Florida Man Steals Drugs, They Turn Out to be Crappy

[Walden Ponderer 12639]

Unlucky Florida Man Thought He Was Stealing Opioids, But They Were Laxatives

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Unlucky Florida Man Thought He Was Stealing Opioids, But They Were Laxatives Via NBC Miami
 

A Florida man got more than he expected after he decided to steal drugs from a Pinellas County home, believing the pills he was stealing were powerful opioids. Turns out, the man was shocked after the opioids turned out to be laxatives! According to an arrest affidavit, Peter Hans Emery mistakenly stole “gentle laxatives” believing they were hydrocodone, which is a powerful narcotic. He eventually threw the pill bottle he stole when he realized they were “something else.”

The bottle, which was labeled hydrocodone-acetaminophen, actually contained ‘Equate Gentle Laxatives’ from Walmart that are meant for “gentle dependable overnight relief.” No the type of relief he necessarily wanted, but surely enough, a relief. I really have to give him this one because this is definitely a shitty situation to be in.

Fifty-six-year-old Peter Hans Emery Jr. faces a felony petit theft charge after cameras allegedly caught him opening a lock box and dumped pills into his hand, according to WPEC.

The Pinellas County Sheriff’s office was able to catch Emery after obtaining surveillance video that showed Emery breaking into a lockbox at the victim’s residence on Lake Allen Drive in Pinellas Park, and was seen putting the “opioids” into his hands. He then left the residence with the medication.

Emery, who reportedly has prior theft convictions, admitted to police that he didn’t have permission to take the pills. He retrieved two of the pills from his trash to show officers and was quickly arrested. The 56-year-old faces several probation violation charges including a felony charge of petit theft.

The question here is, if the opioids weren’t in the prescribed bottle, then where are they? Did someone else steal them and replace them with laxatives? So many questions here, what kind of home is this anyways? Florida, oh Florida.

 

[Llano Estacado 1257]

When you’re popping pills and shit gets real, diarrhea. diarrhea

When you’re a bad thief and there’s a squish in your briefs, diarrhea. diarrhea

When you swallow from rando bottles then do the duck waddle, diarrhea. diarrhea

[ChickenSandwich 9922]

Read OP as 

Uncle Florida-Man. Has a nice ring to it 

[Parliament 14569]

Got caught stealing drugs and found himself in...

Deep shit.

[BBQ2Bayou 807]