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  • 2 weeks later...
Posted

gf is prego

we like to get kinky anyways

one night things get particularly saucy

i'm sticking my noodle in her when I notice weird fucking chunks coming out, so I turn on the lights

wtf it's red everywhere and she's obviously not on her period

i look up at her, she's got a glassy, jarred look on her face and she's not answering

ohshitohshitohshitohshit

i rush her into my car and speed all the way to the hospital

she's still bleeding everywhere

by the time we get there, she's not bleeding much anymore, but all the color has drained and she looks colorless and almost transparent

oh shit, she looks like she's in a vegetative state

storm into to the emergency room, cary her to the nearest doctor and explain eveything

he takes one look at ther and says

"sir, i'm sorry, there's nothing we can do"

"WHY THE FUCK NOT???"

"we don't operate on empty jars of spaghetti sauce"

  • Haha 1
Posted
12 hours ago, Bullneck said:

gf is prego

we like to get kinky anyways

one night things get particularly saucy

i'm sticking my noodle in her when I notice weird fucking chunks coming out, so I turn on the lights

wtf it's red everywhere and she's obviously not on her period

i look up at her, she's got a glassy, jarred look on her face and she's not answering

ohshitohshitohshitohshit

i rush her into my car and speed all the way to the hospital

she's still bleeding everywhere

by the time we get there, she's not bleeding much anymore, but all the color has drained and she looks colorless and almost transparent

oh shit, she looks like she's in a vegetative state

storm into to the emergency room, cary her to the nearest doctor and explain eveything

he takes one look at ther and says

"sir, i'm sorry, there's nothing we can do"

"WHY THE FUCK NOT???"

"we don't operate on empty jars of spaghetti sauce"

That's not lame.  That's just stupid.

  • Like 2
Posted

An old man went to the pharmacist and said, "Look, I'm having a little trouble performing with my wife. Do they make any pills that can help with that?"

The pharmacist replied, "Sure, that's more common than you may think. In fact I take Viagra myself for the same sort of thing."

The old man asked. "Can you get it over the counter?"

The pharmacist thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, probably if I took 2 or 3 of them at once."

  • Like 1
Posted

gf is prego

we like to get kinky anyways

one night things get particularly saucy

i'm sticking my noodle in her when I notice weird fucking chunks coming out, so I turn on the lights

wtf it's red everywhere and she's obviously not on her period

i look up at her, she's got a glassy, jarred look on her face and she's not answering

ohshitohshitohshitohshit

i rush her into my car and speed all the way to the hospital

she's still bleeding everywhere

by the time we get there, she's not bleeding much anymore, but all the color has drained and she looks colorless and almost transparent

oh shit, she looks like she's in a vegetative state

storm into to the emergency room, cary her to the nearest doctor and explain eveything

he takes one look at ther and says

"sir, i'm sorry, there's nothing we can do"

"WHY THE FUCK NOT???"

"we don't operate on empty jars of spaghetti sauce"


That’s fucking weird but I kinda like it. The first line is key.
Posted
A guy talks to the Doc in the hospital where his wife is in a coma.
 
"Doc ! Doc, what am I going to do?"
 
"Well, said the Doc, there is a radical treatment that I have heard good things about"
 
"What is it Doc I'm desperate?"
 
"Well you need to go in there and have oral sex with your wife until she wakes up"
 
"Really Doc?"
 
"Yes, I have heard good things!"
 
So, the guy says, "Ok Doc if you say so i'll give it a try" and in he goes.
 
Ten minutes he comes out in a panic and says "Doc ! Doc, I think she is choking"
  • 3 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...
Posted

Was just shooting the shit with this old guy who works at the admirals club at DFW.

He says “you fix 100 cars they call you a mechanic. You build 100 houses they call you a home builder.” Then he waited a beat and said “but you suck just one cock. . .”

  • Like 1
  • Haha 3
  • 1 month later...
  • 2 weeks later...
Posted
An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. The bouncer is a blonde girl. I'm a 6-foot-tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?' 

The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

  • Like 3
  • 2 weeks later...
  • 3 weeks later...
Posted

A cop pulled over a car with two catholic priests inside. The cop tells the driver “I’m looking for two pedophiles.” The driver turns to the other priest and they whisper back and forth. He turns back to the cop and says “Ok. We’ll do it.”

  • Haha 1
  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

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