Official 2018 bitch about family/holiday drama thread

[Longboard Horn 40,333]

7 hours ago, Armybrat said:

I’m sick & tired of that lame ass turkey every Thanksgiving. Hardly ever touch it and go for the ham instead. Gotta have the dressing & gravy though. Am going to buy a prime standing rib roast and have my son smoke it for the family Christmas dinner.

My family does ham or brisket for thanksgiving 

[hacker 184]

My FIL has been at my house since September.  Consider it a blessing that you fuckers only deal with a few days of this shit

[Guest Lobo]

Me: "In the tradition of Jews in Galilee at the time, I'd like to prepare for our Christmas Feast...brisket, fresh caught grouper, and medium-bodied red wine."  

In-Laws: "Ham and Pepsi it is!"  

[4th&Five 41,558]

we do the traditional turkey dinner for thanksgiving and prime rib and lobster for xmas.

[Guest Lobo]

nice humblebrag to Jesus.  "I know you can't eat shellfish and preached helping the poor instead of splurging on rich foods...so we're having lobster."  

 

Sinner...

[Felix 607]

On 12/1/2018 at 7:11 AM, GhostOfTomJoad said:

 

Of all the things that I'm glad to have left behind when I escaped Minnesota, lutefisk has got to be #1 on the list. I damn near get dry heaves just thinking about that shit. 

I don't eat that shit, but the few old Swedes we have left seem to like it.

[Kennythetiger 9,389]

How about ostakaka?

[Felix 607]

We actually had that last year for the first time in a while.  It's pretty good.

[Al_4_ISU 12,464]

The only Scandinavian food I've ever cottoned to was lefse.  That's pretty good.  The rest of it scares me, and makes me glad for my ethnicity (mostly German, dash of eastern European mutt) and any ethnic meals in my family (either side) growing up were either crock pot brats stewed in chopped cabbage, beer, potatoes, and kraut or pierogis and cabbage rolls.

Edited December 4, 2018 by Al_4_ISU

[Thatguy 8,750]

20 minutes ago, Al_4_ISU said:

The only Scandinavian food I've ever cottoned to was lefse.  That's pretty good.  The rest of it scares me, and makes me glad for my ethnicity (mostly German, dash of eastern European mutt) and any ethnic meals in my family (either side) growing up were either crock pot brats stewed in chopped cabbage, beer, potatoes, and kraut or pierogis and cabbage rolls.

   My FIL is from Minn. Those people up there eat weird shit.

[Al_4_ISU 12,464]

19 minutes ago, Thatguy said:

   My FIL is from Minn. Those people up there eat weird shit.

I hope you're referring to Lutefisk, and not cheese balls.

[lateshow 1,304]

On 12/2/2018 at 8:14 PM, Lobo said:

Me: "In the tradition of Jews in Galilee at the time, I'd like to prepare for our Christmas Feast...brisket, fresh caught grouper, and medium-bodied red wine."  

In-Laws: "Ham and Pepsi it is!"  

Pepsi? Damn Yankees

[GhostOfTomJoad 9,331]

1 hour ago, Thatguy said:

   My FIL is from Minn. Those people up there eat weird shit.

Old Minnesota joke: Do you know why every food recipe in Minnesota calls for milk?

Because it adds both flavor and color

I was 14 when we got to Texas. In a week I'd discovered tase buds I never knew I had.

[Guest Lobo]

Serious family holiday question not worth its own thread.  Thinking about going with some in-town family out to that Pioneer Farms "Victorian Christmas" deal they do each year.  Never been out there because it looks about as fun as churning butter (spoiler alert), but the Christmas deal they put on looks unique and I think the 3.5yo would get a big kick out of it.  But pics can be deceiving.  Any advice from those that have been here in NE Austin?  Thanks!

[ABSR 5,315]

1 hour ago, Lobo said:

Serious family holiday question not worth its own thread.  Thinking about going with some in-town family out to that Pioneer Farms "Victorian Christmas" deal they do each year.  Never been out there because it looks about as fun as churning butter (spoiler alert), but the Christmas deal they put on looks unique and I think the 3.5yo would get a big kick out of it.  But pics can be deceiving.  Any advice from those that have been here in NE Austin?  Thanks!

Don’t get married or have kids.  Spend excess cash on hookers and blow.

[SHOOTER12 8,810]

7 hours ago, lateshow said:

Pepsi? Damn Yankees

"Can You Take Me High Enough"......

[Longboard Horn 40,333]

43 minutes ago, ABSR said:

Don’t get married or have kids.  Spend excess cash on hookers and blow.

THIS!

[Biff Tannen 45,691]

22 hours ago, Lobo said:

Serious family holiday question not worth its own thread.  Thinking about going with some in-town family out to that Pioneer Farms "Victorian Christmas" deal they do each year.  Never been out there because it looks about as fun as churning butter (spoiler alert), but the Christmas deal they put on looks unique and I think the 3.5yo would get a big kick out of it.  But pics can be deceiving.  Any advice from those that have been here in NE Austin?  Thanks!

We used to go there on field trips when I was in elementary school.  Pretty sure it was like this.

 

 

 

 

Yeah, that's all I got.

[Guest Lobo]

Don't get me wrong, looks dorky as hell.  But it seems to be a different twist on the usual Christmas celebration 'experience'  

[davidg 4,038]

On 12/4/2018 at 10:27 AM, Thatguy said:

   My FIL is from Minn. Those people up there eat weird shit.

[YoungCounty 165]

Having Christmas at my mom’s today. So far things have been okay. Waiting on my sister to blow up and ruin everything. 

 

Couple of things have made me come to this thread though. First was my mom. We were all standing around the table, waiting for my preacher brother in law to say the prayer. My mom says, “Real quick I need to say something.”  I figured it would be some sappy, tearful speech about all of us being there, how happy she was, etc. Instead she said “Please be sure to remember no paper products in the toilet. It gets backed up when you flush toilet paper down. I’d hate to have a clogged toilet today.”  It’s true. My moms house is out in the country with country plumbing. But everyone knows the drill. So, that is how the meal started. 

 

Little background on next part. My parents are divorced. Dad still comes out to my moms for Xmas. He is in bad health. I was supposed to bring him out. He was sick though. So he stayed at his house today. My dumbass sister waits til right in the middle of the meal to ask what is wrong with my dad. I start to simply say he isn’t felling well, and my wife chimes in with stomach issues. All is well I think. Then dumbass sister says “It’s those damn anti diarrhea pills he takes all the time. He gets stopped up taking them for days at a time then finally starts with diarrhea shits everywhere.”  I had my face down so I wouldn’t see everyone’s reaction and start laughing. I think the entire table was pissed. Luckily my mom quickly switched the subject by saying “Boy, this brisket sure is good.”

 

Hopefully these two shitty stories (pun intended) are the highlight of the day. I wouldn’t bet on it though. 

[GhostOfTomJoad 9,331]

So there's no ass wiping at your mom's place after dropping a deuce? Sounds...smelly.

[AM Wood 335]

So shitty toilet paper in the garbage can? It must smell like an outhouse at your moms.

[Parliament 14,260]

Shart thread is that way -->

[Post Oak 20,245]

On 11/26/2018 at 9:51 AM, tbone_ said:

The Renaissance Festival in Montgomery with a crew of 16 and 7 kids on Saturday was interesting.



Random pic btw. Not my crew, nor is it representative of anyone in my crew.

 

[CoTex 1,160]

Damn.

mother-in-law’s brother comes into town with his wife to visit for the holiday.

Gonna all hang out at my house because it’s nice and mother-in-law’s house sucks.  

Go to dinner.

come back home.

all is well - they’re olds so boring af, but whatever.  I can abide.

Sit around fireplace and talk about nothing.

brother of mil goes into my bathroom and has a shit explosion.

now we’re at the “can we borrow some of your clothes,” stage of the evening.

sure you can.  Would you like to borrow some bleach and some cleaning supplies too?

damn.

[GSU&UT 1,798]

Hahhaha, that was unexpected but completely fits with the past few posts. I'm enjoying the Shart and Family Bitch threads merging.

 

 

[SimonBolivar 10,958]

On 12/9/2018 at 8:02 AM, AM Wood said:

So shitty toilet paper in the garbage?

Bienvenida a Mexico

[GhostOfTomJoad 9,331]

So my dad is paranoid about the mail delivery. It routinely takes 7-10 days for him to send something from Fort Collins to Austin. The birthday card he sent me in Nov was a week late which mortified him. Sent it Nov 21 got it Dec 3. Big fucking hairy deal.

 

He alerted me this weekend that he'd sent a padded envelope containing my wife's bday card plus our xmas card and some gift cards (yes, we're still forced to send each other gift cards which is the dumbest thing ever). He's tracking it & noticed it took a week to get from his house to Denver, and is afraid it won't be here in time for Mrs GOTJ's bday this Wednesday.

 

His proposal for next year? He wants to ship us our cards on Labor Day then we're to stash them & open 12-16 weeks later.

 

 

[Guest Lobo]

Well to be fair to your Pops, the mail theft rates around Labor Day are pretty damn low.  In fact, I don't even think there's any mail service on Labor Day, or the day before even.  

[Onboard 2.0 9,083]

7 minutes ago, Lobo said:

Well to be fair to your Pops, the mail theft rates around Labor Day are pretty damn low.  In fact, I don't even think there's any mail service on Labor Day, or the day before even.  

You sure are smart.......

[Guest Lobo]

That really does stink though because a lot of older folks that still use old school USPS are the demographic that still sends gift cards, too.  So it's a doubly vulnerable situation in the first few weeks of December...particularly those that live in more rural areas as my in-laws do.  Since they trust community banks, a federally chartered one needs to issue some kind of digitally secure gift card that can be cancelled out if not received on the other end by a certain date.  The USPS I guess would also have to be involved, I dunno.  

Back to the topic of the thread...One of my wife's sisters announced she is unable to travel for Christmas because her dog is sick.  She doesn't believe in boarding it and barely believes in proper vet care.  I'm glad actually since she can suck the fun out of a Mardi Gras parade.  But she's now shitting on our baptism plan for April/May.  She can't travel then either, unless of course the dog is dead.  And my wife needs her to be the sponsor since Catholic Churches demand a Catholic sponsor it.

[Armybrat 40,851]

Find another Catholic. They are all over the place.

[MissingInAction 25,106]

I made the mistake of telling the family I'm off for 12 days. There were no , oh great you deserve some time off or awesome what are you going to do, typesof responses. 

Oh no, it was nothing but being volunteered to babysit, do yard work, visit fucktards in Fucktardia Tx, etc. Set my phone to ignore everyone except the one sister whose company I actually enjoy, and will be spending Christmas with.

[BearSchlong 8,098]

Lobo now that's a solid contribution.

 

Tell her that the fact that dogs live 10-15 years and people live 85 years means that every human gets about 6-7 dogs per lifetime, but only one set of siblings/neices-nephews. It sucks, it's not fair, but its Gods will.

 

Tell her to board the dog at the vet and include an exam/treatment and it'll be like medical tourism, and what dog wouldn't love that!

 

If she persists then just cut her out of your life, she has fur babies and doesn't need humans.

 

Wait, who is getting baptized?

[NeverMarryAStripper 21,907]

7 minutes ago, MissingInAction said:

visit fucktards in Fucktardia Tx

I thought that i had pretty much been everywhere in Texas, but I think I missed that place.

[BearSchlong 8,098]

I thought that i had pretty much been everywhere in Texas, but I think I missed that place.

It's on Hwy 6.

 

Precisely halfway between College Station and Waco.

[MissingInAction 25,106]

It makes up about 95% of Texas.

[Johnny Sack 8,397]

Going to ranch Thursday after work as kids get dismissed at noon that day for Christmas break.  I think there will be 30 of us there. Half are kids 0-13.   I love it.  Will be like a Griswold Christmas as we will all be together 6 nights.  But kids sleep on third floor in bunk beds and adults all have our own rooms and bathrooms.  We assign meals and clean up duties.  

We all get along pretty damn well.  Will be food, booze, fires, shooting, fishing, hunting, etc.  My family is realtively normal and harmonious.  

[Johnny Sack 8,397]

2 minutes ago, MissingInAction said:

It makes up about 95% of Texas.

No way.  

[G650 14,263]

3 minutes ago, MissingInAction said:

It makes up about 95% of Texas.

Yeah, beat me to it.

[Hate 20,112]

Going to ranch Thursday after work as kids get dismissed at noon that day for Christmas break.  I think there will be 30 of us there. Half are kids 0-13.   I love it.  Will be like a Griswold Christmas as we will all be together 6 nights.  But kids sleep on third floor in bunk beds and adults all have our own rooms and bathrooms.  We assign meals and clean up duties.  
We all get along pretty damn well.  Will be food, booze, fires, shooting, fishing, hunting, etc.  My family is realtively normal and harmonious.  

This is similar to my plans, but with fewer people. We leave Friday for 5 days of drinking, shooting guns, eating, smoking, and fishing. I can’t wait.

[MissingInAction 25,106]

Spending the weekend and Xmas eve with sister and nephew who is now old enough to start corrupting properly as a good uncle should. Stopping by parents place Xmas day. Packing my gear for beach camping then headed to padre the next day for 3 nights.

Sugar bowl after maybe an option. We shall see.

[Johnny Sack 8,397]

7 minutes ago, Hate said:

 

This is similar to my plans, but with fewer people. We leave Friday for 5 days of drinking, shooting guns, eating, smoking, and fishing. I can’t wait.

 

It is nice being lucky and having family you like.   No one is perfect.  But we all genuinely like each other.  I think in my family is each generation has lost someone of their vintage when young for different illnesses — my grandmother lost her young adult sister back in the 50s to a bad car wreck, my mom and her siblings lost a sister at age 20 to the same cancer Steinmatk had two weeks after Freddie died — she actually died in the same room at MD Anderson Freddie did two weeks later, and my siblings and cousins lost my brother to a aneurysm when he was 34.  And everyone one of those three was very much loved and cherished by their peer generation. So there is a certain fragility we all have that has made us closer and we cut each other a lot of slack.    

Edited December 17, 2018 by Johnny Sack

[AM Wood 335]

53 minutes ago, Lobo said:

That really does stink though because a lot of older folks that still use old school USPS are the demographic that still sends gift cards, too.  So it's a doubly vulnerable situation in the first few weeks of December...particularly those that live in more rural areas as my in-laws do.  Since they trust community banks, a federally chartered one needs to issue some kind of digitally secure gift card that can be cancelled out if not received on the other end by a certain date.  The USPS I guess would also have to be involved, I dunno.  

Back to the topic of the thread...One of my wife's sisters announced she is unable to travel for Christmas because her dog is sick.  She doesn't believe in boarding it and barely believes in proper vet care.  I'm glad actually since she can suck the fun out of a Mardi Gras parade.  But she's now shitting on our baptism plan for April/May.  She can't travel then either, unless of course the dog is dead.  And my wife needs her to be the sponsor since Catholic Churches demand a Catholic sponsor it.

i was godfather to my niece in a catholic service and i'm an atheist. i did the don't ask, don't tell policy that worked so well for the u.s. military.

[Johnny Sack 8,397]

3 minutes ago, AM Wood said:

i was godfather to my niece in a catholic service and i'm an atheist. i did the don't ask, don't tell policy that worked so well for the u.s. military.

I’m godfather to a nephew.  And I’m about as Protestant as they come.  The priest asked me nothing about my beliefs.  

[AM Wood 335]

3 minutes ago, Johnny Sack said:

I’m godfather to a nephew.  And I’m about as Protestant as they come.  The priest asked me nothing about my beliefs.  

all it really entails is holding the kid while they put chad's noint on them

[MissingInAction 25,106]

And keeping the catholic priest from diddling the kid. 

[Al_4_ISU 12,464]

28 minutes ago, Johnny Sack said:

It is nice being lucky and having family you like.   No one is perfect.  But we all genuinely like each other.  I think in my family is each generation has lost someone of their vintage when young for different illnesses — my grandmother lost her young adult sister back in the 50s to a bad car wreck, my mom and her siblings lost a sister at age 20 to the same cancer Steinmatk had two weeks after Freddie died — she actually died in the same room at MD Anderson Freddie did two weeks later, and my siblings and cousins lost my brother to a aneurysm when he was 34.  And everyone one of those three was very much loved and cherished by their peer generation. So there is a certain fragility we all have that has made us closer and we cut each other a lot of slack.    

A lot of this in my family.  On my dad's side, I had 3 cousins die before the age of 17.  Two of them were brothers (who never knew each other).  There were 14 total grandchildren.  The two brothers I was really close to, as our dads (who are brothers) farmed together and they lived 4 miles away (that's your neighbor, in the country).  2/3rds of us grew up in the same area, and about 1/2 of us have settled down there.  There is no bullshit among our generation whatsoever, we have a lot of fun when we get together, and having that shared grief and the perspective that comes with it is the biggest reason for that.

[Guest Lobo]

Our priest wouldn't ask.  He likes us and doesn't give me any shit for not being Catholic, not even hinting remotely at a desire to convert and he knows we didn't get married in a Catholic Church, we got married outside on a Sunday not using diocese clergy and had no communion; but still got the Church to endorse the wedding as an officially sanctified and sacramental ceremony.  However, the woman in the front office that collects the paperwork before you can have a baptism at the Church...holy shit---she loves her some paperwork.  We have to send the name of the sponsoring Catholic.  And then my wife is nervous that the church will somehow find out that one of her middle sisters has been living with a guy for 15 years while unmarried.  But I got shit from the wife because I pointed out, "15 years living together, jointly titled on a home and a few other assets...yeah---they're common law married."  Her mother cried about it all and sobbed over the fact that the Catholic Church doesn't recognize common law marriages.  My reply was, "Welp, good thing the IRS does."  

Their rules are just an absolute fucking beating of exhaustive proportions.  And they fail to understand that a prayer to literally 15 different saints before a meal is only made tolerable by having some alcohol on the table during said meal.  But nope, theological intolerance and Pepsi for these folks!