Lame joke thread

[Helobious 9426]

 

[Longboard Horn 39898]

How do you find a blind man at a nude beach?

It’s not hard 

[maninblack 7974]

[miguelito 11116]

Sometimes my grandma doesn't recognize me, but she remembers this joke:

 

"Excuse me, can you tell me the correct pronunciation: is it Hawaii, or Havaii?"

"Havaii."

"OK, thanks."

"You're velcome."

[Modessit 5582]

A Spanish magician told an audience that he would disappear on the count of three.

"Uno, dos, ..." *poof*

He disappeared without a tres.

 

[Richard Kimball 1491]

What's the difference between a four year old and a bag of cocaine? 

Spoiler

Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out a 53rd floor window. 

 

[Armybrat 40559]

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks “If I show you something crazy, would you let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?”

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says “It would have to be something spectacular to take that offer.” The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, who is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little piano. The piano man starts playing classical music like Beethoven and Chopin.

Once he finishes, the bartender is in utter disbelief. He tells the man “You can have free drinks for the rest of the night, but only if you tell me where you got this.” The man says “In the alleyway behind your bar, there is a Genie who is granting free wishes to everyone who wants them.” Elated, the bartender heads behind his bar to see if it was true.

A few minutes passed and out of the alleyway erupts a cacophony of quacking. The bartender rushes back into the bar and shuts his door against a wave of thousands of ducks. He manages to secure the door and says to the man “I think that the Genie is hard of hearing because after I asked for a million bucks, these ducks appeared by the hundreds of thousands.” The man chuckles and says “Did you really think I wished for a 12-inch pianist?”

[SquishMitten 10373]

Did you hear about the prince that was only 12 inches tall?

He ended up being a terrible king, but he made for an excellent ruler.

[Helobious 9426]

Did you know that pigeons die after having sex?

Spoiler

Well the one I fucked did.

 

Edited March 30, 2021 by Helobious

[Armybrat 40559]

[Longboard Horn 39898]

[maninblack 7974]

[Armybrat 40559]

[Richard Kimball 1491]

Bigfoot is often mistaken for a Sasquatch.

 

 

Yeti never complains. 

[Scheiss Meister 8321]

The owner of Ikea became the Prime Minister of Sweden last week.

He's still trying to assemble his cabinet.

[Walden Ponderer 12638]

1 hour ago, Scheiss Meister said:

The owner of Ikea became the Prime Minister of Sweden last week.

He's still trying to assemble his cabinet.

[Armybrat 40559]

19 hours ago, Richard Kimball said:

Bigfoot is often mistaken for a Sasquatch.

 

 

Yeti never complains. 

 

[maninblack 7974]

[hookemATL 11510]

Why did the T-Rex get a massage?

Bc he was dino-SORE.

[Longboard Horn 39898]

What’s heavier, water or butane?

Water because butane’s a lighter fluid

[ernest_t_bass 1196]

Contrary to popular belief, the aurora borealis is not very heavy.

It’s pretty light

[Richard Kimball 1491]

I was gonna make a joke about sodium, but then I was like, "Na."

[Armybrat 40559]

What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom? A pick pocket snatches watches...

[General Specific 3155]

What’s the difference between a lesbian and a saltine cracker?

One is a snack cracker...

[Horn Under a Bad Sign 20304]

Tribute bands for Conspiracy Theorists

 

Flat Earth, Wind & Fire

IllumiNaughtyByNature

Fluoride and the Machine

False Black Flag

My Chemical-trails Romance

The Mamas and the Papas Who Don’t Vaccinate Their Kids

Guided By Voices On Fox News

Pizzagato Five

CruëAnon

Run D.N.C. Server

Steely Dossier

Jefferson Airplane Fuel Cannot Melt Steel Beams

The Jonas Birthers

A Tribe Called Question Obama’s Birthplace

Ladysmith Black Helicopters

The Dead Kennedys Assassination Was Done By the CIA

Gang of 4Chan

Unmarked Van Morrison

Simple Minds Control

Deep Purple State

And You Will Know The Clintons By the Trail of Dead

Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, Epstein Was Definitely Murdered

Soft Cell Security

BenFugazi

Opus Dei and the Knights

Jimmy Hoffa Eats World

Huey Lewis And The Fake News

Men At Work Controlling The Media

They Might Be Giant 400 Lb Guys Sitting On A Bed, Okay?

Bush Did 9/11

[Walden Ponderer 12638]

So, I invented a new word today:  plagiarism.

 

 

Just kidding; I actually stole that joke.

[thunderlounge 7642]

Did y’all hear about the can crusher that hated his job?

 

 

 

It was soda pressing. 

[WhatTheBuck 28618]

On 4/20/2021 at 3:41 PM, Walden Ponderer said:

So, I invented a new word today:  plagiarism.

Just kidding; I actually stole that joke.

Melania?

[nnm 35671]

1 hour ago, WhatTheBuck said:

Melania?

Joe?

[thunderlounge 7642]

1 hour ago, WhatTheBuck said:

Melania?

 

9 minutes ago, nnm said:

Joe?

Mama?

[WhatTheBuck 28618]

1 hour ago, nnm said:

Joe?

 Be better. 

[Paco 1905]

 Be better. 

Take the loss pussy

[markstanco 12449]

Somebody else said that once

[WhatTheBuck 28618]

12 minutes ago, Paco said:

3 hours ago, WhatTheBuck said:

 Be better. 

Take the loss pussy

That doesn’t even make sense.

But then I really don’t care. Do U?

Edited April 23, 2021 by WhatTheBuck

[thunderlounge 7642]

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe, which promptly lays down on the floor. The barman says, “Oi mate, you cant leave that lyin’ there!”

The man says, “It’s not a lion it’s a giraffe”

[Armybrat 40559]

A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is. A student puts up his hand and says 'G'. The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus?"

[nnm 35671]

3 hours ago, Armybrat said:

A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is. A student puts up his hand and says 'G'. The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus?"

Took me a minute, but I chuckled. 

[Willfully Horn 7892]

I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

[Prepuce of Doom 20909]

On 12/12/2020 at 7:00 PM, BearSchlong said:

@ernest_t_bass thanks.

When I was a kid at Camp Olympia my cabin mate brought totally tasteless jokes versions 1-5.

I never understood the polack jokes, though. Must be a regional/generational thing.

Are we to assume that you're Polish then? 

[maninblack 7974]

nm

 

Edited May 4, 2021 by maninblack

[honolulu horn 6155]

13 minutes ago, maninblack said:

Is the lame part the joke or the fact that you retold the same joke posted earlier on this very page? 

[maninblack 7974]

Missed it. 

[Poolflood 845]

2 minutes ago, honolulu horn said:

Is the lame part the joke or the fact that you retold the same joke posted earlier on this very page? 

Whynotboth.gif

[Your Mom 4763]

This thread goes through dry spells, but this page has delivered.  My kid still gets a lame dad joke in his lunch every day.  Several from this page will make the cut.

I'll keep them in my dad-a-base.

[General Specific 3155]

What’s better than Roses your piano?

Tulips on your organ!

[ROFL BOX 6623]

*on

[Born to Run 6363]

Are we to assume that you're Polish then? 

Ha ha Jokes on you
I'm part Polish and I get made fun of a lot

Also don't bet on the duck at a cock fight

[El Diablo 4232]

3 hours ago, Born to Run said:

Ha ha Jokes on you
I'm part Polish and I get made fun of a lot

Also don't bet on the duck at a cock fight

Didn't know Doom was Italian. 

[Armybrat 40559]

The difference between booze and weed?

5 drunk guys will start a fire.

5 stoned guys will start a band.

[XYZ 2154]

On 4/24/2021 at 9:45 AM, Armybrat said:

A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is. A student puts up his hand and says 'G'. The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus?"

I don’t get it.