Helping others: boundaries and limits.

[deadshank 24653]

I write type this as I am about to help a ne'er do well / hard-luck type with some personal financial issues.  I like the guy and his track record is not great (a little time in  the joint and a few other questionable life decisions) but I know that going in.  It's not a  lot of money he needs ($700) to get himself out of a jam he did not bring on himself.  Somehow I've become a mentor to him (another questionable life decision of his) and I genuinely want to see him  succeed at something as he really does put out and earnest effort at what he does for a  living.

How far do you go to help people you know?  It could be a relative, personal friend, co-worker, neighbor or "a guy you know" and the like.  For the sake of this thread I'm not necessarily concerned with the panhandler on the street; I'm talking about the people in your sphere of influence.

Help can be defined by gifting money, loaning money,  taking over chores for someone that is temporarily unable, handling simple items for the inept, driving people to doctor's appointments, etc.

What are your boundaries and limits for this?  How much is too much?  Have you been burned one way or another by someone and did that affect your willingness to help the next  person that darkened your door with their hat in their hands?   Do you attach strings to your assistance or just let it go and not worry about it? Are you fearful of getting involved?  Getting involved with others can be risky and put you outside of your comfort zone.  

[Jerry Callo 8728]

I'm less likely to give/loan people money than to help out in other ways.  Transactions of money too often leads to other issues.  I would only give money that I didn't expect to be returned, but I would rather help out in other ways.

I'm fine with spending time helping clean, move, mow, cook, drive, etc. or allowing someone to stay at our house for a while or borrow a car. 

[phdhorn 6224]

you can bail him out of this if it's really necessary, but after this you put conditions on any other assistance and you stick to it. He knows beforehand what he has to do and doesn't do it, you should not feel guilty about that whatsoever, as long as the expectation  for him is reasonable.

So the first bailout's on you, the rest are on him. Think of it as a fellowship... The student has to report progress or they forfeit the fellowship. Same here.

[Lobwedgephil 1139]

As long as you know you are never getting that money back, and won't let that ruin your relationship, go ahead. 

[phdhorn 6224]

Oh, and yes, getting involved with questionable people is always risky. Caveat emptor.

[immamac 43081]

I only give advice or buy things off of people at a discount.

Loans to people in your sphere of influence should just be considered gifts.

[Gene Parmesan 4014]

I'd probably give a relative (siblings and such, screw cousins)/good friend anything less than 1,000 once no questions asked.  I would consider it a gift and not a loan, even if in the process we agreed it's just a loan.  If he pays me back great, if not, I wouldn't let it bother me.  You would need some extenuating circumstances (beyond I screwed up) to get higher dollar gift/loans out of me.

[Bat Guano 359]

I've only done it a couple of times; wouldn't say I have a policy or set of guidelines. One person I knew well, the other not so well; they were both in temporary-seeming financial difficulties and I loaned them money. Was repaid both times. I think it's a judgement call on individual circumstances.

[RowdyVic 106]

As a friend or neighbor..2(money wise) is all you get from me. I am not a charity and you are an grown adult. Handle your business!

I would clearly state that this is the last time that he will get money from me.

I would not expect to be repaid nor would I seek it.

Outside of money, if you are in my circle of life...anytime, anyplace!!



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[Jkwellborn 6745]

I’ll do just about anything to help someone out. But not give them money. Like meatloaf said, I won’t do that.

I don’t attach any strings to helping someone either. Who knows, I might need something one day.

[Guest]

3 hours ago, immamac said:

I only give advice or buy things off of people at a discount.

Loans to people in your sphere of influence should just be considered gifts.

This.

If I loan someone money, I do not expect it back.  Great if they do, but I'm not twisting over it if they do not. According to this philosophy, I am also pretty selective as to whom I will lend money.

Some folks I just flat out wouldn't loan them anything.  Might as well just light the money on fire...

My boys have not had to ask for money yet as adults.  They are in much better shape financially than I was at their age.  If they need help, I will help them, but it will never be a neverending source of loans and free money.  They know this.

[deadshank 24653]

Great replies.  I wasn't asking the questions because I don't know what to do. 

The answers provided align with my philosophy.  I don't expect the money to be returned but if it is then maybe he is taking a turn for the better.  The only string I attached was to not put our transaction on social media as he is heavy into displaying all of the good and bad moments of his life on FB.  

 

[Jkwellborn 6745]

That’s something I hate. People think they have to put every fucking thing out there for the world.

Just like the assholes that help someone and then post about what they did. You fucking attention whore, if you actually cared about helping people you wouldnt bring it up.

There are exceptions to that because sometimes posting it brings light on a situation that needs work.

[jimmyjazz 46141]

I have a close friend who struggles with things -- mostly drugs and a pretty serious "addiction" to tinder/grindr (yes, he's bi).  He's a helluva mechanic.  Most recently I've been paying him $10 above his going hourly rate to help me fix up a generic sedan I want to sell.  He has to wait until the sale to get his money, but he gets more money.  He is struggling mightily, having lost a couple of houses to Onion Creek floods and then foreclosure.  He's currently just extricated himself from a shitty week-rent hotel into a 4plex, so things are sort of looking up.

Honestly, he's always been pretty reliable, but those times when he seemingly goes off radar for a few weeks and we need to get in touch are nerve-wracking.  I haven't ever figured out a legit way to get him on solid footing.

In your circumstance?  I wouldn't loan more than I'd be willing to lose, and I'd write it off immediately.  I wouldn't expose family to liability.  Other than that, I'd help my buddy, always.

[Snake Diggity 4627]

I never loan money.  It’s either a gift I’m comfortable giving or it’s not happening; ideally (and the majority of the time), it’s my idea and the person never had to ask.  If someone asks me for money (anything over $100), I will talk thru their situation and try to steer them in the right direction.  I’ve found that most of the time when people are asking their friends to borrow money, they haven’t really tried the (better) alternatives.

 

Other than money, I will pretty much do anything for somebody I know.  Unfortunately because of my current phase of life, more often than not, the person will have to ask me for the favor.  I long for a time when I can be the kind of person who consistently and proactively helps others.

[TKthunder2 4997]

Never give cash.  That should be rule number one for everybody.  Pay a bill for someone if you must but never ever give anyone money because odds are that it won’t be used how you think.

I’ll help people in multiple ways but the only times I’ve ever spent my own money on a person directly was paying a month of a good friend’s rent while he was in between jobs (which surprisingly I was paid back), buying a neighbor’s medication a couple of times while she was in some financial problems, and going out of my way to supply a cousin with bunch of baby things for her newborn since they were basically living out of their car.

I’ll do other things like mowing/edging a neighbor’s lawn, giving someone a ride or letter of recommendation, but I draw a very hard line with drugs users because my family has a history of substance abuse and I’ve seen how much trouble they can cause if you simply give them the opportunity.  Other than driving them to a rehab clinic I won’t get me or my family involved.

[52-80 19252]

Ass or Gas.

[Bernard 879]

Just give a few bucks to someone in need and never look back. Hell, a few weeks ago I was in a good mood and gave $200 to the mentally challenged guy who’s always emptying trash cans and sweeping the floor around the section I sit in at the Texans games. I bought a $600 Honda for a guy who used to do odd jobs in the neighborhood where I owned a business. Dude lived in Houston and only had a bike. He crashed the shit out of it three weeks later. Did I care? Not one bit. He’s back to biking though. 🙂

As mentioned above, don’t make loans. Give gifts. It will make you happy. No one likes someone who is a bitch about money. 

Bernard

[gyroprotagonist 2595]

it has to be said.  I refuse to help an aggy if they utter the phrase  "Can you help me with this?" and are prowling in their truck.

[Guest]

Better than the pantry and canning supplies...

[tbone_ 14165]

If you are talking about a grown up who is always I trouble because they consistently make poor decisions, you are unlikely going to be able to change that. Help if you feel like it. But don’t be surprised when they don’t change. You can lead a horse to water and all....

 

Someone who you care about that is in an atypical bind? Do every thing you can.

 

Also as has been said many times before, give money don’t loan it. The bad decision folks won’t pay you back anyway.

 

 

[Brew 3049]

To a buddy, I’m probably not just handing over cash. However, I go out of my way to always pick up the tabs, cover big ticket pieces of guy trips, etc. because I’ve got the means and not all of my buddies are in the same position.

For family, I do more than I should there. I’ve had to cover stuff for my dad and mother in law for the last several years. My wife and I keep saying that we’re going to cut them off but that’s easier said than done at this point.