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honolulu horn

By honolulu horn
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Armybrat
Armybrat

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered. “On a trip to the Black

Disco Strangler
Disco Strangler

Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild? Since he was a Chief in modern society, he had never been taught the old secre

ernest_t_bass
ernest_t_bass

What's the difference between 2 dicks and a joke? Bob Stoops can't take a joke.

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Poolflood

Poolflood 845

Posted
Posted

3 nuns die and go to heaven

St. Peter tells them, "I am going to ask each one of you a question. If you get it right, I will let you in."

He asks the first one, "Who built the ark?"

"Easy, that was Noah." She replies.

Peter tells her that is correct and lets her in.

Peter asks the second one, "Who parted the Red Sea?"

"Easy!" She replied. "Moses!"

"You're correct!" Said Peter, and he let her in.

Peter asks the third one, "What were Eve's first words to Adam?"

She thinks for a moment, then replies, "Man...That's a hard one!"

"You're right!" Says Peter...And he lets her in.

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Armybrat

Armybrat 41388

Posted
Posted

Several years after WWII ended an English middle school invited Royal Air Force ace war hero Group Captain Sir Douglas Bader to speak to the students about how in spite of losing both legs in a crash 10 years before the war and even with rudimentary prosthetic legs of that time was able to fly his Spitfire fighter during the Battle of Britain and shoot down 22 German Luftwaffe fighters……. 

He said well it got pretty hairy and at one point I had two Fokkers on my left and one Fokker on my right trying to get me but I shot one down but then saw two more Fokkers coming up behind me for the kill shot……

.At that point the teacher stopped him saying Captain Bader even though this is a most interesting story I must ask you not to use profanity in front of the students……….

Captain Bader said I’m sorry you thought that but you see a Fokker is a type of Luftwaffe fighter plane but to be perfectly honest and true with this story the Fokkers were actually flying Messerschmitt 109’s

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Armybrat

Armybrat 41388

Posted
Posted

Cross posted from Getting Old Sucks thread....

Senior Wedding 
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The Works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.

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TrashMaster G

TrashMaster G 18073

Posted
Posted
17 hours ago, Armybrat said:

Cross posted from Getting Old Sucks thread....

Senior Wedding 
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The Works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.

So, with all those problems Jacob has no trouble getting it up?

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Armybrat

Armybrat 41388

Posted
Posted

A rather elderly gentleman (mid-eighties) walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is very well-dressed, smelling slightly of an expensive after-shave, hair well-groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel. He presents a suave, well-looked-after image.

Seated at the bar is an elderly fine-looking lady (mid-seventies).
The gentleman walks over, sits along-side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, good looking, do I come here often?"

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TrashMaster G

TrashMaster G 18073

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, Armybrat said:

A rather elderly gentleman (mid-eighties) walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is very well-dressed, smelling slightly of an expensive after-shave, hair well-groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel. He presents a suave, well-looked-after image.

Seated at the bar is an elderly fine-looking lady (mid-seventies).
The gentleman walks over, sits along-side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, good looking, do I come here often?"

This was you last Friday, right?

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Armybrat

Armybrat 41388

Posted
Posted

Default

Four old Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence.

The four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, I have a daughter, SLIM & TALL:
 
  • 40" D Breasts
  • 24" WAIST and
  • 34" HIP

When she walks into a room, people say,
"JESUS"
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Armybrat

Armybrat 41388

Posted
Posted

One eared Admiral:

Years ago, a young Navy Pilot was injured while ejecting from his A-4
Skyhawk due to engine failure during a catapult shot from the carrier, but due
to the heroics of rescue helicopter crew and the ship's hospital staff, the
only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn't physically
impaired, he remained on flight status and eventually became an Admiral.
However, during his career he was always sensitive about his
appearance.

One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a
Marine Sergeant Major 
for his personal staff. The first Master Chief was a
Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the
interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about
me?" The Master Chief answered, "Why, yes, Admiral. I couldn't help but
notice that you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether
this impacts your hearing on that side."

The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his
office.

The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same
question, answered, "Well yes, Sir, you seem to be short one ear." The
Admiral threw him out as well.

The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major He was
articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two
Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead
with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said, "Yes Sir. You wear contact lenses."

The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly
tactful Marine. "And just how would you know that?" the Admiral asked.

The Sergeant Major replied: "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one f******' ear.”

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Bogeywon

Bogeywon 2548

Posted
Posted
On 7/4/2022 at 11:18 AM, MirrOlure said:

Q: What state do most Pirates retire to?
A: Arrrrrrrrkansas.

Q: What type of movies do Pirates go to?
A: Rated Rrrrrrrrrrr movies.

Q: What branch of the military do most Pirates join?
A: The Arrrrrrrrmy…….*




*Joketeller: No, dumbass. The Navy.

What’s a pirates favorite letter??

RRRRRRRRR??

 

no the CCCCCCC

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Guadaloopy

Guadaloopy 11129

Posted
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A turkey buzzard walks up to the departure gate for his flight and presents his boarding pass.  

Gate agent: I’m sorry, Sir, but I can’t let you on the flight.

Buzzard: Why not? 

Gate agent: You have two dead armadillos and a dead skunk.

Buzzard: Are you worried about the smell?

Gate Agent:  Not at all, sir, but our policy limits each passenger to two pieces of carrion.  
 

 

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Armybrat

Armybrat 41388

Posted
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A man went to the doctor’s office to get a double dose of Viagra.
The doctor told him that he couldn’t allow him a double dose.
“Why not?” asked the man.
“Because it’s not safe,” replied the doctor.
“But I need it really bad,” said the man.
“Well, why do you need it so badly?” asked the doctor.
The man said, “My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can’t you see? I must have a double dose.”
The doctor finally relented saying, “Okay, I’ll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.”

On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, “What happened to you?”
The man said, “No one showed up.”

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