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honolulu horn

By honolulu horn
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Armybrat
Armybrat

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered. “On a trip to the Black

Disco Strangler
Disco Strangler

Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild? Since he was a Chief in modern society, he had never been taught the old secre

ernest_t_bass
ernest_t_bass

What's the difference between 2 dicks and a joke? Bob Stoops can't take a joke.

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High Plains Drifter

High Plains Drifter 11035

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Old Irish feller retires and move to a small village in the country. He finds a local and starts hanging out there, drinking away his days. He always orders three pints of Guinness at a time, and when he drinks them, he alternates drinks from each glass, so they all are done at about the same time. After the 2nd or 3rd time he does this, the barkeep says, 'Aye laddie, I can pour those for you one at a time, so you are getting a fresh one each time."

The old feller says, "Nae, I have two lovely brothers, who I never see, so whenever we drink, we always drink three pints at a time, so that we are always drinking together. One pint is for me, one is for my older brother in navy, and one is for my wee brother who works on a drilling rig in the North Sea."

This goes on for a few months, until one day the old feller comes in and only orders two pints. He drinks them the same way, sitting alone. The regulars at the bar wonder which brother of his has died, the sailor or the driller. They get together a fund and buy flowers for the local. The next time the old feller comes in, he sees the flowers and asks the barkeep, "Is there a  village festival I'm not ken to? Why all the lovely flowers?"

The barkeep says "Nae, laddie, they're for your lovely brother that's passed. Which one was it, the sailor or your wee brother on the rig?"

The old feller says "Nae, both me brothers are right as rain, why do ye ask?"

Barkeep says "Well, you started ordering only two pints, instead of your usual three."

The old feller says, "Well, I've been getting gout, so I've stopped drinking."

 

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Jimbaround

Jimbaround 975

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An Indian Chief's was sitting with his son when the boy started asking questions about his family.  The boy asked, "Why is my brother names Soaring Eagle?"  The Chief replied, "When your brother was born I took him outside and the first thing I saw was a majestic eagle flying high in the air."  The boy then asked, "Why is my sister named Running Rabbit?"  The father says, "When your sister was born I took her outside and the first thing I saw was a rabbit leaping through the grass.  Why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking?

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High Plains Drifter

High Plains Drifter 11035

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guy walks into a museum, and is looking at a fossil. He asks a nearby security guard how old the fossil is. The security guard says "that bone is 2 million and 9 years old." The guy is amazed and asks "how do they know the age of that bone so precisely?" Security guard says "I don't know. All I know is that when I started working here 9 years ago, they told me it was 2 million years old."

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Mileslong

Mileslong 4727

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For those of you looking for some timely humor during thanksgiving.

I was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but i couldn't find one big enough for my family. So I turned to the stock boy and asked, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" "No, sir," he replied. "They're dead."

I was telling these at the dinner table and my family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes, but I told them I couldn't just quit "cold turkey."

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Armybrat

Armybrat 40832

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Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipator
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In

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956 Worldwide

956 Worldwide 34705

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A young couple have their first kid, a little boy.  He is healthy and active but as time goes on, they begin to worry— he never says his first word.  They see dozens of specialists, none of them can find anything wrong.  Eventually they just come to accept that the child can’t speak.

The boy turns ten years old, still hasn’t said a word.  One evening at dinner, he slams his spoon down and shouts, “dammit woman, this soup’s cold.”

His parents nearly fall out of their chairs, tears in their eyes.  Finally his mom chokes out, “son, you can speak!”

”Of course I can.”

”Well, why is this the first time you’ve said anything?”

”Up till now you’ve done a pretty damn good job.”

Edited by 956 Worldwide
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Armybrat

Armybrat 40832

Posted
Posted
Funeral for a Homeless Man

 

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no familyor friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently I’m still lost… it’s a man thing. (author unknown)

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Armybrat

Armybrat 40832

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THE CURRENT BANKING CRISIS EXPLAINED BY A FARMER 

Young JAMES bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, 
but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'

JAMES replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'

James said, 'OK,then just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

James said, 'I’m going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'

James said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody 
he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with James and asked, 
'What happened with that dead donkey?'

James said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 each 
and made a profit oh $898.' 

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

James said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back.'

James now works as a member of Congress.

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