Jump to content

Cell Phone Flop Out

HOOK'EMHOOAH

By HOOK'EMHOOAH
in Football

 Share

Recommended Posts

  • Popular Post
HOOK'EMHOOAH

HOOK'EMHOOAH 1606

Posted
  • Popular Post
Posted

Texas Football Fan's Diary

A chronology of events for Saturday, December 4, 1999, and the early morning hours of Sunday, December 5, 1999:

6:00 AM - Arise, play the Eyes of Texas and Texas Fight at full-freaking blast

6:20 AM - Get in car, drive to New Braunfels

7:30 AM - Tee off (me and a buddy were the FIRST tee-time of the morning)

8:50 AM - Turn 9 (crack open first beer)

8:53 AM - Crack open second beer

8:58 AM - Crack open...(you get the idea)

10:30 AM - Finish 18 (holes, as well as beers), sign scorecard for smoooooth 95

10:35 AM - Headed for San Antonio

10:50 AM - Buy three 18-packs for pre- and post-game festivities

11:10 AM - We decide we don't have enough booze, so we double-back to a liquor store and buy the good
ol' 750 ml plastic bottle "Traveler" Jim Beam

11:50 AM - Arrive at the tailgate spot. Awesome day. Not a single cloud in the sky. About 70 degrees.

11:55 AM - I decide that we're going to kick the shit out of Nebraska.

11:56 AM - I tell my first Nebraska fan to go fuck himself.

12:15 PM - The UT band walks by on the way to the Alamodome. We’re on the second floor of a two-story parking garage on the corner (a couple hundred of us). We're hooting and hollering like wild men. The band doubles back to the street right below us and serenades us with Texas Fight and The Eyes of Texas. AWESOME MOMENT.

12:25 PM - In the post-serenade serendipity, 50-100 grown men are bumping chests with one another, each and every one of them now secure and certain of the fact that we are going to kick the shit out of Nebraska.

1:00 PM - The Nebraska band walks by on the way to the Alamodome. Again, we hoot and holler like wild men. Again, the band doubles back and stops right below us to serenade us, this time, however, with the Nebraska fight songs. *Although somewhat impressed by their spirit and verve, we remain convinced that we are going to kick the shit out of Nebraska.

1:30 PM - I begin the walk to the Alamodome, somehow managing to stuff the "Traveler" and 11 cans of beer into my pants.

1:47 PM - I am in line surrounded by Nebraska fans. They are taunting me. I am taunting back, still certain that we are going to kick the shit out of Nebraska. I decide to challenge a particularly vocal Nebraska fan to play what I now call and will forever be remembered as "Cell-Phone Flop Out." Remember flop out for a dollar? The rules are similar. I tell this Nebraska jackass that if he’s so confident in his team, he should "flop out" his cell phone RIGHT NOW and make plane reservations to Phoenix for the Fiesta Bowl. And then I spoke these memorable words: "And not those damn refundable tickets, either! You request those non-refundable, non-transferable sons-of-bitches!" He backs down. He is unworthy. I call Southwest Airlines and buy two tickets to Phoenix, non-refundable and non-transferable. Price: $712. He is humbled. He lowers his head in shame. I raise my cell phone in triumph to the cheers of hundreds of Texas fans. I am KING and these are my subjects. I distribute the 11 beers in my pants to the cheering
masses. I RULE the pre-game kingdom.

2:34 PM - Kickoff. Brimming with confidence, I open the Traveler and pour my first stiffy.

2:45 PM - I notice something troubling: Nebraska is big. Nebraska is fast. Nebraska is very pissed off at Texas.

3:01 PM - The first quarter mercifully ends. 9 yards total offense for Texas. Zero first downs for Texas. I'm still talking shit. I pour another stiffy from the Traveler.

3:36 PM - Four minutes to go in the first half: the Traveler is a dead soldier. I buy my first $5 beer from the Alamodome merchants. While I am standing in line, a center snap nearly decapitates Major Applewhite and rolls out of the end zone. Safety.

3:56 PM - Halftime score: Nebraska 15, Texas 0. I wish I had another Traveler.

4:11 PM - While urinating next to a Nebraska fan in the bathroom at halftime, I attempt to revive the classic Brice-ism from the South Bend bathroom: "Hey, buddy, niiiiiiiiice cock." He is not amused.

4:21 PM - I buy my 2nd and 3rd $5 beer from the Alamodome merchants.. I share my beer with two high school girls sitting behind me. Surprisingly, they are equipped with a flask full of vodka. I send them off to purchase Sprites, so that we may consume their vodka. I have not lost faith. Nebraska is a bunch of pussies.

4:51 PM - No more vodka. The girls sitting behind me have fled for their lives. I purchase two more $5 beers from the Alamodome merchants.

5:18 PM - Score is Nebraska 22, Texas 0. I am beginning to lose faith. This normally would trouble me, but I am too drunk to see the football field.

5:27 PM - I call Southwest Airlines: "I'm sorry, sir. Those tickets have been confirmed and are non-refundable and non-transferable."

5:37 PM - I try to start a fight with every person behind the concession counter. As it turns out, the Alamodome has a policy that no beer can be sold when there is less than 10 minutes on the game clock. I am enraged by this policy. I ask loudly: "Why the fuck didn't you announce last call over the fucking PA system??!!"

5:49 PM - Back in my seats, I am slumped in my chair in defeat. All of a sudden, the Texas crowd goes absolutely nuts. "Whazzis?," I mutter, awaking from my coma, "Iz we winnig? Did wez scort?" Alas, the answer is no, we were not winning and we did not score. The largest (by far) cheer of the day from the Texas faithful occurred when the handlers were walking back to the tunnel and Bevo stopped to take a gargantuan shit all over the letters "S", "K", and "A" in the "Nebraska" spelled out in their end zone. I cheer wildly. I pick up the empty Traveler bottle and stick my tongue in it. I am thirsty.

6:16 PM - Nebraska fans are going berserk as I walk back to the truck. I would taunt them with some off-color remarks about their parentage, but I am too drunk to form complete sentences. With my last cognitive thought of the evening, I take solace in the fact that if we had not beaten them in October, they would be playing Florida State for the national championship.

6:30 PM - Back in the car. On the way back to Austin for the 8:00 Texas-Arizona tip off. We can still salvage the day! I crack open a beer. It is warm. I don't care.

7:12 PM - We have stopped for gas. I am hungry. I go inside the store. I walk past the beer fridge. I notice a Zima. I've never had a Zima. I wonder if it's any good. I pull a Zima from the fridge. I twist the top off and drink the Zima in three swallows. Zima sucks. I replace the empty bottle in the fridge.

7:17 PM - There is a Blimpie Subs in the store. I walk to where the ingredients are, where the person usually makes the sub. There is no one there. I lean over the counter and scoop out half a bucket of black olives. I eat them. I am still hungry. I lean further over the counter and grab approximately two pounds of Pastrami. I walk out of the store grunting and eating Pastrami. The patrons in the store fear me. I don't care.

8:01 PM - We are in South Austin. I have been drinking warm beer and singing Brooks and Dunn tunes for over an hour. My truck-mate is tired of my singing. He suggests that perhaps Brooks and Dunn have written other good songs besides "You're Going to Miss Me When I'm Gone" and "Neon Moon" and that maybe listening to only those two songs, ten times each was a bit excessive. Perhaps, he suggests, I could just let the CD play on its own. I tell him to fuck off and restart "Neon Moon."

8:30 PM - We arrive at the Erwin Center. My buddy, against my loud and profane protestations, parks on the top floor of a nearby parking garage. I tell him he's an idiot. I tell him we will never get out. I tell him we may as well pitch a fucking tent here. He ignores me. I think he's still pissed about the Brooks and Dunn tunes. I whistle "Neon Moon" loudly.

8:47 PM - I am rallying. I have 4 warm beers stuffed in my pants. We're going to kick the shit out of Arizona.

9:11 PM - Halftime score: Texas 31, Arizona 29. I am pleased. I go to the bathroom to pee for the 67th time today. I giggle to myself because of the new opportunity to do "the bathroom Brice." There are no Arizona fans in the bathroom. I am disappointed. I tell myself (out loud) that I have a "Niiiiiice cock." No one is amused but me.

9:41 PM - I walk to the bathroom while drinking Bud Light out of a can. Needless to say, they do not sell beer at the Erwin Center, much less Bud Light out of a can. An usher stops me: "Where did you get that, sir?" I tell him (no shit): "Oh, the cheerleaders were throwing them up with those little plastic foot balls. Would you mind throwing this away for me?" I take the last swig and hand it to him. He is confused. I pretend I'm going to the bathroom, but I run away giggling instead. I duck into some entrance to avoid the usher, who is now pursuing me. I sneak into a large group of people and sit down. The usher walks by harmlessly. I am giggling like a little girl. I crack open another can of Bud Light.

9:52 PM - I am lost. In my haste to avoid the usher, I have lost my bearings. I have no ticket stub. I cannot find my seats. Texas is losing.

10:09 PM - Texas is being screwed by the refs. I am enraged. I have cleared out the seats around me because I keep removing my hat and beating the surrounding chairs with it. A concerned fan asks if I’m OK and perhaps I shouldn't take it so seriously. I tell him to fuck off.

10:15 PM - After the fourth consecutive "worst fucking call I have EVER seen," I attempt to remove my hat again to begin beating inanimate objects. However, on this occasion I miscalculate and I thumbnail myself in my left eyelid, leaving a one-quarter inch gash over my eye. I am now bleeding into my left eye and all over my shirt. "Perhaps," I think to myself, "I'm taking this a bit seriously."

10:22 PM - I am standing in the bathroom peeing. I;m so drunk I am swaying and grunting. I have a bloody napkin pressed on my left eye. My pants are bloody. I have my (formerly) white shirt wrapped around my waist. I look like I should be in an episode of Cops.

10:43 PM - Texas has lost. I put my bloody white shirt back on my body and make my way for the exits. I am stopped every 20 seconds by a good Samaritan/cop/security guard to ask me why I am covered in blood, but I merely grunt incoherently and keep moving.

10:59 PM - With my one good eye, I have located the parking garage. I walk up six flights of stairs. . . promise that when I see my friend I will punch him in the face for making me walk up six flights of stairs. . . find the truck .. . . and collapse in a heap in the bed of the truck. I look around and notice that traffic is lined up all the way around the garage, six whole flights, and no one is moving . . . I take a nap.

11:17 PM - I awake from my nap. I see my friend in the driver's seat.. I lift my head to look out the bed of the truck and notice that traffic is lined up all the way around the garage, six whole flights, and no one is moving. I am too tired to punch my friend. I call my friend a "Stupid cocksucker."

11:31 PM - I lift my head to look out the bed of the truck and notice that traffic is lined up all the way around the garage, six whole flights, and no one is moving. I call my friend a "stupid cocksucker."

11:38 PM - I lift my head to look out the bed of the truck and notice that traffic is lined up all the way around the garage, six whole flights, and no one is moving. I call my friend a "stupid cocksucker."

11:47 PM - I lift my head to look out the bed of the truck and notice that traffic is lined up all the way around the garage, six whole flights, and no one is moving. I call my friend a "stupid cocksucker."

11:58 PM - I am jostled. The truck is moving. I lift my head to look out the bed of the truck and notice that traffic is beginning to move on the second floor. I jump out of the truck, walk to the edge of the parking facility, and pee off the sixth floor onto the street below. My friend looks at me like I just anally violated his minor sister. I turn around and pee on the front of his truck while singing the lyrics to "Neon Moon."

12:11AM - We are moving. We are out of beer. I jump from the truck and go from vehicle to vehicle until someone gives me two beers. I am happy. I return to my vehicle.

12:26 AM - We have emerged from the parking facility. We make our way to my apartment and find Ed sitting on the couch with a freshly opened bottle of Glenlivet on the coffee table in front of him. . . . . We are all going to die tonight.

12:59 AM - We have finished three-quarters of the bottle of Glenlivet. We decide it would be a wonderful idea to go dancing at PollyEsther's. Ed has to pee. He walks down the hall to our apartment and directly into the full-length mirror at the end of the hall, smashing it into hundreds of pieces. We giggle uncontrollably and leave for PollyEsther's.

1:17 AM - The PollyEsther's doorman laughs uncontrollably at our efforts to enter his club. "Fellas," he says in between his fits of spastic laughter, "I've been working this door for almost a year. I've been working doors in this town for almost 5 years. And I can honestly say that I ain't never seen three drunker motherfuckers than you three. Sorry, can't let you in." We attempt to reason with him. He laughs harder.

1:44 AM - We find a bar that lets us in. We take two steps in the door and hear "Last call for alcohol!" I turn to the group and mutter: "See, dat wasn't that fuckin' hard. Day don't fuckin' do that at the Awamo...the awaom...the alab....fuck it, that stadium we was at today..." We order 6 shots of tequila and three beers.

2:15 AM - Back on the street. We need food. We hail a cab to take us the two and one half blocks to Katz's. The cab fare is $1.60. We give him $10 and tell him to keep it.

2:17 AM - There is a 20-minute wait. We give the hostess $50. We are seated immediately.

2:25 AM - We order two orders of fried pickles, a Cobb salad, a bowl of soup, two orders of Blueberry blintzes, two Rueben sandwiches, a hamburger, two cheese stuffed potatoes, an order of fries, and an order of onion rings.

2:39 AM - The food arrives. We are all asleep with our heads on the table. The waiter wakes us up. We eat every fucking bit of our food. Most of the restaurant patrons around us are disgusted. We don't give a fuck. The tab is $112 with tip.

2:46 AM - I'm sleepy.

9:12 AM - I wake up next to a strange woman. She is the bartender at Katz's. She is not pretty.

  • Hook 'Em 2
  • Like 17
  • Haha 7
Link to comment
Share on other sites
DigglerontheHoof

DigglerontheHoof 21052

Posted
Posted
On 4/1/2018 at 7:35 AM, Majorcholas said:

This and the UT pimp are my favs from old shag

Cell phone flop out is from hornfans...helll maybe before that.  There was also a story on HF years ago by some dude named Frogshido, or something like that.  It was about his night out in Dallas years ago...can't remember much about it other than he was conceal carrying and funny as shit. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites
DanTheHorn

DanTheHorn 4897

Posted
Posted
On 4/1/2018 at 3:10 AM, HOOK'EMHOOAH said:

2:25 AM - We order two orders of fried pickles, a Cobb salad, a bowl of soup, two orders of Blueberry blintzes, two Rueben sandwiches, a hamburger, two cheese stuffed potatoes, an order of fries, and an order of onion rings.

 

I bet you can't eat like that anymore without consequences. I miss those days myself.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Landomatic

Landomatic 3813

Posted
Posted
On 4/1/2018 at 10:52 AM, bschoolprof said:

Much of that post is embellished no doubt, but the  poster died of a heart attack in his 40s, so maybe that was a typical weekend.  

If I remember right, that guy was also a huge douchebag IRL.  I mean like extreme dumbass clown show.  Still have no clue how that big of a tool could have penned something so awesome as that one magical post.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
AnotherLawyer

AnotherLawyer 383

Posted
Posted
2 minutes ago, Landomatic said:

If I remember right, that guy was also a huge douchebag IRL.  I mean like extreme dumbass clown show.  Still have no clue how that big of a tool could have penned something so awesome as that one magical post.

He was a lawyer, right? Pretty much all lawyers are tools.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Landomatic

Landomatic 3813

Posted
Posted
12 minutes ago, bschoolprof said:

IIRC, he started a thread on shaggy called something like "the top 10 fails of the little bobby stoops era" and the thread did not go well.  Shoulda quit while he was ahead.  Better to burn out than fade away.  

Yeah not sure if it was that thread or not, but he pretty much went down in a “wanting to fight everyone and telling anyone who would listen that he was the one who originated that one awesome post” blaze of internet glory.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Armybrat

Armybrat 40725

Posted
Posted
On ‎4‎/‎1‎/‎2018 at 10:52 AM, bschoolprof said:

Much of that post is embellished no doubt, but the  poster died of a heart attack in his 40s, so maybe that was a typical weekend.  

Actually, Bluto Belushi died in his early 30s.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Born Burnt

Born Burnt 6147

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, bschoolprof said:

IIRC, he started a thread on shaggy called something like "the top 10 fails of the little bobby stoops era" and the thread did not go well.  Shoulda quit while he was ahead.  Better to burn out than fade away.  

Yeah, definitely my favorite thread from the old site. So many classic responses. Here's the original post (unfortunately the formatting got fucked up, which I blame Kevin Morgan for): 

 

10-31-2011 04:34 PM #1
dipshit Array
Join Date
Oct 2011
Posts
45
 

The Top 10 OU Meltdowns in the Little Bobby Stoops Era

Hello Shaggy Bevo-ers:

I have been a recent addition to the site, but LOVE what I see. You guys can BRING IT.  

I thank Jason for allowing me to start this thread, despite the fact that I just joined ShaggyBevo.  

I think I got a "pass" to start this thread because I have a bit of literary "street cred"--at least insofar as it comes to my Texas Longhorns.  

Why?  

Well, my name is J.D. Horne, and I authored the 1999 Nebraska-Texas "GAMEDAY" e-mail that circled the globe a million or so times over a decade ago.  

If you haven't read that e-mail or don't know the story behind it, shame on you. The goddamn e-mail (which I originally sent to ONE HUMAN) changed my life. The least you can do is take 10-15 minutes and read the fucker. Here's a link to it below, if you'd like to have a look---it's like seeing an old friend you haven't seen in a long time.

http://40acresports.blogspot.com/200...for-horns.html

Suffice to say this: I am not a prolific poster, but when I post something, I generally have something worthwhile (or at least mildly amusing) to say.  

For today, and in the wake of yet another HUMILIATING, INEXPLICABLE OU loss to a pissant team, I offer you the "Top 10 OU Meltdowns" in the Little Bobby Stoops era:

The Top 10 dumbfounding, humiliating, visor-tossing losses in the Little Bobby Stoops era:

As an initial note, you should know that with the exception of TWO of these utterly humiliating defeats, OU was ranked in the TOP THREE (as indicated) for every soul-crushing loss. In all 10 games except a couple of games (where noted), OU's opponent was unranked.

Another worthwhile note: during the Mack Brown era, Mack has had a team ranked in the TOP TEN lose to a UNRANKED team a sum total of FOUR times. In 14 years.

Little Bobby has done it 17 times. Alas that I only decided to pick the TEN most degrading losses.

(for the purposes of this exercise, I will omit all of the national championship game beatdowns--they're in a class all to themselves):

10.
Colorado 27
(3) OU 24
(2007)
Oklahoma players strutted their arrogant asses into Boulder for an early season "cakewalk" and the OU faithful moved their trailer park of a state temporarily to the beautiful confines of Colorado, expecting an ass-whipping of epic proportions as a 20+ point favorite. They limped their sorry asses back to Sooner land on the wrong end of the scoreboard to an unranked Colorado team that finished 6-7 that year. Ohhhhhhh, but this was only the first game of a 2007 tit-sucking trifecta, as three of the best Bob Stoops era meltdowns come from 2007. Keep reading.

9.
TCU 17
(7) OU 10
(2005)
I'm sorry. Real football programs just don't lose HOME openers (yes, the game was in Norman) to the fucking unranked TCU Horned Frogs. You just don't. You know how the unranked Froggies celebrated their victory over the mighty Sooners? By losing to SMU the very next week 21-10. SMU finished 5-6 that year, with TCU being the only team SMU played in the Top 50 of the final computer rankings.

8.
Oklahoma St. 38
(3) OU 28
(2002)
Still reeling from their inexplicable loss to an ABYSMAL Texas A&M team a few weeks earlier when OU was ranked #1 (see humiliating loss #7, below), OU had somehow fumble-fucked their way back into the national title hunt and needed to merely beat the very average Cowboys (6-5 at the time) to secure a spot in the BCS Title game for the 2nd time in three years. And it ain't like the fucking Sooners lacked any motivation here, folks. I mean, just the year before, the Sooners had been knocked out of the BCS National Title game by losing to a horrific OSU team IN NORMAN (again, you'll have to wait for details on the 2001 epic gag-job, as it's much higher in the rankings). But for the 2nd time in 3 weeks, an OU team ranked #1 and #3, respectively, lays a big, fat egg against an unranked opponent. And don't even think for a fucking second the 38-28 final is representative of how badly OU was humiliated in this game: they trailed 35-6 in the 3rd quarter. Reports circulated after this second consecutive loss to OSU, that because of a lost wager, Little Bobby Stoops had to attend the post-game press conference with his own visor shoved up his ass and a remote controlled 100-volt electrode attached to each testicle. At the other end of that remote control, you ask? T. Boone Pickens...laughing his ass off.

7.
Texas A&M 30
(1) Oklahoma 26
(2002)
Just weeks before the aforementioned Oklahoma State debacle (Year II), when Little Bobby had to have his visor removed from his ass with a pair of very long needle-nosed pliers by the proprietor of Bobby Joe's Tires, Lube Jobs, and Cold Near-Beer (an establishment on the outskirts of Norman long known for its talent--and discretion --at removing large objects, alive or dead, from Sooner anal cavities), Little Bobby Stoops suffered an even larger indignity. Ranked #1 in every poll and undefeated in mid-November, they probably could've played the 2nd team the rest of the year and made it to the BCS National Championship game, as they did not have a single ranked team remaining on the schedule. So they showed up in College Station (if I may make an obscure "A Few Good Men" -Jack Nicholson reference) in their "faggotty-ass white uniforms" and apparently "asked nicely" if a shitty A&M team led by a freshman quarterback wouldn't mind bitch-slapping them across their faces hard enough to lower their cumulative "football player GPA" of 1.0. Note to OU: 1.0 GPA = bad. 1.0 ranked-team in the nation losing in mid-November to a suckbag Aggie squad = unfathomably bad. Sorry to use big words. Carry a dictionary, Soonerfan.

6.
Texas Tech 34
(3) OU 27
(2007)
This is "Game 2" of the Terrible OU Trifecta of 2007. Well, terrible for every fat, myopic Sooner fan. Absolutely marvelous for those of us that root for injuries and meltdowns every time OU straps on the Crimson and Cream and steps on the football field. Even though the Sooners had lost a couple of hundred Twinkie-eating 300-pounders after the Colorado loss earlier in the year, they had somehow squirmed their miserable asses back into the BCS title hunt, needing only to get by a weak Texas Tech squad to "stay the course." And, to be precise, I'm not referring to 300-lb football players here. I'm talking fat-ass fans lost in the despair of the post-Colorado-loss doldrums. Through a tragic combination of suicides (let me ask you this: have you EVER seen more people CRYING in the stands after OU takes their near-annual ass-whipping from a mediocre-bad football team?? It's absurd. And fucking hilarious), trailer pile-ups on the Interstate, and a few tragic incidents of "OU Fan Waffle House Syndrome": a relatively rare ailment exclusive to Sooner fans in which they half-choke, half-drown themselves in a 7-lb plate of 14 fried eggs and hash browns smothered, covered, bruised, battered, buttered, and devoured. But I digress. Blow-U had actually managed to get back into the title game picture, only to YET AGAIN get ass-reemed by an unranked Tech squad. Absolutely awesome job, Little Bobby "Whoops."

5.
(11) West Va. 48
(3) OU 28
(2007)
Which segue ways beautifully into the Third Game of the OU 2007 "Suckfest" Trifecta. Now, OU had just admittedly punked a #1 Missouri team to knock them and their midget quarterback out of the BCS title game and claim yet another meaningless Big 12 Championship. Soonerfan loooooooooves to talk about their Big 12 Championships. Why? Because it deflects attention from their utter failures and cataclysmically bad record in BCS Title Games and BCS bowl games. Lemme give you a hint, Soonerfan: in modern football, no one gives a FLYING FUCK about "conference championships," unless they're a means to an end: the BCS National Championship--the Holy Grail (and the only thing that matters) in modern college football. In a day and age where teams change conferences like high school crushes, no one (except you) gives a SHIT about winning the conference title, except that it's generally a precursor to get into the BCS Title game (but see: Nebraska [2002] and OU [2008]). And you've won like 14 "Big 12 Championships" in 11 years, parlayed those into 4 appearances in the "Big Game," and what do you have to show for it?? Precisely one National Title. ONE. You're like the Atlanta Braves of major college football. And in those 4 games, you're a SOLID 1-3 in BCS Title games and an almost equally stellar 1-2 in "standard" BCS games. "WAIT A MINUTE" (I hear the cries from Norman already)!!!! We're 2-2 in "standard" BCS games!!!! I'm sorry, Blow-U, you don't get credit for beating UConn in 2011. Beating the shit out of 5 guys wearing tank tops, shorts, and Air-Jordans just does not count as a legitimate BCS football bowl game victory. Fuck off. But, again, I digress. This game--other than the USC national game--was quite simply the biggest "laydown" job of a supposed top 5 program in the short history of BCS bowls and showed the complete lack of character of you OU fuckholes. Coming in as a two-touchdown favorite against a collection of 5'9" white-guys-sons-of-coal-miners with 4.6 40-speed and four junior college transfers, you were absofuckinglutely bludgeoned by a half-rate team from a fifth-tier state. If the good Lord were going to give the USA a well-needed enema, he'd either stick it in West Virginia or Oklahoma. With this fucking dismal performance, you made the choice easy for him. PATHETIC.

4.
(13) Kansas St. 35
(1) OU 7
(2003)
Love or hate the BCS system, in roughly 15 years of operation, it has crowned a unified, undisputed national champion every year. Save one. And guess the ONLY college football team in BCS history to fuck it up and cause a split national championship. You guessed it: the Oklahoma Sooners. They tweaked the system after this year, of course: rebooted their asshole computers, revoked the privileges of voters and computer programmers, and took similar measures so that you land-thieving assholes could NEVER back your way into a title game again, predictably get your asses whipped, and steal half a National Championship from two actual worthy teams. Had you a single ounce of self-respect, you would have voluntarily withdrawn from the BCS Title game and gone to the Sun Bowl or the Poulan Weedeater Bowl where you belonged. Kansas State lost to the Aggies in a similar scenario in a Big 12 Championship Game (except the game was close--in fact, it went to overtime if memory serves) and they tumbled from the BCS title game to the fucking Alamo Bowl. The same fate was deserved by you cocksuckers. So now LSU has to have a constant pissing match with USC over 2003. The sports writers--who were the only ones smart enough to vote USC ahead of an LSU team who just beat an OU team that wasn't even a conference champ and lost by FOUR touchdowns to a decent, albeit 2nd tier Kansas St team--get ostracized from the entire BCS process. Because of you assholes. You should have been ashamed and humiliated to even take the field against LSU (thus the #4 ranking for this game in the LONG list of OU humiliating losses). Had you lost 21-20 on a missed extra point, a fluke play, or crazy circumstances, then MAYBE I see you making the argument that you belong in the title game. But THIRTY-FIVE to SEVEN. Fuck off, Little Bobby, you groveling worm. You got what you deserved in the title game: a good ass-whipping and generations of hatred from two more states: Louisiana & California. Not that we'd need them as allies if Texas ever decided to just take your pissant state. If I had ONE spec of desire to own Oklahoma, I'd just troll around on opening day of deer season, get about 15-20 truckload of drunk guys with rifles, drive over the Red River, and you'd roll over like France inside 48 hours.

3.
Oklahoma St. 16
(3) OU 13
(2001)
OH
MY
GOD....
I have SUCH a hard time not putting this epic OU meltdown at #1. The fact that there are two losses by OU that are MORE humiliating than this debacle I hope will finally stick a fork in the notion that there EVER existed a "Big Game Bob." The evidence suggests quite otherwise: that "Little Bobby Stoops" is a fraud and perhaps the most overrated coach in the country. Little Bobby does ONE THING well--most every year, he outcoaches a very average University of Texas coaching staff, and every third year or so, he beats the ever-loving shit out of Texas (I'll say it: I remember 63-14, 65-13, and this year's 55-17). Apparently, that's enough in Oklahoma to satisfy the fat, sweaty masses. Hell, it's enough to build statues of Little Bobby. I can tell you one thing: Texas just doesn't give NEAR that much of a shit about OU. Don't get me wrong, I despise OU with all my soul, but if a University of Texas head coach had an 8-5 record against OU, but posted the 10 losses on this list, PLUS the national championship game meltdowns, the other BCS bowl meltdowns, PLUS the numerous losses that were AWFUL but didn't make this list (because I cut it off at 10), Texas Nation would be screaming for his head on a plate and I would be leading the chants. But for OU Nation, so long as Little Bobby is 8-5 against Texas, his bowel movements are floral scented and he can do no wrong. Personally, as a Texas fan, 5-8 against OU in the last 13 years is painful, but acceptable. We had ALL 13 years under an abysmal offensive coordinator in Greg Davis and a revolving door of serviceable defensive coordinators. And he's only up 8-5 on Texas? Thank God for Vince Young and Colt McCoy: without two of the best quarterbacks to ever play the game, Little Bobby might be 11-2 against Texas. I'll GIVE you assholes that. Bob Stoops and his staff can outcoach the FORMER staid and stiff UT coaching staff (but watch out you fuckers, let's see where we are in about two years when Harsin and Diaz have their feet underneath them and their own recruits). But yet again, I digress. Let's get to ALL the reasons why I CANNOT believe this is NOT the #1 most humiliating loss in the Little Bobby Stoops era:

--OU was ranked #3 in the nation, they were the defending national champions, with still a chance to make the national title game and defend their title with a victory.
--This was quite possibly the single worst Oklahoma State team of the last quarter-century. They entered the game 3-7, with victories over Louisiana Tech, Northwestern State, and Baylor to their credit. A veritable "murderer's row" in the victory column.
--OSU's win over Baylor was the week before the OU game. OSU squeaked out a comeback win against the Bears, whose loss to OSU was their EIGHTH consecutive loss in a 2-9 campaign.
--Had OSU not beaten the Bears to extend Baylor's losing streak to 8, OSU would have brought their own 6-game losing streak into the game in Norman.
--Yes, you read that correctly: the fucking game was in Norman. The #3 Sooners against an andolutely atrocious 3-7 Cowboy team in NORMAN.
--OU was favored by more than 30 points.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????

2.
Texas Tech 41
(1) OU 38
(2011)
For about the 19th time in 13 years of the Bob Stoops era (and I’m almost not exaggeratingâ€â€because I’m counting the time the dumbass lost to a shitty team yet somehow worked his way back into the national championship conversation), Oklahoma controls its own destiny to the BCS national title game. For about the 15th of those 19 times, Little Bobby Stoops loses a game that is so astounding in its scope, that words simply cannot explain it. Here we are in mid to late-October, the beginning of the stretch run, and OU can conceivably put it on cruise control until what is expected to be a CLASSIC matchup of an undefeated OU team against an undefeated Oklahoma State team on December 3. They passed the early test against a clearly overrated #5 ranked Florida State club early in the season. They pummeled Texas. They still have to play decent to average Big 12 teams mind you: road tests at a decent Kansas State club and a dangerous Baylor team and Iowa State and a decent Aggie team, but they get the last two in Norman. And, anyway, OU’s coaches have surely figured out the easiest way to beat A&M: give them a 17 point lead or higher in the 3rd quarter and watch them melt down (SEC doormats, here we come!). But down to brass tax: OU will be at LEAST two touchdown favorites in every football game they play until Oklahoma State. And the rankings are taking care of themselves. OU is ranked anywhere from #1 to #4, depending on who you talk to, but Alabama and LSU play each other in early November and, of course, OU will play OSU in what the arrogant Sooners (and strangely arrogant Cowboys) are already touting as the “biggest game in the history of Oklahoma.†Win out, and play in the BCS title gameâ€â€likely against the winner of the LSU/Alabama showdown. Texas Tech wasn’t supposed to be a blip. OU was favored by 30 points. The game was in Norman. Tech is struggling mightily to adjust to Tommy Tuberville after 10 years of video game bullshit under Mike Leach. This is the kind of game OU takes 65-0. Because if Little Bobby Stoops isn’t losing to utterly inferior talent, he’s embarrassing them. I remember the 77-0 unnecessary pounding of the Aggies in Norman (as I’m sure the Aggies do). Little Bobby either bullies the little piece of shit teams, or he outright loses to them. Now, OU’s national title hopes are completely in the shitter. They have too many teams to wade through, and all because they can’t take care of a THIRTY POINT underdog at home. You have to understand, peopleâ€â€this is CLASSIC Little Bobby Stoops. Yes, he beats Texas more than he loses. But that’s ALL HE FUCKING DOES. Say what you want about Mack Brown and Texas and all the (admittedly) sketchy coaching of the last dozen years, Mack has NEVER lost to a 30 point dog at home. Little Bobby does it every couple of years. Scratch thatâ€â€he’s actually only lost 3 or 4 times in Norman in 13 years, but at least 2 of them kept the Sooners out of the title game. So when Little Bobby’s Sooners lay an egg, they lay a DOZEN ROTTEN ones. To be fair, Texas lays its eggs (and most of them in last year’s disastrous meltdown of a season). But Mack just does not lose to utterly inferior opponents with the frequency or on the scale that OU does. In other words, with Mack as Captain the ship, Texas has blown a few props. Since Little Bobby took over and has been Captain of the OU ship, he just flat out sinks the fuckers. I meanâ€â€you might as well “go Titanicâ€Â, eh, Bobby? WOW. And I was conflicted whether to put this as high as number 2 in humiliating lossesâ€â€because I think OU’s an over-rated team this year anyway and are just NOT in the same area code as LSU or Alabama. The best they could have hoped for is to back in to another national title game and get kicked in the teeth by another SEC team. That actually would have been funny. BUTâ€â€when the SAME Texas Tech team that marched out of Norman with a victory against the Sooners got their ass handed to them by Iowa State 41-7 (yes, FORTY-ONE to SEVEN) the very next week, I had no choice but put this game at number two. Iowa State is abysmal. Tech is 34 points worse than Iowa State. And OU lost at HOME to the Sand Aggies. Inexcusable.  

1.
(9) Boise St. 43
(7) Oklahoma 42
(2006)
This is the second greatest football game ever played. The first, of course, is Texas 41, USC 38, when Vince Young and company came to California and bitch-slapped the “greatest college football team ever assembled†(as many pundits called USC). With their two Heisman winners in the backfield. The two-time defending national champions. Something like 38 games in a row they’d won. And Pete Carroll strolls his arrogant ass out onto the field like he’s playing UCLA in a scrimmage. Then he got a little taste of Vince Young up his ass. But damnit, I digress yet again. Sorry, OU. I’ll get to why this is the 2nd greatest football game ever played. And you know what? I’ve never seen the entire football game. I’ve only seen the last 45 seconds. But I’ve seen the last 45 seconds about 500 times. I actually tuned in live because I got a call from a friend that Boise St. was about to beat the Sooners and, being an connoisseur of OU humiliations, I flicked it onto the channel. Unfortunately, I tuned in JUST at the moment that OU was intercepting a pass and running it back to tie the score, and then almost immediately scoring its go ahead touchdown to make it 42-35, with like 35 seconds left in the game, and Boise St. either low or out of time outs. “Fuck meâ€â€those rotten land-thieves are going to get out of this game with a win.†The OU bench and the OU kickoff team assholes were dancing around and hollering and beating their chests like Mel Gibson and his fellow Scotsman after they beat the English at Stirling. What a spectacle. You guys get your ass kicked for 58 and a half minutes of the game, the Boise State quarterback has one “brain fart†and you’re Kings of the World? Act like you’ve been there, Blow-U. Oh…wait, I thought. This was a big, hairy deal for OU. They hadn’t won a BCS game in like three decades, back when they were running the wishbone. Ohâ€â€how the mighty have fallenâ€â€they have to act like they’ve won the Super Bowl when they beat a Boise State team they were 22 point favorites to beat. Anyway, I’m watching the game out of the corner of my eye, about to change channels. Boise State has moved it up to around mid-field, but there’s only 4 seconds left, so we’re just going to get the heave-ho into the end zone and it’ll be over. And then, my friends….then, just at that exact momentâ€â€other than Vince scampering into the end zone on 4th and 5 against USC to win the National Championship, the single greatest two minutes (4 seconds of game clock) in the history of college football ensues. First, OU falls for the “Hook and Lateral†(or “Hook and Ladder†as it’s known in these southern parts). No time left on the game clock, a Boise St. midget catches ball at the 40 yard line and laterals it to a smaller midget running like a streak of blue and white. OU is apparently trotting towards the locker room already, because midget #2 doesn’t see another OU player until he gets to about the 10 yard line, where he cuts at an angle and dives into the corner of the endzone by the pylon. OH. MY. GODDDDD. We’re going to OVERTIME. I am cackling like a rooster with pneumonia. I am literally laughing so hard that OU fell for the Hook n’ Ladder that I injure a rib because my laughing leads to coughing which leads to a rib injury. Then they show Little Bobby Stoops on the sideline. He is moving that visor back and forth, moving his head from side to side looking for SOMEONE to explain to him what the fuck just happened. I’m not sure Little Bobby thought the Hook n’ Ladder was a legal play as he was (a la Billy Martin) asking the referee to check the football for too much Pine Tar. Then Little Bobby just crosses his arms like the little bitch petulant child that he is and stares in disbelief at the concept of going in to overtime. I sit my ass down in the chair, still holding my sides laughing. HOLY SHIT. They’re not kicking it. HOLY SHIT. They’re going for TWO. No fucking way. This little pissant school from pissant city from pissant state (but, for the record, I’d work at a McDonald’s in Boise before I lived in Oklahoma) is about to put it ALL ON THE LINE on one play against Little Bobby Stoops. Seeâ€â€this is something “Big Game Bob†would do, if there ever was a fucking “Big Game Bob.†This prick never existed. And these last FOUR seconds of the 2nd greatest college football game EVER proved it. He was outcoached, outplayed, outclassed, outhustled, and outsmarted. And then, as a cherry-on-topâ€â€they trick-fucked him on the two-point conversion and dusted off the Statue of Liberty play. I’m fairly certain that other than at my daughter’s flag football games, I had seen the Statue of Liberty play run exactly….ZERO times in my roughly 35 years as a football fan. LITERALLY. I had never seen the play run, and Boise State calls it against Little Bobby Stoops to WIN THE GAME on a two-point conversion. No overtime. No coin flip. Fuck you, Bob. We’re the Boise State Broncos and we’re about to shove this potato right up your ass. Predictably, since no OU athlete had ever seen the Statue of Liberty play, been prepped to defend it, and never mind actually watching film (film just makes OU players sleepy), the Boise State running back scampered untouched into the end zone. Boise State wins. Little Bobby’s visor went airborne and he stood there with the most absolute classic “WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?†look on his face, it was my screen saver for two years. But I’m not done. Oh, no. Guy that scores the winning 2-pt conversion runs straight over to the cheerleading squad, drops to a knee, and proposes to his cheerleader girlfriend. On national TV. While Little Bobby is skulking off the field, still bitching about Pine Tar. Yes, Blow-Uâ€â€I know you’ve been beaten by lesser teams. MANY times. Yes, I know you’ve gotten humiliated in countless national championship games. Yes, I know I’ve chronicled what I think are the 10 most humiliating OU losses in the Bob Stoops era, and you may be asking yourself how this game can possibly be number one? They weren’t ranked much apart (although OU was a 17 point favorite). No national championship implications. But here’s the deal:

When you actually figure out how to fuck it up so badly and lose a game:

1) When the opponent is clearly inferior;
2) You have a 7 point lead;
3) There is 4 seconds on the game clock;
4) The other team is at midfield with ZERO time outs;
5) You’re such dumbasses that you’re likely all standing back there staring at the sky waiting for the “Hail Mary†while a little guy runs right past you using the Hook n’ Ladder;
6) He scores almost untouched;
7) You still have a chance to salvage victory by stopping a gutsy two-point conversion call;
8) But you fall for the Statue of Liberty;
9) The FUCKING Statue of Liberty;
10) I just CAN’T STAND IT: the GODDAMN Statue of Liberty (shit, there goes another rib);
11) And while you’re all running one wayâ€â€the running back walks untouched into the corner of the end zone that you’ve just vacated. 
12) And that’s not even the end of it;
13) While you’re all standing around with your hands on your hips looking like the assholes you are (asking each other asking each other “Why the fuck is Coach is yelling about Pine Tar?â€Â);
14) The guy that just drove the final nail in your coffin is on bended knee, holding a football and a ring, proposing to his girlfriend.  
15) Boys and girlsâ€â€it just doesn’t get ANY better than that.  

I look forward with GREAT anticipation to the next OU meltdown with Little Bobby Stoops at the helm. Coming SOON to a football stadium near you.  

Giddy Up.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Horn Dogg

Horn Dogg 3807

Posted
Posted

It was an awesome shit show!  Started out with the above post and ended in the OP challenging a sooner to a spelling be for $100,000 and someone taking pictures of the OPs gut at an underground poker tournament in Austin.  There was a bunch of other funny shit in there as well, I have no clue how that thread never made it into classics.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
bschoolprof

bschoolprof 6232

Posted
Posted (edited)
6 minutes ago, Landomatic said:

Was just reminded of that time that one poster went missing and in a totally unrelated post, everyone realized the poster was the person who was killed in Dallas with his wife or something.  Damn that was some creepy shit.

It was his girlfriend I think and they went joyriding with a guy they met in a bar.  A creepy and tragic story, and a bizarre shag to real-world connection second only to the "txtow is the rock thrower; rock thrower is txtow" connection.  

Edited by bschoolprof
  • Hook 'Em 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
bschoolprof

bschoolprof 6232

Posted
Posted (edited)

Poster called txtow starts a thread about sticking it to towing companies, largely based on towing signage that does not comport with the law.  He quickly becomes a shag hero because fuck the police and fuck the man.  Sure, he seems a little off, but the thread is entertaining. His real name comes out and someone finds out he's been arrested or convicted of child molestation/sexual assault.  He disappears and shag has lost a hero.

Meanwhile, around the same time, there's a series of rock throwing incidents (at cars, causing serious injury and death) across Austin that go unsolved.  It's all over the news.  There's a long thread devoted it to it.  They guy is finally arrested by police and wait . . . is that the pedo txtow guy from the towing thread?  Sure as fuck is.  Holy shit.  Post arrest he claims he has AIDS and is crazy.  Peak shaggy.  

 

Edited by bschoolprof
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Eastwood

Eastwood 4394

Posted
Posted

At Black Sheep Lodge, we were having a pretty big Shaggy HH and it was loud in that back room. Ank ordered 24 or some odd Jager shots for a memorial rally Jager in honor of Kenny and Kaat. Waitress comes back with some tater tots. Apparently, it was so loud she misheard him. "Why the fuck would I order 24 tater tots? Jager! JAGER!" She was a good sport about it.

RIP Kenny

  • Haha 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites
HOOK'EMHOOAH

HOOK'EMHOOAH 1606

Posted
  • Author
Posted
18 hours ago, Eastwood said:

At Black Sheep Lodge, we were having a pretty big Shaggy HH and it was loud in that back room. Ank ordered 24 or some odd Jager shots for a memorial rally Jager in honor of Kenny and Kaat. Waitress comes back with some tater tots. Apparently, it was so loud she misheard him. "Why the fuck would I order 24 tater tots? Jager! JAGER!" She was a good sport about it.

RIP Kenny

Reminds me of this: 3UHI.gif

Link to comment
Share on other sites
HOOK'EMHOOAH

HOOK'EMHOOAH 1606

Posted
  • Author
Posted
18 hours ago, GlenFromTheMailRoom said:

I can't be the only person thinking this....

"1:30 PM - I begin the walk to the Alamodome, somehow managing to stuff the "Traveler" and 11 cans of beer into my pants."

How the hell did you manage this? Obviously cargo pants right?  

This was the era of JNCOs, it was more than possible.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Landomatic

Landomatic 3813

Posted
Posted
5 minutes ago, tbone_ said:

Wait, someone called ABIA to page Nick Saban just to fuck with everyone? If so, that's awesome.

 

Yeah, it was one of the greatest shaggy moments of all time.  Pretty sure some legit news places even picked it up.  I remember hearing about it (I think outside of shaggy) and someone jokingly asking which one of us assholes did it.  Turns out it was one of us assholes.  Can't remember which one, though.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
B00M

B00M 6280

Posted
Posted

At least the 2nd time I've read this, but i'm not hungover, so it may not be as new next time. It feels appropriate to listen to "neon moon" about 10 times consecutively to honor this degenerate cocksucker and the rise and fall of the shag.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
 Share
Go to topic listing


Football ... Basketball ... Baseball ... Other Sports ... Futbol ... 🤫995🤫 ... Gambling ... Movies & TV ... Music ... Hobbies ... Lulz ... Food & Travel ... Daily Texan ... Business and Markets ... Cloak Room ... Help ... For Sale ... Board Discussion ... Subscribe!... Donate!... Advertise... COOKIE MONSTER!

×
×
  • Create New...