Lame joke thread

[honolulu horn 6157]

Q: How do you spell "ninjas?"

A: "s." The ninja is silent.

[Stella Link 534]

Q: Why can't you trust trees?

A: Because they are so shady.

[Buffsoldier 1895]

3 hours ago, honolulu horn said:

Q: How do you spell "ninjas?"

A: "s." The ninja is silent.

Wouldn't that be "pronounce", not "spell"?

[Hugo Stiglitz 23366]

What do you call two lesbians in a closet?

 

a liquor cabinet 

[Jerry Callo 8674]

When is a door not a door?

When it's ajar.

[Texas007 195]

Q: What did the triangle say to the circle?

A: You're pointless

[TrashMaster G 17446]

(Works better said outloud, not read)

Q: How do you think the unthinkable?

A: With an ithberg.

 

[Kel Varnsen 8457]

Q: Have you ever watched the movie "Constipated"?
A: It hasn't come out yet.

[Stella Link 534]

Q:  What kind of bees make milk?

A:  Boobees!

[Don Keibals 113]

14 hours ago, Buffsoldier said:

Wouldn't that be "pronounce", not "spell"?

That's what makes it so lame

 

What's the difference between a Mexican and a stoner?

A stoner always has papers

[Caver60 395]

Q: What do you call a Jamaican proctologist?

A: Pokemon (better in a Jamaican accent)

[Modessit 5597]

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

 

 

 

She gagged.

 

 

 

Apparently spoiler tags aren't working in Tapa.

 

 

[Stella Link 534]

Q:  What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A:  A rip off!

[Llano Estacado 1257]

How many optometrist does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 or 2? 1...or...2?

 

[Stella Link 534]

Q:  How much does it cost a pirate to pierce his ears?

A:  A buccaneer!

[nivek3 83]

Q: What do you get when you breed a ground hog and a Texas a&m football player?

A: Six more weeks of bad football.

 

[In re UofA 29]

Why didn’t the seagull fly over the bay?

 

it didn’t want to be a bagel.

[HiggyBaby 2523]

Oh god. Subbed.

Why was the sand wet?

Because the sea weed.

[!!!HOTDOGS!!! 31]

Why did the hipster burn his mouth on his food?

 

He ate it before it was cool

[AM Wood 335]

What’s the difference between Kyle field and a porcupine?

 

a porcupine has 100,000 pricks on the outside.

[Stella Link 534]

Q:  What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

A:  Where's my tractor?

 

[Walden Ponderer 12639]

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
 

He sold his soul to Santa.

Edited April 2, 2018 by Walden Ponderer

[Walden Ponderer 12639]

I was playing chess with a friend of mine when out of the blue he says "Let's make this interesting."

 

So we stopped playing chess.

[Pig Bellmont 8697]

Where does the General keep his armies?

 

In his sleevies!

[Pig Bellmont 8697]

A mushroom walks into a bar, and the bartender says "We don't serve your kind around here."

The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fungi" (fun guy - get it?)  OK, I better quit before I get carried away.

[AM Wood 335]

A skeleton walks into a bar.

 

he says “Give me a beer and a mop”

Edited April 3, 2018 by AM Wood

[Stella Link 534]

A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey! We have a drink named after you!".

Confused, the grasshopper replies, "You have a drink named Steve?"

 

[tx ind 7004]

What happened when the elephant stepped on the grape?

 

It let out a little w(h)ine

[Llano Estacado 1257]

A sandwich walks into a bar. Bartender says to him as he approaches the bar, “we don’t serve food here!”

[Walden Ponderer 12639]

Quote

 

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!"

"Yes, sir. It's fresh ground."

 

Quote

How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?

Quote

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

 

[Judge Roybeanbag 11811]

On 3/29/2018 at 11:44 AM, Kel Varnsen said:

Q: Have you ever watched the movie "Constipated"?
A: It hasn't come out yet.

You hear about the constipated mathematician? 

 

He worked it it out with a pencil.

[nivek3 83]

46 minutes ago, Judge Roybeanbag said:

You hear about the constipated mathematician? 

 

He worked it it out with a pencil.

[TexArcher 37678]

Q. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A. Lickalotopus

 

[HiggyBaby 2523]

You hear about the constipated mathematician? 
 
He worked it it out with a pencil.

[BurntOrangeCrush 1004]

A giraffe walks into a bar a yells "hey everyone, highballs on me"

Edited April 7, 2018 by BurntOrangeCrush

[BurntOrangeCrush 1004]

Why don't women drink beer on the nude beach?

They don't like to get sand in their schlitz 

[burntorangebongos 10710]

Q.What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants coming over the hill?

A.Look! There comes a herd of elephants coming over the hill!

Q. What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants wearing sun glasses coming over the hill?

A. Nothing. He didn't recognize them.

Edited April 8, 2018 by burntorangebongos
best joke in 3rd grade

[Stella Link 534]

Q:  What did the apple say to the orange?

A:  Nothing, silly...apples can't talk!

[Llano Estacado 1257]

^
That reminds me of one of my favorites.

Bunch of muffins are in the oven. Muffin 1 turns to the group and says “is it me or is it really warm in here?” Muffin 2 says, “HOLY SHIT! A talking muffin!”

[Modessit 5597]

Two muffins are sitting in an oven. The first muffin says, "Wow! It's really hot in here!" The second muffin says, "AAAHHH! A talking muffin!"

[Llano Estacado 1257]

Jinx! Buy me a beer

[!!!HOTDOGS!!! 31]

How is a man like a hardwood floor?

 

Lay him right the first time and you can walk all over him for a lifetime

[TDunk 590]

What do you get if you are squeezing two small green balls?

 

Kermit the Frog's full attention. 

[Modessit 5597]

Jinx! Buy me a beer

Now that was funny. Didn't even notice at the time.

[tfoolry 8186]

What do you call a rabbit with herpes?

 

 

Peter Rotten Tail

[Homesickhorn 2202]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

 

 

 

To show the armadillo it could be done. 

[Judge Roybeanbag 11811]

16 minutes ago, Homesickhorn said:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

 

 

 

To show the armadillo it could be done. 

I always heard it was to retrieve the empty Lone Star can from the armadillo.  

[Don Keibals 113]

What did the leper say to the hooker?

Keep the tip

[Walden Ponderer 12639]

3 hours ago, Homesickhorn said:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

 

 

 

To show the armadillo it could be done. 

[Walden Ponderer 12639]

Then there was the farmer who got all worried out in the field because he only counted 196 cows, but then he relaxed because when he rounded them up there were 200.