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Lame joke thread

honolulu horn

By honolulu horn
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Homesickhorn

Homesickhorn 2217

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Posted

From Homesickhorn Sr:

A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.

Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,

"It looks like you have seen a lot of action"

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the
wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?

"1955, ma'am"

"Well, there you are No wonder you're so serious. You really need
to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led
him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and

said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."



The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not;
it's only 2130 now."

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Posted
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6 hours ago, Homesickhorn said:

From Homesickhorn Sr:

A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.

Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,

"It looks like you have seen a lot of action"

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the
wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?

"1955, ma'am"

"Well, there you are No wonder you're so serious. You really need
to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led
him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and

said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."



The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not;
it's only 2130 now."

Best in Sam Elliott voice from "We Were Soldiers".

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AM Wood

AM Wood 335

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31 minutes ago, El Diablo said:

Seems like it could work better as a joke if the "1955" could be saved to the last to set up the punch line. I knew as soon as I saw it where the joke was going. Still a a good one, just needs tweaking in my mind.

maybe that's what makes the joke lame.

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El Diablo

El Diablo 4232

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1 hour ago, AM Wood said:

maybe that's what makes the joke lame.

Touche.

Thinking on it further I believe as a joke it would work better without the Sarge boning the chick. Just have him say "1955", have her reply "Oh my God, how have you managed so long without sex?" and then have him deliver the punchline.

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Hornius Emeritus

Hornius Emeritus 12780

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"A guy named Joe Smith, from Muleshoe, Texas, claimed to know everybody, and a big Texas oilman challenged him when Joe says he knows the governor of Texas. The bet is on, and the oilman flies with Joe to Austin and the governor’s office. Joe tells the secretary he would like to have a word with the governor, and in a moment the governor rushes out and embraces Joe and pats him effusively on the back, and they jaw a little and Joe proves his point.

The oilman says, 'Well, I bet you don’t know the President of the United States' and Joe claims he does, so another bet is made. They fly to Washington, and when the word is passed to the President, he comes out and Joe greets him by his first name, and the President responds, indeed, as if Joe is an old personal friend.

The oilman is frustrated and says he is sure Joe does not know the Pope, but, of course, Joe says he does indeed know the Pope, calling him by his first name. So off they fly, in the oilman’s plane, to Rome and the Vatican. When they arrive, there is a huge crowd in the square before the Pope’s palace. Joe instructs the oilman to wait there while he goes to see his old pal. Pretty soon, the Pope comes out on the balcony, waving to the crowd, and there beside him is Joe, with his arm around the Pope. Suspicious, the oilman stops a street sweeper in the crowd and asks him if the man dressed in white is really the Pope.

"'I don’t know,' comes the reply, 'but the guy with him is Joe Smith from Muleshoe, Texas.'

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Longboard Horn

Longboard Horn 41319

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Posted

Kid sees his dad browsing the internet and asks what he’s doing.

Dad: I’m on eBay bidding for some baseball cards for your brother’s collection.

Kid:  Do you mean the collection you gave him from your childhood? 

Dad: Yeah, that’s the one.

Kid: Dad, you never gave me anything that you had as a kid.

Dad: Well you’re allergic to shellfish right?

Kid: Yes....

Dad: You’re welcome! 

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Hate

Hate 20232

Posted
Posted

A man walks into his house to find his wife rubbing some cream all over her tits. 

Man: What in the world are you doing rubbing that cream on your tits?

Wife:  The doctor gave me this cream and said if I rub it on my tits, they will get bigger.

Man: Well, why don't you rub them with toilet paper?

Wife:  Why should I use toilet paper?

Man: Well, you've been rubbing it on your ass all these years and look how big it's gotten. 

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Spartan52

Spartan52 151

Posted
Posted

A snail goes in to a car dealership.

Salesman asks, “What can I do for you, sir?”

Snail replies, “I want your fastest sports car with a custom paint job.”

“Well, I’m sure we can make that happen for you. What kind of paint job are you looking for?”

“I want fire engine red, with iridescent S’s painted all around. One on each door, the roof, the rear bumper, and a great big S on the hood.”

“I like your style”, says the salesman. So, he has the showroom floor car taken to the paint shop for the unique paint job.

When the car is finished, the snail slides behind the wheel, hammers down on the gas pedal, and tears off in a cloud of burnt rubber.

Paint shop guy asks, “what the hell was that all about?”

Salesman replies, “Dunno... but look at that S car go!”

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Ogie Ogilthorpe

Ogie Ogilthorpe 640

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Posted
6 hours ago, Spartan52 said:

A snail goes in to a car dealership.

Salesman asks, “What can I do for you, sir?”

Snail replies, “I want your fastest sports car with a custom paint job.”

“Well, I’m sure we can make that happen for you. What kind of paint job are you looking for?”

“I want fire engine red, with iridescent S’s painted all around. One on each door, the roof, the rear bumper, and a great big S on the hood.”

“I like your style”, says the salesman. So, he has the showroom floor car taken to the paint shop for the unique paint job.

When the car is finished, the snail slides behind the wheel, hammers down on the gas pedal, and tears off in a cloud of burnt rubber.

Paint shop guy asks, “what the hell was that all about?”

Salesman replies, “Dunno... but look at that S car go!”

hqdefault.jpg

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Spartan52

Spartan52 151

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Posted

Vic was in a bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking.

 

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so he approached and asked, "Hello, ladies are you 3 Beauties from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales , you bloody idiot, Wales!"

 

So Vic apologised and said, "I am so sorry.  Are you three whales from Scotland?"

 

........and that's when the trouble started....

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General Specific

General Specific 3484

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Posted

A husband a wife are headed to a party. The husband is waiting down stairs by the door for her ready to leave.

Finally, she comes down the stairs buck naked except with this wedge of lemon in her privates. He says “what the hell are you doing”. She responds, “it’s a costume party, and I going as a sour puss”.

He runs back up stairs and returns moments later buck naked with a potato on his Johnson. She says “what the hell is that?”

He responds, “if your going as a sour puss, I’m going as a Dictator”

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Longboard Horn

Longboard Horn 41319

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On 5/22/2019 at 8:34 PM, Spartan52 said:

Vic was in a bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking.

 

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so he approached and asked, "Hello, ladies are you 3 Beauties from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales , you bloody idiot, Wales!"

 

So Vic apologised and said, "I am so sorry.  Are you three whales from Scotland?"

 

........and that's when the trouble started....

Dying! pos rep when I can give it again

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WhatTheBuck

WhatTheBuck 28904

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Posted
On May 17, 2019 at 12:39 AM, Spartan52 said:

A snail goes in to a car dealership.

Salesman asks, “What can I do for you, sir?”

Snail replies, “I want your fastest sports car with a custom paint job.”

“Well, I’m sure we can make that happen for you. What kind of paint job are you looking for?”

“I want fire engine red, with iridescent S’s painted all around. One on each door, the roof, the rear bumper, and a great big S on the hood.”

“I like your style”, says the salesman. So, he has the showroom floor car taken to the paint shop for the unique paint job.

When the car is finished, the snail slides behind the wheel, hammers down on the gas pedal, and tears off in a cloud of burnt rubber.

Paint shop guy asks, “what the hell was that all about?”

Salesman replies, “Dunno... but look at that S car go!”

A guy hears a tiny knock on the door. He opens the door and looks around but doesn't see anyone. He looks down to see a snail. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. 

A couple years later the same guy hears a tiny knock on the door. He opens the door and looks around but doesn't see anyone. He looks down to see a snail.

The snail says, "What the fuck was that about?"

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chikin23

chikin23 384

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Posted

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss." The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.

Whack! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"


"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

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Armybrat

Armybrat 41320

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Posted

Why seniors never change their password

WINDOWS:
Please enter your new password.

USER:
Cabbage

WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER:
Boiled cabbage

WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER:
1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces

USER:
50damnboiledcabbages

WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER:
50DAMNboiledcabbages

WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER:
50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveM eAccessNow!

WINDOWS:
Sorry,the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER:
ReallyPissedOff50DanmBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAss IfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS:
Sorry, that password is already in use

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