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Lincoln Riley clubs puppies and hates America


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Posted

Lincoln Riley pays by check at the grocery store, doesn't start filling it out until the cashier finishes scanning the items, and then remembers he said he'd pick up a soft pack of Pall Malls menthols for the pregnant girl from the trailer park.

  • Like 3
Posted

Lincoln Riley rents out an entire theater the first Friday of every month so that he can watch Titanic in his pajamas and cry during that scene where Jack freezes to death even though that bitch had enough room for like 4 people on whatever that thing was that she was floating on. 

  • Haha 1
Posted

Lincoln Riley won an autographed poster of NKOTB for submitting the most entries to a fan club drawing for a chance to win a NKOTB leather jacket in 1993. His parents spent $2,800 on postage stamps alone. That poster is huddled around before every game as he leads the team in reciting the inspirational words of “Hangin Tough”. 

Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Just a hangin tough. 

Posted

When his only friend went away to community college, Lincoln Riley changed his name to Mike Honcho and spread his butt apart for Playgirl magazine.

Posted

Lincoln Riley needed overtime to beat Army. (True Story.)

Lincoln Riley was named for JFK's secretary.

Lincoln Riley's favorite pizza is "Hawaiian"...with extra dicks.

That guy sucks.

Like OU.

 

 

\\m//

 

 

 

Posted

Lincoln Riley could not sleep through this night. Too excited. Looch met him in the hotel stairwell, just after midnight,  with a brand new bag’o’dicks. Things happened. His mind is nowhere near this game. He won’t shit right for two weeks.

Posted

When Lincoln Riley goes to the bank, he uses the drive thru teller and makes sure he goes on Saturday when there's only one lane open. When it's his turn, he pulls to the window and sits without doing anything for several minutes.  He then sends the canister to the teller and requests a pen.  He then embarks on what must be the most complicated bank transaction ever which requires the canister to be sent back and forth 4 more times at five minute intervals. All the while his car is running and spewing the foulest exhaust.  When his transaction is finally finished, he puts his car in gear and just as you think he's about to drive off, he puts it back in park and calls the teller. He then reviews his paperwork and counts his money without pulling through. By the time you get to the window, they're closed and Monday is a holiday.  

  • Like 1
Posted

Lincoln Riley eats only small, baby corn dicks because anything larger would be too intimidating. But he gorges on them by dump truck delivery. He’s a mass consumption tiny dick-eating sooner and a, NOW VERIFIED, loser. 

Tiny-dick-eating LOSER

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