Father's Day Question: How do dads live with being MIA?

[jimmyjazz 46988]

12 hours ago, Beau Vine said:

I say this as an old man who has been through a lot -- Life is a helluva lot simpler if you always try to do the right thing.

Yeah, teaching a kid that it's a whole lot easier to remember the truth than whatever lie is currently being floated is a perfect example.  Once that light bulb comes on, though, they get it.  Clearly for some people, that switch never gets flipped.

[troph 25099]

Sometimes dad is an oppressive rage-a-holic that cannot admit when he is wrong.  It’s not so much a leaving as it is an unrelenting oppression and unavailability.  I wonder if I would have done better without.  My dad tried his best after divorce to be a provider and I thank him for that often.  He worked hard to make sure we stayed in our home. But emotionally? He was a “no-fly” zone.  I’ve opened up to him less than 5 times in my life and only once to say “you hurt me” and the other 4 were scary as shit, and the time I said “you hurt me” he unleashed the rage.  He was good at first when I came out to him, but since then he’s the only person in my family not to understand and roll with it.  His wife seems unphased by it all and calls me my old name and misgenders me.  Recently he went off on my on Facebook because of politics.  He outed me and ranted about how I’m selfish like my mom.  Funny, my siblings and I don’t talk to him and I had been the last hold out.  We all talk to our mom, and some things don’t change, I’ll take care of my momma til the day she dies.  It remains to be seen which of us will be at my dads funeral. I struggle really really hard with him.  

On the flip side, I’m queer as a 3 dollar bill and many would think I abandoned my kids.  I fathered 3 boys and transitioned when my oldest was 9 and youngest was 5.  But I did so because I was tired of being an absent while present dad. Sadly we ended in divorce but I fought like hell for 50/50 custody. Not one day out of balance either. I wouldn’t get them all the time but no way I was going to settle for less than 50/50.

 

Since becoming myself, I’ve coached little league, played tennis with them, golfed with them, gone to countless games, spent considerable time in counseling with them teaching them emotional intelligence, I’ve taken them to see places, fishing, rafting, we’ve talked and swam, I’ve picked them up and thrown them in the pool, tickled the heck out of them, wrestled until the belly laughs hurt, we’ve grilled lots of meat, I’ve taught them how to hug and tell others they love them, tasted beer, talked some more, taken road trips to Big Bend, Zion, Colorado, we’ve surfed on lake Travis, I fill the gaps when my ex can’t get them to their extra curriculars because of her work on her days, we’ve celebrated good grades, dealt with the failures of being a teen, missed vacations because we wouldn’t act right, learned about managing money, learned how to do chores and treat mom and others with respect and dignity.  And maybe my most proud accomplishment so far is making sure they love each other and know they are all they have.  And I tell them I’m sorry all the time.  I tell them I love them often, I tell them what I see in them often. My door is always open for them and around 9-10pm my oldest comes in to say goodnight and gives me a hug and tells me he loves me. My middle son tells me how well we are doing all the time. My youngest is a man’s man and he fist bumps me often and occasionally offers a hug out of the blue. In those moments, I know.

My ex wife told me “happy other parent’s day” on Sunday. I was “this” close to telling her it’s fine, you can call me their dad.  I finally am that woman. 

 

 

Edited June 18, 2019 by troph

[Guest Lobo]

I am glad you got the 50/50 split.  Maybe not ideal, but certainly better than the once-a-week/every-other-weekend thing that rapidly turns into once a month (or at least it did with my dad).  

[Lat22 4070]

MIA dads are the biggest problem in our society.

[ABSR 5360]

14 hours ago, Beau Vine said:

I say this as an old man who has been through a lot -- Life is a helluva lot simpler if you always try to do the right thing.  Some people just have a lot of trouble trying to make that a habit, though.  

While not always perfect with this myself, I do tell my boys "It's never too early to do the right thing."  Hoping that sticks.

[Guest]

1 hour ago, troph said:

My ex wife told me “happy other parent’s day” on Sunday. I was “this” close to telling her it’s fine, you can call me their dad.  I finally am that woman. 

 

 

FWIW, I call my mom every Father’s Day.  It’s absolutely respectful of her resolve as a single parent.  I understand those are different circumstances, but to your kids, I’m not sure it makes a shit, as long as you’re there for them.  

[tejas60 3542]

10 hours ago, mulletpelini said:

TLDR I didn't hear from either of them on Fathers Day and it sucks but it's been this way for quite awhile so I've adjusted.

I went through that for close to 10 years. just keep letting them know you love them and you'll always be there for them.

last weekend was the best Father's Day weekend I've ever had. they figure it out. keep the faith.

[MaybeACoordinator 8350]

On 6/16/2019 at 12:09 PM, Bill Brasky said:

I have to be honest, I had no idea Slorch was black 

What if....Slorch's dad is also Rocko's dad?

[mulletpelini 5220]

On 6/18/2019 at 10:11 AM, tejas60 said:

I went through that for close to 10 years. just keep letting them know you love them and you'll always be there for them.

last weekend was the best Father's Day weekend I've ever had. they figure it out. keep the faith.

Much appreciated, thanks pops.  If for no other reason than just to irritate the piss outta that bitch, I will fight on.

[Knoxtnhorn 6262]

2 hours ago, mulletpelini said:

Much appreciated, thanks pops.  If for no other reason than just to irritate the piss outta that bitch, I will fight on.

Definitely listen to Tejas.  They will figure things out if you have patience.  Another story.  

Long story short.  I had to file for joint custody after months and months of the games my ex would play.  The only lawyer I could afford at the time ($300 retainer) didn't even know which court to file my case in (he filed in chancery; not family).  Once I filed the papers, it took from month 1 of my daughter's life to month 12 to actually get into court.  I had to hire a private eye as my ex was hiding from the summons.  It was a complete disaster.  It was surreal.  How could a father, who had nothing to do with the separation, not be able to his kid for basically the first year of her life?  Coincidentally, I got to take my daughter home on her 1st birthday.

Flash forward to age 3.  At that time I picked her up from her daycare and either took her to her grandmother's or my house each day.  On the Friday before Mother's Day, she took home a ton of Mother's Day projects and cards for her mother and grandmother.  I was never the sentimental type but, for some reason, I began to look forward to the same on Father's Day.  That Friday I picked her up.  Nothing.  At first I was hurt until I remembered that many of the kids in this particular daycare probably didn't have fathers.  Hence I understood the situation.  So we're driving home, she's in the back seat, we're listening to the radio.  All of the sudden I hear, "Daddy, I love you."  First time she ever said it without me saying it first.  Now it's possible she was coached by someone at her daycare or, possibly, her grandmother.  But, man.  I tear up just typing this.

She flew back to TN via Florida two days ago.  We had several long talks over some beer.  She 100% understands the negativity and uselessness of her mother.  And that's without me EVER badmouthing her.  (I made it a point to never be that guy.)  She even said she wished that my current wife was her real mother.  Do your thing and be there.  If you are a true father to your children, they will come around.

   

 

Edited June 27, 2019 by Knoxtnhorn

[fattyflattie 4640]

OP, I cannot answer any of your questions.  My daughters are far and away the best thing I’ve ever accomplished, and while I do have to travel for work (sometimes longer than I want), I couldn’t imagine being away from them “just because”.  They are quite literally the light of my life. 

[El Diablo 4232]

10 hours ago, MaybeACoordinator said:

What if....Slorch's dad is also Rocko's dad?

It would help explain Rocko's self-loathing.

[J.R. Juniors Junior Jr. 1108]

Official theme song of kids of MIA dads, from a guy who had one.  I had one myself, from about age 9 on.

 

[Guest]

17 hours ago, MaybeACoordinator said:

What if....Slorch's dad is also Rocko's dad?

Yawn...