Jump to content
Jordan Washington chats with Bobby for Burnt Ends ×

Shart Thread 2019: Year of the Squirt

Prepuce of Doom

By Prepuce of Doom
in Lulz

 Share

Recommended Posts

Whatever

Whatever 700

Posted
Posted

So I just sat on the couch. It's wet. I ask the wife why and she tells me the 3 year old sharted while sitting on it and it needed to be cleaned.

6 year old pipes up, "I remember my first shart!" and proceeds to tell us when and where it happened.

  • Like 1
  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Incredulity

Incredulity 11141

Posted
Posted
3 hours ago, Whatever said:

Just keep eating the way you do and it'll happen for sure.

The last time I made leftover Manwich naoch is the last time I experienced a Shart Attack.

Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but I for one am not going to stand here and listen to you badmouth leftover Manwich naoch. Gentlemen!

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Whatever

Whatever 700

Posted
Posted
Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but I for one am not going to stand here and listen to you badmouth leftover Manwich naoch. Gentlemen!
No badmouthing at all. I'll make them again and if I encounter another shart attack it will be well worth it.
Link to comment
Share on other sites
'stache

'stache 21492

Posted
Posted

Barrel aged stouts are my colon's kryptonite. The day after is constant pressure down below and a complete lack of trust that my o-ring will hold so I spend significant time on the toilet. But I love them and will continue drinking them and as long as I"m smart will be able to never contribute substantively to this thread.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
NWBuck

NWBuck 8511

Posted
Posted

Got "The scope" coming up next week, and need a ruling- Do sharts during the "cleansing" process count, since they're medically enhanced?

Same way we don't recognize Bonds/McGwire's homers for HoF consideration, due to the PEDs, right?

  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Marfa Low Crown

Marfa Low Crown 2539

Posted
Posted (edited)
8 hours ago, 'stache said:

Barrel aged stouts are my colon's kryptonite.

If I were to marry a shit it would be a stout shit. There's an unwavering realness there. What comes out looks just like what came in.
I don't want any surprises after I say "I do". 

Edited by Marfa Low Crown
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Hate

Hate 20039

Posted
Posted
6 hours ago, NWBuck said:

Got "The scope" coming up next week, and need a ruling- Do sharts during the "cleansing" process count, since they're medically enhanced?

Same way we don't recognize Bonds/McGwire's homers for HoF consideration, due to the PEDs, right?

Shart away.  There is no judgement here.  You are in the trust tree.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Mach 1

Mach 1 1676

Posted
Posted

I've scoffed at this thread, since I haven't sharted since binge drinking in college and eating Taco Bell.  But fuck me if it didn't happen last week.

Standing outside our hotel in Cabo waiting for our ride to take us ATV riding.  My kids are there with some of their friends, just joking around, having fun, feeling comfortable, when I think, you know, I should probably let this pent up pressure go before getting into the van ...  bad idea.

I'm in shorts and grab the edges before anything oozes out in front of a bunch of teenagers that would mock me until I died.  I duck walked back into the lobby past people checking in looking at me like I was retarded, found the bathrooms and - thank god - they had a unisex type solo bathroom.  Whipped off the shorts, washed them off in the sink, and did a full on baby ass wiping with approximately a shitload of towels.

So now my gray shorts are clean but obviously soaking wet, but fuck it, I walk out head held high, as if I always wear wet shorts.  Go back outside, van is there, and I get in the front seat and roll down the window.  My kids and their friends never suspected a thing.

I shall never scoff again.

 

  • Like 4
  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Marfa Low Crown

Marfa Low Crown 2539

Posted
Posted
On 8/8/2019 at 7:51 PM, Whatever said:

So I just sat on the couch. It's wet. I ask the wife why and she tells me the 3 year old sharted while sitting on it and it needed to be cleaned.

6 year old pipes up, "I remember my first shart!" and proceeds to tell us when and where it happened.

Jesus fucking Christ. Parent of the year award. I didn't learn shart until I was in my 20's. Keep being you sir and teaching the good word. 

 

1 hour ago, Mach 1 said:

I shall never scoff again.

Welcome, Mach. Welcome. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
NWBuck

NWBuck 8511

Posted
Posted
On 8/9/2019 at 3:01 PM, NWBuck said:

Got "The scope" coming up next week, and need a ruling- Do sharts during the "cleansing" process count, since they're medically enhanced?

Same way we don't recognize Bonds/McGwire's homers for HoF consideration, due to the PEDs, right?

On 8/9/2019 at 9:43 PM, Hate said:

Shart away.  There is no judgement here.  You are in the trust tree.

Happy to report that I'm still "clean" for this year... in spite of spending a sleepless night peeing out of my butt.

Thanks for the well wishes.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Fudge Nuggets

Fudge Nuggets 18825

Posted
Posted
On 7/15/2019 at 12:08 PM, Marfa Low Crown said:

A Sunday lunch at Kim Phung in Austin once cost me my boxer shorts, my undershirt, and both socks. I made it as far as Pronto mart in Hyde Park and emerged from their bathroom barefooted and humbled 30 minutes later. A few years later I surrendered a pair of underwear to the restroom trash can in Pho Da Loi in Atlanta. Unsure where to turn, this thread is an inspiration to people like myself. 

Good fucking Lord, have you no shame?

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Marfa Low Crown

Marfa Low Crown 2539

Posted
Posted

Welp.... had the worst eggs benedict of my life at a San Antonio area Jim's this morning and spent the drive home squirming in the seat
with butt cheeks in full clench mode. No regrets though, to me it's worth the risk of shitting in my own car than doing so in a Jim's bathroom. 


I made it home. It was real close... keys fumbling at the front door in sheer panic... but I made it and it's at this point I'd like to say that if you haven't sharted with the assistance of a squatty potty you're missing out. We hit some fine notes - a cacophonous shart paired with the bowel opening power of the squatty potty isn't too far off from the raw glory of, say, an SG plugged into a Marshall stack.  It's a classic you're not likely to improve upon. Still looking for the squatty potty to gift me the legendary unbroken two footer, but in the meantime I'll take musical moments like today. 

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Sbbruin

Sbbruin 21568

Posted
Posted

OK, so I have been having an issue lately, which, while not sharting per se, is causing me distress.  When I go to blow mud, for some god forsaken reason, I seem to get a big blob on the inside of my right butt cheek.  Not the left, and not every time, but it creates a real wiping ordeal.  Why it is not projecting straight down into the bowl has me perplexed.  This injustice needs to end.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
El Diablo

El Diablo 4232

Posted
Posted
44 minutes ago, Sbbruin said:

OK, so I have been having an issue lately, which, while not sharting per se, is causing me distress.  When I go to blow mud, for some god forsaken reason, I seem to get a big blob on the inside of my right butt cheek.  Not the left, and not every time, but it creates a real wiping ordeal.  Why it is not projecting straight down into the bowl has me perplexed.  This injustice needs to end.

We've discussed this before. When you had the colonoscopy done they did not completely tighten things up on the way out and it sounds like they cross-threaded your O-ring as well leading to an uneven spray/distribution of coal. You should dispute the bill. 

  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Sbbruin

Sbbruin 21568

Posted
Posted
3 minutes ago, El Diablo said:

We've discussed this before. When you had the colonoscopy done they did not completely tighten things up on the way out and it sounds like they cross-threaded your O-ring as well leading to an uneven spray/distribution of coal. You should dispute the bill. 

Maybe I'll just use some CLR on my sphincter.  Could just be some lime and scale buildup.  Will report back.

  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Beau Vine

Beau Vine 53625

Posted
Posted
On 8/8/2019 at 7:51 PM, Whatever said:

So I just sat on the couch. It's wet. I ask the wife why and she tells me the 3 year old sharted while sitting on it and it needed to be cleaned.

6 year old pipes up, "I remember my first shart!" and proceeds to tell us when and where it happened.

Kinda dusty in here.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
 Share
Go to topic listing


Football ... Basketball ... Baseball ... Other Sports ... Futbol ... 🤫995🤫 ... Gambling ... Movies & TV ... Music ... Hobbies ... Lulz ... Food & Travel ... Daily Texan ... Business and Markets ... Cloak Room ... Help ... For Sale ... Board Discussion ... Subscribe!... Donate!... Advertise... COOKIE MONSTER!

×
×
  • Create New...