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honolulu horn

By honolulu horn
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Armybrat
Armybrat

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered. “On a trip to the Black

Disco Strangler
Disco Strangler

Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild? Since he was a Chief in modern society, he had never been taught the old secre

ernest_t_bass
ernest_t_bass

What's the difference between 2 dicks and a joke? Bob Stoops can't take a joke.

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Longboard Horn

Longboard Horn 41350

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A worker and a foreman are sitting down having lunch when the worker says, "thank god payday is tomorrow, it's my anniversary." "Hey, what a coincidence," says the foreman, "my anniversary is tomorrow as well." The worker asks the foreman what he got his wife. The foreman says, "I got her a diamond necklace and a new car so in case she doesn't like one gift she has the other and vice versa. What did you get your wife?" the worker responds, "I got my wife a pair of shoes and a dildo." "That's odd," says the foreman. The worker says, "Yeah, well I figure if she doesn't like the shoes then she can go fuck herself."

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Modessit

Modessit 5666

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Two guys are heading to a bar when a hooker offers to do both of them for $50. So - they follow her to a cheap motel, hand over the $50 and each have their turn. Afterwards they are at the bar and one guy asks, "So how was it for you?" "Not bad," says the second guy, "but my wife is better." The first guy thinks about it for a minute and says, "Yeah, you're right. Your wife IS better."

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Armybrat

Armybrat 41391

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Christmas shopping story:

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile. The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up…"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."

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nnm

nnm 37898

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Supposedly the funniest joke in the world (https://www.ladbible.com/community/interesting-huge-scientific-study-reveals-funniest-joke-in-the-world-20201222). 

I did not LOL. 
 

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

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Armybrat

Armybrat 41391

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The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.

But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.

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Horn Under a Bad Sign

Horn Under a Bad Sign 20911

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This lady was driving through the country and saw a man making love to a sheep out behind a barn while yelling "Gig 'em!"  over and over again.  She drove into town and reported the incident to the police. At the trial, the judge said, “OK, lady. Exactly what did you see?”

The lady said, “Your honor, I saw a man making love to a sheep. You’re not going to believe this part. When they were through, the sheep curled up next to the guy, put its head on the guy’s shoulder and just went to sleep.”

A guy dressed in maroon and while who was on the jury leaned over to another juror and whispered, “Yeah, they’ll do that.”

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Horn Under a Bad Sign

Horn Under a Bad Sign 20911

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There were a bunch of policemen standing around a woman’s body out in the center of the fairway at the country club. A lone golfer was standing with his driver in his hand. The policeman asked what happened. “Well, officer,” the guy said, “I didn’t see her. I swear! I hit a shot right down the middle and it hit her in the head. I really did not see her.”

One officer said, “Well, sir, that explains the ball to the head. But what about the other we found in her rectum?”

The guy said, “Oh, yes. That was my mulligan.”

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Armybrat

Armybrat 41391

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An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes."

The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty."

With that, on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.

The man says, "I want two more of these." 

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Armybrat

Armybrat 41391

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Lucille decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.


She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.

She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."

"But I didn't use them."

'Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here."

"But I didn't go to any of those shows.."

"Well, we have them, and you could have."

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.

"But Madam, this check is for only $50.00"

"That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."

"But I didn't!"

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

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Armybrat

Armybrat 41391

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Bouxdreaux lived next to Thibodeaux. Boudreaux noticed Thibodeaux take off in his pirouge at safe light.

Thibodeaux came back with a bunch of ducks. Boudreaux asked how you get them? Thibodeaux said with my duck tape. 

Next day same thing, Thibodeaux came back with a bunch of nutrias, Boudreaux asked how did you catch them, Thibodeaux said with my nutrasweet.

Next day Boudreaux noticed Thibodeaux walking with something in his hand heading to his pirouge.

Boudreaux asked what do you have in your hand, Thibodeaux said pussywillow, Boudreaux said hold up let me grab my coat.

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Alex Karev

Alex Karev 1057

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Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, ‟That little gal is havin’ a bad time. I am a gonna go over there and help.” He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, ‟Kin ya swaller?” Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, ‟Kin ya breathe?” Still gasping, she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the pece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, ‟Ya know, it is sure amazin’ how that hind-lick manoeuvre always works.”

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Alex Karev

Alex Karev 1057

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A Texas State trooper pulled a car over about 2 miles south of Waco Texas.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a charity show. He didn’t want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn’t give him a ticket.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken boy got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper’s car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain’t no way I can pass that test.”

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High Plains Drifter

High Plains Drifter 11186

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gonna shorten this a bit, since I'm typing and I'm lazy:

 

Peter and the other disciples are hanging around at the foot of the hill where Jesus has just been crucified.

Jesus, up on the cross, kinda of comes to, lifts his head, looks around, and faintly, weakly, says "Peter..."

Peter jumps up and yells "I'm coming lord!" He tries to run up the hill, but the Roman guards won't let him pass. They slap him around and push him back down the hill.

Jesus again, looks around, and says more loudly "Peter!"

Peter jumps up and yells "I'm coming lord!" He charges the guards, fighting them, but they savagely beat him and again push him back down the hill.

Again, Jesus looks around and yells "Peter, come to me, I need to tell you something..."

Peter jumps up, charges the guards, fights his way past them, and finally, bloodied and bruised, makes it to the foot of the cross. "Yes lord, I'm here, what did you need to tell me?"

Jesus looks down at Peter and says "Peter, I can see your house from up here."

 

 

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nnm

nnm 37898

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On 3/6/2021 at 8:22 PM, High Plains Drifter said:

 

gonna shorten this a bit, since I'm typing and I'm lazy:

 

Peter and the other disciples are hanging around at the foot of the hill where Jesus has just been crucified.

Jesus, up on the cross, kinda of comes to, lifts his head, looks around, and faintly, weakly, says "Peter..."

Peter jumps up and yells "I'm coming lord!" He tries to run up the hill, but the Roman guards won't let him pass. They slap him around and push him back down the hill.

Jesus again, looks around, and says more loudly "Peter!"

Peter jumps up and yells "I'm coming lord!" He charges the guards, fighting them, but they savagely beat him and again push him back down the hill.

Again, Jesus looks around and yells "Peter, come to me, I need to tell you something..."

Peter jumps up, charges the guards, fights his way past them, and finally, bloodied and bruised, makes it to the foot of the cross. "Yes lord, I'm here, what did you need to tell me?"

Jesus looks down at Peter and says "Peter, I can see your house from up here."

 

 

Thanks for this. it is a spectacularly bad joke. One of the all-time worst. I love it. 

I used it on a ski vacation with my family this last week. Told it while sitting waiting for our dinner at a steak restaurant in a ski town. Everyone was exhausted, relaxed, in a good mood. This one got universal eye rolls, moans, and head shakes. But also copious incredulous laughter at how bad it was. 

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