Lame joke thread

[Armybrat 40544]

Lesson for a young man.

 

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me—it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.

She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law to be hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

[tfoolry 8160]

 

 

[nnm 35627]

 

 

[Armybrat 40544]

(My English friend sent this one)

3 Dogs are at the vets and whilst they wait they share their fears over why they are there.

 

Dog one admits he is a chewer, "I chew everything he says" The other two nod their heads and say "it's the chop for you boy!" an he howls in fear!

 

Dog two admits he is a pisser, " I piss on everything he says" " The other two nod their heads and say "it's the chop for you boy!" an he howls in fear!

 

Number three admits that he is a humper, "I hump everything he says, hell when my mistress gets out of the shower, I tear her towel off and hump her!"

 

" The other two nod their heads and say "it's the chop for you boy!" 

"Hell no!" Says dog number three, "I'm in here to get my nails trimmed!"

[tfoolry 8160]

 

 

[brakeman 28088]

My wife is in a coma, the doctor asks me to try something very controversial. What is it, doc?  The doctor tells me to give her oral sex to try to wake her up from her coma.

I go into her ICU room and pull the curtain. 30 minutes later, I find the doctor, and he says did it work? Nope, but I think I am chocking her.

[brakeman 28088]

A skeleton walks into a bar, the bartender says, what can I get for you?

I will have a beer and a mop.

Edited October 21, 2022 by brakeman

[brakeman 28088]

Five ants move into a condo with five other ants. Now, we have tenants.

[honolulu horn 6144]

6 hours ago, brakeman said:

My wife is in a coma, the doctor asks me to try something very controversial. What is it, doc?  The doctor tells me to give her oral sex to try to wake her up from her coma.

I go into her ICU room and pull the curtain. 30 minutes later, I find the doctor, and he says did it work? Nope, but I think I am chocking her.

[BigDHornfan 6511]

Bert: Hey, Ernie?
Ernie: Yes, Bert?
Bert: Can you pass me that ice cream?
Ernie: Sherbert.

[Longboard Horn 39890]

8 hours ago, BigDHornfan said:

Bert: Hey, Ernie?
Ernie: Yes, Bert?
Bert: Can you pass me that ice cream?
Ernie: Sherbert.

[Armybrat 40544]

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people! Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts yelling, "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little sh!t on your lap!"

[MirrOlure 14464]

So this actually happened at Aba in Austin for anniversary dinner….

Wife talking over the menu with the server. She recommends the lamb appetizer. Wife says thanks but we’re getting the lamb shareable main course.

Server says yeah….two lamb dishes would be crazy.

I said….you might even say baaaaahhhtshit crazy?

She laughed my wife rolled her eyes

[nnm 35627]

For you math nerds. 

[Longboard Horn 39890]

Mr. and Mrs. Cleaver are having breakfast.

June: Ward, I think you were a little hard on the beaver last night...

Ward: *looks up from his paper* Beaver is at summer camp, oh......  

[tfoolry 8160]

 

[brakeman 28088]

[Longboard Horn 39890]

Why do women have boobs?

So you got something to look at while you're talking to them. 

[GhostOfTomJoad 9251]

Why do women rub their eyes when they first wake up every morning?

Because they don't have a pair of balls to scratch.

[nnm 35627]

 

[nnm 35627]

I just received an email teaching me how to read maps backwards.

It was spam.

[Armybrat 40544]

A Brit friend sent me another one…

A group of men lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One transferred to another city. From then on their games weren’t the same without him.

A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the three blokes talking about the situation. She said, “You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?”

The blokes looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say, ‘Yes’, but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early, at 6:30a.m. He figured the early tee-off time would discourage her. The woman replied that it could present a problem and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said that would be okay. She smiled and said, “Good, I’ll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45.”

She showed up at 6:30 sharp and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. They were impressed and congratulated her. She was fun and a pleasant person, so back at the clubhouse they invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, “I’ll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45.”

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp but this time she played left-handed. They were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand

They couldn’t figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn’t seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harboured a burning desire to beat her. The third week, the blokes had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady played right-handed, yet narrowly beat all three of them.

The men mused that her late arrival was attributable to petty gamesmanship on her part, however, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn’t hold a grudge

Back in the clubhouse, all blokes were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no-one could figure out. They had a couple of beers. Finally one of the men asked her point blank, “How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?”

The lady blushed and grinned. “That’s easy,” she said, “When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.”

The men thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of them shot back, “But what if it’s pointing straight up?”

She said, “That’s when I’ll be fifteen minutes late.”

[nnm 35627]

15 minutes ago, Armybrat said:

A Brit friend sent me another one…

A group of men lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One transferred to another city. From then on their games weren’t the same without him.

A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the three blokes talking about the situation. She said, “You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?”

The blokes looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say, ‘Yes’, but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early, at 6:30a.m. He figured the early tee-off time would discourage her. The woman replied that it could present a problem and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said that would be okay. She smiled and said, “Good, I’ll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45.”

She showed up at 6:30 sharp and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. They were impressed and congratulated her. She was fun and a pleasant person, so back at the clubhouse they invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, “I’ll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45.”

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp but this time she played left-handed. They were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand

They couldn’t figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn’t seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harboured a burning desire to beat her. The third week, the blokes had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady played right-handed, yet narrowly beat all three of them.

The men mused that her late arrival was attributable to petty gamesmanship on her part, however, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn’t hold a grudge

Back in the clubhouse, all blokes were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no-one could figure out. They had a couple of beers. Finally one of the men asked her point blank, “How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?”

The lady blushed and grinned. “That’s easy,” she said, “When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.”

The men thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of them shot back, “But what if it’s pointing straight up?”

She said, “That’s when I’ll be fifteen minutes late.”

15 minutes?!?

[Armybrat 40544]

Brits can be a bit slow.

[Armybrat 40544]

3 ladies are playing the 4th hole at a members only Golf club, when a naked man wearing a bag over his head. jumps from the trees and runs across the green.
the 3 ladies look and are in shock at the size of his manhood!
the 1st lady says "well he defintely is not my huband"
the 2nd lady looks closely at his manhood and says "he for sure is not my husband"
the 3rd takes a good look and says "he is not even a member of our club"

[Longboard Horn 39890]

What did 50 cent do when he got hungry?

58

 

….I’ll show myself out now….

[Armybrat 40544]

7 minutes ago, Longboard Horn said:

What did 50 cent do when he got hungry?

58

 

….I’ll show myself out now….

Please do.

😂😂

[nnm 35627]

Why couldn’t Mary and Joseph join their work conference call?

Because there was no Zoom at the inn.

[Armybrat 40544]

The Perfect Man

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. 

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman...he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. And he could fix anything. Not like me-I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measures up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: " An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well...I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his wife."

[deadshank 24644]

I had no idea that Paul Walker had dandruff.  
 

Until I saw his head and shoulders in the glove box of his car. 

Edited December 13, 2022 by deadshank

[MirrOlure 14464]

Same pirate walked into the same bar the next day with a ship’s wheel hanging off his belt just below his waist.

Bartender says “Hey! You’ve got a ship’s wheel hanging off your belt!”

Pirate says “Arrrr….I know….it’s drivin’ me nuts!”

[nnm 35627]

Knock knock. 
Who's there? 
Hannah. 
Hannah who? 

Hannah partridge in a pear tree.

[Longboard Horn 39890]

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?

He felt his presents 

[Lone Star Horn 2007]

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?"

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".

[Longboard Horn 39890]

I was interested in becoming a circus performer so my parents sent me to a circus clinic to learn everything. I learned how to juggle, walk the tight rope, the trapeze routines and how to eat fire. 

One day I told them I wanted to learn a dangerous trick: sword swallowing. My mother said there was no way that I was going to be a sword swallower. I told my dad and he said, "I'm not surprised son. Your mom hasn't been into sword swallowing since we got engaged."

[nnm 35627]

 

 

[Armybrat 40544]

Eight year old Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.
"What's your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike”.
Mohammad returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”.
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat him severely. Then she called his father, who beat the stuffing out of him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.
"What happened to you, Mike?" she asked.
"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two Muslims."

[Alex Karev 1028]

[Alex Karev 1028]

[Armybrat 40544]

The Pope and the Rabbi

---

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.


The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day the Pope and Rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

'I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. 'He bested me at every move and I could not continue.'

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he'd won.

'I haven't a clue' the Rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.

'Then he told me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.'

'And then what?' asked a woman.

'Who knows?' said the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine.'

[beer 3197]

On 12/24/2021 at 8:52 AM, Longboard Horn said:

Santa goes to the proctologist and says, "doctor I think I've got a mince pie stuck up my ass." The doctor says, "Okay Mr. Claus, bend over and I'll take a look. Oh my! You do indeed have a mince pie stuck up your ass, but you're in luck cuz I've got some cream for it."

We need a reaction option for serial killer

[Modessit 5582]

I was interested in becoming a circus performer so my parents sent me to a circus clinic to learn everything. I learned how to juggle, walk the tight rope, the trapeze routines and how to eat fire. 
One day I told them I wanted to learn a dangerous trick: sword swallowing. My mother said there was no way that I was going to be a sword swallower. I told my dad and he said, "I'm not surprised son. Your mom hasn't been into sword swallowing since we got engaged."

Tommy is at the zoo with his parents and they eventually get to the elephant exhibit.

"Mom?" Tommy asks. "What's that thing hanging down on the elephant?"

Mom replies, "That's the elephant's trunk."

Tommy: "No, that thing hanging down in the back."

Mom: "That's the elephant's tail."

Tommy: "No, that big, long thing hanging down underneath right in front of his back legs."

Mom: "Oh, uh, that...that's nothing."

Tommy isn't satisfied with her answer so he goes over to ask his dad.

Tommy: "Dad, what's that thing hanging down on the elephant?"

Dad: "That's the elephant's trunk."

Tommy: "No, that thing hanging down in the back."

Dad: "That's the elephant's tail."

Tommy: "No, that big, long thing hanging down underneath right in front of his back legs."

Dad: "Oh, that? That's the elephant's penis."

Tommy looked confused. "When I asked Mom she said it was nothing."

Dad broke into a grin and said, "Well, son, I've spoiled that woman..."

[BearSchlong 8003]

The Pope and the Rabbi

---

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.


The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day the Pope and Rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

'I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. 'He bested me at every move and I could not continue.'

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he'd won.

'I haven't a clue' the Rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.

'Then he told me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.'

'And then what?' asked a woman.

'Who knows?' said the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine.'

I'm going to teach my Jewish nieces who attend Catholic school that one.

[Armybrat 40544]

The Winery

---

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to
apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said, 
"It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable." "That's... that's correct.", said the boss,
astonished. Another glass... "This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more
years for the finest results." "Correct!" A third glass... "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive, the drunk said calmly. The director was blown away, but in case this was some sort of hoax, he wanted to put the man to a real test. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. 
She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blond, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I’ll name the father.

[HiggyBaby 2495]

What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets?
A woman.

[brakeman 28088]

Why is Louisiana shaped like a boot? Have you ever tried to put that much shit in a loafer?

[WhatTheBuck 28613]

Woman walks into a supermarket and buys:

bar of soap 
toothbrush
tube of toothpaste 
loaf of bread 
pint of milk 
single serving cereal 
single serving frozen dinner

The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, "Single, are you?"

The woman answers sarcastically, "How did you guess?"

He replies, "Because you're ugly."

[brakeman 28088]

[Armybrat 40544]

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. 
He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' 
She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, 
and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. 
You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. 
Yes, I know you.
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. 
He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. 
Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. 
Yes, I know him.'
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

[nnm 35627]