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Things you're a little bit embarrassed to admit

Hanrahan

By Hanrahan
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nycHorn
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I don't own a squatty potty, but I like having my feet raised.  So I always turn my trashcan on it's side when I shit.  Or in hotels I'll use random furniture.  Once I jammed an ottoman in the john so

Jack Straw
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i Febreze my dog when i'm too lazy to give her a bath

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retsevlys

retsevlys 408

Posted
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On 9/21/2020 at 11:20 AM, Sbbruin said:

 

Do you have a bidet?  Serious question, I have hemorrhoids periodically and they're greatly reduced when I use a bidet as opposed to cave man wiping.  My dad had surgery to fix his.  He no longer has the ability to hold his shits.  If he has to go, he has to go now.  That's the main reason I haven't done the same thing.  I had a doctor tell me ten years ago that I would have now had surgery to correct this.  I can't bring myself to not be able to wait a few hours to take a shit.

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Mudcat35

Mudcat35 196

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Yesterday I experienced the sum total of 2020 in one two-hour episode.  To be fair, it actually began the night before.  Let me explain.

 

My wife had knee replacement surgery two weeks ago, so Tuesday was her first visit back to the surgeon in Austin.  She got a good report, so we decided to celebrate by going to one of our favorite little diners in Austin.  Keep in mind that we've been trying to eat healthier and have changed our diet.  This will become important later in the story.  We sit down at our table and order.  Service is terrible.  Things are forgotten, things are wrong, tea runs dry, but we get through it.  My fried okra, I thought, was especially good.  Again, this will be important later.

 

We leave the restaurant and go home.  This was her first real trip out of the house, so she's tired and her knee hurts.  This means that she doesn't sleep at all that night, and of course means I don't either.  Great.  It's starting.

 

I wake up yesterday morning with my asthma going crazy.  I can't breathe, I'm coughing my head off, and I have a really nice headache.  I get up anyway to go into my office to go to work, and I notice that something just doesn't feel.....right.  Stomach is gurgling, but I don't think too much of it.  I sit down at my desk and do a couple of emails.  It's at this point that I have to SHIT.  RIGHT.  NOW.  I don't mean in the 30 seconds it's going to take me to get to the bathroom, I mean RIGHT NOW.  I'm concerned and flummoxed, but I decide to chance it anyway.  I stood up from my chair.  Bad move.  Apparently, the pressure from sitting was keeping things in check.  With that pressure removed, it was on.  I loaded up my drawers in spectacular fashion.  This resulted in the cheek-clenching death waddle into the bathroom to clean up while trying not to drip anything on the floor.

 

I get to the bathroom, I'm cleaning up, and it hits again.  I make it to the toilet before it's too late, and once there, out of my ass comes substances and odor that should NEVER come out of a live human.  My eyes were burning.  I could taste it.  I wanted to run.  From the other room, I hear my wife asking "Are you alright?"  No, I am not alright.  I may never be alright again.  I can only think "OKRA!!!!!"

 

I survive that episode and head back to my desk.  An emergency call comes in from a colleague, telling me that the customer we've been working closely with for the past year or so has suddenly changed direction and won't be purchasing the system we've mutually developed.  This is about a $21M hit.  This is not good.  We've been ignoring other customers and opportunities to chase this one, and we were counting on landing it, especially since we had verbal confirmation we were good to go.  The first thought in my head was "we're cooked".

 

I hate it when I'm right.  Not an hour later, my boss calls telling me I'm laid off.

 

So, to recap, in a two hour period, I've managed to:  1)  wake up feeling like crap, 2) shit myself, 3) scared my wife with the things coming out of me, 4) lost a huge deal, and 5) lost my job.

 

Fuck you, 2020.

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futureman

futureman 22553

Posted
Posted
7 minutes ago, Mudcat35 said:

Stomach is gurgling, but I don't think too much of it.  I sit down at my desk and do a couple of emails.  It's at this point that I have to SHIT.  RIGHT.  NOW.  I don't mean in the 30 seconds it's going to take me to get to the bathroom, I mean RIGHT NOW.  I'm concerned and flummoxed, but I decide to chance it anyway.  I stood up from my chair.  Bad move.  Apparently, the pressure from sitting was keeping things in check.  With that pressure removed, it was on.  I loaded up my drawers in spectacular fashion.  This resulted in the cheek-clenching death waddle into the bathroom to clean up while trying not to drip anything on the floor.

you need to submit this to the shart thread.  could be the winner. 

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davidg

davidg 4038

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Mudcat35 said:

With that pressure removed, it was on.  I loaded up my drawers in spectacular fashion.  This resulted in the cheek-clenching death waddle into the bathroom to clean up while trying not to drip anything on the floor.

 Username definitely checks out.

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Sbbruin

Sbbruin 21898

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, Mudcat35 said:

I get to the bathroom, I'm cleaning up, and it hits again.  I make it to the toilet before it's too late, and once there, out of my ass comes substances and odor that should NEVER come out of a live human.  My eyes were burning.  I could taste it.  I wanted to run.  From the other room, I hear my wife asking "Are you alright?"  No, I am not alright.  I may never be alright again.  I can only think "OKRA!!!!!"

spacer.png

 

Sorry about the job.  That sucks.

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High Plains Drifter

High Plains Drifter 11052

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Posted

 

When I was in high school (early 80s), me and a couple of friends used to steal beer from this convenience store. It was located on 360, just west of mopac. We would go to this particular store because the late night clerk on the weekends seemed a little, shall we say, slow.

The way we would work it, one of us (the "point man") would go up to the clerk, and ask to buy the latest Playboy magazine, which were kept behind the counter. The clerk would get it, and the point man would buy it, then open it up, and look at it with the clerk. While the clerk was distracted, the "runner" would casually walk in, grab a case, and just walk out. The clerk would never notice. Then the point man would leave with the magazine.

The driver would be in the parking lot, with the motor running. We probably did this 10 or so times over the span of maybe 6 months. Looking back, I feel bad about it. We probably got that guy fired.

 

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ztejas

ztejas 43546

Posted
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10 hours ago, High Plains Drifter said:

 

When I was in high school (early 80s), me and a couple of friends used to steal beer from this convenience store. It was located on 360, just west of mopac. We would go to this particular store because the late night clerk on the weekends seemed a little, shall we say, slow.

The way we would work it, one of us (the "point man") would go up to the clerk, and ask to buy the latest Playboy magazine, which were kept behind the counter. The clerk would get it, and the point man would buy it, then open it up, and look at it with the clerk. While the clerk was distracted, the "runner" would casually walk in, grab a case, and just walk out. The clerk would never notice. Then the point man would leave with the magazine.

The driver would be in the parking lot, with the motor running. We probably did this 10 or so times over the span of maybe 6 months. Looking back, I feel bad about it. We probably got that guy fired.

 

One of my fraternity brothers in college would routinely go to the self-checkout at Kroger and scan Veuve Clicquot (sp) as Andre. 

Somehow they figured out a way to put an end to his scheme, but he had probably stolen a thousand dollars in champagne by that point.

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Kyle

Kyle 207

Posted
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9 minutes ago, ztejas said:

One of my fraternity brothers in college would routinely go to the self-checkout at Kroger and scan Veuve Clicquot (sp) as Andre. 

Somehow they figured out a way to put an end to his scheme, but he had probably stolen a thousand dollars in champagne by that point.

I have to fight the urge to steal from the self-checkout because they tend to make me ragey ... I get it for a few items but they take jobs and basically make me work for Kroger. I do always select I brought four bags at Target because my $0.20 tip is what I'm getting for working as a cashier and bagger ... I end up spending more time waiting for the one worker to fix my problem vs. human checker.

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TwiceHorn

TwiceHorn 31560

Posted
Posted
14 minutes ago, 52-80 said:

I dont know what "Permanent Press" means on washing/drying machines.

 

Well, im not embarassed about that.. it is a fucking stupid description

It is/was the cycle/temperature for "Permanent Press" fabrics, which used to mean sanforized poly-cotton.

It's less hot than a heavy cycle.  If you have no-iron shirts, it should be good for those.  Too hot burns the sanforization out of them.

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