What’s the right amount to spend on an engagement ring these days?

[swraith 346]

The premise of an engagement ring is stupid. Perpetuating the custom is equally stupid.

Yep this. The girl shouldn’t care about the ring.

[Nice Guy Eddie 13512]

3 hours ago, Zepol87 said:

Padrinos are a fucking life saver

Until you are the padrino. Then you’re paying for weddings. 

[Buzzrock 14920]

Something I haven’t seen mentioned: she can always upgrade later. My wife’s ring now looks a lot different than it did when we got married 17 years ago.

[Okie State 3821]

Something I haven’t seen mentioned: she can always upgrade later. My wife’s ring now looks a lot different than it did when we got married 17 years ago.

This seems weird to me. Doesn't the original ring hold some meaning regardless of how small or pedestrian it is? If nothing else, it shows how far you've come together.

I don't know, just my feeling on the subject. To each their own though.

[Chico_SA 521]

Really loved marrying someone that never even once mentioned looking at rings together.  That whole shopping together idea is for me, personally, weird. But I was lucky.

One of her family members offered me a small family heirloom stone that I knew would have meaning to her. She never knew anything about it. I chose the design with the help of her sister and added two smaller stones. Cost was kept low, and it all meant the world to her. 

[immortal13 4059]

6 hours ago, Zepol87 said:

Padrinos are a fucking life saver

Elaborate for us gringos 

[Buzzrock 14920]

56 minutes ago, Okie State said:

This seems weird to me. Doesn't the original ring hold some meaning regardless of how small or pedestrian it is? If nothing else, it shows how far you've come together.

I don't know, just my feeling on the subject. To each their own though.

She has the original band with inscription and original stone, but she has added more stones. 

[KaiserSoze 998]

 

 

 

This seems weird to me. Doesn't the original ring hold some meaning regardless of how small or pedestrian it is? If nothing else, it shows how far you've come together.

 

I don't know, just my feeling on the subject. To each their own though.

 

Usually they repurpose the old stone into another piece.

 

[gmr548 16580]

23 hours ago, I Plead Da Fif said:

moving to Austin to get a way cheaper house is the way to go.

 

No the fuck it is not.

[KaiserSoze 998]

I'm guessing homeboy is in Denver, which from what I hear is generally more expensive than Austin.

[orangecat92 306]

Fall of 93 I walked into North Star Mall, found an independent jewelry place, got a cash discount, and wrote a big check, almost 2k, about one month of income.  Took her camping to propose, she didn’t have a clue.  Still with her 25 years later.  Could have spent more or less, it’s whatever you’re comfortable spending.  No way was I going anywhere near the 3 months idea.  

 

I planned much of our wedding. Since I had been in National Guard, we got married in chapel at Mabry, prob 75$.  She was very frugal on her  dress, spent 200 or 300.  The only expensive item I remember were the pictures, about 1k.

We did spend some money on honeymoon, Disney world.  Fun!

 

 

 

 

 

[bluto 4929]

1 hour ago, KaiserSoze said:

I'm guessing homeboy is in Denver, which from what I hear is generally more expensive than Austin.

Maybe on pure price point but if you're talking monthly payment with property taxes I bet it's not too different. 

[Nice Guy Eddie 13512]

To me it seems like the 3 month concept was the ideal when the average groom was 22. And at the lowest earning level of his life.  A guy in his 30s or 40s dropping 3 months salary is over the top.   At that $ amounts, it’s only to show off.   “Look how rich my husband-to-be is. I win.”    

Now I get that the guy earning 500k isn’t going to get away with buying an engagement ring worth $10k. Just like he can’t take her on a vacation and stay at a best western.  There are expectations of spending some part of what you earn.

[I Plead Da Fif 272]

On 4/20/2019 at 10:07 PM, ztejas said:

Where are you moving from? Zurich?

Good joke, but the reality is the cost of living in Austin, even with home prices relatively speaking much higher than they were, is still one of the lowest cost of living in a desirable city to live in as a software worker. Denver has very little new construction with a lot of people moving here; a 450K house in Circle C would be at least 650-750K here in a comparable location. We’d be limited to 1600 sqft pieces of shit built in the 60’s for houses in the 400’s.

Besides, I lived in Austin for 22 years before moving to Denver for her 2 years ago. When we want to buy a house and settle down, I’ll be ready to come back home.

 

[NBMisha 224]

31 minutes ago, Nice Guy Eddie said:

To me it seems like the 3 month concept was the ideal when the average groom was 22. And at the lowest earning level of his life.  A guy in his 30s or 40s dropping 3 months salary is over the top.   At that $ amounts, it’s only to show off.   “Look how rich my husband-to-be is. I win.”    

Now I get that the guy earning 500k isn’t going to get away with buying an engagement ring worth $10k. Just like he can’t take her on a vacation and stay at a best western.  There are expectations of spending some part of what you earn.

You don't get to the 500k level by being a sentimental fool.

[Armybrat 40849]

On 4/19/2019 at 8:03 AM, Okie State said:

From my experience, 2 carat is pretty damn big.

It’s plenty big enough. Mrs. Brat has a 2.25 carat diamond in her ring, surrounded by 10 little diamonds totaling another carat. 

The big diamond was the best kind.... free... I found it hidden in an old stereo console in her dad’s house after he passed away. It had belonged to his wife who predeceased him by a few months. I paid another grand to have it remounted in the new custom made ring with the little stones. That jewelry maker was a friend who gave me a nice discount off his regular prices. The finished ring appraised at $12,000 about 30 years ago.

When we got engaged In 1967, I gave her a half carat diamond that had belonged to my grandma. We had it mounted in a ring she selected for $100. It now belongs to one of my sons who had given it to his late wife before she passed away. That one has a lot more sentimental value to the family.

[bluto 4929]

15 hours ago, I Plead Da Fif said:

Good joke, but the reality is the cost of living in Austin, even with home prices relatively speaking much higher than they were, is still one of the lowest cost of living in a desirable city to live in as a software worker. Denver has very little new construction with a lot of people moving here; a 450K house in Circle C would be at least 650-750K here in a comparable location. We’d be limited to 1600 sqft pieces of shit built in the 60’s for houses in the 400’s.

Besides, I lived in Austin for 22 years before moving to Denver for her 2 years ago. When we want to buy a house and settle down, I’ll be ready to come back home.

 

Unless you're putting a shit ton of cash down, run the #s on what the actual payments will be to truly calculate housing cost difference. Folks that buy in Tx the first time without rolling their out of state equity into the purchase are shocked by the property taxes' impact on monthly payment. Very rough estimate but it's worth about 125-150k of loan amount. 

[Mole 4333]

I’ll be married 13 years this summer. I spent about $6000 on a ring. We both wear $25 wedding bands and the real stuff sits in a box somewhere. Even today, it turns my stomach a little thinking about spending that much money on something so insignificant. I can’t imagine dropping 10 or 15k.

The purpose of an engagement and wedding is a lasting marriage. If buying a big ring makes you both happy and you can afford it, go for it and enjoy it, but setting up some minimum amount to spend based on 1-3 month’s salary or a percentage of yearly salary seems like a good way to spend more money without actually getting noticeably nicer ring.

[I Plead Da Fif 272]

8 hours ago, bluto said:

Unless you're putting a shit ton of cash down, run the #s on what the actual payments will be to truly calculate housing cost difference. Folks that buy in Tx the first time without rolling their out of state equity into the purchase are shocked by the property taxes' impact on monthly payment. Very rough estimate but it's worth about 125-150k of loan amount. 

I’m aware. The last year I had my condo I paid >$6000 in property taxes. That’s what I pay a year in state income tax in Colorado. I’m okay with the trade.

[horn4life 3760]

On 4/18/2019 at 6:16 PM, I Plead Da Fif said:

Will be getting engaged this year. I love the woman, and want to do everything I can to make her happy, but also not ruin our savings for a house in the near future. I make a good take home, not surly rich, but don’t have a ton in the savings right now due to immature money management. We’re now both much more frugal and are preparing for the future, but she is a knockout and I don’t want her walking around with a tiny diamond with men thinking she’s easy pickings. For full context, this will be both of our first marriages, and hopefully only. We both have no kids, I’m 32 and she’s 29.

I’ve been looking at 2 carat diamonds on rare carat. They’re around 11-13K on the cuts she likes with the custom band around another 1k. In total, that’d be a couple grand under 2 months take home.

What say you surl?

I guess I will hop in with two things, if the size of the diamond you are buying your love is part of a "keep her faithful" program, you are marrying the wrong fucking woman.  If they love you they love you.  If the size of the ring is a biggie to her then dump her ass.  Off soap box.

Guys are fucking stupid as shit sometimes in the department of money and women, especially when first dating.  When I was at my peak I never took a girl out to dinner on the first date.  I usually said we were going to dinner, but always ended up at happy hour first.  We might make dinner, but if a girl likes you she doesn't care if you take her to the dollar movie, happy hour, or out for a picnic.  It was a great weeder.  The WORST fucking thing a guy can do is spend a lot of cash trying to impress a woman.  Because if cash is what impresses her, there is ALWAYS some other motherfucker with a fatter wallet, who can make her "more happy" because of her fucked up priorities. Everyone want's what they "percieve they can't have.  Fawning never ever works.

I guess I might work the math backwards.  Instead of worrying about impressing her (or your friends) with a monetary amount of "month's of salary.'" I would probably ask you, "what percentage of your savings is this purchase?" You state you want to buy a house, get a ring, and have a wedding.  How much do you have in the bank?  How much does she have in the bank? and/or how much are her parent's gonna pop for the wedding?  Sounded like that was on her/you?  Why is the only traditional side of this equation the wedding ring and not the big lavish wedding? Not criticizing here in any way, just stating that there are dollar amounts tied to everything. So what should weigh more?  Getting a home? Ring? Wedding? Again, how much do you have in the bank?

Trust me on this.  You small wedding in the backyard after you present her with a two carat rock is gonna be a pipe dream.  Spend a LOT more on the party (wedding) than the ring. IF you are on the hook for the home down payment, wedding and ring, allocate accordingly.  If she's the keeper you say she is, I suggest... and I know this is fucking crazy... but talk to her!   There are X amount of dollars to go around, and they have to be allocated.  In fact, this conversation is best had before you slip ANY ring on her finger.  The balance in the conversation is the selflessness EACH OF YOU bring to the table.  What was funny as shit to me when we were getting married 33 years ago was going to group pre-maritial counseling. It was hilarious how little some of these fiances new each other, and their basic expections being near opposites oftentimes on the day to day workings of marriage.  talk to her and prioritize with percentages your home downpayment, ring and wedding.  I would put the house first far, far beyond or others.  I would hope that she would too. 

You think her not having a big rock makes her "easy pickings?" Try a big rock living in a rental.... I know which one I think is the easier pickings...

 

 

[I Plead Da Fif 272]

13 minutes ago, horn4life said:

I guess I will hop in with two things, if the size of the diamond you are buying your love is part of a "keep her faithful" program, you are marrying the wrong fucking woman.  If they love you they love you.  If the size of the ring is a biggie to her then dump her ass.  Off soap box.

Guys are fucking stupid as shit sometimes in the department of money and women, especially when first dating.  When I was at my peak I never took a girl out to dinner on the first date.  I usually said we were going to dinner, but always ended up at happy hour first.  We might make dinner, but if a girl likes you she doesn't care if you take her to the dollar movie, happy hour, or out for a picnic.  It was a great weeder.  The WORST fucking thing a guy can do is spend a lot of cash trying to impress a woman.  Because if cash is what impresses her, there is ALWAYS some other motherfucker with a fatter wallet, who can make her "more happy" because of her fucked up priorities. Everyone want's what they "percieve they can't have.  Fawning never ever works.

I guess I might work the math backwards.  Instead of worrying about impressing her (or your friends) with a monetary amount of "month's of salary.'" I would probably ask you, "what percentage of your savings is this purchase?" You state you want to buy a house, get a ring, and have a wedding.  How much do you have in the bank?  How much does she have in the bank? and/or how much are her parent's gonna pop for the wedding?  Sounded like that was on her/you?  Why is the only traditional side of this equation the wedding ring and not the big lavish wedding? Not criticizing here in any way, just stating that there are dollar amounts tied to everything. So what should weigh more?  Getting a home? Ring? Wedding? Again, how much do you have in the bank?

Trust me on this.  You small wedding in the backyard after you present her with a two carat rock is gonna be a pipe dream.  Spend a LOT more on the party (wedding) than the ring. IF you are on the hook for the home down payment, wedding and ring, allocate accordingly.  If she's the keeper you say she is, I suggest... and I know this is fucking crazy... but talk to her!   There are X amount of dollars to go around, and they have to be allocated.  In fact, this conversation is best had before you slip ANY ring on her finger.  The balance in the conversation is the selflessness EACH OF YOU bring to the table.  What was funny as shit to me when we were getting married 33 years ago was going to group pre-maritial counseling. It was hilarious how little some of these fiances new each other, and their basic expections being near opposites oftentimes on the day to day workings of marriage.  talk to her and prioritize with percentages your home downpayment, ring and wedding.  I would put the house first far, far beyond or others.  I would hope that she would too. 

You think her not having a big rock makes her "easy pickings?" Try a big rock living in a rental.... I know which one I think is the easier pickings...

 

 

You clearly didn’t read the whole thread, but I appreciate your stern talking to.

[52-80 19159]

On 4/19/2019 at 9:56 PM, I Plead Da Fif said:

So I guess I'm not totally crazy in my initial thinking of budget for this. I make 130K a year, and 10% of that is right about what I planned on spending.

I really appreciate everyone's input, including those that have had bad marriages and came to shit on my thread of positivity toward love and marriage

I don't think that's it though.  You are encouraged to spend as much as you want to express your gratitude, and for your wife to appreciate the gesture.  Be it a stone, or a bit job. 

 

The thing is, as you said, she doesnt cherish an expensive rock.  Then it has fuck-all value or utility.  Unless you bury under your skin as bail-out money for weapons dealing in Eritrea, diamonds are the most useless shit in the world.

 

If you want to flex your wallet in a way that she'll remember it, put her in the front cabin on a flight to Siena, book a prime seat to watch the Palio, reserve the chef's table for dining every night, and you still have money left over from the original budget to get yourself a handmade suit.

 

Or whatever else y'all are into.  Or you could buy a fucking rock of carbon she'll stuff in the dresser or eventually lose.

[I Plead Da Fif 272]

57 minutes ago, 52-80 said:

I don't think that's it though.  You are encouraged to spend as much as you want to express your gratitude, and for your wife to appreciate the gesture.  Be it a stone, or a bit job. 

 

The thing is, as you said, she doesnt cherish an expensive rock.  Then it has fuck-all value or utility.  Unless you bury under your skin as bail-out money for weapons dealing in Eritrea, diamonds are the most useless shit in the world.

 

If you want to flex your wallet in a way that she'll remember it, put her in the front cabin on a flight to Siena, book a prime seat to watch the Palio, reserve the chef's table for dining every night, and you still have money left over from the original budget to get yourself a handmade suit.

 

Or whatever else y'all are into.  Or you could buy a fucking rock of carbon she'll stuff in the dresser or eventually lose.

Thank you for the perspective. It helps having differing opinions in a non insulting aggressive manner.

[horn4life 3760]

7 hours ago, I Plead Da Fif said:

You clearly didn’t read the whole thread, but I appreciate your stern talking to.

Haha... you think I didn't read your replies? That most of her nice shit she wears is from other guys throwing money at her? That she is thrifty because of her immigrant background, and lack disposable income relative to her taste?  That she will sign a prenup. That having a few kids and endless comingling of funds post marriage will largely numerically nullify your prenup. My personal bet is she never signs a pre-nup, because you never put one in front of her.

She's the hottest thing you have ever dated and you want to make her happy, she's content with a 2 carat rock because "she's worth it" in her mind. And it looks good on her hand.  You have an issue with how others see you and you want to impress your fiends and family with the ring, as much or more than your degree of nervous about her eye wandering.  You moved and uprooted your life because, she's the hottest thing you ever dated.  Dude she has the upper hand by far and you don't even realize it. 

My cocktail napkin summary had we had this discussion at a bar would be...  She may be the hottest thing you ever dated, but you are not the hottest thing she ever dated.  Which ironically in my mind sort of answers all the questions you posed initially.

 

 

 

If I was your analyst I would say-  start telling her exactly how things are going to be. Shrink the fucking ring as a "test" of her love for you, versus the prenup accounting rationalizations for personal "proof."  Simply say you think that having the extra cash for a house is more important, and become a lead dog.  Unfortunately... She's the hottest thing you ever dated, and in the back of your mind you have insecurities here. I would tell you at this particular moment, it's better to play Against what she wants at this point.  Simply put if she happily accepts the smaller ring knowing it is the beginning of a committed life. Excitement with the smaller ring and the purchase of your first home together due to your "explaining it to her" gives in my mind a 30% higher chance of your marriage surviving.  If she really loves you the house will be more important.   I also might surprise her with the larger rock if she didn't whine about the reduced size for house exchange. If she whined about the smaller ring I would consider dumping her. HARSH I know, but her happily accepting the smaller ring compromise would alleviate a LOT of your personal insecurities with her IMHO.  Of course if she whines, your insecurities will be heightened...  and perhaps rightfully so.  I genuinely hope you have a long and happy marriage.  But if the size of the ring is more important than getting into the house and starting your life together?  Then the ring will make a nice drop necklace one day. 

sorry about the aggressive manner, but it's a forever question

 

Edited April 23, 2019 by horn4life

[52-80 19159]

Listen to this guy, he's pre-nup

[luke duke 6413]

My wife has had a cubic for close to 15 years now. She’s only mentioned it once. About 3-4 years ago she asked if I would replace it with another cubic since it had gotten pretty scratched up.

[I Plead Da Fif 272]

3 hours ago, horn4life said:

Haha... you think I didn't read your replies? That most of her nice shit she wears is from other guys throwing money at her? That she is thrifty because of her immigrant background, and lack disposable income relative to her taste?  That she will sign a prenup. That having a few kids and endless comingling of funds post marriage will largely numerically nullify your prenup. My personal bet is she never signs a pre-nup, because you never put one in front of her.

She's the hottest thing you have ever dated and you want to make her happy, she's content with a 2 carat rock because "she's worth it" in her mind. And it looks good on her hand.  You have an issue with how others see you and you want to impress your fiends and family with the ring, as much or more than your degree of nervous about her eye wandering.  You moved and uprooted your life because, she's the hottest thing you ever dated.  Dude she has the upper hand by far and you don't even realize it. 

My cocktail napkin summary had we had this discussion at a bar would be...  She may be the hottest thing you ever dated, but you are not the hottest thing she ever dated.  Which ironically in my mind sort of answers all the questions you posed initially.

 

 

 

If I was your analyst I would say-  start telling her exactly how things are going to be. Shrink the fucking ring as a "test" of her love for you, versus the prenup accounting rationalizations for personal "proof."  Simply say you think that having the extra cash for a house is more important, and become a lead dog.  Unfortunately... She's the hottest thing you ever dated, and in the back of your mind you have insecurities here. I would tell you at this particular moment, it's better to play Against what she wants at this point.  Simply put if she happily accepts the smaller ring knowing it is the beginning of a committed life. Excitement with the smaller ring and the purchase of your first home together due to your "explaining it to her" gives in my mind a 30% higher chance of your marriage surviving.  If she really loves you the house will be more important.   I also might surprise her with the larger rock if she didn't whine about the reduced size for house exchange. If she whined about the smaller ring I would consider dumping her. HARSH I know, but her happily accepting the smaller ring compromise would alleviate a LOT of your personal insecurities with her IMHO.  Of course if she whines, your insecurities will be heightened...  and perhaps rightfully so.  I genuinely hope you have a long and happy marriage.  But if the size of the ring is more important than getting into the house and starting your life together?  Then the ring will make a nice drop necklace one day. 

sorry about the aggressive manner, but it's a forever question

 

Thanks for the advice. I’ve been looking at closer to the 5K mark and can still get a large lab grown rock at that price point. At what point would you say she’s made enough concessions, aside from just accepting a cheaper ring? I appreciate your perspective. It’s all a grey area.

[troph 24805]

I’ve got a friend who said the only reason he bought his wife a big rock was to let those that would be interested know that not only is she taken (she’s drop dead gorgeous but not in a an overprocessed way just naturally beautiful) but that her husband is also rich. Made a lot of sense to me.

[Clintonaldo 2574]

On 4/19/2019 at 1:00 PM, Celery Man said:

just as a counterbalance, and one that isn't dismissive of the desire from either you or her to get a big shiny ring on her finger, the wedding itself, the honeymoon, and more so a house are things that I think are fairly legitimate costs to balance against what you might spend on a ring.  I think it sounds like you know what you and she want on the ring, and that's good and fine.

We just got married, I'd say that I was definitely in the camp (re the wedding itself) of "this is stupid, we should just invite people to the Salt Lick or something and do the whole thing for a couple thousand dollars".  We ended up spending $50k, biggest items were a band and a ton of floral (but also plated dinner, full bar, planner/day of coordinator, not a huge guest list ended up being 100 people in attendance) and I don't regret it.  It was important to her and it was a beautiful, highly memorable night.  Floral I think is the thing that is easy to freak out about the expense but then realize its value at the event.

A trip to southern Spain that was a lot of hiking was a good choice for honeymoon - beautiful, good food, not expensive.

this is mostly unsolicited advise rambling about a thing I just went through, I think if you already talked to her about the size of the rock then it's too late to deviate, and if it's important to her and you're confident that she's the one, spend the money. the main thing I'm maybe trying to advise is balance in all things, given my recent experience I'd urge you to not make the event itself an afterthought.

Not to derail the thread but it is amazing to see how far you have come. I will never forget your post about being in a facility and trying to get out and everyone thought you were joking. Happy for you. 

[Clintonaldo 2574]

25 minutes ago, troph said:

I’ve got a friend who said the only reason he bought his wife a big rock was to let those that would be interested know that not only is she taken (she’s drop dead gorgeous but not in a an overprocessed way just naturally beautiful) but that her husband is also rich. Made a lot of sense to me.

The men with that mentality typically have wive’s begging for the D of another man. 

Edited April 24, 2019 by Clintonaldo

[Celery Man 20951]

 

11 minutes ago, Clintonaldo said:

Not to derail the thread but it is amazing to see how far you have come. I will never forget your post about being in a facility and trying to get out and everyone thought you were joking. Happy for you. 

Yeah it's been a good couple of years.  3 and half, but who's counting

(context - I am a recovered alcoholic that bottomed out in 2015 and did some posting while I was in a psychotic state in a hospital.  if anyone ever finds themselves losing control or spiraling out we have a thread full of very helpful folks over in bada bing or whatever it's called these days)

[Okie State 3821]

I’ve got a friend who said the only reason he bought his wife a big rock was to let those that would be interested know that not only is she taken (she’s drop dead gorgeous but not in a an overprocessed way just naturally beautiful) but that her husband is also rich. Made a lot of sense to me.

As was said above, there's always some other guy out there with a bigger bankroll.

 

[troph 24805]

The men with that mentality typically have wive’s begging for the D of another man. 

Not this guy. He’s a chill don’t give a shit, whatever I’ll get her the rock plus it will let people know she’s good. He’s rich and handsome, I don’t think she’s looking for another guy but I don’t know and don’t have a dog in that hunt so whatevs.

[Nice Guy Eddie 13512]

11 hours ago, troph said:

I’ve got a friend who said the only reason he bought his wife a big rock was to let those that would be interested know that not only is she taken (she’s drop dead gorgeous but not in a an overprocessed way just naturally beautiful) but that her husband is also rich. Made a lot of sense to me.

That’s a weird comment though.  “I bought my wife a big rock so everyone knows her husband is rich.”  I would think differently of a friend that even made that comment.

as a single guy I definitely look to see if a woman has a ring on but I don’t think I’ve ever given any thought to the size of the ring. I’ve known women that have dumped poor and wealthy guys.

[South Austin 52509]

11 hours ago, troph said:

I’ve got a friend who said the only reason he bought his wife a big rock was to let those that would be interested know that not only is she taken (she’s drop dead gorgeous but not in a an overprocessed way just naturally beautiful) but that her husband is also rich. Made a lot of sense to me.

Seems like a rather insecurity mentality with which to start off a marriage.

[Nice Guy Eddie 13512]

2 minutes ago, South Austin said:

Seems like a rather insecurity mentality with which to start off a marriage.

Also is the thought of a woman having a rich husband supposed to scare off guys? I can see it having the opposite effect.  Now if a woman’s ring can indicate her husband is the size of a nfl linebacker or nba power forward, that could scare off other men.

[troph 24805]

It was a flippant comment. We’ve spent more time mulling it over here than he ever has. You make fine points but it was an off the cuff over beers comment as much focused on giving her what she wants as much as the “plus it lets other dudes know they have no chance” view. You can think differently about your friends if they say it but he’s a cool confident chill guy.

 

And if the ring itself means something then the size of the rock has some import as well.

 

[South Austin 52509]

I wasn't trying to pile on your friend, troph, and you obviously know him more than I do.  But I'm confident there are a lot of other dudes out there whose need to buy a large engagement ring is fueled by insecurity rather than a pure desire to make the bride-to-be happy. 

But as I mentioned earlier in the thread, I have a different perspective because my wife told me when we decided to get married that an engagement ring would be a silly waste of money that could be otherwise directed toward the purchase of our first home together.  So I never had to wrestle with the decision of just how big a rock to buy for my fiancé. 

[troph 24805]

Yeah I don’t really care maybe he’s an insecure guy. I dunno. I don’t think so.

I don’t get the expensive ring thing either. Having been on both sides of the aisle so to speak I recently told my gf when that day comes I don’t care how much it costs the only thing I care about is you are the one asking. I’ve been there done that and it’s my turn to be asked. Not sure though if I want a rock or just another band tbqh. If a rock it most certainly will be a CZ not a diamond but I did tell her it should come with first class tickets to somewhere really amazing.

[Patricio Swayze 17058]

Lulz at anyone thinking a fucking ring will ward off guys from hitting on “your” woman.

You know what wards them off? Her not putting out the vibe she wants dick. Not the stupid, worthless rock you wasted money on.

[horn4life 3760]

12 hours ago, I Plead Da Fif said:

Thanks for the advice. I’ve been looking at closer to the 5K mark and can still get a large lab grown rock at that price point. At what point would you say she’s made enough concessions, aside from just accepting a cheaper ring? I appreciate your perspective. It’s all a grey area.

See I am looking at it differently from "making concessions" on her behalf.  YOU ARE THE PRIZE, not the ring.  If you are marrying her, she should be excited as fuck.

It IS a grey area on the ring.  I am focusing more on "value" of ring vs value of you and the relationship. She has certain expectations and so do you.  A larger ring doesn't sound like a huge stretch, but again I look back on ring cost versus you wad saved for the eventual new home.  Clearly she likes nice things. You intimate that she got the vast majority of those nice things from men "throwing money at her."  This is not necessarily a negative, but it does raise red flag in my mind and always has, with ANY woman. Same for any man, but not my perspective and not the usual scenario, though that is changing as women bank more and more. Your combined comments regarding her upscale gifts and a concern of her being "easy pickings" is where I see you wondering out loud about, "Is she too hot for me?" You want to keep her happy and rightfully so, but I am also looking at the health of the relationship and "power" dynamics.  You have the power from the economic perspective, but it sounds like she has the power from the relationship perspective. I'm trying to make sure she truly loves you as much as you clearly love her.  Had you not mentioned high end clothing and her taste for expensive things I still would have asked about house vs ring, but those clues made me want to did deeper. 

Ultimately I would say buy her a bigger ring than she expects after you "explain things to her" regarding the home downpayment versus the size of the ring.  I would push the cost downward hopefully as a discussion towards a mutual bigger goal of building your life together.  Since you have decent income, I also would very likely get her something slightly larger than she expects in the end. Just for the fun of the surprise. You can always upgrade her rock later, but I am wary of the necessity of a large rock to "make her happy." I truly hope that the large rock is not her focus during the discussions. Normally I would BEG you sincerely to go to some sort of pre-marital counseling before actually tying the knot.  It sounds like your backgrounds are very different, and thus your natural expectations of the day to day working of the relationship may be vastly different.  Stupid shit like who does the bills, do we have joint checking, who does the dishes, shopping, how imortant are kids, how many, guy trips/girl trips, and on and on. Since you are living together a lot of the mundane shit is already apparent and you have adjusted accordingly.  

No matter if you get her a 2 carat rock or a labgrown less expensive rock, the size of the ring never, ever, ever has determined the viability of the relationship.  Ultimately do what makes YOU happy.  The good news is it sounds like making her happy makes you happy.  Which is EXACTLY as it should be.  But if her focus is more on the biggest rock possible than the biggest down payment possible...  I would get nervous.  You NEED to insert this into your relationship right now.  Sounds crazy I know, but marriage is ANYTHING BUT a nice uphill ascent.  It's the old you have to be cruel to be kind philosphy that is tried and true. The ultimate point is that YOU are the prize.  She is a prize too.  The ring is an object that is simply a marker of commitment.

I hope I have not freaked you out completely with my focus on the ring's value versus the relationship's value.  But it is a data point that is often the subject of push and pull in the relationship that casts the die for power dynamics for the entirety of the marriage.  Ideally you both want the other to be happy so you BOTH tend to  "sacrifice" for the happiness of the other.  If it's a you can take a boys trip, so I get a girls trip, counting and keeping a ledger, I never see those relationships work out.  I tend to spend most of my time with my wife, simply as we are best friend. In fact the only real hint I have for anyone is marry your friend.  Hell you can fall in "love" over happy hour, with a hot chick. 

Again I wish you the very best, and the fact you have been living together means you obviously enjoy each other's company on a dialy basis.  Push logically down on the size from a financial persepctive, then buy her something a little bit bigger than that, simply because YOU want to make her happy.  You have also given her certain expectations in ring shopping so expect some disappointment in the discussion on down sizing ring and upsizing down payment.  But it will be fun as hell to surprise her with something slightly larger, after her making the "concession" of a smaller ring to marry the man of her dreams!  

I probably would not have written such a diatribe if I had not seen so many divorces in the last few years seeing so many folks divorcing after their kids graduated high school. But as I said before, your best chance at marriage HAPPINESS and survival is to be best friends with your lover.

[I Plead Da Fif 272]

1 hour ago, horn4life said:

See I am looking at it differently from "making concessions" on her behalf.  YOU ARE THE PRIZE, not the ring.  If you are marrying her, she should be excited as fuck.

It IS a grey area on the ring.  I am focusing more on "value" of ring vs value of you and the relationship. She has certain expectations and so do you.  A larger ring doesn't sound like a huge stretch, but again I look back on ring cost versus you wad saved for the eventual new home.  Clearly she likes nice things. You intimate that she got the vast majority of those nice things from men "throwing money at her."  This is not necessarily a negative, but it does raise red flag in my mind and always has, with ANY woman. Same for any man, but not my perspective and not the usual scenario, though that is changing as women bank more and more. Your combined comments regarding her upscale gifts and a concern of her being "easy pickings" is where I see you wondering out loud about, "Is she too hot for me?" You want to keep her happy and rightfully so, but I am also looking at the health of the relationship and "power" dynamics.  You have the power from the economic perspective, but it sounds like she has the power from the relationship perspective. I'm trying to make sure she truly loves you as much as you clearly love her.  Had you not mentioned high end clothing and her taste for expensive things I still would have asked about house vs ring, but those clues made me want to did deeper. 

Ultimately I would say buy her a bigger ring than she expects after you "explain things to her" regarding the home downpayment versus the size of the ring.  I would push the cost downward hopefully as a discussion towards a mutual bigger goal of building your life together.  Since you have decent income, I also would very likely get her something slightly larger than she expects in the end. Just for the fun of the surprise. You can always upgrade her rock later, but I am wary of the necessity of a large rock to "make her happy." I truly hope that the large rock is not her focus during the discussions. Normally I would BEG you sincerely to go to some sort of pre-marital counseling before actually tying the knot.  It sounds like your backgrounds are very different, and thus your natural expectations of the day to day working of the relationship may be vastly different.  Stupid shit like who does the bills, do we have joint checking, who does the dishes, shopping, how imortant are kids, how many, guy trips/girl trips, and on and on. Since you are living together a lot of the mundane shit is already apparent and you have adjusted accordingly.  

No matter if you get her a 2 carat rock or a labgrown less expensive rock, the size of the ring never, ever, ever has determined the viability of the relationship.  Ultimately do what makes YOU happy.  The good news is it sounds like making her happy makes you happy.  Which is EXACTLY as it should be.  But if her focus is more on the biggest rock possible than the biggest down payment possible...  I would get nervous.  You NEED to insert this into your relationship right now.  Sounds crazy I know, but marriage is ANYTHING BUT a nice uphill ascent.  It's the old you have to be cruel to be kind philosphy that is tried and true. The ultimate point is that YOU are the prize.  She is a prize too.  The ring is an object that is simply a marker of commitment.

I hope I have not freaked you out completely with my focus on the ring's value versus the relationship's value.  But it is a data point that is often the subject of push and pull in the relationship that casts the die for power dynamics for the entirety of the marriage.  Ideally you both want the other to be happy so you BOTH tend to  "sacrifice" for the happiness of the other.  If it's a you can take a boys trip, so I get a girls trip, counting and keeping a ledger, I never see those relationships work out.  I tend to spend most of my time with my wife, simply as we are best friend. In fact the only real hint I have for anyone is marry your friend.  Hell you can fall in "love" over happy hour, with a hot chick. 

Again I wish you the very best, and the fact you have been living together means you obviously enjoy each other's company on a dialy basis.  Push logically down on the size from a financial persepctive, then buy her something a little bit bigger than that, simply because YOU want to make her happy.  You have also given her certain expectations in ring shopping so expect some disappointment in the discussion on down sizing ring and upsizing down payment.  But it will be fun as hell to surprise her with something slightly larger, after her making the "concession" of a smaller ring to marry the man of her dreams!  

I probably would not have written such a diatribe if I had not seen so many divorces in the last few years seeing so many folks divorcing after their kids graduated high school. But as I said before, your best chance at marriage HAPPINESS and survival is to be best friends with your lover.

I think in your psychoanalysis of our relationship you are only getting part of the real picture. I brought up some fears which yielded insecurities, sure, however, I was selling short the reality of my day to day life. I tend to not brag about all the good things going on with a girl that’s way hotter than friend’s wives, because I’m not looking to push every friend of mine away.

With that said, we are best friends that spend every day together. She’s addicted to hanging out with me. “Everything is more fun with you, etc”. We’re not the same person and that greatly enriches our relationship. We compliment each other extremely well and in the the past 2 years of living together not only have we grown as a couple, but as individuals bettering ourselves. I’ve been in enough long term relationships to know you have to see that so that you can grow together for the rest of your lives. Not only her, but her entire family loves me, and I meet a lot of aunties and uncles, cousins, etc. and I’m a second dad to her 10 year old sister and 15 year old brother. To the point that her parents have told her don’t fuck this up, because of how he treats you (non monetarily, as an equal human being with respect). She stopped drinking entirely because I told her she has a problem (and I did too) from a drinking too much when we drink standpoint, so we stopped together before anything happened in our relationship that we couldn’t take back and grow from.

i appreciate your perspective, even though I didn’t appreciate your tone at the beginning. If I were to psycho analyze you, it would seem that after 33 years of marriage, maybe you’re not so happy given your natural proclivity (and possible projection of what you wish you did) to be overly aggressive and angry first thing in the morning with comments on a message board where someone is a) putting themselves out there to be vulnerable on a site of assholes and b) looking for an honest variety of opinions. But that’s neither here nor there.

She knows I’m the prize and tells me that every day, and backs it up with actions. If I don’t think she’s doing enough or the right things to show it, because we show our love in different ways and prefer to receive it in different ways, I tell her and she adjusts to make me happy.

The size of the ring was first suggested by me, because that’s how much I love her, how much she means to me, and because I can. With that said, I’ve made a variety of decisions in the past that someone who is fiscally mature and financially responsible would not always make, so I have a lot to learn in that department. With that said, she’s been pushing for us to live more and more frugally so that we can have a nicer house and live a more fulfilling live with activities rather than a nicer restaurant on Friday nights and nicer threads for ourselves.

She wants a Radiant cut, which is cheaper and shows even larger than its carat weight, and is forgiving of inclusions (read lower price point). I can get a lab grown 2 carat for 6K and under that will both make her feel incredible and her family will have the wow factor when I get on one knee in front of them at their Christmas party and it won’t ruin us financially going forward, which is what I plan to do.

I’ve gotten out of this what I had hoped, and honestly what I should have expected from this site. I have cut my target price point in half thanks to the great advice of you fine people. In addition, we won’t be spending much at all on a wedding, because she is happy to have it at a backyard or park, because she wants to save money for a house and really just wants her family there, because ultimately that’s what matters to her most.

[horn4life 3760]

Your elaborations are great. Paint a much fuller picture.  I wouldn't worry about me, happy as a lark even after 33 years.  I am however brutally honest, but I can see how some find it overly aggressive. But the words I spoke were golden truth... for ANYBODY!

I still would suggest pre-marital counseling, but I would suggest that for anyone.  Simply as it's nice to make sure that "we are all on the same page" expectations wise. 

Again good luck and best wishes.

[JimmyHoffa 1188]

3 pages in and nobody has brought this up????? This place is slipping.

 

I will just throw in my two cents-

The size of the rock is just a piece of the puzzle. Having a huge rock that looks like shit because it's low quality you might as well give her one from a vending machine. 

Color and clarity are just as important (in my opinion), the higher up the scales the more it's going to cost. 

For your salary I don't think $10K is crazy but also think a 2 carat ring for that price means it's not a great looking diamond. If size is what you are after have at it but I think you are missing the boat. 

Also one cut will "look bigger" than another cut even though they are the same number of carats. 

Stay away from the mall jewelers or big chains. If possible go to a local jeweler that has been around for a long time and take your time in choosing, get educated before making a decision. They will give you the ins and outs of what part of the scale is important and what can't be seen by the naked eye, etc. 

In my opinion upgrading later is silly. I have been married for 15 years and I could afford to upgrade now but my wife would look at me like I was crazy if I even mentioned it. To her it has sentimental value. You can always buy her other jewelry. 

Good luck and congrats.  

[Fudge Nuggets 19190]

On 4/19/2019 at 2:14 PM, immortal13 said:

When it is, I am going to take her hiking and propose next to an old bench that we carved our names into about 6 months ago. It took me over 40 years to find someone like her , and I really can't wait. 

What kind of 40+ year-old man goes around committing acts of vandalism like this?

You should be ashamed of yourself.

[luke duke 6413]

[NeverMarryAStripper 21907]

What kind of 40+ year-old man goes around committing acts of vandalism like this?
You should be ashamed of yourself.

[Armybrat 40849]

On 4/26/2019 at 7:56 AM, Fudge Nuggets said:

What kind of 40+ year-old man goes around committing acts of vandalism like this?

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Never been to The Tavern?

[pops 6985]

I can't wait for this dude's posts in the wives and the stupid shit they say/do thread. 

[immortal13 4059]

37 minutes ago, pops said:

I can't wait for this dude's posts in the wives and the stupid shit they say/do thread. 

Honestly, I can't wait to make contributions to that thread.