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honolulu horn

By honolulu horn
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Armybrat
Armybrat

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered. “On a trip to the Black

Disco Strangler
Disco Strangler

Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild? Since he was a Chief in modern society, he had never been taught the old secre

ernest_t_bass
ernest_t_bass

What's the difference between 2 dicks and a joke? Bob Stoops can't take a joke.

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Armybrat

Armybrat 41317

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I hadn't seen my best buddy for a while and decided to call at his house to see how he was doing. He invited me in and I asked how things were

“Not good to be honest,” he told me. “My wife went out, supposedly to get some milk, and then sent me a text saying she's left me and isn't coming back”.

I was devastated for him and tried to sympathise… “ How are you coping?, I asked.

He shrugged his shoulders and said “Well, ok I suppose… I've been using that powdered stuff.”

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Armybrat

Armybrat 41317

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Chris and Doug, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Doug didn't show up. Chris didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Doug hadn't shown up for a week or so, Chris really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Chris didn't know where Doug lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Chris figured he had seen the last of Doug, but one day, Chris approached the park and – lo and behold!--there sat Doug! Chris was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Doug, what in the world happened to you?'

Doug replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Chris. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Doug said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Chris, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

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Armybrat

Armybrat 41317

Posted
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The Rod & Reel

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all-around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.”
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!”

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please.”

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00?

How did you get $34.50?”
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50.

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Longboard Horn

Longboard Horn 41316

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On 1/25/2024 at 12:29 AM, Superhero said:

What’s the difference between a slice of pizza and a dead baby?

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You can’t feed a family with a slice of pizza. 

 

What's a dead baby in a microwave look like?

Spoiler

I don't know. I close my eyes when I masturbate.

 

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nnm

nnm 37737

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A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl game. They had great seats, right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked it. 

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "Especially the colorful uniforms and all the big muscles, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarter back!...
Get the quarter back!' I'm like hello, it's only .25 cents!”

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Armybrat

Armybrat 41317

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An old farmer had three beautiful young daughters just starting to date so every Saturday night he would open the front door with a double barrel 12 gauge in hand so the boys would understand he was all business when it came to his daughters….

Saturday night came and there was a knock at the door and when he opened it there was a nice looking young man who said, Hello my name is Joe, I’m here to pick up Flo, we’re going to a show so I hope she’s ready to go…..The farmer figured the boy was clever and ok so he told them to have a good time……A short time later there was a knock and it was another boy who said, hello my name is Eddie and I’m here for Betty, we are going out for some spaghetti so I hope she’s ready……Again the farmer thought the kid was ok and told them to have fun….

Soon there was another knock at the door, the farmer opened it and the fellow said, Hello my name is Chuck and the farmer shot him dead……..

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Richard Kimball

Richard Kimball 1517

Posted
Posted
On 3/6/2024 at 7:29 AM, Armybrat said:

An old farmer had three beautiful young daughters just starting to date so every Saturday night he would open the front door with a double barrel 12 gauge in hand so the boys would understand he was all business when it came to his daughters….

Saturday night came and there was a knock at the door and when he opened it there was a nice looking young man who said, Hello my name is Joe, I’m here to pick up Flo, we’re going to a show so I hope she’s ready to go…..The farmer figured the boy was clever and ok so he told them to have a good time……A short time later there was a knock and it was another boy who said, hello my name is Eddie and I’m here for Betty, we are going out for some spaghetti so I hope she’s ready……Again the farmer thought the kid was ok and told them to have fun….

Soon there was another knock at the door, the farmer opened it and the fellow said, Hello my name is Chuck and the farmer shot him dead……..

Formerly, he was named Sneed. 

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Armybrat

Armybrat 41317

Posted
Posted

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."

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