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Father's Day Question: How do dads live with being MIA?

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Father's Day has changed from a day I used to loathe as a kid, into one I cherish as a dad. My dad left our family when I was 9.  I saw him for one day when I was 16.  I have neither seen nor spoken with him since. He spoke with our grandmother very rarely, but even with his own mom he would check in and then she wouldn't hear from him for 2 years.  She died about 8 years ago.  Probably around the age of 35 or so, I finally let go of my hate for him and tried to start looking for him, if for no other reason but to tell him I forgave him, whatever that might be worth.  Problem was/ is that he lives off the grid and I have been unable to locate him.  As of today, we do not know if he is dead or alive, even with so many resources at our fingertips.  I have had people with LE resources try and locate him.  I have checked every known address in the past 20 years in which he lived( about 8-9 locations in Houston area.)  Every time someone tries to help me with more intel, it always spits out the known addresses I have already checked.

Since he left, I selfishly hated him for leaving his kids( me, in particular  LOL) and hurting our mom.  As an adult and especially after I became a dad myself, my perspective changed into wondering about his feelings as opposed to mine.  Did he feel any different on Father's Day as the years have progressed?  Did he feel guilt/ blame/ remorse/ relief?  I would truly love to have the opportunity to talk with him and find out.  He is( would be) 79.  He was a heavy smoker and had terrible diet/ exercise habits.  It would actually surprise me if he's still alive.  After all of this time, i still have a shit-ton of questions.  Did you watch me grow up?  Have you kept up with what i was doing as an adult?  Why did you stay away?  How did you cope with holidays/ family times throughout the years?

I want to ask these things, yet another side of me says, "Fuck it.  Dad's not walking through those doors, so why do you keep going there?"  

Thoughts?  In the bigger picture, how do dads live with just fucking leaving?   Is it over?  Do they remember?  Are they tortured by it?

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MaybeACoordinator

MaybeACoordinator 8350

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Sorry for your grief...

Who knows? My mom abandoned me, and started a whole 'nother family. Then we reconciled and she wound up abandoning all of them too. She was an addict / alcoholic.

I really believe the shame she felt in letting us all down on such a fundamental played a role in her addictions.

 

Was that part of your dad's deal too?

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RDCanecutter

RDCanecutter 26858

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1 hour ago, slorch said:

Father's Day has changed from a day I used to loathe as a kid, into one I cherish as a dad. My dad left our family when I was 9.  I saw him for one day when I was 16. 

My brother from another!

My Dad lit out for good when I was about 15. Through the years I was told that the Red Cross would track him down and he would respond "if he wanted to." Fuck that shit. When I was early-30s I had an odd sort of day that ended up with me walking into a credit-checking agency (it was the 90s, forms were on paper), handing the lady my ID (I have my dad's name), and spouting his SSN from memory. If they saw that I was a young-looking 60, they didn't mention it.

They handed me a computer print-out of all my store credit cards in the San Antonio area. That night, my girlfriend, who was also a criminal, called those stores pretending to be my dad's second wife, just to confirm that they had the right phone number and address for "us", so we wouldn't miss any payments dontcha know.

(Pretty sure the statute of limitations is done for all this fraud. If not, please find me a jail with fried bologna sandwiches and not those damn microwaved Hot Pockets.)

Anyway, Criminal Girlfriend was Bored Girlfriend the next day, because she jumped the gun, dialed them up, and set the reunion in motion. We were in San Antonio that weekend, and I stayed in touch with my dad, sometimes staying with him, until he died 20 years later at 80.

My dad had a lot of things he was ashamed of, and it didn't help that he racked up new deeds with his second wife, who was probably well-aware of how easy it would be to lose him. As I get older, I sometimes make the same stumbles he did, not all of them, but I add a few of my own to make up for it. We had some good and some bad memories from after I tracked him down. I'm glad I did it. I am also glad he didn't raise me. That's just how it is.

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RDCanecutter

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1 hour ago, slorch said:

After all of this time, i still have a shit-ton of questions.  Did you watch me grow up?  Have you kept up with what i was doing as an adult?  Why did you stay away?  How did you cope with holidays/ family times throughout the years?

Thoughts?  In the bigger picture, how do dads live with just fucking leaving?   Is it over?  Do they remember?  Are they tortured by it?

With my dad, it was hard to get answers, because the flip-side of his good-time Charley party act was that he'd turn into a rock when it concerned his inner emotions. EG: once after I moved to Texas I invited him to come see my little bar band, and he said he would. We do the whole gig, me watching the door, he never shows. No explanation. Well, maybe 14 years later, he lets slip he missed that gig because that was the day he got diagnosed with cancer. So, hey, pretty good reason in that and some other cases, he just never bothered to share the info.

According to his second wife, after my parents split and we moved in with my grandmother, he would sometimes park next to a church across the street and watch her house to see if he saw us. Second wife wasn't from our town, so for her to know about that probably means it happened. He also had the idea that I would enlist in the Air Force, so when he would go on base in San Antonio with his Air Force nurse second wife, she said he would scan platoons of trainees my age to see if he saw them. My step-sister told me after his death that when she was little, my dad and her mom would argue about whether he should go check on his son.

We had a connection that was still there when I found him again. Maybe it was there while he was gone-- in my 20s I had a vivid dream about him where he was in a trailer on a rocky hillside, at night, weeping. I woke up thinking it was New Mexico, I dunno. After I tracked him down, years later I found out that I had the dream during a time where he and his second wife had split up, and he had lived in a travel-trailer on the rocky Hill-Country lot where they'd later build their house. That's not the only odd coincidence, but I don't feel like going Twilight Zone.

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1 hour ago, MaybeACoordinator said:

Sorry for your grief...

Who knows? My mom abandoned me, and started a whole 'nother family. Then we reconciled and she wound up abandoning all of them too. She was an addict / alcoholic.

I really believe the shame she felt in letting us all down on such a fundamental played a role in her addictions.

 

Was that part of your dad's deal too?

We don't know.  We do know he left for another woman.  He was on OTR trucker and was in the Houston area a lot.  She lived down there.  She passed away about 4 years ago.

Something else that complicates any understanding is that when he was around and at home, he was a great dad.  My wife and I will be talking and i say something about playing card games as a family and some of the great memories I have of going to ball games, him working with us on sports, and stuff like that.  It always ends with her saying, "That makes no sense to abandon your kids with no apparent trigger or catalyst.   When he was around, you always talk about how good it was."

As a kid, you totally do not understand your world getting blown apart by divorce.  As a grown ass man, I can understand two people going their separate ways and my parents splitting up.  I never have understood totally dropping out of your kids' lives.  It does not compute.  Neither does leaving contact with his mom.

If it was addiction, he kept it VERY well hidden, as well as any side effects/ goofy behavior.

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Knoxtnhorn

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To the OP... Precisely what I thought when I was going through my own ordeal.

Long story short.  Ex got pregnant in '96.  We broke up - not by my own doing.  It got ugly - i.e. courts.  Ex put an offer on the table.  Leave (Knoxville), sign away your parental rights, you'll never have to pay a cent of child support.  It was tempting because, A) this was before my daughter was born, so there was no real connection and, B) I really, REALLY wanted to come back home (Texas).  BUT, the thought of having a child, somewhere out there, that I had nothing to do with... nope.

I stuck it out.  Worked two jobs, 70 hours a week, went through several years of being really poor and paying lawyers, courts, child support, etc... My daughter and I are very close.

She is now 21, attending MTSU, and interning at a music production company.  She's flying down Tuesday, and I cannot wait.

I'm truly sorry for those that don't have a father or mother in their lives.  As a teacher, I see it FAR more often than I should.  It's bullshit to bring a child into the world and not be there for them.

 

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luke duke

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4 hours ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

To the OP... Precisely what I thought when I was going through my own ordeal.

Long story short.  Ex got pregnant in '96.  We broke up - not by my own doing.  It got ugly - i.e. courts.  Ex put an offer on the table.  Leave (Knoxville), sign away your parental rights, you'll never have to pay a cent of child support.  It was tempting because, A) this was before my daughter was born, so there was no real connection and, B) I really, REALLY wanted to come back home (Texas).  BUT, the thought of having a child, somewhere out there, that I had nothing to do with... nope.

I stuck it out.  Worked two jobs, 70 hours a week, went through several years of being really poor and paying lawyers, courts, child support, etc... My daughter and I are very close.

She is now 21, attending MTSU, and interning at a music production company.  She's flying down Tuesday, and I cannot wait.

I'm truly sorry for those that don't have a father or mother in their lives.  As a teacher, I see it FAR more often than I should.  It's bullshit to bring a child into the world and not be there for them.

 

Pics of your daughter?

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F250

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5 hours ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

I stuck it out.  Worked two jobs, 70 hours a week, went through several years of being really poor and paying lawyers, courts, child support, etc... My daughter and I are very close.

Knoxtnhorn es un hombre!

Seriously, this is the behavior of a Man.

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Beau Vine

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9 hours ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

To the OP... Precisely what I thought when I was going through my own ordeal.

Long story short.  Ex got pregnant in '96.  We broke up - not by my own doing.  It got ugly - i.e. courts.  Ex put an offer on the table.  Leave (Knoxville), sign away your parental rights, you'll never have to pay a cent of child support.  It was tempting because, A) this was before my daughter was born, so there was no real connection and, B) I really, REALLY wanted to come back home (Texas).  BUT, the thought of having a child, somewhere out there, that I had nothing to do with... nope.

I stuck it out.  Worked two jobs, 70 hours a week, went through several years of being really poor and paying lawyers, courts, child support, etc... My daughter and I are very close.

She is now 21, attending MTSU, and interning at a music production company.  She's flying down Tuesday, and I cannot wait.

I'm truly sorry for those that don't have a father or mother in their lives.  As a teacher, I see it FAR more often than I should.  It's bullshit to bring a child into the world and not be there for them.

 

<applause and bowing, would buy beer for you>

9 hours ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

She's asked for 3 things for next week - Whataburger, BBQ, and beer.  She's damn near one of us.

Damn good dad, evidently, too.  

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ImissWallyPryor

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I have a particularly close relationship with one of my three daughters. She’s always telling me about the drama with her college friends and roommates; excessive drinking, promiscuity, abusive boyfriends, cheating on boyfriends,  -  you name it. She’s basically big sis, designated driver, nursemaid, and counselor to these girls.

I asked her recently if any of these girls had a good relationship with their dads, and she said, “Not a single one.”

We all like to joke about desperate sloots, but we all know how to dramatically reduce the chances it will be our daughters on the other side of these jokes.

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ButtFumble

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Just now, ImissWallyPryor said:

I have a particularly close relationship with one of my three daughters. She’s always telling me about the drama with her college friends and roommates; excessive drinking, promiscuity, abusive boyfriends, cheating on boyfriends,  -  you name it. She’s basically big sis, designated driver, nursemaid, and counselor to these girls.

I asked her recently if any of these girls had a good relationship with their dads, and she said, “Not a single one.”

We all like to joke about desperate sloots, but we all know how to dramatically reduce the chances it will be our daughters on the other side of these jokes.

snapchats of roommates

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MissingInAction

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12 hours ago, ImissWallyPryor said:

I have a particularly close relationship with one of my three daughters. She’s always telling me about the drama with her college friends and roommates; excessive drinking, promiscuity, abusive boyfriends, cheating on boyfriends,  -  you name it. She’s basically big sis, designated driver, nursemaid, and counselor to these girls.

I asked her recently if any of these girls had a good relationship with their dads, and she said, “Not a single one.”

We all like to joke about desperate sloots, but we all know how to dramatically reduce the chances it will be our daughters on the other side of these jokes.

Young women with serious daddy issues are a national treasure. 

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jimmyjazz

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I have thoughts from a couple of different perspectives.  My Dad's father bolted when my Dad was about two years old.  My grandmother divorced him, but kept his name.  (Things were different then.)  My Dad seemed to mostly pity the guy.  I always wondered how he felt about carrying that name.  His father was a shiftless drunk.  My Dad grew up to be the opposite, an absolute pillar of the community and a terrific professor.

I married someone who had two kids.  Their dad essentially vacated his responsibilities once he and my now-wife split.  He moved out of state, eventually out of country, and completely punted on many hundreds of thousands of dollars of child support and retirement money.   My wife couldn't care less about the money, but his attitude towards his kids is reprehensible.  I went into our marriage determined to be super-stepdad, and let me tell you, it's fucking hard.  In our case, it's damn near impossible.  There is a lot of lingering resentment over the divorce, huge cultural differences (I am my avatar, my stepkids are half-Bengali), and in general things have worked out "OK" but hardly great.  I'm sure I could have done better.  How?  I have no idea.  It's maddening.  All I know is I took on another man's kids and have done my best to raise them as my own.  If I had a nickel for every time I wanted to tell that fucker to man up I'd be rolling in nickels right now.

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BigHorn'13

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To answer OP's original question-- in my experience, they care more about themselves than their kids. Now sometimes there maybe other things going on but most can be summed up by they just didn't care enough (if at all.)

Mine's a piece of shit gooner who was constantly in and out of my life. His justification was paying CS. In his mind, that was good enough to alleviate any responsibility he had. Last time I talked to him was when I told him I was attending UT and that was that. I've come to peace in knowing that my father is a douchebag and hates himself too much to have loved me. 

16 hours ago, Beau Vine said:

Man, this just got me: 

 

Hits way too close to home. I celebrated my first father's day without the biological getting his court ordered visits. Hasn't seen him in almost a year (yet another dead beat "dad"), which is the best thing for my son and perfectly fine by me. The last piece of him that hangs around like a virus is the last name. Can't wait for the day that it is no longer. Kinda like GTF said, I KNOW I won't be able to keep it together. 

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SHOOTER12

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On 6/16/2019 at 12:59 PM, Knoxtnhorn said:

To the OP... Precisely what I thought when I was going through my own ordeal.

Long story short.  Ex got pregnant in '96.  We broke up - not by my own doing.  It got ugly - i.e. courts.  Ex put an offer on the table.  Leave (Knoxville), sign away your parental rights, you'll never have to pay a cent of child support.  It was tempting because, A) this was before my daughter was born, so there was no real connection and, B) I really, REALLY wanted to come back home (Texas).  BUT, the thought of having a child, somewhere out there, that I had nothing to do with... nope.

I stuck it out.  Worked two jobs, 70 hours a week, went through several years of being really poor and paying lawyers, courts, child support, etc... My daughter and I are very close.

She is now 21, attending MTSU, and interning at a music production company.  She's flying down Tuesday, and I cannot wait.

I'm truly sorry for those that don't have a father or mother in their lives.  As a teacher, I see it FAR more often than I should.  It's bullshit to bring a child into the world and not be there for them.

 

I have always enjoyed your posts on The Surly and on that other site.  This post spells out exactly what a father should be.  Reminds me of what went on in my life back in '75, and reaffirms I made the correct, if very difficult decision.

While you sir are in no way a pussy, you're going up on a pedestal...of what a father should be.

Happy belated Father's Day 

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Knoxtnhorn

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12 minutes ago, SHOOTER12 said:

I have always enjoyed your posts on The Surly and on that other site.  This post spells out exactly what a father should be.  Reminds me of what went on in my life back in '75, and reaffirms I made the correct, if very difficult decision.

While you sir are in no way a pussy, you're going up on a pedestal...of what a father should be.

Happy belated Father's Day 

Thanks for the kind words.  I'll say there are many folks on this site that - once you get past the bluster and CR stuff - are great people.  I've got proof.

A little over 2 years ago, I had mentioned something about having a really rough day at school.  I had a kid that had been visibly abused by his stepmother.  I had to call DPS.  At the time, I was teaching in a very, very poor school in TN.  Like the aforementioned, many of the students I taught had been dealt a bad hand in life.  Someone suggested raising money for the kids so that I could buy them something to make their lives a little better.  What started as a, "Cool.  A few bucks to buy every student in my class a book" turned into, "Holy Cow people!  I can buy the entire 3rd grade something educational AND something recreational!" I can't recall the total, but it was something around $2,000, from many different donors, entirely given without asking.  In addition to learning items and toys, I was able to treat the entire school to a cupcake party on the last day.

I'll never forget this.

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SHOOTER12

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1 hour ago, jimmyjazz said:

I have thoughts from a couple of different perspectives.  My Dad's father bolted when my Dad was about two years old.  My grandmother divorced him, but kept his name.  (Things were different then.)  My Dad seemed to mostly pity the guy.  I always wondered how he felt about carrying that name.  His father was a shiftless drunk.  My Dad grew up to be the opposite, an absolute pillar of the community and a terrific professor.

I married someone who had two kids.  Their dad essentially vacated his responsibilities once he and my now-wife split.  He moved out of state, eventually out of country, and completely punted on many hundreds of thousands of dollars of child support and retirement money.   My wife couldn't care less about the money, but his attitude towards his kids is reprehensible.  I went into our marriage determined to be super-stepdad, and let me tell you, it's fucking hard.  In our case, it's damn near impossible.  There is a lot of lingering resentment over the divorce, huge cultural differences (I am my avatar, my stepkids are half-Bengali), and in general things have worked out "OK" but hardly great.  I'm sure I could have done better.  How?  I have no idea.  It's maddening.  All I know is I took on another man's kids and have done my best to raise them as my own.  If I had a nickel for every time I wanted to tell that fucker to man up I'd be rolling in nickels right now.

How??? Just keep doing the right thing, because it is the right thing.  Don't be harsh on yourself.  The ex doesn't matter, he's garbage.  Just keep loving them like they're your own....cuz they are. God brought them into your life for a reason.

We're both passengers on the same boat on this one.  The seas get rough and stormy, but it's worth every bit of love and effort you put into it.

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SHOOTER12

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6 minutes ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

Thanks for the kind words.  I'll say there are many folks on this site that - once you get past the bluster and CR stuff - are great people.  I've got proof.

A little over 2 years ago, I had mentioned something about having a really rough day at school.  I had a kid that had been visibly abused by his stepmother.  I had to call DPS.  At the time, I was teaching in a very, very poor school in TN.  Like the aforementioned, many of the students I taught had been dealt a bad hand in life.  Someone suggested raising money for the kids so that I could buy them something to make their lives a little better.  What started as a, "Cool.  A few bucks to buy every student in my class a book" turned into, "Holy Cow people!  I can buy the entire 3rd grade something educational AND something recreational!" I can't recall the total, but it was something around $2,000, from many different donors, entirely given without asking.  In addition to learning items and toys, I was able to treat the entire school to a cupcake party on the last day.

I'll never forget this.

I remember that and just how awesome it was.

If we're not careful, we're going to ruin our reputation....you know...as assholes?

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Brisketexan

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I've known of a handful of moms that have done it, and I can't get that, either. Just doesn't compute.

Shit, I've said before that I think the saddest place in the world is the airport late on a Sunday afternoon.  It's full of divorced dads, putting their kids on a plane back home to mom after their custodial weekend with dad.  That very sight is one of the reasons that no matter how challenging things got with me and the missus from time to time, I did all I could to fight off divorce.  I didn't want to say goodbye to my kids on a Sunday afternoon.

But for some folks, that's not as much of an issue.  I don't get it, but that doesn't make it any less true.  For those of you who experienced that....shit, I'm sorry.  To go all Good Will Hunting, you know it's not your fault.  All you can do is to try to be a good man.  Be a good father.  And, if the opportunity is right, to forgive.  You gotta walk your own path, but experience tells me it's best walked looking forward, not backwards.  In any case, I sure do wish you all peace.

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Guest Lobo

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Mine left when I was 9.  Thinks were ‘okay’ between 9-14, all things considered.  Then awful from 14-26.   We tried for a few years after that and I actually looked forward to our phone calls, then he died when I was 28.  Anyway, just background color to empathize with some of y’all.  

I think about this notion a lot, particularly in light of father’s day and now having two daughters.  You let your mind drift to what you would do for your children, particularly the young ones.  Even the shitty absentee dads, you give them the choice of taking a bullet, hiking 3 days in a blizzard, even sawing off a limb to save their child.  I think we’d be surprised at how many would do it, more than you’d think I believe.  Then I realized that’s not the hard part.  That’s nature.  A few days or even weeks of pain and suffering to see my girls again, or even to save one of them.  I’d do it in a heartbeat because that ability was coded into my bones 100,000 years ago.  

The miracle of what we’d for our children, where nature separates the fathers from the guys...it’s what many of you are describing.  It’s the strength and love to grind away for years, decades.  To ache each day to find the balance between providing and personally being there for them.  Being strong and stern, but soft and cuddly.  To live with the quiet anxiety of knowing you’ll never get it right, they may never love you as much as you love them, to know your fears will never end.  Even your wife may not now.  But you carry that worry with you as a source a pride.  That’s what’s hard.  Some dads literally give an organ or take a bullet, it is the decades of grinding that I hope to survive.  Not for me, for my girls.  To endure so I can offer one hug or Little nugget of wisdom 15 years from now.  All we can do is keep ourselves in a position to be there for them some day down the road.  On some idle Tuesday when the shit hits the fan, and everything I put in for all the years prior to that enable me to help her.  That’s the challenge.  That’s the journey.  That’s what’s fucking hard.  And I admit it’s really tough.  Yeah yeah, it’s worth it.  I read the greeting cards.  I mean, it’s okay to sit back and grin because we are doing a 40 year job that less than .1% of all the dads in history ever  did.  Of course it’s worth it, because we’re all doing it without ever considering there was an alternative.  It was always supposed to be us.  We were meant for them.  

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You don't know me

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33 minutes ago, Brisketexan said:

I've known of a handful of moms that have done it, and I can't get that, either. Just doesn't compute.

Shit, I've said before that I think the saddest place in the world is the airport late on a Sunday afternoon.  It's full of divorced dads, putting their kids on a plane back home to mom after their custodial weekend with dad.  That very sight is one of the reasons that no matter how challenging things got with me and the missus from time to time, I did all I could to fight off divorce.  I didn't want to say goodbye to my kids on a Sunday afternoon.

But for some folks, that's not as much of an issue.  I don't get it, but that doesn't make it any less true.  For those of you who experienced that....shit, I'm sorry.  To go all Good Will Hunting, you know it's not your fault.  All you can do is to try to be a good man.  Be a good father.  And, if the opportunity is right, to forgive.  You gotta walk your own path, but experience tells me it's best walked looking forward, not backwards.  In any case, I sure do wish you all peace.

Last weekend I was hauling around my boys and a couple of friends of one of them.  One of the extras was talking about how he had never met his mother.  Said that she just left and his dad has been raising him alone since.  It broke my heart to hear that coming from a child.  That kid has to ask himself why she left and didn't want him, although it's about the 'mom' and what she is lacking, not what the kid did wrong.

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Beau Vine

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1 hour ago, You don't know me said:

Last weekend I was hauling around my boys and a couple of friends of one of them.  One of the extras was talking about how he had never met his mother.  Said that she just left and his dad has been raising him alone since.  It broke my heart to hear that coming from a child.  That kid has to ask himself why she left and didn't want him, although it's about the 'mom' and what she is lacking, not what the kid did wrong.

I hope you went all Robin Williams and told him that it's not his fault.

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Beau Vine

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1 hour ago, SHOOTER12 said:

How??? Just keep doing the right thing, because it is the right thing.

I say this as an old man who has been through a lot -- Life is a helluva lot simpler if you always try to do the right thing.  Some people just have a lot of trouble trying to make that a habit, though.  

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SHOOTER12

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31 minutes ago, Beau Vine said:

I say this as an old man who has been through a lot -- Life is a helluva lot simpler if you always try to do the right thing.  Some people just have a lot of trouble trying to make that a habit, though.  

Absolutely freaking correct...

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mulletpelini

mulletpelini 5220

Posted
Posted

Knox good on ya.  It helps to have someone on the other side who is accommodating to fostering a relationship between you and your kids.  It didn't sound like that's where it started, but maybe where it ended up.  I wouldn't say I'm a good dad, but I love my boys and try to be part of their lives.  It sucks because as hard as I try to be in their lives, there's someone else who's trying just as hard to keep me out of them.  All the anger is directed at me, because I'm an asshole, so I get that.  But to manipulate a child's mind for your own selfish revenge is just disgusting passive aggressive chickenshit.  Doesn't help that there's no logic involved.

So many stories here of men that didn't want to be in their children's lives yet so many who are trying and are being kept out.  I swear sometimes I would have been better off walking off never to be seen from again.

TLDR I didn't hear from either of them on Fathers Day and it sucks but it's been this way for quite awhile so I've adjusted.

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victory88

victory88 5755

Posted
Posted

My father has always supported my mom and sisters financially.  Paid for our schooling, tutoring, anything we needed.  Outside of that, he neglected every other aspect of being a father.  Never spent any time with us.  Didn't care a bit with regards to our hobbies or interests.  He was a complete asshole to me since I was 8-9.   Never discussed anything with us that didn't have anything to do with school, grades, chores.  A very controlling person that basically threatened to kick you out of the house if you didn't follow his extremely unreasonable rules.  Not only threatened, but had kicked me out with all my stuff multiple times when I was 15-16.  I'm the oldest and only son.  I've always resented the way my father treated my mother and he's always hated me for standing up to him as my mom was and is too weak to ever do so.  Never laid a hand on her but the daily verbal abuse and the constant insulting towards her would make my blood boil.  He treated my two younger sisters well until they got to age 14-15 where he would also insult them constantly.  As we became adults, we started to progress towards our own paths which wasn't what he had in mind for us.  He then completely abandoned my mother and sisters while they were still teenagers.  Took all his savings and decided he wanted to live on his own and bounced.  My mother to this day refuses to divorce him (a cultural thing).  I've supported her and my sisters since I was 24.  Never showed up to my wedding.  Didn't show up to graduations.  I can deal with the "daddy issues" as he'd been a dick to me ever since I can remember but it's taken quite the toll with my two younger sisters.  We've had to get my youngest sister counseling as she started to go down a bad path and all of it stems from his absence.  My other sister has a huge wall around her now and I fear she'll never let that wall down and marry a man in fear that he'll be like my father.  I feel for them and he has no idea the effect he left on my sisters and mother.  I'll never visit his grave when he dies.  The best thing he taught me was how not to be a father.

Luckily, we had the most loving mother anyone could ask for.  Props to all the good dads out there.  

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