A wedding and a funeral tomorrow

[Brisketexan 105144]

Not me, but my wife. She performs weddings all the time - hundreds under her belt. But tomorrow, she also has a funeral. She’s done a fair number of funerals, too. It’s part of her calling. But this is her first one for a baby.

She’s worked on the homily with me, the concepts and ideas she wants to communicate. She doesn’t usually do that; this one is hard. I have no idea what to say; the entire concept overwhelms me.

The whole process is more than I even want to imagine, yet I know that it’s all too real for one family. Fuck.

She’s gotta help say goodbye to a baby tomorrow. I don’t have any idea how you do that. I don’t know if anyone does.

Well, there that is. What a shitty week.

 

[Paco 1934]

My son's best buddy from age 4-7 died of brain cancer. He had to wear a helmet all the time and a lot of the kids gave him shit over it. My son asked if he could have a cool helmet like his buddy, and they were inseparable.

Anyway, when he passed the service was at St. Martin's Lutheran. I really didn't want to go, obviously, and my son still didn't quite understand that his buddy was gone for good. He had been in the hospital quite a bit for the last few weeks and we weren't sure if my son understood that his friend was gone.

The Pastor at St Martin's gave the most amazing sermon I've ever heard. Somehow he made the kids understand that their friend had moved on to a place where hospitals and helmets weren't necessary.

That was many years ago. I don't remember what he said, but I do remember that parents and children left the service with a true sense of closure. I can't explain what a comfort that was.

Obviously I can't comprehend what the boy's parents were going through, and I can't imagine that the service was anything more than a motion they had to go through, and that's absolutely understandable. But for my son and me, and many others, I think the wisdom of his words were absolutely perfect at a time of sadness and uncertainty.

I think your wife will find those words. They may not perfect, but if sincere and heartfelt her words will resonate with an audience searching for any shred of hope amidst the unspeakable tragedy of the death of a child.

[Pato del Muerto 52499]

Neat thread. 

[Nice Guy Eddie 13512]

Random thought about funerals for non-religious people.  Obviously many people don’t belong to churches/temples but when they die, the common step is for the surviving family to find a preacher, reverend, rabbi, whatever to lead the services.

 I find it odd when the person leading the funeral service states they never met the deceased.  They’re always respectful.  Gathers a few anecdotes about the deceased.  Very professional.  I get that it wouldn’t be  easy to ask a grieving friend or family member to emcee the service but is it better to ask a stranger?  

And how does the find-a-preacher thing work?  Is it contracted thru the funeral home for a couple hundred $ for a few hours of time?  

[South Austin 52510]

I have a tremendous amount of respect for priests and pastors who serve at funerals. They must share a good bit of the sadness and grief suffered by the family and friends of the deceased, yet they have to be the rock of comfort for those folks. I could probably hold it together for a stranger or someone I knew casually, but for a friend or a child, I’d be a total wreck.

A ton of admiration for your wife’s ministry, Brisket.

[Post Oak 20213]

You out kicked your coverage Brisket.

Everyone squeeze your kids tight and tell em you love them.

 

[Red Five 40859]

So, two funerals. /Al Bundy

[Not that Bob 738]

The Episcopal Book of Common Prayer has some good words. 

[Fred Willard 115]

4 hours ago, Nice Guy Eddie said:

Random thought about funerals for non-religious people.  Obviously many people don’t belong to churches/temples but when they die, the common step is for the surviving family to find a preacher, reverend, rabbi, whatever to lead the services.

 I find it odd when the person leading the funeral service states they never met the deceased.  They’re always respectful.  Gathers a few anecdotes about the deceased.  Very professional.  I get that it wouldn’t be  easy to ask a grieving friend or family member to emcee the service but is it better to ask a stranger?  

And how does the find-a-preacher thing work?  Is it contracted thru the funeral home for a couple hundred $ for a few hours of time?  

That’s what we have to do when and if we need too. We don’t need to hire a preacher. I went to a funeral recently and the deceased cousin did an amazing job. Just being humble and making it a day for all the grieving kept him strong I think. The damn thing lasted three hours, just folks sharing their memories. It can be an incredibly powerful thing to drop your defenses and grieve as a family.

[CooterBrown 18013]

Is not having a funeral common? Seems to be more so nowadays. Wife’s gpa...no funeral. My aunt and uncle a few months ago, no funeral. There’s not much reason to if you aren’t religious.

[South Austin 52510]

1 minute ago, CooterBrown said:

Is not having a funeral common? Seems to be more so nowadays. Wife’s gpa...no funeral. My aunt and uncle a few months ago, no funeral. There’s not much reason to if you aren’t religious.

Funerals are more for the living than the dead.

[staboner 4972]

take it easy man. you guys do good work. 

[Brisketexan 105144]

Funerals are more for the living than the dead.

Definitely this.
Her approach was geared towards giving the living some instructions and thoughts on how to move forward, and how to support the family. How to help them remember their child, as they so fear that he’ll be forgotten.
And she said it was every bit as difficult as you can imagine.
No way could I do what she does.

Oh, and as for folks who don’t have a regular church, and how they plan, yes, sometimes the funeral home calls in a pastor cold. My wife has done that a few times - but she makes the effort to spend real time with the family before, to get to know them, and how they connected with the deceased. The other extreme is “Brother Hurley.”

Brother Hurley was an old, itinerant south Texas preacher. My south Texas grandfather knew that the tradition was, when you die, “you get Brother Hurley to come read over ya.” So, we did that. As we sat out in the dust and sun in Bigfoot, Texas, Brother Hurley went on about how my grandfather was a godly man who loved and lived for his savior (so, kinda the opposite of the decent, but beer-drinking, smoking, and cussing S Texas rancher that he was). He finished, and my mom stood up and said “well, and let me tell you how he really was....”. The crowd cracked up, and the stories rolled. So, there can definitely be an awkwardness in hiring a preacher “cold.”

For today’s family, they aren’t really religious, like many of their generation. But, also as is typical, they have faith and believe in something. My wife married them. And to them, she is their pastor, even if they aren’t churchgoing. When this happened, she is who they immediately reached out to. I’m glad they had her to connect with. But damn, I wish they hadn’t needed to.

And yeah, my wife is 10x the person that I could ever hope to be. I’m glad that there are people like her out there.

[Assman 1830]

3 hours ago, Red Five said:

Isn't that two of the same thing? /Al Bundy

FIFY

[Underdog 28653]

Sounds like a shitty Hugh Grant movie. 

[NeverMarryAStripper 21907]

Funerals are more for the living than the dead.

That’s my fear, that someday my kids will have me buried alive

[Nice Guy Eddie 13512]

I’ve been to a couple funerals where I don’t think the deceased was someone that would have wanted one but it was the family doing it because it’s what you do.   

Personally I could really care less about a service for me.  I won’t know what’s happening so it doesn’t make a difference for me one way or the other.

[Brisketexan 105144]

I’ve been to a couple funerals where I don’t think the deceased was someone that would have wanted one but it was the family doing it because it’s what you do.   
Personally I could really care less about a service for me.  I won’t know what’s happening so it doesn’t make a difference for me one way or the other.

My old man is a sanguine old Mexican. One night at dinner, somehow the prospect of death and funerals came up. He said he didn’t give a shit what people do, because “once you’re dead, it doesn’t matter.” It has since become a humorous family saying.

[Anastasis 23471]

2 hours ago, South Austin said:

Funerals are more for the living than the dead.

#both. respectfully. 

[Fred Willard 115]