the sole purpose to lead us to this moment.

---

Great minds and shit.

·        08-15-2016, 11:03 AM

BurntEyes

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"You know what bugs me about the Walking Dead show? Their shoe laces are always tied. No zombie is gonna bother tying a shoe. If you can't get that right how I can I trust anything you show me about zombies?"

---

Okay, there is brilliance in this quote. I am a zombiefile and this incredible insight never even occurred to me.

·        08-15-2016, 12:09 PM

OnBoard

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by BurntEyes 

Okay, there is brilliance in this quote. I am a zombiefile and this incredible insight never even occurred to me.

---

So, do zombies wipe after taking a dump ?

·        08-15-2016, 12:14 PM

MissingInAction

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by OnBoard 

So, do zombies wipe after taking a dump ?

---

They never take dumps.

·        08-15-2016, 12:19 PM

OnBoard

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by MissingInAction 

They never take dumps.

---

Don't they eat their pray ? Where does all that go ? Im mean you see a boat load of skinny zombies in walking dead, but in Zombieland there are a few heifers in the pack at times.

·        08-15-2016, 12:47 PM

UTEX90

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by BurntEyes 

Despite the fact that right now I am very low on funds, I would fund this idea. "The Dirtbike Shitter Book" illustrated by Thujones is honestly something I would get behind financially. Hell, I would be willing to help set up the revenue divends to go to a charity of Dirtbike and THujones choice. This book would sell. Heck, we have shagsters in that world already and Thujones is among them.

---

In34

·        08-15-2016, 03:21 PM

MissingInAction

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by OnBoard 

Don't they eat their pray ? Where does all that go ? Im mean you see a boat load of skinny zombies in walking dead, but in Zombieland there are a few heifers in the pack at times.

---

They just bloat until they burst, so I guess they could burst out their assholes. On that note I guess they do technically take dumps. I've burst my asshole and called it a dump.

·        08-16-2016, 10:48 AM

flaco

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yQXF4UxJAik

·        08-16-2016, 12:41 PM

elfenix

how have i not read this thread since the beginning of february? i'm dying here, the story about doing coke off a warm taco bell toilet seat, holy shit i can't breathe!

·        08-16-2016, 01:11 PM

llanoflash

I was looking forward to the season premiere of walking dead.. now not so much. so sad.

·        08-16-2016, 01:22 PM

cactusflinthead

The Dirtbike Shitter Book. Make it happen.

·        08-22-2016, 09:27 AM

CooterBrown

"Miley Ray Cyrus"

"I know he's not a disgrennel employee"

"I cower to women, but I'll stand up to another guy, whether it comes down to verbage or hurtage."

·        08-22-2016, 09:50 AM

Stilicho

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"I cower to women, but I'll stand up to another guy, whether it comes down to verbage or hurtage."

---

Man has to have a code, no?

·        08-22-2016, 10:09 AM

Kyrie Eleison

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"I cower to women, but I'll stand up to another guy, whether it comes down to verbage or hurtage."

---

raw profundity...

·        08-22-2016, 10:11 AM

OnBoard

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"I cower to women, but I'll stand up to another guy, whether it comes down to verbage or hurtage."

---

Jimmy the gent…..

Bottom of Form

·        08-25-2016, 09:47 AM

CooterBrown

Jimmy - "What's that word?"
Chief - "Aforementioned"
Jimmy - "Oktoberfest?"

"When we first started our new system design it was supposed to be great like a Ferrari with a Chevy engine."

"Nah I can see just fine! I got eyes like a blind eagle."

·        08-25-2016, 09:48 AM

Celery Man

·        08-31-2016, 02:14 PM

JSB

holy shit, Ferrari with a Chevy engine

\

·        09-06-2016, 10:36 AM

CooterBrown

"You wanna know about Bangkok, I'll tell you about about Bangkok."

(ponders for a few seconds)

"Actually, I better not."


"Had some San Marcosons on our tour. They were such assholes."

·        09-06-2016, 10:38 AM

OnBoard

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"You wanna know about Bangkok, I'll tell you about about Bangkok, actually, I better not."
 

---

That's a movie title right there.

·        09-06-2016, 11:05 AM

CooterBrown

"Got a Thai massage. That was wicked. Me and Tina at the same time. I recommend everyone getting one at least once. Make sure your marriage is healthy first."

"Woke up one day and there was a guy riding a baby elephant on the beach."

"The monkeys are so sweet."

"In life, there's good tuk-tuks and bad tuk-tuks."

"Ate some scorpions, some roaches, some crickets, and some grubs. Go with the grubs."

"We were walking down the market and a wild pig burst out through a wall."

"Tina made friends with a street dog. I named him 'Bob'."

"I have to say Bangkok is great. If I was single, I'd be dead."

·        09-06-2016, 11:10 AM

CooterBrown

"Everything was so cheap. Beers were like 20 baht. I checked and that equalled not shit in US dollars."

·        09-06-2016, 11:12 AM

SBBruin

Jimmy.

·        09-06-2016, 11:24 AM

trey3216

Oh shit!!!!!

·        09-06-2016, 11:27 AM

hayden_horn

Quote:

---

"In life, there's good tuk-tuks and bad tuk-tuks."

---

the man is a goddamn philosopher

·        09-06-2016, 11:37 AM

BlueGreySky06

jimmy coming back strong today. fucking amazing.

·        09-06-2016, 11:46 AM

Chad Fuck

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"Got a Thai massage. That was wicked. Me and Tina at the same time. I recommend everyone getting one at least once. Make sure your marriage is healthy first."

"Woke up one day and there was a guy riding a baby elephant on the beach."

"The monkeys are so sweet."

"In life, there's good tuk-tuks and bad tuk-tuks."

"Ate some scorpions, some roaches, some crickets, and some grubs. Go with the grubs."

"We were walking down the market and a wild pig burst out through a wall."

"Tina made friends with a street dog. I named him 'Bob'."

"I have to say Bangkok is great. If I was single, I'd be dead."

---

This may be the single best travelogue I've ever read.

Fuck Lonely Planet.

·        09-06-2016, 12:24 PM

Mantis Toboggan, MD

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"Everything was so cheap. Beers were like 20 baht. I checked and that equalled not shit in US dollars."

---

This one had me lulzing

·        09-06-2016, 12:29 PM

Robin Masters

San Marcosons> We had some dingbat on our tour. But we loved him.

·        09-06-2016, 02:14 PM

BlueGreySky06

i've changed the voice of jimmy in my head. he is now 

 

[936horn 941]

Yes

[CooterBrown 18089]

·        09-06-2016, 02:41 PM

The Lake Worth Monster

Are these comments from dirtbike fresh or are you still reaching back into the archives? I'm just wondering if this sort of entertainment is doled out daily.

·        09-06-2016, 02:43 PM

CooterBrown

It's his first day back from vacation so he spent the entire morning telling stories. I had to fly out at noon so I'll check for more entries tomorrow.

·        09-06-2016, 02:50 PM

ihateowho

Are there other disciples taking down the gospel or do we have to rely on only you for more words to live by?

·        09-06-2016, 02:52 PM

Celery Man

Make sure your marriage is healthy first = motto

·        09-06-2016, 03:02 PM

Prepuce of Doom

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by BlueGreySky06 

i've changed the voice of jimmy in my head. he is now 

http://pixel.nymag.com/imgs/daily/vu....w529.h352.jpg

---

Don't sully this. Every man has his own internal Jimmy.

·        09-06-2016, 03:09 PM

zepol87

Dude Jimmy brought it with this update. Not shit in dollars has me dying

·        09-06-2016, 03:48 PM

MissingInAction

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Prepuce of Doom 

Don't sully this. Every man has his own internal Jimmy.

---

There's Dirt Bike in all of us, we just have to find Him.

·        09-06-2016, 03:50 PM

CooterBrown

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by BlueGreySky06 

i've changed the voice of jimmy in my head. he is now 

http://pixel.nymag.com/imgs/daily/vu....w529.h352.jpg

---

It's better reading it as Morgan Freeman.

·        09-06-2016, 03:51 PM

skipperj

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by ihateowho 

Are there other disciples taking down the gospel or do we have to rely on only you for more words to live by?

---

I believe he said it's a group effort and several of them update the text file with new Dirt Bike gold.

·        09-06-2016, 03:53 PM

gernblansten

In the next couple of months, it looks like I'll be going to Nashville and Seattle. I'd like Dirt Bike's travel tips if he's ever been to either.

·        09-06-2016, 03:58 PM

BlueGreySky06

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

It's better reading it as Morgan Freeman.

---

Done Freeman. Lawrence (Office Space). Brennan & Dale (Step brothers).

There are so many good voices to give Jimmy.

·        09-06-2016, 07:27 PM

Gardner Barnes

Someone should figure out a way to get Jimmyisms read on YouTube by actual actors. Or funny or die.

·        09-06-2016, 07:57 PM

cactusflinthead

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"Everything was so cheap. Beers were like 20 baht. I checked and that equalled not shit in US dollars."

---

This might be my favorite one of all.

·        09-06-2016, 08:05 PM

bozo_casanova

Ad Hawk. It's Latin for Incredible Hulk

Bad tuk-tuks is why Austin got a fingerprint ordinance

·        09-07-2016, 10:26 AM

Bath Salt Dealer

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"Ate some scorpions, some roaches, some crickets, and some grubs. Go with the grubs."

---

One of the few times I'm going to have to disagree with the Wise One. Everyone knows you gotta go with the crickets.

·        09-07-2016, 10:35 AM

Hollywood Colt

are y'all able to keep a straight face and actually get work done with dirtbike around? i honestly wouldn't be able to keep it together.

·        09-07-2016, 10:37 AM

Gardner Barnes

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Hollywood Colt 

are y'all able to keep a straight face and actually get work done with dirtbike around? i honestly wouldn't be able to keep it together.

---

I have to believe that is why the shared text file was created.

·        09-07-2016, 12:09 PM

Celery Man

I highly recommend everyone hiring Jimmy at least once. Make sure your team is healthy first.

·        09-09-2016, 10:14 AM

CooterBrown

"In Bangkok there's a lot of fellas that look like some pretty girls. I'm not gay but I can understand that after some cobra wine you may not mind going there."

·        09-09-2016, 11:39 AM

DeftwillP

Deep thoughts on sexuality from dirtbike

·        09-09-2016, 02:41 PM

Stilicho

More powerful men than Dirtbike have fallen victim to cobra whiskey and ladyboys.

·        09-09-2016, 02:52 PM

OnBoard

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

It's better reading it as Morgan Freeman.

---

I'm more an Ernest man myself, know what I mean Verne ?

·        09-09-2016, 02:54 PM

Chad Fuck

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Stilicho 

More powerful men than Dirtbike have fallen victim to cobra whiskey and ladyboys.

---

The voice of experience.

·        09-09-2016, 04:41 PM

SBBruin

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Stilicho 

More powerful men than Dirtbike have fallen victim to cobra whiskey and ladyboys.

---

(Rocko) Et tu, Stilicho? (/Rocko)

·        09-09-2016, 05:11 PM

gernblansten

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Stilicho 

More powerful men than Dirtbike have fallen victim to cobra whiskey and ladyboys.

---

A man more powerful than Dirtbike? Highly unlikely.

·        09-09-2016, 05:35 PM

Stilicho

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by SBBruin 

(Rocko) Et tu, Stilicho? (/Rocko)

---

You read my mind.

·        09-09-2016, 05:45 PM

SBBruin

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Hollywood Colt 

are y'all able to keep a straight face and actually get work done with dirtbike around? i honestly wouldn't be able to keep it together.

---

I honestly would spend all of my time following him around hoping to catch a gem spewing forth from his majestic piehole.

·        09-09-2016, 05:48 PM

skipperj

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Stilicho 

You read my mind.

---

I mean, everyone was thinking it in some form or other.

·        09-09-2016, 05:48 PM

OnBoard

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by SBBruin 

I honestly would spend all of my time following him around hoping to catch a gem spewing forth from his majestic piehole.

---

It's thrown around waaay too much, but that's just a straight shooter with upper management written all over him.

·        09-09-2016, 10:39 PM

TexasFight2025

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by BlueGreySky06 

Done Freeman. Lawrence (Office Space). Brennan & Dale (Step brothers).

There are so many good voices to give Jimmy.

---

Sam Elliott

·        09-09-2016, 11:20 PM

Bolverk

From a technically linguistic approach, this guy's approach pretty well replicates my conception of Dirt Bike's voice. What he's really talking about with vowels is the addition of a strong diphthong for each vowel.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P32vIpZ_Y9g

Just add in a more grizzled but animated voice.

·        09-28-2016, 01:45 PM

CooterBrown

"I expected Shreveport to be more like Vegas."

"It smelled trifely bad in that casino."

"It's not unusual to pee yourself on long car rides. That's why I carry extra underwear in the trunk."

"Bought Tina two shots and a Long Island Iced Tea. She did everything I needed her to do after that."

"I made money like your mom makes kids. Fat and often."

Once a side note, Jimmy brought a 1 gallon bag full of M&Ms for lunch today. Has to be 5 lbs in that bag.

·        09-28-2016, 01:59 PM

SJS

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Jimmy

"I made money like your mom makes kids. Fat and often."

---

Hilarious.

·        09-28-2016, 03:07 PM

Dutchrudder

Regular or peanut?

·        09-28-2016, 03:34 PM

BlueGreySky06

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"I expected Shreveport to be more like Vegas."
"Bought Tina two shots and a Long Island Iced Tea. She did everything I needed her to do after that."

---

regular casanova there. jimmy ever the ladies man.

Bottom of Form

·        09-28-2016, 03:39 PM

210816horn

How in the fuck did I miss this thread. 
Shame on me

·        09-28-2016, 03:58 PM

zepol87

Oh yes Jimmy still bringing it.

·        09-28-2016, 05:47 PM

CooterBrown

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Dutchrudder 

Regular or peanut?

---

Peanut. 

·        09-28-2016, 05:49 PM

Chad Fuck

You must spread some rep...

·        09-28-2016, 05:59 PM

tejas60

please tell me he ate all those fuckers.

·        09-28-2016, 07:34 PM

gernblansten

Does Jimmy look like Jerry?

·        09-28-2016, 07:47 PM

Dutchrudder

I just knew Dirtbike was a peanut M&M kinda guy. Thanks for confirming.

·        09-28-2016, 08:17 PM

Celery Man

Solid round there. I both chortled and guffawed.

·        09-28-2016, 09:28 PM

wd40

·        09-29-2016, 12:18 AM

MortimerTX

Last two pages had me rolling. Holy shit

·        09-29-2016, 07:15 AM

Gardner Barnes

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by wd40 

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ba4GU5W2Mi...ore+online.jpg

---

That is what I picture also. But cooter stated a few pages back that he looks more like this: 

·        09-29-2016, 09:24 AM

flaco

What does Dirtbike look and sound like? How does he dress?

·        09-29-2016, 10:19 AM

Bath Salt Dealer

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by TexasFight2025 

Sam Elliott

---

Jerry Clower.

·        09-29-2016, 12:11 PM

flaco

I am thinking more like Larry the Cable Guy.

·        09-29-2016, 12:20 PM

MissingInAction

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by flaco 

I am thinking more like Larry the Cable Guy.

---

Larry is a hack, Dirt Bike is sublime genius.

·        09-29-2016, 12:25 PM

NorthLoop

Yeah don't insult Dirt Bike like that

·        09-29-2016, 01:11 PM

ihateowho

I imagine he looks like that one poster we used to have "duck something"'s avatar. That guy was almost Jimmy like in some of his posts. Hopefully somebody knows what I'm talking about. It may have been Ducksmith?

·        09-29-2016, 02:28 PM

BlueGreySky06

love when shaggy plays the "i like to imagine dirtbike like..." game. always makes me think of this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5A0-u85aAYg

·        09-29-2016, 09:08 PM

mchookem

Cosmo Kramer

·        09-29-2016, 09:27 PM

Gunsup

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by bath salt dealer 

jerry clower.

---

yes!

·        09-29-2016, 10:44 PM

trey3216

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Bath Salt Dealer 

Jerry Clower.

---

Arnell, Burnell, Raynell, W.L., Lynell, Odell, Udell, Marcell!! Claude, Newgene, and Clovis ...

·        10-02-2016, 10:14 PM

SquishMitten

Fat and often. Amazing.

·        10-04-2016, 10:23 AM

CooterBrown

"Tina's been out of town all week. Sure been lonely having no one to talk to at home. I tried to get my dogs to talk to me but I couldn't understand them."

·        10-04-2016, 11:49 AM

bozo_casanova

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Bath Salt Dealer 

Jerry Clower.

---

Knock him out John!

·        10-19-2016, 12:24 PM

CooterBrown

"We're cutting down to the bare bones. Getting down to brass tactics."

J: "You'd have to talk to Miss Kitty."
G: "Who's Miss Kitty?"
J: "If you were smarter you'd know who this man is talking about."

"Perceptive is like a train..how are you gonna stop a train when...it has to be...everyone is uploading PDFs"

"Her handwriting is much more pleasing to the ears"

"Sometimes I close my eyes and do brain pushups."

"I'm sitting in my deer blind watching some raccoons. Drinking. Vaping. Look up, no more coons. Turn around, there's a coon in there with me so I shot it with my crossbow. I'm not going to generally advise you to shoot a crossbow inside a blind but if given the choice of life or death by coon, Jimmy chooses life. Every. God. Damn. Time."

·        10-19-2016, 12:32 PM

Chad Fuck

I'm always so happy when this thread gets bumped.

·        10-19-2016, 12:35 PM

capnamerca

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"I'm sitting in my deer blind watching some raccoons. Drinking. Vaping. Look up, no more coons. Turn around, there's a coon in there with me so I shot it with my crossbow. I'm not going to generally advise you to shoot a crossbow inside a blind but if given the choice of life or death by coon, Jimmy chooses life. Every. God. Damn. Time."

---

There's a new leader in the clubhouse. Holy fuck.

·        10-19-2016, 12:42 PM

Gardner Barnes

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by capnamerca 

There's a new leader in the clubhouse. Holy fuck.

---

This is an undisputed second place and literally LOL funny. But I don't think the John Goodman/Dirthbike story can ever be topped.

·        10-19-2016, 12:53 PM

Rivers

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Chad Fuck 

I'm always so happy when this thread gets bumped.

---

1234

·        10-19-2016, 12:59 PM

ihateowho

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Gardner Barnes 

This is an undisputed second place and literally LOL funny. But I don't think the John Goodman/Dirthbike story can ever be topped.

---

Completely agree with this. Those two are 1A and 1B.

·        10-19-2016, 01:02 PM

chuychanga

I picture him looking like

<----

·        10-19-2016, 01:08 PM

SBBruin

"Getting down to brass tactics" is going to be working its way into my lexicon.

·        10-19-2016, 01:11 PM

Celery Man

Is... Perceptive some sort of software related to PDFs, or was he talking about the one thing and then got sidetracked by PDF e-mails or something?

·        10-19-2016, 01:41 PM

CooterBrown

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Celery Man 

Is... Perceptive some sort of software related to PDFs, or was he talking about the one thing and then got sidetracked by PDF e-mails or something?

---

It's a document management system. basically a black hole for all your documentation to disappear into never to been seen again.

·        10-19-2016, 03:20 PM

NorthLoop

holy shit that coon story

tears in my eyes

·        10-19-2016, 03:37 PM

OnBoard

Drinking AND vaping ? Wondering if these were real coons in the blind ??

·        10-19-2016, 03:50 PM

Walden Ponderer

"It's a choice between life or death by coon." That's my new excuse for anything stupid I ever do.

·        10-20-2016, 12:55 PM

CooterBrown

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Walden Ponderer 

"It's a choice between life or death by coon." That's my new excuse for anything stupid I ever do.

---

Are you a cop?

·        10-31-2016, 10:00 AM

CooterBrown

"His talking is always way above. His words are hairy and sticky."

"Americans are the fattest people in the country."

"Ya'll said he was some big giant wig."

"I told Tina that if she kept it up she was gonna have a come to Jimmy meeting."

·        10-31-2016, 10:04 AM

drew8117

Come to Jimmy meeting. Perfect.

·        10-31-2016, 11:09 AM

irishtexan

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Gardner Barnes 

This is an undisputed second place and literally LOL funny. But I don't think the John Goodman/Dirthbike story can ever be topped.

---

never say never when it comes to Dirt Bike.

·        12-01-2016, 02:28 PM

CooterBrown

"My dad would scissor me. I'd be screaming and crying. In the Western Sizzler."

·        12-01-2016, 02:37 PM

BurntEyes

Best thread bumps on shaggy.

·        12-01-2016, 03:43 PM

El Diablo

"Two Dudes Scissoring". Feather Indian name equivalent of "Sue" for a boy in English.

·        12-01-2016, 03:52 PM

Wiler77

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"My dad would scissor me. I'd be screaming and crying. In the Western Sizzler."

---

I have to admit, I expected Dirt Bike to know the difference between Western Sizzlin' and Sizzler.

·        12-30-2016, 02:15 PM

CooterBrown

"I'm spending New Year's Eve like I spent Old Year's Eve. In a drunking stupid killing people."

"Don't make me clean your wheelhouse."

"Tina asked me if she should buy the Suicide Squad movie. I told her my work compadres said she has shitty taste in movies, so no way. She did pick up Old Dogs from the dollar bin though. It's a goodie classic."

·        12-30-2016, 02:45 PM

Celery Man

Don't make me clean your wheelhouse. Going in the phrasebook.

·        01-24-2017, 09:09 AM

CooterBrown

"Now there's a fine line with a thick wall."

"It's gotta be bad before it gets better. ...but it's always gonna be bad. Remember that." 

"That concludes your training, thank you for flying Jimmy Airlines. If you'll check your email, you'll see that I sent you something. Nope. I sent that to myself. Too bad for you."

"It's just a bunch of bullarkey."

"I don't know how I burnt my arm though. It must have been heat or something."

I met this guy and his fashionation was jalapenos and geckos. 

"Even though my team (Bama) lost, I'm glad Crimson won the championship." 

"Happy new year, but is it really a new year? It feels like you just take one number off the end and add the next number."

"How's the kids? You still have all of 'em?"

"Fingers be damned. I got grinding to do. God gave us spares for a reason."

"What's it called when you only eat animals that eat other animals? I'm that. Jimmy the Predator."

·        01-24-2017, 09:28 AM

OnBoard

All is right with the world again.

·        01-24-2017, 09:30 AM

ihateowho

Fingers be damned. Indeed.

Bottom of Form

·        01-24-2017, 10:41 AM

zepol87

Jimmy the Predator

·        01-24-2017, 10:57 AM

MissingInAction

Quote:

---

If you'll check your email, you'll see that I sent you something. Nope. I sent that to myself. Too bad for you.

---

I'm using this at work as much as possible.

·        01-24-2017, 11:09 AM

jt

this is actually wonderful, and completely useful in everyday conversation:

Quote:

---

How's the kids? You still have all of 'em?

---

.....right up until you say that to someone whose kid died, or got taken in a custody battle.

·        01-24-2017, 11:33 AM

Kyrie Eleison

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by MissingInAction 

I'm using this at work as much as possible.

---

you're full of bullarkey.

·        01-24-2017, 12:23 PM

BurntEyes

Just got off the phone with my manager who was being a complete twat waffle. Kinda turned my day to shit with some news I got.

Then I open this thread and read:

"It's gotta be bad before it gets better. ...but it's always gonna be bad. Remember that." 

I am much better now, but still bad.

·        01-24-2017, 12:27 PM

SBBruin

bullarkey is now part of my lexicon.

·        01-24-2017, 01:22 PM

El Diablo

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by SBBruin 

bullarkey is now part of my lexicon.

---

You have a lexicon named Bullarkey?

·        01-24-2017, 04:28 PM

nolacycling

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by jt 

this is actually wonderful, and completely useful in everyday conversation:


.....right up until you say that to someone whose kid died, or got taken in a custody battle.

---

yeah, be careful. in this instance Dirt Bike's fine line wall may not be as thick as he thinks.

Missed ya, Dirt Bike. How did you celebrate the "new" year?

·        01-24-2017, 04:43 PM

trey3216

Dirt Bike have any thoughts on inauguration/women's protest/etc? Could be some gold in there.

·        01-24-2017, 08:08 PM

drew8117

This guy is gold.

·        01-24-2017, 08:32 PM

BlueGreySky06

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"Now there's a fine line with a thick wall."

"It's gotta be bad before it gets better. ...but it's always gonna be bad. Remember that." 

"That concludes your training, thank you for flying Jimmy Airlines. If you'll check your email, you'll see that I sent you something. Nope. I sent that to myself. Too bad for you."

"It's just a bunch of bullarkey."

"I don't know how I burnt my arm though. It must have been heat or something."

I met this guy and his fashionation was jalapenos and geckos. 

"Even though my team (Bama) lost, I'm glad Crimson won the championship." 

"Happy new year, but is it really a new year? It feels like you just take one number off the end and add the next number."

"How's the kids? You still have all of 'em?"

"Fingers be damned. I got grinding to do. God gave us spares for a reason."

"What's it called when you only eat animals that eat other animals? I'm that. Jimmy the Predator."

---

just wanted to quote the latest batch of gold so it's on the new page. fuckin love jimmyisms.

·        01-24-2017, 09:14 PM

the idoit

Fashionation. I'm not precisely certain what Jimmy was getting at but when I use it it's going to mean "fetish".

·        01-25-2017, 08:30 AM

Robin Masters

Quote:

---

"I like that Trump. He and me are like one brain. We think what each other is saying."

---

They still have the Vulcan mind meld? (No CR)

And how is he doing with his bought while drunk high mileage Ridgeline? Aka Ghost?

·        01-25-2017, 10:05 AM

SquishMitten

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by the idoit 

Fashionation. I'm not precisely certain what Jimmy was getting at but when I use it it's going to mean "fetish".

---

Fascination, you idoit.

·        01-25-2017, 10:06 AM

CooterBrown

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Robin Masters 

They still have the Vulcan mind meld? (No CR)

And how is he doing with his bought while drunk high mileage Ridgeline? Aka Ghost?

---

He hasn't mentioned Trump since the election. I'm not sure he knows he won. He traded in the Ridgeline for a Tundra. Pretty sure he lost money on that deal.

·        01-25-2017, 05:30 PM

Gardner Barnes

Is the tundra also called "ghost"?

·        01-25-2017, 08:33 PM

lurch

What's in the inbox?!?

·        01-25-2017, 11:09 PM

Gardner Barnes

Rereading the latest updates "I don't know how I burned my arm though, must have been the heat or something" has to be the end of a GREAT Jimmy story.

·        02-02-2017, 07:26 AM

Luke Duke

Jimmy for President

·        02-02-2017, 08:28 AM

El Diablo

I don't think it's any accident that these two quotes were put together.

Quote:

---

"How's the kids? You still have all of 'em?"

"Fingers be damned. I got grinding to do. God gave us spares for a reason."

---

There's a pattern there that reflects the deeper Dirt Bike philosophy. If there's more than one of something then there is a disposable excess.

·        02-02-2017, 09:28 AM

iamthepush

Cooter can you control a, control v on a google doc and share?

·        02-22-2017, 10:37 AM

CooterBrown

And I was like, whew. Crisis diverted. 

Tina's iPhone 7, or 5, well 6s Plus. 

I dibble dabbled in the wacky weed. 

It was in one of my quick dash, sit down, stand up meetings. 

If I work 34 hours today, I only have to do 8 tomorrow and 8 Friday. 

Jimmy: You missed a good one yesterday, buddy. 
Scott: I missed a good what? 
Jimmy: Nuthin. Nuthing at all.

·        02-22-2017, 11:13 AM

MissingInAction

Dirt Bike Saves!

·        02-22-2017, 11:34 AM

BurntEyes

Jimmy is a He-Man for every day folk. A master of the universe of thought. There are things Dirt Bike says that I couldn't understand, shouldn't understand. I am grateful however for his efforts to enlighten the the poor, the weak, the stupid huddling masses like myself.

·        02-22-2017, 12:22 PM

CooterBrown

Got a prank I'm gonna do on Tina. Bought some Carolina Reaper chili powder. Gonna put it in some eggs or something. I'm also going to pour a lot of it in the milk so when she goes for it that girl is gonna have double good times. This will either be fun time or divorce time. I'm not sure which.

·        02-22-2017, 12:41 PM

OnBoard

Dibble dabbled in the wacky weed. Oh the gold in them thar words….

I'm gonna have to dibble dabble just as a tribute…..

·        02-22-2017, 01:55 PM

You don't know me

I will readily admit that I was ecstatic to see this thread bumped. It brightened my day!

·        02-22-2017, 02:13 PM

jt

just in case you need some help from capt obvious, we're going to need follow up on this:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

Got a prank I'm gonna do on Tina. Bought some Carolina Reaper chili powder. Gonna put it in some eggs or something. I'm also going to pour a lot of it in the milk so when she goes for it that girl is gonna have double good times. This will either be fun time or divorce time. I'm not sure which.

---

·        02-22-2017, 05:10 PM

CheeseWeasel

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

And I was like, whew. Crisis diverted. 

---

Oh shit. Where is it headed?

·        02-22-2017, 09:10 PM

DeftwillP

Tina's orifices from the sound of it

·        02-22-2017, 09:20 PM

lurch

Crisis Diverted would be a great band name

·        03-06-2017, 12:02 PM

CooterBrown

A group text conversation today on Jimmy's day off...

Jimmy: OK I'm about to step in the water and use my salsa which is a block but if I don't get the plug in the water or the salt in the water will I get shocked if I'm standing in about a foot of water.

Scott: I have no clue what you are asking. What does salsa have to do with electricity?

Jimmy: I plan on standing in the water using a saw zaw.

Jimmy: Will I die. Tina is not with me. So I need someone to say yes or no.

·        03-06-2017, 12:03 PM

NorthLoop

So much of me wants him to do it, and so much of me wants him to live forever. 


I'm conflicted.

·        03-06-2017, 12:06 PM

CooterBrown

"I have no problem putting my life in the Lord's hands. That may be the drinking talking."

·        03-06-2017, 12:10 PM

You don't know me

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

A group text conversation today on Jimmy's day off...

Jimmy: OK I'm about to step in the water and use my salsa which is a block but if I don't get the plug in the water or the salt in the water will I get shocked if I'm standing in about a foot of water.

Scott: I have no clue what you are asking. What does salsa have to do with electricity?

Jimmy: I plan on standing in the water using a saw zaw.

Jimmy: Will I die. Tina is not with me. So I need someone to say yes or no.

---

Please don't die, Jimmy.

·        03-06-2017, 12:14 PM

Hollywood Colt

why doesn't dirtbike have has own TV show? do you think he would thrive in front of the camera?

·        03-06-2017, 12:17 PM

You don't know me

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Hollywood Colt 

why doesn't dirtbike have has own TV show? do you think he would thrive in front of the camera?

---

Like the Red Green Show, but with Jimmy.

·        03-06-2017, 12:25 PM

ihateowho

Dirt Bike is that rare bird that wouldn't die after being electrocuted. He would just kind of shake it off and say "man that was crazy".

·        03-06-2017, 12:40 PM

Wiler77

We're going to need an update ASAP. Someone text him to see if he lived

·        03-06-2017, 12:48 PM

JimmyGlass

I don't care what it says on the package, that is the correct spelling of saw zaw. No one pronounces it sawzall. Jimmy is right again.

·        03-06-2017, 12:54 PM

MissingInAction

Looks like dirt bike's phone was auto-correcting him.

·        03-06-2017, 01:01 PM

Rimbo

Jimmy may very well be the greatest person ever

·        03-06-2017, 02:31 PM

El Diablo

Do I want to know why he has a saw zaw in the pool? Nope, I'm just rolling with it.

·        03-06-2017, 02:43 PM

MoreHorNsePower

Holy shit...why have I missed this in all my lurking??!! I just spent the last 2 hours on this thread...and I'm already impatiently waiting for the next update...

·        03-06-2017, 02:51 PM

trey3216

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by MoreHorNsePower 

Holy shit...why have I missed this in all my lurking??!! I just spent the last 2 hours on this thread...and I'm already impatiently waiting for the next update...

---

This thread should be read from start to finish at least once/quarter.

·        03-06-2017, 03:03 PM

Celery Man

can we get jimmy to do an audio commentary track for planet earth 2

·        03-06-2017, 04:13 PM

Chad Fuck

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Celery Man 

can we get jimmy to do an audio commentary track for planet earth 2

---

Man, I don't know what you're on, but I need some as well.

Preferably while I watch Jimmy doing the audio commentary for Planet Earth 2.

·        03-06-2017, 04:23 PM

Rimbo

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Celery Man 

can we get jimmy to do an audio commentary track for planet earth 2

---

dirtbike > randall

·        03-06-2017, 04:51 PM

CooterBrown

J- You missed a good one yesterday, buddy. 
S- I missed a good what? 
J- Nuthin. Nuthing at all. 

I used to have a sweet rat tail. My mom still has it in an album somewhere. 

I used to have a orca-nomic keyboard. 

"Carry on my wayward son... who sings that? The Stones? It ain't Prince"

"Speaking of Prince....Bruce Sringsteen. They're both old. Well, ones dead"

·        03-06-2017, 05:23 PM

iamthepush

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by ihateowho 

Dirt Bike is that rare bird that wouldn't die after being electrocuted. He would just kind of shake it off and say "man, those ant's got the life".

---

fixed

Bottom of Form

·        03-06-2017, 08:19 PM

BlueGreySky06

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

A group text conversation today on Jimmy's day off...

Jimmy: OK I'm about to step in the water and use my salsa which is a block but if I don't get the plug in the water or the salt in the water will I get shocked if I'm standing in about a foot of water.

Scott: I have no clue what you are asking. What does salsa have to do with electricity?

Jimmy: I plan on standing in the water using a saw zaw.

Jimmy: Will I die. Tina is not with me. So I need someone to say yes or no.

---

I don't know why but this one got me more than others in the past. Sides hurt from laughing right now.

·        03-06-2017, 09:29 PM

lurch

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Rimbo 

Jimmy may very well be the greatest person ever

---

There's a lot of hyperbole on the Shag.

This ain't one.

·        03-07-2017, 09:25 AM

Chad Fuck

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

J
"Carry on my wayward son... who sings that? The Stones? It ain't Prince"

"Speaking of Prince....Bruce Sringsteen. They're both old. Well, ones dead"

---

Tell me there was an air guitar, Pete Townsend-style arm windmill when this conversation took place. My imaginary Dirt Bike did it.

·        03-07-2017, 10:41 AM

Kyrie Eleison

"saw zaw"...lol

·        03-07-2017, 05:31 PM

wd40

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Kyrie Eleison 

"saw zaw"...lol

---

'salsa', is even better, now that I know how to pronounce the second 's'. it's allsomer, you might say.

·        03-09-2017, 03:06 PM

MilkmanDan

·        03-09-2017, 08:07 PM

BlueGreySky06

Magnificent.

·        03-21-2017, 11:24 AM

CooterBrown

"My mom's birthday just came and all I had to give her for her birthday was a shave."

Jimmy - They want to go fishing 50 or 100 miles off the coast, but I don't want to go
Monica - Are you afraid you'll get lost?
Jimmy - No, cause I'm Cherokee. The Cherokee were not known for being a seafaring people. 

"What's that other song Garth Brook sings?....I went to her wedding, I had some tequila....something like that. Nope, it's Low Friends in High Places!"

"You done got jimmied."

·        03-21-2017, 11:29 AM

BearSchlong

lmfao at Cherokees not known for being seafaring people. That's awesome.

·        03-21-2017, 11:32 AM

jt

i mean, he's not wrong about that at all.

·        03-21-2017, 11:33 AM

Celery Man

I am, as usual, struck dumb at the profundities bestowed upon us by the Jimmy. But know, I am listening. And learning.

·        03-21-2017, 11:43 AM

Rex Kramer

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"My mom's birthday just came and all I had to give her for her birthday was a shave."

Jimmy - They want to go fishing 50 or 100 miles off the coast, but I don't want to go
Monica - Are you afraid you'll get lost?
Jimmy - No, cause I'm Cherokee. The Cherokee were not known for being a seafaring people. 

"What's that other song Garth Brook sings?....I went to her wedding, I had some tequila....something like that. Nope, it's Low Friends in High Places!"

"You done got jimmied."

---

This guy has to be doing a bit here. Which is fine because he's still funny as shit. But it can't be unintentional. He knows he's getting a reaction out of people here. He's playing up to the audience.

·        03-21-2017, 12:01 PM

Gunsup

I'm not even convinced he's real. I think Cooter's playing everyone.

·        03-21-2017, 12:04 PM

OnBoard

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Rex Kramer 

This guy has to be doing a bit here. Which is fine because he's still funny as shit. But it can't be unintentional. He knows he's getting a reaction out of people here. He's playing up to the audience.

---

Dudes, that authentic frontier gibberish …….

·        03-21-2017, 12:05 PM

iamthepush

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Gunsup 

I'm not even convinced he's real. I think Cooter's playing everyone.

---

begged! nobody, i mean no one talks about Jimmy like that

·        03-21-2017, 12:36 PM

CooterBrown

Jimmy's absolutely real and completely not self-aware.

·        03-21-2017, 12:43 PM

Wiler77

I'd have to re-read this thread to see if there's a better one than the Cherokee exchange. It's definitely the best in a while.

·        03-21-2017, 12:45 PM

Rex Kramer

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Wiler77 

I'd have to re-read this thread to see if there's a better one than the Cherokee exchange. It's definitely the best in a while.

---

It's up there. Best one I've heard since "Jimmy chooses life" when squaring off against the raccoon in the deer blind.

·        03-21-2017, 12:47 PM

CheeseWeasel

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Wiler77 

I'd have to re-read this thread to see if there's a better one than the Cherokee exchange. It's definitely the best in a while.

---

Definitely Jimmy Top 5.

·        03-21-2017, 12:53 PM

Captain Obvious

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Wiler77 

I'd have to re-read this thread to see if there's a better one than the Cherokee exchange. It's definitely the best in a while.

---

Dirt bike dream and raccoon story have the top spots pretty much in hand IMO.

·        03-21-2017, 12:57 PM

Walden Ponderer

I dunno, maybe it's recency bias, but the "salsa" "Tina ain't here, will I die or not" thing is my fave.

·        03-21-2017, 01:02 PM

CheeseWeasel

Alright Cooter, it's on you. Link us to the top 10 Jimmy quotes/stories.

·        03-21-2017, 01:24 PM

Gardner Barnes

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by jt 

i mean, he's not wrong about that at all.

---

Jimmy is almost never wrong. That is what makes him so amazing.

·        03-21-2017, 01:28 PM

Gardner Barnes

Ad Hawk. It's Latin for Incredible Hulk

Cooter. I think Ive posted this before but Jimmyisms would be a great twitter feed and is the kind of thing that randomly gets made into a book. Kind of like "shit my dad says" . Just update as needed. Hell you have a ton here already.

·        03-21-2017, 01:55 PM

Rimbo

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Gunsup 

I'm not even convinced he's real. I think Cooter's playing everyone.

---

Strongest evidence that CooterBrown = Jimmy:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

It's a document management system. basically a black hole for all your documentation to disappear into never to been seen again.

---

Although I think it's more likely that CooterBrown's mind is slowly being taken over by Jimmy's. Like a virus.

·        03-21-2017, 01:59 PM

Walden Ponderer

Virus, raccoon, it's all the same.

·        03-21-2017, 02:01 PM

Rimbo

that said, i don't give a flying fuck if he's real or not; every time Cooter updates this thread, it's like suddenly finding out it's Christmas again

·        03-21-2017, 02:32 PM

BurntEyes

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Rimbo 

that said, i don't give a flying fuck if he's real or not; every time Cooter updates this thread, it's like suddenly finding out it's Christmas again

---

I'm certainly not going to let facts sands of time in ways of jimmy.

·        03-21-2017, 02:40 PM

Kyrie Eleison

i've got a shit-ton of low friends in high places.

·        03-21-2017, 10:18 PM

MissingInAction

I've about had it with all this blaspheme of our Dear Dirtbike.

·        03-21-2017, 11:18 PM

drew8117

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Rex Kramer 

It's up there. Best one I've heard since "Jimmy chooses life" when squaring off against the raccoon in the deer blind.

---

Yeah my top 2 now. 

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Walden Ponderer 

I dunno, maybe it's recency bias, but the "salsa" "Tina ain't here, will I die or not" thing is my fave.

---

Shit, top 3 

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by BurntEyes 

I'm certainly not going to let facts sands of time in ways of jimmy.

---

Yep

·        04-10-2017, 08:40 AM

CooterBrown

"That's not the jimmy way. Make it more sexy and that's the jimmy way."

Overheard across the cubicle wall:
(giggle) "That feels gooooood..."

·        04-10-2017, 10:11 AM

Gardner Barnes

Holy.shit @ the first one. Just LOLed for real.

·        04-10-2017, 10:16 AM

JSB

Jimmy video chatting with Tina?

·        04-10-2017, 10:22 AM

Walden Ponderer

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by JSB 

Jimmy video chatting with Tina?

---

I'm picturing a wading pool with a jar of salsa, and some Barry White playing in the background.

·        04-10-2017, 10:26 AM

Gardner Barnes

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Walden Ponderer 

I'm picturing a wading pool with a jar of salsa, and some Barry White playing in the background.

---

With his black Honda truck, aka Ghost, in the background.

·        04-10-2017, 11:14 AM

MissingInAction

John Goodman looks on in approval from afar.

·        04-10-2017, 01:29 PM

Dutchrudder

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"My ex wife once sent me a birthday cake at work. I put it in the break room so anybody could get a piece. Later I remembered she had poisoned me before."

"What these guys do..did...done...still do..."

Adam: "Jimmy have you seen people fishing with drones?"
Jimmy: "I seen a lot of things. (long pause) Jesus. I've seen things."

---

Just wanted to bump this one. Such a great piece of work here.

·        04-10-2017, 02:53 PM

CooterBrown

Jimmy recipe he just told us about. 

"It Ain't Butter...":

Split an avocado in half, peel, and remove seed.
Stuff with cheese.
Put together and wrap in hamburger meat.
Wrap in bacon.
On the smoker for an hour.

·        04-10-2017, 02:59 PM

Red Five

Cooter you should have a shaggy raffle, where a few lucky shagsters get to meet Dirt Bike. $20 per ticket. Proceeds cure cancer.

·        04-10-2017, 03:02 PM

HOOKEM4

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Red Five 

Cooter you should have a shaggy raffle, where a few lucky shagsters get to meet Dirt Bike. $20 per ticket. Proceeds cure fake cancer.

---

fify

·        04-10-2017, 03:03 PM

NorthLoop

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

Jimmy recipe he just told us about. 

"It Ain't Butter...":

Split an avocado in half, peel, and remove seed.
Stuff with cheese.
Put together and wrap in hamburger meat.
Wrap in bacon.
On the smoker for an hour.

---

Chupacabra Eggs

·        04-10-2017, 03:20 PM

BlueGreySky06

Ad Hawk. It's Latin for Incredible Hulk

Who's gonna be the first one to post their attempt at Jimmy's recipe in GM's? I will without doubt be trying to make that this weekend.

·        04-10-2017, 03:32 PM

Celery Man

I mean, sounds pretty good.

·        04-10-2017, 03:36 PM

Dutchrudder

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

Jimmy recipe he just told us about. 

"It Ain't Butter...":

Split an avocado in half, peel, and remove seed.
Stuff with cheese.
Put together and wrap in hamburger meat.
Wrap in bacon.
On the smoker for an hour.

---

So you remove the avocado insides, replace the seed hole with cheese and meat, put them back together, and wrap in bacon?

·        04-10-2017, 03:47 PM

CooterBrown

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Dutchrudder 

So you remove the avocado insides, replace the seed hole with cheese and meat, put them back together, and wrap in bacon?

---

Only cheese on the inside. The avocado is wrapped in meat like a scotch egg. Then bacon around the whole thing.

·        04-10-2017, 03:50 PM

Dutchrudder

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

Only cheese on the inside. The avocado is wrapped in meat like a scotch egg. Then bacon around the whole thing.

·        04-10-2017, 03:58 PM

SquishMitten

No way that's anything short of delicious. I know what I'm having for dinner.

·        04-10-2017, 07:10 PM

trey3216

Not to take anything away from Sir Dirtbike, but I've seen that recipe on one of those Facebook auto play recipe things at lelast a dozen times.

·        04-10-2017, 09:13 PM

BlueGreySky06

Yeah, because they stole it from Jimmy.

Bottom of Form

·        04-10-2017, 09:46 PM

trey3216

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by BlueGreySky06 

Yeah, because they stole it from Jimmy.

---

I did say Sir Dirtbike

·        04-10-2017, 10:17 PM

CooterBrown

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by trey3216 

Not to take anything away from Sir Dirtbike, but I've seen that recipe on one of those Facebook auto play recipe things at lelast a dozen times.

---

He did give credit to a video his wife showed him.

·        04-10-2017, 10:27 PM

BlueGreySky06

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by trey3216 

I did say Sir Dirtbike

---

Touché.

·        04-17-2017, 02:04 PM

CooterBrown

"There's sunflower seeds in there? Are they seedless?"

"I'm very respectful to my mother. For everyone else... no words barred."

"There's something about the butt."

"The world would be a better place if everybody spent more time fishing."

"Squirrel gets the nut. Jimmy gets the squirrel. Circle of life."
 

·        04-17-2017, 02:08 PM

gernblansten

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"Squirrel gets the nut. Jimmy gets the squirrel. Circle of life."

---

Raccoon patiently bides time to get Jimmy...

·        04-17-2017, 02:08 PM

Rimbo

"Squirrel gets the nut. Jimmy gets the squirrel. Circle of life."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GLMaRV_jLT4

·        04-17-2017, 02:14 PM

Walden Ponderer

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"Squirrel gets the nut. Jimmy gets the squirrel. Circle of life."

·        04-17-2017, 02:18 PM

ihateowho

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"There's something about the butt."

---

New motto?

·        04-17-2017, 02:39 PM

OnBoard

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"The world would be a better place if everybody spent more time fishing."

"Squirrel gets the nut. Jimmy gets the squirrel. Circle of life."

 

---

They're all great, but the last two are priceless one for zenlike truth, the other just for it's Jimmyness....

·        04-17-2017, 02:40 PM

OnBoard

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by ihateowho 

New motto?

---

Hasn't that always been an unspoken universally true motto ??

·        04-25-2017, 08:49 AM

CooterBrown

"The can has been opened."

"Nacho Doritos with French onion dip is my go to whore door for guests."

·        04-25-2017, 08:55 AM

Celery Man

hahahahahahaha fucking whore doors

·        04-25-2017, 09:02 AM

BurntEyes

The "can" being left non specific in that Jimmyism is magical. Worms, Kick Ass, Pandora, Cats, green beans, who knows what chaos or beauty may be found in the can, but one thing is certain. Once that can has been opened, it can not be shut.

·        04-25-2017, 09:10 AM

Tex Long

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by BurntEyes 

... Once that can has been opened, it can not be shut.

---

With duck tape, all things are possible.

Especially if you have the Real Thing™ - the stuff those brave but way-too-trusting cocksuckers on diesel subs use...

·        04-25-2017, 11:42 AM

Chad Fuck

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by BurntEyes 

The "can" being left non specific in that Jimmyism is magical. Worms, Kick Ass, Pandora, Cats, green beans, who knows what chaos or beauty may be found in the can, but one thing is certain. Once that can has been opened, it can not be shut.

---

Pandora's Jimmy's Can.

·        04-25-2017, 12:57 PM

Rimbo

·        04-25-2017, 04:34 PM

BurntEyes

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Tex Long 

With duck tape, all things are possible.

Especially if you have the Real Thing™ - the stuff those brave but way-too-trusting cocksuckers on diesel subs use...

---

if you keep it up, your gonna have a come to BurntEyes meeting.

·        04-25-2017, 04:48 PM

Tex Long

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by BurntEyes 

if you keep it up, your gonna have a come to BurntEyes meeting.

---

Lean towards brave, I'm guessing?

·        04-25-2017, 04:51 PM

llanoflash

bump of thread always gets me excited. i want to go fishing with jimmy. lots frio light would be purchased for sure.

·        04-25-2017, 05:05 PM

Chewbacca

Fucking whore door. Don't ever change Dirtbike.

·        04-25-2017, 08:28 PM

CooterBrown

One of the staff brought in some nacho doritos and french onion dip this afternoon in honor of Jimmy bringing it up the other day. I must say, I never considered that combination before but it delivered.

·        04-26-2017, 01:05 AM

Rimbo

so you found out if Jimmy's way was the highway or if the highway was the right way?

·        04-26-2017, 09:54 AM

elfenix

Jimmy and the Art of Dirtbike Repair

·        04-26-2017, 10:15 AM

Walden Ponderer

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by elfenix 

Jimmy and the Art of Dirtbike Repair

---

I still prefer Zen and the Art of Salsa, but yours would be less confusing.

·        04-26-2017, 12:49 PM

EtOH

I really need a new signature. What Would Dirtbike Do?

S- "That's like me asking you what the best rocket fuel is"
J- "Ethan....L.....Feet.......100% E.Coli"

·        04-28-2017, 02:24 PM

huge

I just got to the end of this thread after ignoring it for 18 months and I must say that I am sad that I am at the end. 

Your dream is over
Or has it just begun?

Is there anything Queensryche doesn't know?

·        05-02-2017, 02:34 PM

CooterBrown

"Was she high up falutin'?"

"I'm poor in the wallet book, but rich in life."

·        05-02-2017, 04:27 PM

huge

he should just shit some hunnerts in his wallet book...

·        05-02-2017, 11:40 PM

Rimbo

I love this thread.

Sent from my SM-G920T using Tapatalk

·        06-23-2017, 02:15 PM

CooterBrown

"They would eat mada-gas-can cockroaches."

J "I'm chillin' like a willin."
S "what the heck is a willin?"
J "How do you not know?"


Jimmy "I put those DVDs in my truck and when I got home, I couldn't find them."
Chief "Were you drunk?"
Jimmy "No...Possibly...Yes...Yes I was drunk."

"We don't go to the Georgetown HEB. We drive to Round Rock. I ain't associating with those georgetown people."


"Frio now makes a craft beer called Frio 6. You hippies probably like it."

Jimmy "I've been drinking that...Mike's...uh..."
Lisa "Hard Lemonade?"
Jimmy "Yes! I almost said Mike's Hard On."

·        06-23-2017, 02:17 PM

DeftwillP

Always good for a jimmy update

·        06-23-2017, 02:18 PM

drew8117

Mikes Hard On. 

And not associating with them Georgetown folks.

·        06-23-2017, 02:18 PM

Walden Ponderer

I dated a girl in college who had a mighty fine mada-gas-can. Come to think of it, she liked hippie beers, too.

·        06-23-2017, 03:10 PM

zepol87

No. Possibly.. Yes... Yes I was drunk has been sad by myself many many times

·        06-23-2017, 03:13 PM

El Diablo

What's Georgetown's city motto? "At Least We're Not Pflugerville!".

·        06-23-2017, 03:17 PM

MissingInAction

Jimmy "I've been drinking that...Mike's...uh..."
Lisa "Hard Lemonade?"
Jimmy "Yes! I almost said Mike's Hard On."

This fucking slayed me.

·        06-23-2017, 04:16 PM

Bolverk

Would've been better had he said Mike's mom.

·        06-23-2017, 04:20 PM

Prepuce of Doom

This is a relief. 

Over a month without any activity in this thread made me fear that the odds finally caught up to Jimmy.

·        06-23-2017, 04:34 PM

Walden Ponderer

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Prepuce of Doom 

This is a relief. 

Over a month without any activity in this thread made me fear that the odds finally caught up to Jimmy.

---

If the neither the raccoon nor the sawzall in the shower got him, ain't nothin' gonna get Jimmy.

·        06-23-2017, 05:39 PM

CooterBrown

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Prepuce of Doom 

This is a relief. 

Over a month without any activity in this thread made me fear that the odds finally caught up to Jimmy.

---

Jimmy had back surgery and was out 4 weeks. No idea what he did. 

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk

·        06-23-2017, 06:04 PM

Dutchrudder

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

Jimmy had back surgery and was out 4 weeks. No idea what he did. 

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk

---

Well.... we're waiting.gif

·        06-23-2017, 08:43 PM

Prepuce of Doom

I will wager $25 on the fact that the explanation involves a ladder, and a separate $25 on the fact that the explanation involves a tree. 

Give me some odds, bitches.

·        06-24-2017, 08:42 AM

J.R.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Prepuce of Doom 

This is a relief. 

Over a month without any activity in this thread made me fear that the odds finally caught up to Jimmy.

---

If there's one thing Jimmy can beat, it's the odds.

·        06-24-2017, 11:51 AM

Celery Man

I could see him beating scurvy and dropping some good lines about flintstones gummy vitamins

·        06-25-2017, 11:32 AM

cactusflinthead

"The world would be a better place if everybody spent more time fishing."

this cannot be said often enough

·        08-01-2017, 11:13 AM

CooterBrown

"I don't know where that was going but it was headin somewhere it shouldn't gone."

"I got a friend, he's about to do some bad stuff to some squirells."

"the squirells are a major festation in his yard."

"I wish I could travel as fast as a box."

"They're trying to orchid-strate a christian retreat."

·        08-01-2017, 11:28 AM

Chad Fuck

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"I don't know where that was going but it was headin somewhere it shouldn't gone."

---

This could be the motto for my misspent youth.

·        08-01-2017, 11:56 AM

DeftwillP

That seems shag motto worthy

·        08-02-2017, 09:04 PM

drew8117

I'm sorry but he 2 squirrel ones stole it for me. Busted out laughing.

·        08-07-2017, 03:28 PM

BurntEyes

I am angry with myself for having missed this last glorious update. 

I figure posting in here and getting it to the top of the thread will help atone for my sins.

Quote:

---

"I don't know where that was going but it was headin somewhere it shouldn't gone."

---

Indeed, Sir Jimmy, indeed.

Bottom of Form

·        08-08-2017, 06:40 PM

workswithseed

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"I wish I could travel as fast as a

---

what box?

·        08-09-2017, 10:13 AM

Call

dirtbike never fails to deliver.

·        08-15-2017, 03:02 PM

CooterBrown

"Werly Harrelson peaked on the Norm show."

"I don't like them yellow jackets. They just stare at me and rub their butts at me."

"Chief, is that concert you're going to sit down cheerin' or stand up cheerin' ?"

Jimmy - My niece is going back off to college
Chief - Which college is she going to?
Jimmy - The same one she was at last year

·        08-15-2017, 07:40 PM

BurntEyes

Norm show, for the win.

·        08-15-2017, 08:29 PM

Gardner Barnes

I perfect stand up cheerin concerts, personally.

·        08-16-2017, 02:13 AM

Rimbo

Same one she was at last year.

Well, where else would she be?

·        08-16-2017, 09:00 AM

MissingInAction

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Rimbo 

Same one she was at last year.

Well, where else would she be?

---

That's pure dirtbike right there.

·        08-16-2017, 11:26 AM

Chad Fuck

Ask a stupid question, get a Dirt Bike answer.

·        08-16-2017, 01:52 PM

Dutchrudder

What is the Norm show?

·        08-16-2017, 01:57 PM

JimbAround

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Dutchrudder 

What is the Norm show?

---

I think we can assume he means Cheers.

·        09-01-2017, 11:51 AM

CooterBrown

"Wayne Newton is about 110 years old. Ew. Honestly, I have caught a fish before that looks like his face. "

"Tina has a Pacific way that she washes clothes."

(on the phone with someone in Houston with Hurricane Harvey on the way)
"Are ya'll on red alert standby?.........Are they STANDING BY?
OK, well don't forget to go to sleep with your floaties on."

·        09-01-2017, 12:09 PM

tejas60

was waiting on the Harvey quotes!

·        09-01-2017, 01:14 PM

OnBoard

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

OK, well don't forget to go to sleep with your floaties on."

---

He wasn't wrong.....

·        10-23-2017, 08:34 AM

CooterBrown

"I've never known anyone named Chantel except for one person and that's Chantel"

I was cutting the limb and I got a cholly horse. 

Scott-I always get the Pad See Ew.
Jimmy-Pad See Ew too

Noltre Dame won....isn't that the Saints? St. Louis? 

Lisa - "Jimmy, are you supposed to have a knife at work?"
Jimmy- "Jimmy can have a knife at work"

Lisa - "Why did you have a grenade at work?"
Jimmy- "My grandfather died"
(About 7 years ago, Jimmy brought a grenade to work to show everybody. Apparently I yelled at him and made him leave but I have no memory of this.)

Man, it's good. I got a toothpick right now, just having a good-o time.

·        10-23-2017, 08:53 AM

Xian

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"I've never known anyone named Chantel except for one person and that's Chantel"

I was cutting the limb and I got a cholly horse. 

Scott-I always get the Pad See Ew.
Jimmy-Pad See Ew too

Noltre Dame won....isn't that the Saints? St. Louis? 

Lisa - "Jimmy, are you supposed to have a knife at work?"
Jimmy- "Jimmy can have a knife at work"

Lisa - "Why did you have a grenade at work?"
Jimmy- "My grandfather died"
(About 7 years ago, Jimmy brought a grenade to work to show everybody. Apparently I yelled at him and made him leave but I have no memory of this.)

Man, it's good. I got a toothpick right now, just having a good-o time.

---

I feel like someone bringing a grenade to work is something I would remeber. But then again, I don’t work with jimmy.

·        10-23-2017, 09:06 AM

Chad Fuck

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Xian 

I feel like someone bringing a grenade to work is something I would remeber. But then again, I don’t work with jimmy.

---

Seconded. Could be just too many Jimmyisms to keep track of: Did he bring a llama last week or hand grenade? Who can remember?

·        10-23-2017, 09:19 AM

Dutchrudder

I can't believe Jimmy has held the same job for 7+ years. He must be good friends with HR.

·        10-23-2017, 09:32 AM

Kyrie Eleison

Quote:

---

Man, it's good. I got a toothpick right now, just having a good-o time.

---

that's a man that has it all figured out...

·        10-23-2017, 09:40 AM

El Diablo

I've never known anyone named Chantel either but there's probably a dorm at Gary Job Corps named Chantel.

·        10-23-2017, 10:09 AM

ihateowho

I had a step cousin named Chantel when I was a kid. She was kind of a whore.

·        10-23-2017, 10:19 AM

Dutchrudder

pics?

·        10-23-2017, 10:29 AM

HenryJames

"Jimmy can have a knife at work"

·        10-23-2017, 10:38 AM

Walden Ponderer

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by ihateowho 

I had a step cousin named Chantel when I was a kid. She was kind of a whore.

---

Wait... she was your step cousin too?!?!

·        10-23-2017, 11:21 AM

ihateowho

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Dutchrudder 

pics?

---

This was in the early 80's before pictures were so easy to process and have readily available 35 years later.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Walden Ponderer 

Wait... she was your step cousin too?!?!

---

I never did, but a real cousin on the other side of the family banged her in my bunk bed while I was asleep on the bottom bunk.

·        10-23-2017, 12:16 PM

PhillyD

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

Noltre Dame won....isn't that the Saints? St. Louis? 

---

So much to process in this. You can almost hear the wheels spinning.

·        10-23-2017, 03:08 PM

BurntEyes

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by PhillyD 

So much to process in this. You can almost hear the wheels spinning.

---

I had to read it a few times to really get all the brilliant nuance. Spoken like a man who can have a knife at work.

·        10-23-2017, 03:45 PM

Robin Masters

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Dutchrudder 

I can't believe Jimmy has held the same job for 7+ years. He must be good friends with HR.

---

He's probably doing some multi-year undercover boss thing, laughing at how far he can push this Jimmy character before getting fired.

At the Yacht club

Tedsworth> Jimmy should take a hand grenade to work, maybe that will finally get him fired.
Cooters Ceo> Smashing idea ol boy, just smashing.

·        10-23-2017, 04:03 PM

ihateowho

Well of course Jimmy has a hand grenade.

·        10-23-2017, 04:04 PM

BlueGreySky06

·        11-01-2017, 10:34 AM

CooterBrown

Jimmy: You know, China has got some crazy stuff going on. 
Scott: Details?
Jimmy: You would think so, right? 

"Want me to touch that for you? I'm good at it."

"Trick or tweaking is how we do it in Georgetown."

"If you have to shoot someone in the back just tell the cops he was coming at you backwards. That'll get you off."

·        11-01-2017, 10:41 AM

EtOH

I bet that would get him off.

·        11-01-2017, 12:05 PM

DeftwillP

You would think so, right?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

·        11-01-2017, 02:15 PM

Rimbo

"You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to CooterBrown again." Someone help a fella out here.

nothing like a dirtbike update to brighten your day, eh?

·        11-01-2017, 02:16 PM

BurntEyes

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Rimbo 

"You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to CooterBrown again." Someone help a fella out here.

nothing like a dirtbike update to brighten your day, eh?

---

On it.. and agreed

·        11-01-2017, 03:04 PM

MissingInAction

And he just got tag teamed.

·        11-01-2017, 05:43 PM

O1E

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by MissingInAction 

And he just got tag teamed.

---

Triple teamed. Looked like there was room for more.

·        11-01-2017, 06:29 PM

tejas60

quadruple penet...... errrr rep!

·        12-15-2017, 09:06 AM

CooterBrown

"My family used to get me a large description to Handyman Monthly every year. "

"you can go to a historical town and have a historical lunch"

The jousts must have been foam, er, not foam.....styrofoam. 

Alfredo- They're Nopalitos
Jimmy- La Potatoes?

"I think he's autistic. He always goes on these tyrants. "

Jimmy "I was shinking..."
Scott "Wait. Did you say 'shinking'?"
Jimmy "I was shitting and thinking about life..."

·        12-15-2017, 09:13 AM

Kyrie Eleison

The Shinker...

·        12-15-2017, 09:18 AM

ihateowho

Shinking. That's a great word. Reminds me of Sniglets.

·        12-15-2017, 09:36 AM

OnBoard

Will Rodgers got nuthin' on Jimmy

·        12-15-2017, 09:45 AM

Dutchrudder

Jimmy "I was shinking..."
Scott "Wait. Did you say 'shinking'?"
Jimmy "I was shitting and thinking about life..."

That's gold Jimmy, gold!

·        12-15-2017, 02:16 PM

PhillyD

I've added shinking to words I need to utilize.

·        12-15-2017, 04:08 PM

Chad Fuck

My best Shag work is done while shinking.

·        12-15-2017, 04:20 PM

HenryJames

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Chad Fuck 

My best Shag work is done while shinking.

---

That's called Chad Fucking. Or Chucking.

·        12-15-2017, 05:12 PM

burntorangebongos

I kinda want to go to historical town now to see what is in this historical lunch.

·        12-15-2017, 06:06 PM

Gardner Barnes

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by burntorangebongos 

I kinda want to go to historical town now to see what is in this historical lunch.

---

I’ll bet you can get LaPotatoes there.

·        12-16-2017, 10:51 AM

reagan1k

You'll have to take a mean Shink after a lunch like that.

·        12-16-2017, 11:25 AM

trey3216

When I think of Jimmy shinking, and then his comments about "I've seen things. God I've seen things", that's some Jedi temple level shit all put together

·        12-17-2017, 10:03 AM

iamthepush

I watch ants, it looks like they're having a great time

Top of Form

Bottom of Form

·        12-17-2017, 09:11 AM

Red Five

I don't mean to dispute your word, but wasn't it "I've seen the ants"?

·        12-17-2017, 11:34 AM

iamthepush

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Red Five 

I don't mean to dispute your word, but wasn't it "I've seen the ants"?

---

Your probably right, it was just taking a shit, thinking about Jimmy

·        12-17-2017, 04:39 PM

Tex Long

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by iamthepush 

Your probably right, it was just taking a shit, t shinking about Jimmy

---

accuracy

·        01-15-2018, 07:52 PM

CooterBrown

Jimmy found a helicopter. We think one of these: http://www.innovatortech.ca/

Some relative died and he found it in the barn. No one knew the guy owned it. I think he’s going to try and get it working. He asked if he could land on the top of the parking garage. He left early to to go mess with it. I’ll find out details next time I go in to the office.

·        01-15-2018, 07:55 PM

HenryJames

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

He asked if he could land on the top of the parking garage.

---

If your answer was anything other than ‘absolutely,’ negged.

·        01-15-2018, 08:04 PM

Prepuce of Doom

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by HenryJames 

If your answer was anything other than ‘absolutely,’ negged.

---

Disagree - if left to take its natural course, tinkering with a helicopter will almost certainly result in Jimmy's death, and the extinction of this thread.

·        01-15-2018, 08:28 PM

Celery Man

This will absolutely kill him.

·        01-15-2018, 08:32 PM

EtOH

Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Dirtbike.

·        01-15-2018, 08:41 PM

ihateowho

I don’t know what you Debbie Downer mother fuckers are talking about. Dirtbike is indestructible.

·        01-15-2018, 08:45 PM

Call

It’s happening.gif 

Go Dirtbike you glorious bastard!

·        01-15-2018, 09:02 PM

Chad Fuck

A helicopter is thousands of pieces working in conjunction to kill its’ pilot.

If he gets it operating, he’ll be dead within a week.

·        01-15-2018, 09:11 PM

MilkmanDan

Jets take off.
Rockets blast off.
Helicopters beat off. Fast! Fast!

·        01-15-2018, 09:23 PM

skipperj

Helicopters jatch off.

·        01-15-2018, 09:25 PM

Rimbo

Jimmy is absolutely going to die now.

·        01-15-2018, 09:27 PM

HenryJames

Jimmy is going to Apocalypse Now/Flight of the Valkyries this bitch some weekday morning while Cooter is asking someone about their TPS reports.

·        01-16-2018, 03:03 AM

Bath Salt Dealer

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by HenryJames 

Jimmy is going to Apocalypse Now/Flight Ride of the Valkyries this bitch some weekday morning while Cooter is asking someone about their TPS reports.

---

It's like some of you mofos have NO culture.

·        01-16-2018, 05:50 AM

Dutchrudder

I hate reality tv, but if Jimmy had a show I would watch it.

·        01-16-2018, 06:51 AM

BurntEyes

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Dutchrudder 

I hate reality tv, but if Jimmy had a show I would watch it.

---

Same and we'd both be better for doing so.

·        01-16-2018, 07:42 AM

OnBoard

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by ihateowho 

I don’t know what you Debbie Downer mother fuckers are talking about. Dirtbike is indestructible.

---

C'mon man be real. He'll be dead before he gets 10' off the ground. I don't wanna live in a world without dirt bike.

·        01-16-2018, 08:08 AM

Celery Man

Nah - he gets it running and hops in before learning the controls. Vanishes up like a fart in the wind/a drone piloted by markstanco's wife/the old man from Up. Reappears at the office in 15 years like
https://ewedit.files.wordpress.com/2016/07/jumanji.jpg

·        01-16-2018, 08:28 AM

Gardner Barnes

A helicopter and a case of Frio beer. What could possibly go wrong?

·        01-16-2018, 09:47 AM

El Diablo

With John Goodman as his co-pilot there is nothing Jimmy can't do. Jimmy can fly that thing. I believe.

·        01-16-2018, 09:50 AM

gernblansten

·        01-16-2018, 10:20 AM

burntorangebongos

I wonder if the relative put it there for Jimmy to find....just cuz he knew the awesomeness that would ensue.

·        01-16-2018, 11:54 AM

El Diablo

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by burntorangebongos 

I wonder if the relative put it there for Jimmy to find....just cuz he knew the awesomeness that would ensue.

---

Life is just one big Easter egg hunt for Jimmy.

·        01-16-2018, 12:12 PM

hullabelew

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Chad Fuck 

A helicopter is thousands of pieces working in conjunction to kill its’ pilot.

If he gets it operating, he’ll be dead within a week.

---

Exactly. Did anyone pick Dirtbike in the Shaggy Death Pool?

·        01-16-2018, 01:09 PM

Tyler Durden

Jimmy is Murdock?

·        01-16-2018, 01:16 PM

llanoflash

git to da choppah!

·        01-16-2018, 01:38 PM

JSB

holy shit, how awesome. "Jimmy found a helicopter." This kind of statement is so off the wall for most people, yet in Dirtbike's case, I found myself surprised it has just now happened.

God speed Dirtbike

·        01-16-2018, 02:28 PM

BurntEyes

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by JSB 

holy shit, how awesome. "Jimmy found a helicopter." This kind of statement is so off the wall for most people, yet in Dirtbike's case, I found myself surprised it has just now happened.

God speed Dirtbike

---

Yeah, the only the unusual about King Dirt bike finding a helicopter is how long it took to occur.

Were this another poster on another thread regarding someone else I'd be calling bullshit, but not here.

THIS
IS
DIRTBIKE

·        01-16-2018, 02:46 PM

iamthepush

"Dirt bike and the whirlybird go to Austin" is going to be the best 20 part mini series ever made.

·        01-16-2018, 05:58 PM

Rimbo

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by iamthepush 

"Dirt bike and the whirlybird go to Austin" is going to be the best 20 part mini series ever made.

---

i think that series will go about as well as this did.

no way Jimmy survives 20 episodes with a helicopter

·        01-16-2018, 06:57 PM

iamthepush

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Rimbo 

i think that series will go about as well as this did.

no way Jimmy survives 20 episodes with a helicopter

---

In my autistic mind, he doesn't find the helo until episode 16 or so

·        01-16-2018, 07:17 PM

Tex Long

Do hot air balloons fall out of the sky easier than choppers?

·        01-16-2018, 08:24 PM

Chad Fuck

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Tex Long 

Do hot air balloons fall out of the sky easier than choppers?

---

Meh.

I think a mess of children’s balloons lifting a lawn chair that he can shoot out with BB guns is more Jimmys style.

But who’s to say?

·        01-16-2018, 08:58 PM

reagan1k

A major crash is inevitable, but I think this deal ends with some innocent bystander capturing a video of Jimmy stumbling out of the wreckage remarkably unscathed, mumbling to himself and ignorant of the carnage he's left behind. 

Probably cracks open a beer he has left in his pocket and asks "Can ya'll believe that bumblefuck got all cattywampus on me that fast?"

·        01-16-2018, 09:08 PM

El Diablo

Wish I had the photoshop skills 'cause I can totally picture Jimmy in his gyrocopter flying in front of a full moon ala "E.T.". And John Goodman hovering up in the corner in some Obi Wan ghost state telling Jimmy "You can fly, Dirt Bike! You can FLY!"

·        01-19-2018, 02:31 PM

CooterBrown

Tina said the helicopter is a bad idea so me and my dad are selling it. Most bad ideas start as really good ideas.

Scott, I was talking about you yesterday...or the day before....or the day after.

He picked up a green bean and it was supposed to be al dente and it wasn't. It was al floppy.

I like to watch "Who's Beating Bobby Flay".

It's the worst when you open up your flour bag and it's got weasels.

Yeah, it's right there next to that red "oh my gosh, my heart stopped, give me a shock" machine on the wall.

My hand started getting...you know...degree burns on it.

Dave: Hey Jimmy. I didn't know you wore glasses. 
Jimmy: Only if I want to see better. 

"It was a comm-nist country, started with a B.....Bratwurst?"

"They were on skid roll."

"is it Buffalo Wild Wings or Buffalo Wild Bills?"

·        01-19-2018, 02:33 PM

jt

·        01-19-2018, 02:45 PM

Robin Masters

Happy sad. Happy Jimmy didn't die from helicopter shenanigans, but sad he didn't manage to crash the helicopter into 100 foot tall high voltage lines and and still walk away unscathed. Well minus some degree burns maybe.

·        01-19-2018, 02:45 PM

workswithseed

That needs to be gif. Opening a bag of flour and there's just weasels

·        01-19-2018, 02:46 PM

Celery Man

i'm stealing that line about bad ideas

·        01-19-2018, 02:47 PM

Tex Long

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by workswithseed 

That needs to be gif. Opening a bag of flour and there's just weasels

---

Weasels ripped his Fletch?

·        01-19-2018, 03:17 PM

cactusflinthead

al floppy.

·        01-19-2018, 03:24 PM

El Diablo

I think it was Stephanie March that was beating Bobby Flay.

·        01-19-2018, 06:43 PM

Rimbo

The loss of humor from Jimmy killing himself (Tina saved his life and you know it) is more than made up for by the quality in this installment.

·        02-06-2018, 05:55 PM

Mack Tripper

Selling the helicopter is probably for the best for Dirtbike. He would have flown too close to the sun, thereby melting the helicopter and falling into the sea. And since he's Cherokee, who we now know are not seafaring people, he would have drowned.

·        03-09-2018, 03:27 PM

CooterBrown

Jimmy: Tina has a few black eyes right now from kickboxing.
Scott: How can she have more than two?

He just put words in my mouth. He's a word putter mouther. 

"Usually I do this at the end of the week, which is Friday"

"I got some serious sinuses"

"Do you think a dog from England can understand a dog from Spain when he barks?"

Long bajillion years ago.

Sung to the tune of the Beatles classic, Come Together
- "Get together........right now.........cause of me"

"what were those bolts you put on your wheels called? Pogo Sticks?" (bicycle pegs)

"Worstysour sauce" 

"It was pork butt or pork roast or whatever the beef part is, beef rump beef roast"

Rose Royce

That's being worked on as I don't speak. 

There was these two Chinese women in Japan who got their legs extended

I think it's before Jonathan (Johnson) City.

I thought of that saying yesterday when the sun was setting.....Sky's red......................something.

·        03-09-2018, 03:31 PM

OnBoard

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

Jimmy: Tina has a few black eyes right now from kickboxing.
Scott: How can she have more than two?

He just put words in my mouth. He's a word putter mouther. 

"Usually I do this at the end of the week, which is Friday"

"I got some serious sinuses"

"Do you think a dog from England can understand a dog from Spain when he barks?"

Long bajillion years ago.

Sung to the tune of the Beatles classic, Come Together
- "Get together........right now.........cause of me"

"what were those bolts you put on your wheels called? Pogo Sticks?" (bicycle pegs)

"Worstysour sauce" 

"It was pork butt or pork roast or whatever the beef part is, beef rump beef roast"

Rose Royce

That's being worked on as I don't speak. 

There was these two Chinese women in Japan who got their legs extended

I think it's before Jonathan (Johnson) City.

I thought of that saying yesterday when the sun was setting.....Sky's red......................something.

---

On that note, its time for my first Friday afternoon bourbon. Wow those are some gems....... Spanish and English dog languages... who knew ?

·        03-09-2018, 03:56 PM

Kyrie Eleison

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

There was these two Chinese women in Japan who got their legs extended

---

Bottom of Form

·        03-11-2018, 09:39 PM

Gardner Barnes

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Kyrie Eleison 

---

Exactly my thought.

·        03-11-2018, 09:51 PM

trey3216

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Kyrie Eleison 

http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/stir.gif

---

Must spread rep, dude.

·        03-12-2018, 06:02 AM

Bullneck

I avoided this thread because I thought it was about pop-up ads or browser hijacking. I almost peed my pants last night.

·        03-12-2018, 08:07 AM

OnBoard

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Bullneck 

I avoided this thread because I thought it was about pop-up ads or browser hijacking. I almost peed my pants last night.

---

You've been missing out on a lot of life because of this thread. Dirtbike is the Mark Twain of village idiots.

·        03-12-2018, 09:19 AM

trey3216

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by OnBoard 

You've been missing out on a lot of life because of this thread. Dirtbike is the Mark Twain of village idiots.

---

I think he's the Aristotle of the Redneck Kingdom

·        03-12-2018, 10:27 AM

Tex Long

Yeah, use whatever silly jizzum you like, but to me he's simple The Troof.

·        03-12-2018, 10:44 AM

Bath Salt Dealer

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by OnBoard 

On that note, its time for my first Friday afternoon bourbon. Wow those are some gems....... Spanish and English dog languages... who knew ?

---

I have asked that same question before. Happy to know I have something in common with the almighty Dirt Bike.

·        03-12-2018, 10:51 AM

SBBruin

I don't know why Rose Royce got me so good, but it did.

·        03-12-2018, 11:59 AM

OnBoard

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Bath Salt Dealer 

I have asked that same question before. Happy to know I have something in common with the almighty Dirt Bike.

---

You can feel better about yourself just knowing that fact.

·        03-12-2018, 02:01 PM

workswithseed

I've heard cows have different moos in different countries

·        03-12-2018, 02:19 PM

trey3216

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by workswithseed 

I've heard cows have different moos in different countries

---

I've heard that leche is much different than milk as well.

·        03-12-2018, 02:22 PM

You don't know me

Seeing this thread bumped always makes my giddy with excitement.

·        03-16-2018, 11:15 PM

cactusflinthead

I would gladly give dollars to have the book of Jimmy. it's a natural born bestseller. 
if he spilled some beer on it and signed the stain that would make it more valuable

al floppy
laughed again

·        03-24-2018, 12:26 PM

CooterBrown

Bye jimmy thread.

·        03-24-2018, 12:27 PM

Celery Man

oh goddammit. shit, you can only export a page at a time. what's the latest on the natural light table book

·        03-24-2018, 12:29 PM

Gardner Barnes

THIS thread needs to be saved. 

Cooter, do you still have access to the Jimmyisms text file?

·        03-24-2018, 12:29 PM

Rimbo

THIS RIGHT HERE. omg seriously

·        03-24-2018, 12:40 PM

CooterBrown

I will save it out from here tonight when I get home. I have the original text file but I changed names to protect the innocent and don’t want to do that again.

·        03-24-2018, 12:41 PM

OnBoard

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

I will save it out from here tonight when I get home. I have the original text file but I changed names to protect the innocent and don’t want to do that again.

---

If I lose access to Jimmy I don't want a live....... seriously....

·        03-24-2018, 01:20 PM

Prepuce of Doom

What's all this doom and gloom about? What am I missing?

·        03-24-2018, 01:22 PM

tejas60

check pinned post on the football board

·        03-24-2018, 01:30 PM

elfenix

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Gardner Barnes 

THIS thread needs to be saved.

---

done!

longcat:

Spoiler! 

all 19 pages grabbed

·        03-24-2018, 01:40 PM

tejas60

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to elfenix again.

·        03-24-2018, 01:49 PM

Gardner Barnes

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by tejas60 

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to elfenix again.

---

same 

thanks for doing that.

·        03-24-2018, 01:56 PM

elfenix

from a cursory once over it looks like only page 2 gives the screencap program any issues (the closely repeating pictures fuck with the de-duplication). i think i got all the jimmy content on it, though.

 

 

 

[CooterBrown 18089]

That's it. Holy shit. I hope I never have to do that again. At least I got paid for it.

 

[Rimbo 26420]

There... There were better ways of doing that.

But I'll take it.

[HOOKEM4 5075]

This thread must live forever, just like Dirtbike.

[SquishMitten 10457]

Thanks, Cooter! But we need to get this to the second page ASAP. That's a lot of scrolling.

[SquishMitten 10457]

But gotdamn, there are so many I'd forgotten about. Just spot checked a few, and I have no recollection of several. Gonna be a lot of good reading to do.

[fattyflattie 4639]

I had forgotten so many.

 

The lengend...Dirtbike. 

[Celery Man 21026]

hey you can rep the same person multiple times in succession on this site

 

rip tor

[BlueGreySky 1032]

This is like finding the Dead Sea Scrolls.  Hallelujah! 

[workswithseed 2139]

Dirt Bike is alive!

[elfenix 34385]

Already had the whole thing archived in convenient pics but I guess at least we know there's no post long enough to break the message board

[elfenix 34385]

Page

[Mack Tripper 696]

subscribed

[elfenix 34385]

how

[elfenix 34385]

many

[elfenix 34385]

posts

[elfenix 34385]

per

[elfenix 34385]

page

[BlueGreySky 1032]

50.

[workswithseed 2139]

Holy hell, that's a lot of posts.

[BlueGreySky 1032]

Some of my favorites...

"Is Raffi for stoners?"

"I can't do that, not with Greg breathing down my throat."

"I went dumpster diving again. There were no bricks, but there were fenceplanks and that's what you make those orodomic (adirondack) chairs from."

"Sometimes I laugh myself hard."

JP - We had a "potluck" (in air qoutes)
PB - Why the quotes?
JP - Cause there was no pot or luck 

"My ex wife once sent me a birthday cake at work. I put it in the break room so anybody could get a piece. Later I remembered she had poisoned me before."

Adam: "Jimmy have you seen people fishing with drones?"
Jimmy: "I seen a lot of things. (long pause) Jesus. I've seen things."

"You know what bugs me about the Walking Dead show? Their shoe laces are always tied. No zombie is gonna bother tying a shoe. If you can't get that right how I can I trust anything you show me about zombies?"

"You wanna know about Bangkok, I'll tell you about about Bangkok."
(ponders for a few seconds)
"Actually, I better not."

"It's not unusual to pee yourself on long car rides. That's why I carry extra underwear in the trunk."

"I'm sitting in my deer blind watching some raccoons. Drinking. Vaping. Look up, no more coons. Turn around, there's a coon in there with me so I shot it with my crossbow. I'm not going to generally advise you to shoot a crossbow inside a blind but if given the choice of life or death by coon, Jimmy chooses life. Every. God. Damn. Time."

 

And these are just quotes through October of 2016.

[Call 393]

Props for bringing Jimmy/Dirtbike over.

if the helicopter doesn’t come to fruition maybe he will attempt to build a rocket like the flat earth look.

[texasfight2025 145]

Thank you.  Just...thank you.  Dirtbike forever

[Prepuce of Doom 21112]

Thanks for the effort to bring Jimmy across the transition. 

 

This thread is crashing my phone. Hopefully it will get to annew page 

[flatdawgs 1294]

Thank you, thank you, thank you, Cooter. I have no idea how I missed this thread in its Shaggy incarnation, but as I read through it just now, there was a blinding light and within it the haloed visage of Dirt Bike. And I was saved.

[Call 393]

5 hours ago, Call said:

Props for bringing Jimmy/Dirtbike over.

if the helicopter doesn’t come to fruition maybe he will attempt to build a rocket like the flat earth look.

Kook. Damn autokorrect.

[Jimbaround 978]

Wow, that was a lot of scrolling.  Thanks for bringing this gold over.

[JSB 677]

Very glad it is back, but yeah, page 2 please

[You don't know me 1161]

Dirtbike completes me.

[buffalobill989 167]

GOLD JERRY GOLD

[Catpfish 618]

Come

[Catpfish 618]

on

[Catpfish 618]

page 

[Catpfish 618]

2

[Don Keibals 113]

sometimes I sit and think...

 

[GhostRider 169]

How does page 1 take this length?

[Rivers 80]

All hail Dirt Bike! 

[RTF Horn 46]

Holy shit, how did I miss this thread?  Amazing.  I haven't laughed this hard in a long time.  Thanks for bringing it over.

[lateshow 1309]

Same here. I don't know how I went 5 or 6 years on Shaggy and never saw what may be the greatest thread on all of the internets. 

[workswithseed 2139]

Next page, please

[Gardner Barnes 1562]

Cooter. Thanks for bringing me this over.  Also. Better thread title that is worthy of dirt bike 

[elfenix 34385]

next page

[elfenix 34385]

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edit:

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Edited March 29, 2018 by elfenix
seriously i need a non-enhanced editor, fixing links is damn near impossible with this smart editor