Lame joke thread

[Longboard Horn 40199]

Sometimes I wonder, “why is that frisbee getting bigger?” Then it hits me.

[Modessit 5597]

I was going to stay up and see what happens after the sun goes down but I think I'm going to bed. 'Night.

[retsevlys 408]

How do you figure out the sex of ants?

 

Put them in water.  If it sinks, it's a girl ant.  If it floats, it's boy ant.

[deadshank 24651]

 After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the Marine Corps fighter pilot finally regained consciousness. He was in a hospital, in a lot of pain.

He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him, looking worried. It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation.

The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes. Knowing he was not only a fighter pilot, but a Marine, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word: 

"You may not feel anything from the waist down."

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, 

"Can I feel your tits, then?"

[Lone Star Horn 2013]

I bought a U2 GPS and it's garbage.

 

The streets have no name, and I still haven't found what I was looking for.

[Modessit 5597]

I'll be glad when I don't have to wear glasses or contacts next year.

[MrPhlegm 3413]

A youngster was reading a book about Robin Hood and asked the teacher - "what's a leather?"
The teacher was perplexed and asked the student to use the word in a sentence.
The child said "the book says that 'Robin Hood tore his leather jerkin off.'"

[Armybrat 40763]

I shall not fap to that.

[Spartan52 151]

Saw a beautiful Thai woman on the train today.

 

Kept thinking to myself, don't get an erection, don't get an erection, don't get an erection......

 

But she did!

[Spartan52 151]

I asked my boss, "What do you want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?"

 

He said, "Just pop it in the corner".

 

Four Fucking hours it took me!!

[Walden Ponderer 12639]

So, I was buying new queens for my bee hives, and I ordered 12 of them. If you've never worked with bees before, they come in these little matchbox sized cages, with a sugar capped plug at one end, so that by the time the worker bees eat through it (originally with the purpose of killing her, because she's not "their" queen) she has been able to douse them with enough pheromones that they become her servants.

 

The guy hands me a carton with thirteen of these queen cages in it.

I say, "Hey, I only ordered 12." He says, "That other one is a free bee."

[BearSchlong 8079]

I'm not sure if I'm supposed to laugh or say "today I learned. . ."

[Walden Ponderer 12639]

1 minute ago, BearSchlong said:

I'm not sure if I'm supposed to laugh or say "today I learned. . ."

If you learned something, you're doing Surly wrong.

[WhatTheBuck 28730]

4 hours ago, Walden Ponderer said:

So, I was buying new queens for my bee hives, and I ordered 12 of them. If you've never worked with bees before, they come in these little matchbox sized cages, with a sugar capped plug at one end, so that by the time the worker bees eat through it (originally with the purpose of killing her, because she's not "their" queen) she has been able to douse them with enough pheromones that they become her servants.

 

The guy hands me a carton with thirteen of these queen cages in it.

I say, "Hey, I only ordered 12." He says, "That other one is a free bee."

I suppose you'd call it a beekeeper's dozen. 

[Walden Ponderer 12639]

1 minute ago, WhatTheBuck said:

I suppose you'd call it a beekeeper's dozen. 

That joke works better (worse?) than you'd think. Beekeepers call themselves 'beeks' so it'd be a "beeker's dozen".

[GringoSalado 1651]

I did not expect to be learning beekeeping on the lame joke thread

[retsevlys 408]

My dad is a beekeeper.  To my knowledge, he hasn't gotten a free bee.  I've helped him corral some swarms.  It's definitely cool as shit. 

He's lifted the cover off a hive in the hot summer and the bees were madder than fuck, trying their best to sting you.  With a swarming hive, you don't even need a suit.

[Buffsoldier 1895]

2 hours ago, Walden Ponderer said:

That joke works better (worse?) than you'd think. Beekeepers call themselves 'beeks' so it'd be a "beeker's dozen".

[Longboard Horn 40199]

Why does a duck have feathers?

To cover up his buttquack

[Jerry Callo 8675]

Ego and Superego walk into a bar.  Bartender says "I'm gonna need to see some ID."

[Walden Ponderer 12639]

Psychiatrist:  "Tell me what you see in these images. What's this first one?"

Patient: "That's you, fucking my girlfriend."

Psychiatrist:  "And this one?"

Patient: "That's you, fucking my mother and my aunt."

Psychiatrist:  "And this one?"

Patient:  "That's you, stabbing my best friend."

Psychiatrist:  "And this one?"

Patient:  "Aren't these usually supposed to be ink blots?"

 

Edited December 9, 2019 by Walden Ponderer

[Disco Strangler 1865]

What's the last thing you want to hear while you are giving Willie Nelson a blowjob?

-I'm not Willie Nelson

[Stella Link 534]

MASSIVE EARTHQUAKE HITS LAS VEGAS

1,200 Elvis Impersonators "All Shook Up"

[honolulu horn 6157]

On 12/9/2019 at 10:03 AM, Walden Ponderer said:

Psychiatrist:  "Tell me what you see in these images. What's this first one?"

Patient: "That's you, fucking my girlfriend."

Psychiatrist:  "And this one?"

Patient: "That's you, fucking my mother and my aunt."

Psychiatrist:  "And this one?"

Patient:  "That's you, stabbing my best friend."

Psychiatrist:  "And this one?"

Patient:  "Aren't these usually supposed to be ink blots?"

 

The older version starts with a psychiatrist showing inkblots to a patient:

Psychiatrist: "What do you see in this inkblot?"

Patient: "Two people fucking."

Psychiatrist: "And in the next one?"

Patient: "Two more people fucking."

Psychiatrist: "And in the third one?"

Patient: "Another couple fucking."

Psychiatrist: "Why do you see people having sex in every inkblot you see?"

Patient: "You're the one showing me the dirty pictures."

[Homesickhorn 2202]

What’s the only thing worse than ants in your pants?









Uncles.

[honolulu horn 6157]

The family was playing games over the holidays, and we chose one of those where people write down responses to questions, the answers are read aloud, and you get points when people pick your answer. The idea is to come up with the funniest or most clever response so people will pick it. One question was, "What is something a flight attendant never wants to hear?" People wrote down various puns and double entendre responses. Our 4 year old niece's answer was "You're stupid."  Still makes me laugh.

[mulletpelini 5210]

What's white and brown and has 5 legs?

Spoiler

A pitbull running from a schoolyard

 

[Mach 1 1677]

Hear about the guy that lost his whole left side in an accident.

He's all right.

[WhatTheBuck 28730]

On January 12, 2020 at 4:16 PM, honolulu horn said:

The family was playing games over the holidays, and we chose one of those where people write down responses to questions, the answers are read aloud, and you get points when people pick your answer. The idea is to come up with the funniest or most clever response so people will pick it. One question was, "What is something a flight attendant never wants to hear?" People wrote down various puns and double entendre responses. Our 4 year old niece's answer was "You're stupid."  Still makes me laugh.

Your mother is so ugly, it affects her self esteem.

[Walden Ponderer 12639]

A priest, an imam, and a rabbit walk into a bar.

The rabbit says, "I think I may be a typo."

[WhatTheBuck 28730]

"Me too."

[TexasMan 10843]

 

[Longboard Horn 40199]

What do you call an angry midget?

Short tempered

[Longboard Horn 40199]

Why was the two piece swimsuit invented?

To separate the dairy section from the meat section. 

[Armybrat 40763]

The economic impact of the Wuhan Virus, has hit everybody really hard:

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card offer in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is now selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills and La Jolla fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds etc… I called the Suicide Hotline. I reached the call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, the guy got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck!
 

[Longboard Horn 40199]

[WhatTheBuck 28730]

What's the difference between a women's track team and a group of African Pygmies?

One is a bunch of cunning runts.

[Alex Karev 1030]

Are my testicles black?

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet"

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other She looks very closely and says, 'Theres nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely

"Are . my-test - results - back?

[Longboard Horn 40199]

[Alex Karev 1030]

Quarantine has turnedu us all into dog's. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told 'no' if we get too close to strangers.

And we get really excited about car rides.

[ROFL BOX 6647]

Quarantine has turnedu us all into dog's

*dogs

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk

[ROFL BOX 6647]

Apparently TapaTalk has gone haywire with doubble or trippple posts.

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk
 

 

Edited April 30, 2020 by ROFL BOX
Bob Stoops fucks his sister & beats puppies with a hammer.

[ROFL BOX 6647]

This is relevant to my interests; it is a shingle cab truck.

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk

[ROFL BOX 6647]

Fuuuuuck TapaTalk with the duplicates.

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk
 

Edited April 30, 2020 by ROFL BOX
Brian Bosworth is a useless example of a human being.

[Alex Karev 1030]

1 hour ago, ROFL BOX said:

Fuuuuuck TapaTalk with the duplicates.
 

*Fuck

[Alex Karev 1030]

SOME PEOPLE AREN'T SHAKING HANDS BECAUSE OF THIS CORONAVIRUS.

I'M NOT SHAKING HANDS BECAUSE EVERYONE IS OUT OF TOILET PAPER!

[BearSchlong 8079]

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.

During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was

masturbating furiously.

 

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman.

"That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?”

 

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained. "I'm very sorry

that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition

where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at

least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could

easily rupture.”

 

"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.

As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed

while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

 

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?”

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan

[Alex Karev 1030]

On 5/3/2020 at 9:38 AM, UTPhil2006 said:

 

Edited May 6, 2020 by Alex Karev
I plead the 5th.

[Alex Karev 1030]

What are Murder Hornets

And how much toilet paper do I need to buy?

[Alex Karev 1030]