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honolulu horn

By honolulu horn
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Armybrat
Armybrat

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered. “On a trip to the Black

Disco Strangler
Disco Strangler

Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild? Since he was a Chief in modern society, he had never been taught the old secre

ernest_t_bass
ernest_t_bass

What's the difference between 2 dicks and a joke? Bob Stoops can't take a joke.

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royiv

royiv 9,775

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Posted
37 minutes ago, Lone Star Horn said:

Yoda had a last name.

It was Layheehoo

Were you drunk on Saturday night when you posted this same joke?

 

On 2/25/2023 at 10:50 PM, Lone Star Horn said:

Did any Star Wars fans out there know Yoda has a last name?

It's Layheehoo

 

 

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Armybrat

Armybrat 41,388

Posted
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The Piano Player 

There was a ragged, old, retired Battleship Gunners Mate Senior Chief 
who shuffled into a waterfront bar.

Stinking of whisky and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the 
"Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the 
bartender. "I'd like to apply for the job," he said.

The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old Squid, but 
it had been quite awhile since he had a piano player and business was 
falling off. So, the barkeep decided to give him a try.

The old Senior Chief staggered his way over to the piano while several 
patrons snickered. But, by the time he was into the third bar of 
music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of sound 
and music, unlike anyone had heard in the bar before. When he finished 
there wasn't a dry eye in the place.

The bartender took the old Senior Chief a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played. "It's called, 'Drop Your Skivvies, Baby!, We're Gonna Rock Tonight'," said the old Senior Chief after he took a long pull from the beer.

The bartender and the crowd winced, but the piano player went on with a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the Senior Chief acknowledged the applause and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Anchor Chain Run Out." He then excused himself as he lurched off to the head.
When the guy came out of the head, the bartender went over to him and said, "Look Senior Chief, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"
"Know it?" the old Senior Chief replied, "Hell, I wrote it."

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Armybrat

Armybrat 41,388

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Probably a repost, but I can’t remember shit anyway……

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.
"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
“It hasn't affected my brothers though." 

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nnm

nnm 37,896

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1 hour ago, Rimbo said:

This is the lame joke thread, right?

I got one.

"Shaka Smart."

 

I’ve done pretty well in NCAA pools the last couple of years unemotionally filling out the bracket using Vegas odds and KenPom rankings. But every once in a while you need to use your head and forget the analytics. 
In this case, I had Marquette going to the Final 4. Despite the fact that he had Tom Izzo, one of the all time great tourney coaches, in his way. Should’ve been a no-brainer to pick Izzo over Shaka. Shame on me. 

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Armybrat

Armybrat 41,388

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An old lady headed to the bank to make a withdrawal.
She handed her bank card to a bank cashier and said,
"I would like to withdraw $10."
The cashier told her,
"For withdrawals less than $100 please use the ATM."
The old lady wanted to know why …
The cashier returned her bank card and irritably told her,
"These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a line of customers behind you."
The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the cashier and said,
"Please help me withdraw all the money I have."
The cashier was astonished when she checked the account balance.
She nodded her head, leaned down and told her,
"You have $500,000 in your account and the bank doesn't have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come back tomorrow?"
The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately.
The cashier told her any amount up to $3,000.
"Well, please let me have $3,000 now", the old lady said.
The cashier then angrily went back to the vault retrieved stacks of $20's and $10's and spent the next ten minutes counting out $3,000.
"Is there anything else I can do for you today?",
the teller asked sternly.
The old lady put $10 in her purse and said
"Yes, I'd like to deposit $2,990 into my account."
The moral of this tale …
Don't be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skills
 

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gofuckyourself

gofuckyourself 9,077

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Posted
1 hour ago, Armybrat said:

An old lady headed to the bank to make a withdrawal.
She handed her bank card to a bank cashier and said,
"I would like to withdraw $10."
The cashier told her,
"For withdrawals less than $100 please use the ATM."
The old lady wanted to know why …
The cashier returned her bank card and irritably told her,
"These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a line of customers behind you."
The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the cashier and said,
"Please help me withdraw all the money I have."
The cashier was astonished when she checked the account balance.
She nodded her head, leaned down and told her,
"You have $500,000 in your account and the bank doesn't have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come back tomorrow?"
The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately.
The cashier told her any amount up to $3,000.
"Well, please let me have $3,000 now", the old lady said.
The cashier then angrily went back to the vault retrieved stacks of $20's and $10's and spent the next ten minutes counting out $3,000.
"Is there anything else I can do for you today?",
the teller asked sternly.
The old lady put $10 in her purse and said
"Yes, I'd like to deposit $2,990 into my account."
The moral of this tale …
Don't be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skills
 

I thought the moral was learn to use the bank's app so you never get stuck behind an old person in a bank.

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TrashMaster G

TrashMaster G 18,073

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, Armybrat said:

An old lady headed to the bank to make a withdrawal.
She handed her bank card to a bank cashier and said,
"I would like to withdraw $10."
The cashier told her,
"For withdrawals less than $100 please use the ATM."
The old lady wanted to know why …
The cashier returned her bank card and irritably told her,
"These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a line of customers behind you."
The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the cashier and said,
"Please help me withdraw all the money I have."
The cashier was astonished when she checked the account balance.
She nodded her head, leaned down and told her,
"You have $500,000 in your account and the bank doesn't have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come back tomorrow?"
The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately.
The cashier told her any amount up to $3,000.
"Well, please let me have $3,000 now", the old lady said.
The cashier then angrily went back to the vault retrieved stacks of $20's and $10's and spent the next ten minutes counting out $3,000.
"Is there anything else I can do for you today?",
the teller asked sternly.
The old lady put $10 in her purse and said
"Yes, I'd like to deposit $2,990 into my account."
The moral of this tale …
Don't be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skills
 

I don't remember the last time I saw an ATM that gave out $10 bills.

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BearSchlong

BearSchlong 8,238

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Took me a minute also. He's saying he banged the other person's mom, and apparently already knows he knocked her up and the resulting child will be a girl. 

He had a mother daughter threesome.

Or he and his son banged a mother daughter combo.

Reminds me of the old joke about the girl who bangs the guy and after he’s done she asks “what will we name our child?” And he pulls off the rubber, ties the top in a knot, and replies “if he can get out of that, we will name him Houdini”
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deadshank

deadshank 24,654

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Kid walks into his parents’ bedroom to talk to his dad and sees his mom’s dildo on the floor beside the bed. 
 

Dad realizes what Junior is looking at and quickly kicks the dildo under the bed. 

Junior quizzes dad “what was that?”

Dad unconvincingly replies “uh….a mouse!”

Junior blurts out “well, he’s got a big dick!” 

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